Three years later, my POV is still expanding

It's been two months since my fingers have graced the laptop in a manner of pleasure.  No, don't get me wrong, I've had my fair share of porn searches.  Its my last post.  Its been exactly two months since my last post.  Why have you stopped writing you ask?  Well, to be honest, you probably haven't noticed.  I know for the most part I haven't noticed.

My life has been a bit emotional as of late.  At this point, I've chosen not to disclose that on this space of mine.  But I suppose its time to use my outlet to get some of my current anguish out. 

I have just finished reading an article.   The house is full and noisy here.  I'm looking forward to moving into a place where I don't know the people.  Therefore, don't feel as though I'm failing them as a friend when I hide away as a recluse and keep myself hidden from the world.  Poor M and K can't wait to have us out of the house.  For more than one reason I would think.  In my mind, the main bad reasons.  In my conscious mind, I know they have their good reasons as well.

Either way.  I've been attending therapy.  Its the first time I've been on this side of the chair.   I'm not learning much to be fair.   The guy is telling me things I've already studied on my own.  Although, hearing it from a third party who isn't in the habit of agreeing with me is always a plus.  I've spent my entire last two - three years trying to change who I am.  Trying to find a place of peace that I can be comfortable in. 

I must say that I'm content with who I am, at this point.  I'm happy with who I've become, with one exception.  I still don't think I'm good in relationships.  I still end up being the tree.

Fucking tree.

I want to just think about the article I just read though. 


1.  You are not your mind.

We've been reviewing this in therapy.  Thoughts are no more fundamental than smell, touch, and taste.  Its part of the overall experience you have in life.  The first session, I mentioned being in emotional mind vs. wise mind.  The therapist brought up a point that I absolutely love.  He said be in emotional intelligence.   He said because you need you wise mind and emotional mind; your heart and your brain, to have all of the answers.  You shouldn't make a choice without having all input.  Brilliant. 

2.  Life unfolds in moments.

This is something I've been struggling and failing with.  Living in the moment.  I sometimes I think I have it mastered and then I realize, I'm not even close.  There is enough fault in that statement alone.  Once you feel you're done learning, you realize you've fucked yourself, because there is so much more to learn.  Thus, I know I don't live in the moment.  I know that I don't enjoy what is right here in front of me.  I continue to look at the big picture.  How will this moment feel in the future?  Will I have regrets?  Will this moment define who I am?  These questions aren't the questions I should be asking.  In fact, I shouldn't be asking anything.  I shouldn't be questioning or assessing.  I should be noting and enjoying.  Respecting time as a moment.  Feeling with my soul.   I still have so much to learn in life.  I need to stop closing life's doors.  There will be other moments in which I can allow myself to assess my life.  Times like now. 

3.  Your quality of life depends on how you deal with your moments.

As life gets longer, awful feels softer.  That's food for thought.  Breakups get easier, leaving gets less painful.  Heartache doesn't last as long.  Sex no longer feels intimate.  We get complacent, accepting, passive.  Fuck that.  I want to feel.  I want to love.  I want to be excited.  I want to be happy.  Over.  The.  Moon.  This decision will lead me to a fulfilling life.

4.  Most of life is imaginary.

So true.  I live in a fantasy world.  Both sexually and elsewise.  Real life is scary.  I'm too trusting.  And too cynical apparently.  What an oxymoron.  What a shitty way to live my life.  You know what I've enjoyed most about therapy?  That he has shown me a way to take ownership of situations.  Even if its someone else's fault.  Sometimes people don't realize what this guy has posted.  Sometimes people don't know how their interactions effect others.  I've been working pretty hard on understanding how my reactions affect who I am as a person.  Trying to realize that it doesn't matter if others understand things at the same level as myself.  And walking away from a situation knowing that I, myself, have seen a situation from another's point of view.  I've been trying to ascertain how my own thought map and emotions and feelings, my past experiences have such a massive influence on how I perceive life.  How I interact with others.  I'm working on being less selfish in a different manner.

5. Human beings have evolved to suffer.

6. Emotions exist to make us biased.

7.  Two motivations: fulfill desires and escape suffering.

All destructive behavior is unconscious.  I can't say that I 100% believe this to its fullest.  I do however, believe that there are a lot of ones actions that come out of nowhere, of which, one will then defend because they feel its what they should do.  Instead of assessing where those feelings/actions have come from, they just assume its correct.  Only once you have been able to see the world in a different place, will you be able to understand that your rash instinct isn't always correct.  Isn't always.  BUT understanding that at times, it is spot on.

8.  Beliefs are nothing to be proud of.

This one leaves me speechless.  I absolutely love this line of thought.  I enjoy its point of view, its raw truth and the pure honesty.  I like knowing that some people will argue this idea. I love that this new way of seeing life.  Eek!  Super exciting. 

9.  Objectivity is subjective.


Here's the thing, its been three years since I started blogging.  So much has changed.  My entire life has changed to be honest.  The best thing about it though?  The best thing is that I'm still growing and learning.  <3 p="">

xoxoxoxo