Excuse me Mr. you've got things all wrong

"So please excuse me Mr.
You've got things all wrong
You make it feel like a crime
So don't confuse me Mr.
I've known you too long
All I need is  a little of your time."

I absolutely love No Doubt.

I never in my wildest dreams imagined where I'd push my comfort zones sexually.  Raised in a Pentecostal home where God strikes you dead if you think of anything inappropriate, I was petrified to think about sex.  Curious as I was, I wasn't about to damn myself to hell for the sake of something that didn't even sound like fun.  Having sex at the age of 17, I vowed then and there to marry the person I'd slept with.  Ten years later we divorced and I was 27.  One sex partner, the guilt of a religion and some nativity lead me to start pushing comfort zones.

Then I met PIB.  This boy, while quite, is like no other I've ever dated, for many reasons, but mainly because his sexual experiences are a bit more out of the box than anyone I've ever met.

Most boys have asked me for a three some. Declined.  Most asked me for anal.  Declined.  Most pushed my comfort zones over and over.   From using a toothbrush as a sex toy, to wanting to be physically violent, my most memorable experience to date has been the excitement of a man who asked me to pee on him. (Declined, btw)  I am no longer the judgmental bitch I was when I felt God was going to punish me for the pleasure he gave to people.

While reading an article, What Do Woman Really Want, I found myself able to identify with most, if not all of the article.  Moreover, though, I want to know what my boy wants.  What makes him happy.  What makes him tick.  A never ending conversation has been a threesome.  Seriously, this is something I think all men desire, with no real understanding as to why they want this.  Anyway, our conversations are heated.  They have led to conversations of an open relationship and swinging.

Whilst it scares the shit out of me, I like to think myself open minded enough to try anything, that doesn't flat out kill me, at least once.  So I've been doing some research, have found a massive number of "swingers clubs" in and around our area.  Even though he says he wants it, he keeps declining any offer to actually attend a "party" stating that our relationship "isn't ready."

I can't make sense of it.  Ever. Finally, today, after another missed opportunity this weekend, I told him I was disappointed that we didn't go.  (Do you know how long it takes a girl to psych herself up for something like this???? WAY.  TOO.  LONG!)  He stated the types of "clubs" I have sought out won't be what he's looking for if I was going for him.

Mrs. Garrisson from South Park

Then it hits me. "No single men allowed" isn't really the ideal place to pick up a bisexual male who wants a one night stand with a couple.  Holy Fuck.  Why hadn't I thought of that before?  Um, DUH.  Because I come into the equation as a straight (laced) chick who hasn't been fully antiquated to the bisexual/gay world, thus thinking inside the box.  What are the odds of finding a bisexual male and a straight (all hands off please!) girl in a couples swingers party.  Perhaps the odds are pretty high, but seriously, what are the chick and I going to do whilst our boys are going at it?  Yeah.  Probably not really something we should introduce to our relationship if you're going to be popping this girls cherry.

So more research I must do.  (Since it seems my quite outside the box thinking boy, doesn't give me heaps of information to go on)  I must find out on my own, all in due time where to go, how to do it, and if it's okay with me.

I only write when I'm bleeding.

I recognize that I only write when I'm upset, hurting or thinking too much.  I'm going to make a conscious effort to change that.  However, I can't promise anything.  The last few months have been pretty fucking amazing.  I admit, I'm settling into a job a hate and a domestication that suffocates me at times, but all in all, I realize that I need to do things in order to make a better future for myself.  With that said, I need to do things to get my past in order as well.  Thus, I'm working a decent job and coming home to not successfully cook dinners.  I'm awful at being cooped up.   He understands and asks that I don't hold my choices against him.  I pray that I don't. 

One thing that keeps me sane, though, is the love this boy has for me.  He is challenging as a human being.  Sensitive and moody, I sometimes see a mirror.  The most demanding of all things in this relationship is for me to see his perspective in things.  Worse, though, is that the learning and growing I feel so important to me as a person, is only one sided.  He doesn't see a need for it.  Won't even entertain any ideas outside of his.  He's right. That's all there is to it.  But, he loves me.  I know this.  I see it when he kisses me.  I see it when he does things out of the blue for me.  Its small gestures, but they are there.  He makes me happy.  Yes, we struggle and I just simply pray that I can continue to be patient, but all in all, he makes me happy. 

 

I think some of the reasons he makes me happy is that I am so absolutely comfortable with him sexually.  He doesn't make me feel insecure, or inexperienced.  While he has the ability to push my comfort zones.  He does it slowly, with respect.  While he's not 100% comfortable with his sexuality, and that frustrates me; he is still able to push my comfort zones.  And he can keep up with my libido, mainly because his is 100 x more than mine!

But I push - and make life revolve around sex. It's fucked up. I feel a power struggle between the two of us and it isn't healthy. I'm letting it go. I choose this path. Regardless of my feelings - I've chosen his love. Even in times of doubt. I choose this. Don't forget.