Why I no longer bank at Farmers National Bank.

Today I discovered that the “hometown bank” labels you just a number.

When you visit their website, Farmers National Bank’s homepage proudly says, “Farmers National Bank strives to be and do more for our customers and communities.  Unparalleled service and attention to detail with each individual customer is something that is not just a promise, it is an expectation that we embrace.”

My short story starts at the age of five, my parents took me to the hometown branch of Emlenton.  I opened my first savings account and proudly deposited my allowance.  In 1999, I opened my first checking account in which the banker scheduled time with me to help me balance my checkbook and taught me about managing money.  Free of charge, no demands or expectations.

 

Today, I own a small business, faithfully banking with Farmers National Bank.  My small business grosses between $300,000 and $500,000 a year.  When fees are incurred, I pay these fees faithfully with no demands.

 

After a nasty divorce two years ago, I paid off all the debt my husband incurred.  Some expenses were late and this caused my credit score to plummet.  My small business hit hard times and my only two credit cards, with a credit limit of $2,000 each were maxed out to help meet the needs of payroll.  I have two vehicles paid in full.  I went to the bank today to apply for a secured loan of $9000.  With titles in hand, I’m told Farmers National Bank wouldn’t be able to assist me without a credit score higher then 620. 

 

At that point, I explained that I needed this loan to carry me over until an outstanding bill was paid in the amount of $8000.  This was to be paid to me June 8^th.  Less than a month away.  Again, it was told to me that without a credit score higher than 620, I wouldn’t be able to obtain a secured loan.

 

After paying the bank $5.50 to pull my credit, it was discovered that indeed, the only amount of money I had in debt were the two credit cards equaling $4000, of which were used in March of 2013.  Even with information from my accountant that the practice is indeed profitable and has been for four years, and the fact that I have been banking with them for the past 25 years, my parents have been banking with them for 40 years, and my family banks with them, my credit score didn’t reach 620 and like it was mentioned, they would not be able to give me a loan.

 

I can see that my faithfulness to this bank hasn’t been enough secure their assistance in their promise on their website, “Since 1900, we’ve been working with our customers, businesses, and communities to make their dreams a reality.”  And that regardless of “(Their) local decision making capabilities enable(ing) (them) to make the process smooth and hassle-free”  at the end of the day, my number just wasn’t good enough to make my dream of keeping my business a reality.

 

So by the end of June 2013, I will have all my automatic deposits transferred to a different bank.  The three following banks offer me services that aren’t offered with Farmers National Bank,

Capital One gives me $300 to open an account and charge no fees for electronic deposits.

Huntington Bank offers a 24 Hour Grace Overdraft Protection.  So if I accidently overdraw my account, I have 24 hours to “make it right” before I incur any fees at all. 

 

Citizens National Bank offers more banking locations, international banking and e-z deposit.

 

None of the features are offered by Farmers.  On top of the features listed above all Capital One, Huntington Bank and Citizens offer me a iPhone/iPad app for easy access to my account, also not available with Farmers.

 

So if I’m going to be just a number; I’m happy to take my measly credit score, and hundreds of thousands of dollars a year to a bank that at least offers me some perks.

 

 

Where to from here?

The weekend has been far from relaxing. I don't know what to do.  So I'm doing what I know.  Walking away.  PIB and I have broken up. 

We were talking about marriage.  Marriage.  Me.  Marriage.  Jesus.

He shuts down and I can't reach him.  I can't keep putting myself through this pain.  I just can't.  I keep trying to engage him in conversation, of which he doesn't respond.  We're too far away physically to shut down completely mentally.  It just won't work in the long run.  He is too afraid to quit his job.  Which I understand.  But if he doesn't talk to me, then we don't have anything left in the relationship.   Maybe he already feels its over?  That's what he's doing?  He changed his profile picture again.  Hurting? or Spite?   Regardless, the pain is the same to me. 

I have struggled these past few years to never allow my fear to define me.  Thoughts of how to heal this broken heart are running in my mind.  This is going to hurt.  Severely, beyond words or emotions.  More then I can even think of.  I'm scared of what I'm going to feel.  I'm a bit in shock at the moment.  How can he just let this happen without a fight?  But I know.  I can't dwell.  I can't think about it.  Let your fears go.........

Think about the practice.  Don't think about time.  Think about growth.  Don't think about emotion.  Build your wall. Don't think about what if.  Put your defenses back into place. Don't think about the pain.  You're strong.  Don't think about how you've failed again.    You've got this. 

His silence is so loud.  It tells me things I can't bear to think about hearing.  It confirms all of my insecurities and truths I've tried to hide.  To kid myself that aren't true.

 But at the end of the day; the truth comes out.  Fear will always define people.  So even if I change; until others stop letting fear define them, then I can't do anything but just be me.

New plans.  Well, not new plans.  I'm getting back on track with my plans. 

Travel.  I see how the running suites me.  Allows me to be free from commitment.  I had resigned from the fact of going back to Australia.  That was something that had set in last week.    Not at this point in time.  Perhaps maybe never. 

Travel.  Where to?

Germany
Italy
Japan
Iceland
Norway
Greece
London
India
Nepal
Cambodia
Egypt
China

The list is endless.  Literally.  I could add and add to it no matter where I travel.


I'll start with my plans to head to Niagra Falls like I had planned.  I mean.  I have paid for the room.  Ah, I guess LA is first.  I've paid for flights and a room.  Might as well get my monies worth.  Keep myself busy.  Distractions are a girls best friend at a time like this.

No boys.  Jesus.  Trista is right.  I need me time.  To stay single.  Learn Italian.  Get my body back.  Focus on anything but the fact I'm back here in the States and the love of my life is not.

Hurt.  Heal.  Morph.  Find a new me.

A Change of Perspective

                                         

 

This song has always saddened me when I hear it on the radio.  As most know, Nathan's affection was none.  And most of his time went into video games.  And he never ever had any fun with my friends and would never take me dancing.  After I left Nathan he came to the house one day and was so excited.  Telling me that he had been on a rollar coster and had been out to a night club and went dancing.  He told me that he plays every weeked with his neices and sees his family regularly.  What I heard, I realize now, is different then what he was telling me.  I heard that he was willing to do all that when I wasn't around and asking to do it, surely he didn't love me.  He told me he was trying to change, surely he loved me.  I'm trying very hard to learn from my past.  I would hear this song and think; is he feeling remorse when he hears this song?  Does it remind him to be better with his new girl then he was with me?  Has he learned from our past to change his future?

 

A bunch of nonsense questions go through my brain when hearing this song.  For the most part, as much as I love Bruno Mars, I change the station. 

 

Yesterday, while texting my boy, this song came on and without even realizing it, I began to have thoughts about how much I love him.  He holds my hand in public.  He even KISSES me!  He gives me enough us time.  And when we're not together, I'm comfortable knowing he's still mine.  He takes me to things I want to do.  And I love it.  I love seeing how he shows me he loves me.  HE SHOWS ME HE LOVES ME.

 

I smile knowing that someday, I may actually getting a chance to be kissed when the officant says, "you may kiss the bride."  I smile knowing that he sets aside time for me in his busy schedule to be with me.  That he cuddles with me on the couch.  That he is a contributing factor to good memories in this relationship.  He.  Is. a. CONTRIBUTING. Factor.  to the happiness of this relationship. 

 

I'm constantly trying to remind myself that even though I don't know how "fun" things will be or maybe I'm not in the mood to participate, to just do it.  Why not?  What will I lose?  Time?  Well, that's going to pass anyway.  Not pass the time with someone who wants to be with me rather then by myself, watching TV, playing with myself. 

 

Do you have someone who contributes to the happiness of  your relationship?? You should be thanking your partner.  Do you want that, do something about it.  Are you giving that?  Make it happen.

 

Ah-I love being in love.  <3 p="">

Question the Pro Quo

 

I've had it up to my big fat bushy eyebrows with standards. What's acceptable. What other people feel is normal.

Here's an idea. The people writing the laws and setting 'normal' define 'normal' by what they're taught, what they're exposed to and their own everyday interactions.

Why should I accept someone else’s standards if, when in fact, they aren't up to par of my own. In one of my posts I wrote about being at Wild Mountains when I was volunteering there and we played a team building game called Red/Black. It was an eye opener as to how people just accept what they hear without questioning what they believe.

I find myself falling into that trap periodically and then I need a polite reminder that I should break the fucking mold. I am not who you say I am. I am who I decide to be. While rules and structure are important to keeping society together; things get lost and the actual meaning of what those things were established for are lost as well.

We easily lose sight of right, wrong, morals, and anything our instincts say when we fall into a formality. It’s arguablely good and bad. I don't want to discuss the reasons why following rules and having structure is a good thing. We all know that having an established 'norm' is a good thing.

But let me instead plant this seed, if you had the creativity of establishing your own norm, what would you do? How would you act? Would you be different from who you are now? Would you like different things? Would you experience life in a new manner? Would you want the opportunity to even be able to experience things differently?

Its different for everyone. Some people are happy to sit on the sidelines and not give any input. Some people are too outspoken and their ideas are the "way to go." How to find a happy medium? Is there a way to establish a society in which those who choose to be quiet still have the ability to voice their opinion in their own way?

Here's my vocal, somewhat opinionated, opinion. I vow, from this day forward, to acknowledge my intuition. To identify feelings and allow these feelings to be felt, in its entirety. So if I'm in love, I'm going to let love lead me down the path it chooses. If I am concerned, I'm going to identify those feelings, chase down why I'm feeling it that way and address them accordingly. I will be more cognizant in the things I allow sway my decisions.

Where is this coming from you ask? I'm here at Annen and it's lost my voice. I know I haven't been here to maintain a voice; but I sit here thinking, um, maybe I don't want to offend or I don't like this change how do I go back? So I say to myself, 'wait a second. this is your dream. your practice. you gave up Australia to make this work. so make it work. re-establish yourself in this practice."

The 'normal' established here doesn't have to stay. Redefine this practice! It worked once, it will again.

xoxoxoxox

 

Leonardo Dicaprio's White Girl Problems

I'm adding this book to my list of favorite books because I have NEVER seen anyone quote the only man I would give up my soul to have Sex with. And because she dedicated the book to herself. Score.  ❤

Keep your mind clear of the Mundane

It's national masturbation month.  And I'm here seperated from PIB by 14 hours and the equator and so forgive me if all I can think about is sex with him. 

Sex with him in every way shape and form.  Sex. Sex. Sex.  My hormones are running rampid.  It doesn't help when I get e-mails from him that say: "I think you would look sexy in these:"

Anyway, the last time I was here in the States and my beloved sex partner was in Australia, we spoke about attending a tantric sex class upon my return.  However, due to life and such, we were unable to attend these classes.  With that said, I'm eagerly scouring the web for anything remotely like this in Pittsburgh.   I know that Pittsburgh was listed as "The Best Place to Live in the US", but it doesn't have as many awesome places as Brisbane (Who didn't even make the 100 Top places on the list.  Who is scoreing these things??)

From what I've read; we all hold the key to Tantric sex: breath. If you can keep your body relaxed and your mind clear of the mundane, your "inner goddess" can be fully present. Using your breath, you can spread orgasmic energy from your genitals through your entire body. This allover tingling can lead to a deeper, more intimate connection with your partner. And of course, a massive orgasam.  The boy tells me that my orgasams last forever anyway, so if they can last forever and a minute, I'd love to make it happen.

HOWEVER, more importantly, if I can give him orgasams that last that long, that are so intense he can't move, that make him go "holy fuck" then that's what I want.  I want to give him the most mind blowing (and you know what will be blowing.....) experience of his existance.  He deserves it.  I want to provide it.  Completely and fully.

That maybe selfish.  Because I want to give him that experience.  But, in this case, I can't imagine him being upset at myselfishnes.

"Consensual, Ethical, and Responsible Non-Monogamy."

I've been struggling with somethings recently.

If you're a virgin or you can't handle raw information; if you couldn't tell from the headline, you should skip reading this post.

Nathan and I were together for ten years.  It's no secret that he wanted a threesome.  He would talk about it morning - noon - and night.  The jokes started first when he was, I assume, envious of Trista's ability to be so sexually free.   Trista introduced me to realizing that porn was okay for girls to watch, that I should try different positions and that a threesome, while not with her, is a good thing.  She pushes my sexual comfort zones like no one has ever.

Until recently.  PIB and I have been discussing having a more open relationship with one another.  This is really different for me.  For starters, we've only been dating 8 months. Have I bored him already?

The simple answer is absolutely not.  Sexually, this boy has done more than anyone I know. And I know that if at any moment I showed disinterest, he would still love me.  He wouldn't hold it over my head and he would accept me for me. And that for me, excites me.  Its a turn on to have someone push my comfort zones.  Regardless of what they are.  And here I sit, after several conversations, contemplating the realism of a threesome. 

The idea excites me.  Most ideas excite me.  So how does this become a reality?  To start, if you've been following my blog you know that I'm repressed emotionally in regards to sex.  While I've been open to most things, I must get over the emotional factor before I can commit to anything sexually.

So where does one start after life long conversations with your men about getting comfortable with a threesome? 

Google. 

Where else?
If When you google porn, you can find all sorts of different sites that find threesomes acceptable.  With that being said, the first order of business is to actually desensitize yourself to what you're seeing.  For the longest time, I couldn't watch a full 2 minute video without turning it off.  No way could I watch it.  So a piece of beginners advice, take it slow.  Watch R rated movies that show people having sex.  Move to HBO for some nude sex scenes.  You can even find PG- porn. 

I'm at Step 2.  The actual thought of the implementation plan.   After you have watched enough porn that the video actually turns you on, not causes you to turn it off.  Think of yourself and  your partner in the videos you see.  This will help tremendously in implentation.

Step 3 is actually getting someone in the room with you and your partner.  Although, I'm told there are places to go where there is open sex going on.  Perhaps I can go and just watch as another step......

I've been doing some research with the practice.  This includes some networking and belonging to some community groups.  One of the ladies is always posting her blog to the facebook site.  When the topic seems intriguing enough, I click.

The title of this posts was "Top Ten Reasons to See a Relationship Coach"   My reasoning for clicking this link wasn't necessarily because of research for the practice; it had more to do with my relationship with PIB in general.  We had had a disagreement this weekend.  Which left both of us drained, but happily, we've repaired it.  He sent me a link this morning about a man's point of view as to whether or not you're ready to be married.  So I felt comfortable enough reading this article.

#6 struck a cord.  So while I haven't had all the time in the world in thinking about writing this post.  I felt, finally, inspired to talk about something taboo.

I clicked on her links that she had available, clicking on links to click on links.  Finally, I was lead to this website article.   I'm intrigued and want to know more.  My interest is piqued. 

I'm 100% interested in exploring this with my boy.  I need to learn to be able to remove myself a bit more from emotions and sex.  I have an old post from my other blog that speaks about sex and how every time we have it with a different partner how we lose a piece of ourselves and how it becomes less special.   And I believe it.  I do.  I'm caught between my curiosity and my ignorance. 

I don't know how else to take this except slowly.  The last thing I want in this whole world is to ruin our relationship by being emotional.  I want him to walk me into this experience, by holding my hand and encouraging me.  I trust that he will know when I've had enough.  He's already proven himself to be sincere when we're in the bedroom.  I doubt that will change much when we have others in there. 

I'm interested in hearing feedback.  Whether its in the comment section, via facebook, text message, e-mail.  Anything.  Talk to me.

Tell me your thoughts, whatever they may be.  Let me know what you're thinking about this.  I'm open to hearing your opinion.  I want your opinion.

This includes myself

You know

I am trying to think of a way to post something about my heartache and how my soul is incomplete without offending the ones I love.

I keep telling myself I'm ungrateful and not worthy.

But I can't stop missing Australia. I can't help knowing that I love the life I've created - on my own. The life that is a representation of my own sheer strength.

Maybe though that's who I am? An ungrateful bitch. One who doesn't recognize love when she sees it. I have my head so far up my ass that I can't see straight. Maybe I'm not a good person. Maybe I don't deserve to be loved.

Maybe. But at the end of the day- it doesn't change how I feel.

It's no fairy tale

The queen: "Daddy you don't know what mother is doing to me. It's like she is turning me into her. I have to get away. This is insanity. I'm angry all the time. She's making me crazy."

Her father:  "She wants to give you everything she never got for herself."

The queen-: "I don't want her life. I want a life of my own."

My feelings couldn't more exact than hers. It's a punishment being here. I think destiny is telling me to deal with my demons here before I can move forward. I hate who I become here. I hate the feelings I have here. I simply hate everything about here. It's not home. It never has been. It never will be. I don't want it to be. I will never raise a family here. I will never stay here for any length of time. Never. I refuse to stay just to make whoever in my life happy.

I see clearly now that the only way to break away from me being like you is to walk away and never look back.

Is it June 6th yet?

http://xkcd.com/854/

I'm tired.  Literally and emotionally exhausted.  Although, I say this and don't necessarily mean it in a negative way. I have a week into being back at the practice. 

I am extremely hopefully about getting it back on track.  My expansion plan is progressing nicely.  It is currently 23 pages long.  With a business plan that needs added along with the financial information.  I'm about right on track to being ready to turn it in on July 1st.  The practice here is actually going along nicely.  In the week I've been home, we've implemented our internship program, signed two students and in the process of filing for national accreditation.

Its easy to simply tell you that I rock at this.  I just do.  I haven't any idea why, but no matter the challenge, its successful.

I must admit my annoyance with our major insurance company.  Time and time again they prove to be useless.  I haven't any idea why they are in place or how they've been approved to stay.  When Deanna told me "this too shall pass" she didn't explain that other things will pop up so that we will continue to say this about every three months or so. 

I am sitting at my desk, with so much work to do; however, I can barely keep my eyes open.  I am waiting to make a phone call to a psychiatrist that we are planning on hiring.  Although, back to the previous paragraph, this insurance company is making simple things difficult.  Regardless, I'm moving forward with these plans.  If we provide these services, without this insurance company the so be it.  Perhaps we'll see clients cash pay, and make it affordable.  Sounds like a plan to me.

Anyway, I need to get back into a routine of exercising.  I did well when I was settling in in Bundaberg, but now I'm once again unsure of what is going to be happening with me and my life, so any commitment I think about makes me hyperventilate.  Either way, I'm thinking more and more about food.  I've eaten like shit since getting back.  I told mom yesterday that I'm buying food and making it from now on.  She thinks its because I don't like her food.  On the contrary, I don't like the side effects of her food.  Cellulite, size 10 jeans, and yes, even bigger boobs with weight gain.

So I'm going back to the drawing board.  Greens, and lean protein.  I need some recipes that don't actually require me to have an engineering degree to figure out how to make it taste good.

I do actually enjoy cooking.  I don't actually enjoy learning to cook.  I love love love cooking with the boy though.  We always have so much fun.  And no matter how hard I try to divert his attention from cooking to sex in the kitchen, he doesn't play along.  Probably a good thing.  Who wants to eat at our place if we'd just had sex on the counter tops?  Well, I would.  I would still eat the food we made if we had just had sex on the counter tops. Yummy, just imagine him bending me over the counter....flour on my face and nipples exposed, just a tendril of hair falling over my eyes as I look back at PIB and ask him not to stop.  Yep, I would eat WHATEVER we made that day. 

 I'm afraid this post may turn in a direction I didn't mean for it to go when I started.  But sadly, I may not be able to help that.  See, its been a week since I've last had sex.  Maybe more?  It feels like I've been back here in the States for 245 months.  Is it June 6th yet?

I can't wait to feel his arms around me at the airport.  Give him a big fat kiss on his lips and be annoyed at whatever silliness he is displaying that morning.

I loved this article because I love LEA, I mean PIB

Three Ways to “Win” an Argument with Your Husband. ~ Shasta Townsend

 

Hint: It’s not what you think.

The impulse was to throw the TV remote at his head and tell him what a total asshole he was by watching hockey and cutting me off with six simple words: “I don’t want to fight, Shasta.”
These I interpreted as “I don’t want to be present to you so please go away. You are interrupting something actually important here.” So I did go away. I grabbed my purse, marched down the hall and slammed the door as I stomped into the driveway and backed my car out so fast my neighbors would think I was on a get away mission. And I guess I was.

We argue rarely so maybe that is partly why it seems awful when we do.

This time we weren’t really arguing as much as having a moment when we were both triggered or in “script.” The details of it I will not bore you with, but needless to say it was a moment when my husband and I were interpreting an event through the narrative of our own old story. And of course each of our individual old stories began to push against the other person’s. Those old worries, wounds and wants, often in place since or because of childhood were just getting ramped up by the other person’s worries, wounds and wants. So it was best to leave.
We all have stuff to some degree, and our lover can be a great tool to help expose, heal and release that stuff as long as we are willing to take responsibility for what arises. For example, I know I have a trigger around being ignored and I like to resolve conflict sooner than later. When my husband says, “I don’t want to fight” and goes back to watching hockey, all that stuff arises in me. But I also know my husband needs time to cool down, to be with things and to reflect on how he wants to respond. Though in the moment it drives me a little crazy, I know leaving him alone is the best action on my part, even if I don’t always leave it be in a graceful manner.

So how do you “win” an argument with your husband if he won’t even talk to you?

The next day after we had time to chill out and have some perspective, we did talk and a deeper level of trust, intimacy and connection came out of it. Arguments can either destroy your relationship or be the contrast that helps you gain clarity through kindness, compassion and allowing. Winning an argument therefore can mean you both move forward together feeling stronger, more loved and more understood.
The old paradigm of “winning” by triumphing over another is clearly not working and not conducive to a long-term loving, collaborative and supportive relationship. It is a great way to create bitterness, resentment and tension. So the new powerful model of “winning” an argument and therefore creating a winning relationship is:

1. Be right or be happy.

Yes, it feels good to feel right. There was a part of me that wanted to tell my husband what a jerk he was and feel right about my view or actions. Perhaps it is that part that seeks vindication or even vengeance but I know that part is a voice of pain. Rather than feed that voice I chose to let it be and be happy rather than right. This means I had to not look for ways to make him wrong. I allow him his actions, views and response knowing that all is right and then I had to look for love.

2. Look for love, diffuse the anger.

It is simple but powerful. When you are angry with someone, all you can see are the things you don’t like and you keep rehashing all the stupid things he said to confirm in your mind that he is an asshole. If you want to actually be with this asshole, then you can allow the anger but seek the love. For me, I take a deep breath and call on the feeling of appreciation. I look for something to remember about him and our life that I love. Remember all the times he brings you flowers. Remember how you love the look in his eyes when he smiles. Remember how wonderful it is to feel his arms around you. Remember that he is a man who probably is trying his best and who loves you when you are an asshole too.

3. Be the powerful feminine.

Let’s just admit it—there is a voice of rage that can arise in women when we are confronted by strong masculine energy. It is the voice of millions of women who have been abused, killed or denied over the millennia and it is our own voice of victimhood as women. I notice in myself that when I have an argument with my husband there is a voice that says, “You can’t talk to me this way. Who the f—k do you think you are? No man is allowed to say that to me.” I know where this comes from and I know at one level it has helped me in my life but I also know my husband does not want to hurt me and in fact is one of the biggest feminists on the planet. I also know the time of love and holism is here and that means as a woman I can allow strong masculine energy but also be strong feminine energy. Strong feminine energy is fierce love, deep compassion and the revelation of truth.

What does that looks like? I saw my husband as this beautiful man whom I loved deeply, with his own story of pain playing out in some unconscious way just as mine was. I loved him fiercely in spite of it and because of it. I looked into his eyes and reflected compassion and empathy rather than judgment or resentment. I revealed to him clearly and lovingly what I was asking for and what I was willing to take responsibility for, which opened up the door for him to do the same. Within 10 minutes our night-long argument was complete and we both came away with a greater understanding of the other person and a feeling of renewed love.
Win-win!


Shasta Townsend: A celebrated transformational leader and a leading pioneer in embodied spirituality, Shasta has inspired thousands of people through her breakthrough methods for awakening and empowering your inner voice and divine power. Shasta delivers public talks, seminars, writings and trainings on evolution and empowerment and focused particularly on being and allowing love. She is especially appreciated for her passionate way of allowing individuals to make sense of their world and embodied, holistic means to become the change they wish to see. Her latest book, Shaken and Stirred: A Love Story for the New Age will be available in early 2013. Visit www.shastatownsend.com to learn more.

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2013/05/three-ways-to-win-an-argument-with-your-husband-shasta-townsend/

Curiosity Killed the Cat

Urgh.  I'm awful at Facebook stalking.  Why do I do it?  Do you?? I mean seriously, it isn't any good for anyone.  It gets the mind thinking, when of which, it shouldn't be. 

I, of all people, get too sentimental about shit. I  look at pictures and think about that person and wonder how they interacted and so on and so forth.  Which then gets me thinking about when they're alone and when they're with people.  I think about how my relationship would be different to how there's would.  And I wonder if I'm an awful person for disliking someone I don't know. 

I start to wonder whether they made a mistake and if ever in a room again, if their emotions would take over.  I wonder about any residual feelings and how they would react to seeing one another again.

I know I shouldn't be looking.   YOU know I shouldn't be looking.  Why do I look.  I know you look too.  Urgh.  This is life.  This is when you'd rather be doing anything but working. 

THIS IS WHAT PROCRASITATION GIVES YOU.  Thoughts.  Useless, rocking chair anxiety thoughts.  Have you ever heard of that saying?  Worrying is like a rocking chair.  It keeps you moving, but gets you no where.

That's what my mind is doing right now.  FUCK..  And I'm typing about a million miles a minute just to get these racing thoughts out of my head.  I use the term racing because I know its the clinical term. 

Fuck- I need out of this field too.  I am sick of analyzing everything.  Thinking, would I fall under the diagnosis or this diagnosis.  No I don't meet all the criteria for this diagnosis.  I'm SO OVER IT.

I like being back in the office and when I'm there I like the progress I'm making.  What I don't like is coming back to my parents house and having nothing to do.  I need to move back to Meadville if I'm going to stay here.  Get some part of my life back there again.  Going to the gym....hanging out with friends.  Okay, so I don't have any friends in Meadville.  I only really had one that I hung out with and now he's off limits.  More so out of respect than any thing else.  Plus he's engaged now.  Not sure how is new girl will take me coming back into his life.  Not to well since she was the girl after me.

Anyway, not thinking about that because there isn't any reason.  I don't think of him and I'm certainly not interested in starting that friendship again.  Urgh. I keep making this sound worse then it is.  Not sure I'll post this rattle.  Although, you know I haven't posted a blog in so long.  I have my sisters internet which is giving me the freedom to be back in my world again. I love it.

I miss the boy so much.  I miss my life in Brisbane.  I miss what I could have there.  I miss my friends and the rain and West End markets.  I miss climbing and the coffee.  I miss EVERYTHING!!!!

Okay, I guess I've procrastinated long enough.  And I have successfully posted the most useless, rambling blog in the world.  I'm not going to re-read it spell check or anything.

I was once part of this blogger group.  We were to give the group one piece of advice we had learned over our years of blogging.  I only took one guys with me. It was this, your first draft is never ever ever good.  Never post a first draft.

I thought, whoops, all my posts are always drafts.  Yikes.

Don't read this people.  Its  not good. 

Ciao.

Black Souls

Here is something else.  I genuinely dislike most people I know here.

Just talking to them; I can tell their spirit is black.  Everyone here is out for themselves and they don't even realize it.  At the end of the day, I can't even say I have any true friends here except a few scattered around, please don't be offended that I'm not naming you individually; you know who you are and I love you for it.  And not that it matters, I don't need a zillion friends.  Its just really sad at how many people are dishonest.  It requires you to keep your guard up and that is so draining.

Nathan used to get so mad at me that I trusted people so easily.  He would tell me that people aren't honest and are manipulative.  After an e-mail exchange yesterday and today, along with the recent events of the practice; its shocking to me how many people are comfortable with themselves. 

And then they're so good at lying and being deceitful; I'm the one who feels guilty.  Like all of the honesty and effort I've put into making sure things are "right" and they are so jaded by their own perception that they think I'm being dishonest. 

There will come a point when we stop taking this insurance company.  Its coming to a point now that the people I am dealing with are genuine honest true blue people.  And not just when things are going well.  These people are here for the long haul.  They don't have hidden secret agendas.  They are good people.  And that is what keeps me going here.

Strength to shine

Today I realized why I hate being here.  Its my 

Noun

• S: (n) quality of life (your personal satisfaction (or dissatisfaction) with the cultural or intellectual conditions under which you live (as distinct from material comfort)

Do you know those movies you see on TV about run down farms, dead end jobs and people who are just so closed minded that you think, "fuck, this has to be exaggerated."  Let me tell you first hand, they are not.  They are real peoples lives.   There isn't anything at all wrong with it at all.  Most people are happy and content with this life they lead and more power to them.

But I desire more than to just wake up, work, go home.  I just do.  This whole area is depressing and I just haven't ever found anything that I absolutely LOVE about it. 

I've tried a million times.  I have.  And I think being away will lessen that feeling when I come back, but that's not the case.  Its a place that I kindly visit.  Mom said she wants me to stay because she doesn't have an emergency contact when I'm in Australia.  I didn't want to tell her that I don't put her down for that ever anymore.  If I have to use someone in the States, I use Trista.  I just can't bear the thought of my mom getting a call at 3am to tell her there is something wrong with me. 

Trista wouldn't take it well, but she's at least more calm about things.  She can call her mom who will most certainly be calm about whatever the issue is.  Then people can tell my mom when they've dealt with the issue so they can deal with her hysteria. 

Either way, I'm going to rebuild the practice.  We've set up some really amazing achievable goals in the practice.  While I would love to add some D & A; I'll settle with the really awesome programs we are developing and then go from there.  My idea of opening two more offices in the next year went over well.  And I have full support from the staff.  Which is exactly what I need.  I can't wait to break away from these BHRS (Behavioral Health Rehabilitation Evaluations).  The new programs are needed and in the direction of where I want to be with the practice anyway.  Where I've wanted to take it for years, but because I listened to others when making decisions, ended up not making those changes. 

No more.  This is my life and my quality that needs to be fulfilled.  You don't like it?  Leave.  Well, wait, haha-I've fired and let go all the employees not worth keeping.  And happily, all the ones I wanted to fire have quit.  So I'm in a great position at the moment. 

I'm back.  In my element.  Stronger then ever.  and I'm going to use my fire of force to shine.

Thankful.

I'm thankful that we have the best possible sex that I have ever had with any one ever. Always. Never sometimes. ❤❤

As the birds chirp their good mornings......

My final few days here in West End have been full and mainly boring. 

I had an appointment with a Life Coach.  Here's the problem.  I do not necessarily find that acquiring the "direction" of a life coach to be the way to go in life.  Firstly, she was, in every way, useless to me.  She did speak about herself quite a bit during the one hour we spent together.  In the end, she offered me a job (a good) but then still charged me for the session.  Because the scheduling girl had misquoted me at $180, I paid that "discounted" fee from $250.  That's insane first of all.  I don't honestly know that ANYONE's time is worth $250.

On top of that, we had a girls night last night.  Full of pure romance, baking, and giggles.  These girls are so beautiful.  I can't help but to absolutely adore the friends I have made.  All on my own accord.  These girls enjoy me for me.

The boy surprised me this morning with some 3 am love making, I'm going to miss that.  As the sun comes up over the Brisbane river, the ferries are already at full speed, and the birds chirp their good mornings, I'm reminiscing..... re-reading my private blog.  Rediscovering who I used to be, who I aimed to be, and who I am now.  I'm not that much different than the girl who started posting a blog in Aug of 2011.  Still a mess, still happy, still being me.

I'm letting life take its course.  In a facebook conversation with my besties in the US, I wrote: its 5;43 here, I just fired another employee, my business has failed, and I don't have a visa to come back to Australia. but chin up............Deb replied: You are coming back here and will get it back together. It hasnt failed. Just a couple people have failed you. 

In the end, it doesn't really matter.  What's a life if you're caged?

The chill of the morning air is numbing my fingers.  The sounds of west end awakening....climbing with my friends isn't going to happen today.  Really upsetting for me, but nothing I can do about that.  West end markets are on this morning to say good bye to the routines I've built here.  To finally buy a shirt from there that I've always wanted.  I'll have the gypsies organic coffee one more time and maybe a donut this morning.  I'm no longer in control of where I live at the moment.  Forced to head back to my homeland due to politics and paperwork. 

At least, I have my amazing family and friends to return to.  There maybe no rock climbing, or waking up to the ocean, and snow 9 months out of the year....but the people are so perfect.  I love each of them to no end and am honored that they have stayed by me through my journey around the world.  And I can't thank God enough for blessing me with the gift of knowing each and every soul.

Goodbye Saturday mornings on the Brisbane River.......

xoxox

From my old Blog: Are you a chicken or pig?

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Are you a chicken or pig?



I have used this symbol for  years-check out http://www.annencmhs.org/ for proof!

I recently had a blog about being present when in a situation.  I want to be able to give people my full attention.  I don't want to just be there, I want to be involved.  I don't just want people to know my name; I want them to love me.  Enjoy my company, my time, what I'm giving them.  I no longer just want to be someone in a room with someone else.  I want to pay attention to what I'm told, care about what is being said, and follow up in the end with something meaningful. 

Honestly, its some severe behavioral modification going on.  You know how difficult it is for a girl with ADHD to focus?  To not have six things going on?  To hear what she is told?  You'd be surprised.  I fail more times then not.

Some of the things I've done to change this is finishing a project before I address who ever is in my office.  Leave my phone either on silent or in the car when I'm with friends/family, or just simply send a call to voice mail.

I took my grandmother out to eat this weekend and we just spent some time going around the town.  She showed me where she lived with her parents as a kid, where she would play in the river, where she first met my grandfather.  Where they lived when they were first married, and then where they lived when they had the first of the seven kids.  She told me about the railroad tracks they would walk and the ice cream places they would stop.  She said her dad always made sure she had spending money to go to the sock hops and the skating rink.  I really listened and really heard her tell her story.  I loved every second of it.

“We may have a habit within ourselves of looking for happiness elsewhere than in the here and the now. We may lack the capacity to realize that happiness is possible in the here and now, that we already have enough conditions to be happy right now.” –Thich Nhat Hanh

I want to be committed to each and every single person involved in my life.  You're worth it.  I want you to know it.

"The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'."
- unknown

xoxoxoxox

From my old blog: June 5, 2011

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Life is like a motorcycle?

Today was my first official day back on my bike since the warmer weather.  It was awesome.  Beautiful day.  I spent it with my dad's side of the family....all of whom are c.r.a.z.y.  hahaha-in a good way.  Love all of them.

Back to my title though; I was riding and thought of some key points to which life was exactly like my bike.

Since I hadn't been on in over 8 months, I was worried if I'd remember how to ride.  See last spring/summer was my first time ever riding a bike by myself.  So there was a lot of learning.  I spent the entire summer worried about remembering what exactly I was to be doing in order to make the thing go without me falling over.  Getting on this year was easy as 1-2-3, A-B-C!  I remember exactly what I was doing and did it seamlessly!  The greatest accomplishment ever is not having to look down to see if you're in neutral.  JUST knowing you did it without looking down, was fantastic. 

Breaking around curves/bends is a big no no when riding.  For several reasons, this is a bad idea.  I had to keep reminding myself, "don't break, don't break....get off the breaks!!!"  Keep looking straight ahead, as far into the corner as you can...the bike will follow exactly where it needs to go, no matter the speed.

I will also grasp the handle bars until my fingers turn white and I can't hold on any more.  When I hit a pot hole, I try to steer the bike back into command.  This is an AWFUL idea!  If I would release my death grip, the bike will shake around a little bit and then steady itself when its ready.  My tight grip makes the bikes ability to straighten itself almost impossible. 

Trust your bike.  It is better at handling the roads then you are.  This machine was made to fly into corners at top speeds. "Lean with it.  Rock with it."  If you hesitate, you're fucked.  So stop thinking about it.....just let the bike do what it was made to do....glide.

The wind is awful!  Have you ever ridden a bike?  Then you'd know that out of nowhere a gust of wind can take you by surprise and sweep you off your tires in the time it takes you to inhale.  This can be exhausting when you are riding on a beautiful day.  And worse on a shitty day.  Hold your ground and keep going.  My mantra?  "I am like a hot knife moving through butter....I am like a hot knife moving through butter...." Sometimes that's all that gets me through.

Right hand: release gas.  Right hand: break.  Left hand: clutch.  Left foot: Break.  Right foot: Shift.    All together now  releasegasbreakclutchbreakshift.  This is how you come to a stop sign.  My brain does this automatically.  No thought process whatsoever.  Pretty damn cool, I think.

Something a lot of people don't know about riding.  When you are steering the bike and you want to go left you push the right handle bar out.  It's different when driving you want to go left, you turn the wheel left, to go right you turn right.  With the bike you have to lean and push out.  It's a bit difficult to get used to when you're first riding.  It becomes second nature after a while.

Do you see how life is like a motorcycle?  Please don't ask me to spell these points out to you.....

• Its great knowing you don't have to worry about things....they just fall into place.
• Keep looking ahead...no one knows what's in store for you, just trust that you are going to be fine.
• You can't be in control all the time, let loose of your death grip and roll with life.
• Enjoy your time.  Life is meant to be lived...so live it!
• Thing will come at you, take them one blow at a time. (that could be taken two ways....get it?  hahaha)
• You can handle more things then you think you can. Just relax.
• Everything isn't always as it seems.  Sometimes you have to pay attention to understand something outside the norm.

My best point?  I hadn't been on my bike in so long, I was worried I'd forgotten how to ride at all....but when I got back on it all came back to me.  The skill of riding had been embedded the previous year.  All that worrying about if I was doing it right, the fear of even being out on the open road, all for naught.  Now....if I could just put life away for a small amount of time, just to rest and relax up so I can take my own pointers successfully.


xoxoxoxox

From my Private Blog 8/8/2011

Melinda sent us girls a blog post from a girl who wrote 100 things she likes about herself.  Its from her list 30 things before turning 30. 
With my 30th just around the corner, made me want to dig up from my old blog my 99 things.  here it is:

Okay, so here's the deal...I bought

Swim Naked, Defy Gravity& 99 other essential things to accomplish before turning 30 by Colleen Rush

when I was 21.  A recent birthday of a very good friend made me realize I'm going to be 30 way too soon....So I'd better get this checklist completed.  Every Monday, I'm going to try to work on crossing something else off my list.


Still left to do:
1. Break all my parents arbitrary rules
2.Grow Something: My clinician bought me a bulb for CHristmas, I'll keep you posted on how successful I am at this!
3. Dump Toxic Friends: to be honest though, I'm not sure I have any....
4. Speak a Foreign language
5. Draw and Frame a self-portrait
6. Stop chronic over-apologizing
8. Develop a Plan B
9. Know your friends' family tree
10. Embrace your inner eight-year-old (disney land anyone??)
11. Read Woman's Bodies, Women's Wisdom by Christane Northrup, MD
12. Build a Raging campfire
13. Make the first move
14. Be your own muse
15. Master a signature family recipe
17. Negotiate for something expensive
19. Claim your granny panties....(I may skip this one...where do you even buy these?)
20. Make brownies from scratch
21. Exorcise the words "like" and "you know" from your vocabulary
22. Find your religion
24. perfect your am stretch
25. declare your birthday a national holiday
26. Stock an emergency disaster kit
28. Take your hobby more seriously than your job
31. hook up something high tech by yourself
32. lose your virginity again
33. know your blood type
34. Confront someone who's done  you wrong
35. write a body manifesto
36. have a mantra
37. research your family's medical history
40. Make more money then you spend
41. Be a nudist for a day....
42. Adopt an awkward teenager
43. dress for longevity
46. use a great dermo
47. get over yourself
48. sleep in a hammock...I know right?  I can't wait to do this!!
49. Own a tool box with all the basics
50.Memorize your favorite smells and surround yourself with them
51. Fall in love (or lust) without blowing off your friends
52. Dub the greatest hits from your childhood
53. Care about where your food comes from
54.Fly first class
55. Cultivate your own style
56. Forgive your parents
57. be a dork
60. Adopt another motherland
61. Make a killer cocktail
62. Tie a few knots (learn to make knots-not getting married!)
63. Have your fortune told
64. give yourself flowers
65. Stop looking for a soul mate
66. give props to a teacher
68. be notorious for something
69.-bounce back 

At the time of the post, I had already completed the other 30 things, and as I completed the ones left on the list I would blog about it and then cross it off.

I'd like to just say that I have actually completed a few more of these (of which I've listed below:)

Okay, so here's the deal...I bought

Swim Naked, Defy Gravity& 99 other essential things to accomplish before turning 30 by Colleen Rush

when I was 21.  A recent birthday of a very good friend made me realize I'm going to be 30 way too soon....So I'd better get this checklist completed.  Every Monday, I'm going to try to work on crossing something else off my list.


Still left to do:
2.Grow Something: My clinician bought me a bulb for CHristmas, I'll keep you posted on how successful I am at this!

4. Speak a Foreign language
5. Draw and Frame a self-portrait
6. Stop chronic over-apologizing
8. Develop a Plan B
9. Know your friends' family tree

11. Read Woman's Bodies, Women's Wisdom by Christane Northrup, MD

14. Be your own muse
15. Master a signature family recipe
17. Negotiate for something expensive
I feel as though I did this in Thailand when I was there. On my ring and earrings I purchased.  I thought I blogged about it??

19. Claim your granny panties....(I may skip this one...where do you even buy these?)

21. Exorcise the words "like" and "you know" from your vocabulary
Since moving from the States, this wasn't as hard as one would think.

22. Find your religion
I am finally comfortable with my beliefs.  This has taken way way way too long, but I've made it. Whoot Whoot!

24. perfect your am stretch
While technically, I don't stretch every morning.  I do think about this more often then before because of this book.  I'm going to mark it completed.

25. declare your birthday a national holiday
26. Stock an emergency disaster kit

31. hook up something high tech by yourself
32. lose your virginity again
Fuck this one.  Here's the thing.  I've spent too much time in my life worried about sex.  PIB and I had sex on the first date.  BEST thing I ever did.  I pushed aside worry and anxiety and feelings of how he would think of me when it was over.  I was open and allowed myself to have a fantastic time.  We have had the best sex that I have ever ever ever had in my entire life.  And I wouldn't take it back.  That was a first for me and I will forever be grateful that I took that leap of faith.

33. know your blood type

36. have a mantra
Without realizing it, I've had this mantra for such a long time.  This too shall pass.  It was told to me in July of 2007.  While the circumstances of which it was told to me, hasn't changed much at all, it was the best piece of advice anyone has every bestowed upon me.  With that said, I have learned that in all sincerity if bad times pass, one must also remember that so do good times.  So live in the moment.  Release yourself from the burden of expectations and judgment and live a life you want to live.

37. research your family's medical history

42. Adopt an awkward teenager

46. use a great dermo
47. get over yourself
No doubt I'm humble.  hahahaha

49. Own a tool box with all the basics
Since having this book and this goal, I keep purchasing miscellaneous tools.  Most of which I haven't any idea how to use.  However, I haven't been settled enough in the last two years to actually keep these tools I purchase in a tool box.  Therefore, I am also calling this task complete.

50.Memorize your favorite smells and surround yourself with them
I have actually taken this one to heart as well.  When I'm away from my boy, I have his cologne near me.  When I catch a whiff of a scent I enjoy, I take the time to stop and really smell and remember whatever thoughts come about my brain.  I love this task.

51. Fall in love (or lust) without blowing off your friends
My boy has been so fantastic about letting this happen naturally.  Since he loves my hobbies and our friends are the same, it has been very easy to do this without any expectations of having to blow our friends off.  Thrills me to no end.

53. Care about where your food comes from
I wasn't sure how I'd go about doing this for the longest time.  Mainly because I just wasn't sure how to make this happen.  I'm thrilled to say though, that finally since living here in West End, my eyes have been open to so many things.  Heading to the markets for my week supply of groceries is one of the best parts of my week. 

54.Fly first class
I'm pretty sure I actually blogged about this in a previous post.  Not sure if it was in this blog or my private blog.

55. Cultivate your own style
Funny enough, this has probably happened all by itself.  Just ask my friends.  I'm pretty sure I can say this is completed.

56. Forgive your parents
Eh-For what? 

57. be a dork
A few weeks ago the boy pinned me a computer badge.  (Although he took it away a few days after), This is marked complete.

61. Make a killer cocktail
ladies night is coming up this Friday.....maybe we can mark it off then??

62. Tie a few knots (learn to make knots-not getting married!)
 Thanks to the wonderful world of rock climbing, this came about all on its own!

64. give yourself flowers

66. give props to a teacher
68. be notorious for something

Guidance

I am in desperate need of some direction.  I have turned to some of my usual places, Cainer, who tells me that I need to accept peace or something like that.  The boy, who tells me whatever I decide is fine. 

My problem is this: my practice has failed, of which is to be expected.  I knew what was happening when I left in Feb.  But decided to leave anyway because the relationship with PIB was more important that making a shitton of money.  I thought I'd push my luck.  Then realized, I had no luck to push.

So like my usual self, I'm doing some research.  Finding out how others make decisions.  I have found a very unhelpful blog about zen called good life zen.  Mary says this about her site: 
I'm passionate about supporting people who want to lead a happier and more meaningful life There was an article about how to make decisions.  It was the biggest line of bullshit I have ever read.  It listed 9 ways to make a decision, all the while encouraging indecision.  For example, Go with your gut, but don't let it lead the way.  UM? What?  Either way, I skimmed the post and thought, Fuck off  Ms. Neuroscientist.  Obviously you don't read the shit you post.

I found a flowchart for medical interns in a hospital.  It was pretty cute, but not relevant.

Then I found this article:

http://goodlifezen.com/2010/09/10/what-is-your-temperament/

Yes, good life zen.  And I must take back my negative post above, but only in regards to this post. Not because it is helping me make any deicisons.  But because I like what I see.  The boy is a beaver.  I am a fox.  The fox describes my personality to a T.

Now, what to do with this useless information???  hmmmmmm........I guess I'll keep searching online for some answers.  I wonder how many people just type into Google: what to do with my life?  Lets see what responses I get.  I'm not happy with what was listed.  Therefore, I'm skipping this section of my post.