I'm really trying to understand who I am in a relationship. After nearly 2 years in this one, I am still trying to discover what it takes to be in one.
1. I want to be strongly desired.
I am slowly learning that he doesn't love things that way. So my wise mind fights with my emotional mind. A want vs. a need. Yesterday, we were walking around in the store and he does this thing that seriously makes my heart skip a beat. He guides me with his hands. Touches the small of my back and moves me where we need to go. He lets his hand slid down and rest lightly on my butt. I love it. Makes me want to curl up in him and kiss him. We fall short of this though when I feel as though I've been hurt for one reason or another. Let me just acknowledge the fact that I am emotional and pretty demanding. However, like all rational (although, I don't particularly claim to be rational, in this instance, I compare myself to a rational) people, rejection, or the feeling of rejection, is very difficult to swallow. This hurt and pain lasts forever. The fact my boy doesn't understand how to handle these feelings makes it worse. To simply ignore and/or act as though it never happened is about the most absolutely defeating feeling.
Fact is, my feelings don't go away when they are ignored. They don't go away when we don't talk about them. They are a particle. Once created, it doesn't disappear. It can be dissolved into something smaller and let go of, but not until I feel like its been addressed. Men, if you don't want to talk about things with your girl, then don't bother being in a relationship All woman want to talk. They want to be understood and heard. If you can't be fucked, then you won't get fucked. Simple.
Communication is the key here. Ask her exactly how she wants you to handle it. What are her expectations around this situation. Don't tell her not to have expectations. She will. So give her a hand. Step up and talk with her. And then, follow through.
Does it make you feel uncomfortable? Good. Keep in mind that whatever she has perceived you to have done, also makes her uncomfortable.
2. I want intimacy and emotional closeness.
I haven't wanted this for a very long time. Now I do. I want sex to pull us together on things. I want to feel as though you're the only one I've ever given myself to. I want slow intimate love. Something that makes me forget the world for a bit. To fall into the feeling of your fingertips on my body. Your kisses on my neck will make my back arch. I want it to be you and me against the world. A team.
I was reading about a study it said, "Marta Meana had men and woman watch erotic pictures of contact between a man and a woman and tracked the participants' eye movements. She found that men and woman focus on different aspects of the sexual event. Men looked at the woman, while the women watched the two genders equally. They concentrated on the man's face and the woman's body. What turned them on apparently were the desired female body, with which they identify, and the man's lustful gaze, for which they long."
This, to me, proves that I see an entire picture when thinking about something. Whereas he can't. He isn't programmed to.
What saddens me the most is I'm sure he's looking for the same things. Except we are too self absorbed to give it to each other. We don't trust the other person to think about us and so we close down. Shut ourselves off from experiencing something wonderful and selfless.
Brings it back to communication. Without speaking to one another, understanding can't be gained. Relationships fail and woman walk away.
3. To know how to fight.
Psychology Today posted an article asking how to diagnose an unhealthy relationship. One paragraph hit home for me. "Repair vs. revenge. If your partner really loves you, fights become a way to learn more about each other. You will see a genuine effort to repair conflicts through turning toward each other and sincere listening to feelings. Tained love is vindictive. Each argument turns into an opportunity for payback. You'll see fights produce blaming, coercion or rejection. "
I have learned, long before this post, to use arguments as a time to understand and learn something about him. I try very hard to hear what he says and to validate his feelings. I can imagine he doesn't feel the same way. He feels as though he goes unheard. How do we change this? Whats the answer??
4. I need to be given the opportunity to move on.
I know he loves me. I KNOW this. I haven't known that in so many of y previous relationships. I didn't know that in my marriage. Do you know why? In my marriage, my husband didn't show me affection. He also didn't change his behaviors when we spoke about things. This boy is affectionate. I love it. I know when he isn't its because I'm holding onto something he has moved on from and he senses it. He gives me space and forgets about it.
I know it doesn't work like that. A healthy compromise would be "needing to talk" about only true grievances. Whilst letting other things slide. Fact is, when my feelings are hurt; all things are true grievances. We'd fight less, for a shorter period of time, if he would give time to acknowledge my feelings and hear how I can move on. Then he needs to take noticeable note to keep communication open.
I think he blames himself more than I blame him for things. Its tough, because he doesn't see it as me not blaming him. There isn't blame. I KNOW its perception. I always know that. What he doesn't know is that its perception. To appreciate my point of view on things.
He is going to hate me one day when I get up and leave the relationship. I know if this happens, it won't be until I'm fed up with our lack of communication. I will have no other options. Until then, I will "nag" and I will write and I will pick fights. I want to be heard. I want things to change. I want to be us.
