We had a Photo Shoot; a Couples Boudoir Photo Shoot.....

I'm madly in love with my boy.  Seriously, he can keep up with me and never once makes me feel like he'd rather be chewing out his toenails.  Which, obviously, is good.

I went to Sexpo in Brisbane a few months back.  You could purchase a good many items for the toy box under your bed.  Or, in a friends case, the kitchen drawer. (He bought a hand mixer, and after several minutes searching for it online, I can't even show you what it looks like because it was too out of place for Sexpo).

My only purchase of the night was for $25.  A gift voucher for a photo shoot at the Gold Coast.   It was for hair and make up, the photo shoot session and a free 11 x 18 print of my favorite photo.

Current promotion from their website

The promotion has changed a bit but, eek!  Twenty-five dollars!!???!!  How could I say no?

When they boy and I moved from Brisbane to Melbourne, I had assumed I had wasted that money on the voucher.  However, we were up in QLD this weekend and thus, this girl booked our photo shoot!

I only have grainy photos as the sales agent was insistent that I use the photos only for reference purposes and not to be blown up.  So here are the shitty (but postable) photos until 4 weeks time when the actual photos come in.

An hour of make up and 10 seconds on my hair; we're ready to go

I was fucking nervous.  This girls body is NOT in the shape it should be.  Two years of not working out and eating the shittiest foods, I have become just another careless human being.  Tim, lean and tall, had no worries on his mind whatsoever.  Beforehand, I had expressed my severe worries to him.  I had said to him, "it is your responsibility to make me feel comfortable.  I will forget about my body, if you don't freak out about little things."

He was born for this.  Completely in control of his actions and emotions, he went with the flow (albeit, may need some more modeling experience for posing purposes) and was my life saver.

We had no issues with chemistry. 

I had spent weeks and months searching for pinterest and other websites for couples boudoir shots. I wanted artsy and sexy without pornographic and explicit.     Falling in love with a few websites, I found a few that really matched our personalities.  Something that I could be happy about, even when I was 100 years old.

HSPU's from Crossfit, made Tim's second fav photo!

I'd love to share more, and I don't only because the world is a close minded bitch.  One who doesn't accept nudity and/or art in the same open mindedness as I do.  We have some fantastically beautiful shots of which were our favs.   For now, one more that is steamy, and only steps over the line just a tad.....

                                         

A fun, exciting experience with my boy that I simply won't want to ever forget. This, my dear friends, is what life is all about.  Making memories. Experiencing life in a way that pushes every single comfort zone you posses.  I want to experience so many things, make the most memories possible, and life life to its fullest.

All done!  Now, we wait for our prints.

                                            

What fun memories have you made with someone you love?  I'd love to hear about them.

Love without Attachment

Attachment makes our critical mind overactive.  I've been learning a lot in life about love, relationships, and how to make myself happy.  I've pulled from principles such as Christianity, craziness, and Buddhism. 

I remember years ago when I started to dabble in Buddhism, a friend of mine said he would disown me if I got to heavily involved with it.  I've picked things up over the last few years about the principles and the intentions.  While, I agree with some of the methods (and maybe my issue is one foot in; one foot out) I can't commit completely to the practice.

I constantly struggle with my desire to flee a relationship.  Twice now I've been told that i am up and down while the boy is a steady line.  I get excited and run full force.  Never understanding the amount of enthusiasm I put into something; I get scared seeing, in my mind, a lackluster response from my partner.  Thus making me step back and subsequently, my enthusiasm waning.

“In desperate love, we always invent the characters of our partners, demanding they be what we need of them, and then feeling devastated when they refuse to perform the role we created in the first place.” 
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

“I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism.” 
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

It's been almost three years since I've left the relationship I felt as though was smothering me.  Only to, I fear, step into another relationship.  Jesus Fucking Christ.  I don't understand why I fear commitment. I want my space but I want to be with him too.  I don't know how to happily manage the both of them.  Moving to Melbourne has been both good and bad.  But we have learned very little from the therapy sessions we attended.  Not to discredit the time we spent on therapy; however, we both still shut down and we both still withdraw.  And I guess this that I am experiencing is what you experience in a relationship as an adult couple.

I'm watching season 5 of Parenthood and I see how the older couple have been pulled away.  She is traveling to Italy because he is happy staying inside his box.  She feels like she missed out on her life.  She is happy that she had the life that she led; but no she is wanting to experience more.  I fear I will live a life like this. Scared.  I now understand whole hardheartedly the need to slip away for three days, with no contact with the world.

I miss my boy's touch.  He used to reach for me and want to interact with me.  He pursued me.  And I feel like we're just content and comfortable right now.  I don't like it.  I still want him to show me he wants me.  I want him to be who he was when he was putting in effort to make me his.  I love him, so much.  Yet, I'm attached to him so thus I have this emotional roller coaster.  I struggle to give him what he needs, give me what I need, and not lose sight of what we both want.  I forget things that make me happy as an individual.  I know its my issue.  And PIB has been so fantastic by encouraging me to remember the things I enjoy doing.  He's even started running with me.   So when I fear I'm being locked into a relationship, I have to force myself to see all sides of the picture.  And remember why I love him.

You know what I want from him?  Watch Season 5 Episode 11 of Parenthood.  At the end, the husband sends a very important email as he realizes that he wants to be with his wife, even if it means stepping out of his box.  He SHOWS her he loves her.

I want romance.  I can't help it.  A flower.  A hidden note.  Just something to show me that I come across his mind.  Something unexpected to please me.  I love doing it for him, but honestly, I can't be bothered when I feel like it fruitless.  But again, that's my fucking expectation.

How do we live without it?  I don't understand.