Its still gone. I have no real desire be flirtatious. I have no desire to put my whole heart into anything boywise. I keep trying. I'm accepting dates left and right and even today, I asked a boy out. But its fake. I'm not into it.
I can't even rock climb. Even those who try to push me can't bring me to want to be better. What have I become? I don't like this change. What does it mean to be like this? Who am I, this new girl who doesn't even think to flirt?
Its good, though, I guess, that somewhere deep down, I know I'm not ready for anything serious. That subconciously I won't allow myself to get involved in anyone.
Fuck. I'm broken. Its different this time. I always move on from one boy to another. But now I can't. When I want the distraction, I can't get it. FUCK.
It pisses me off when I think about it. Makes me so fucking mad. Why am I allowing myself to feel this way? I love him so much to even let go. I'm being pretty good at not talking to him or sending him messages.
I hate how much I love you boy/but I just can't let you go/ and I hate that I love you so
Thursday, 30 August 2012
I just used Shazam to tag Hate That I Love You by Rihanna Feat. Ne-Yo.
 |  Hi, I just used Shazam to tag Hate That I Love You by Rihanna Feat. Ne-Yo and thought I'd share it with you. |
 |
<3 I hate how much I love you boy/I can't stand how much I need you/ I hate how much I love you boy/but I hate how much I love you/ one of these days maybe your magic won't affect me
Tasha Ace
Tasha Ace
Sent from my iPhone
"Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets. So, love the people who treat you right, and forget about the ones who don't. And believe that everything happens for a reason... if you get a chance - take it; if it changes your life, let it. Nobody said it would be easy... they just promised it would be worth it. ♥"
My journey
Over and over again, I am reminded like a slap in the face, why I left the States. I am a fully capable woman who by most standards is a success. I love the fact that people who "know" me there love to constantly tell me what a failure I am. I love how they, despite the facts, think I am incapable of functioning without them telling me what to do. I love how, desite the fact I'm 30, they all still treat me like I'm 8 1/2. They treat me like I have no idea how to function without them. They treat me like I have never had a thought worth thinking ever.
THEN wonder why I get pissed off and push away. Why I run. Why I panic when the suffering I feel causes me to close myself off and retreat.
I am never happier than when I'm not dealing with things from the States. I am never happier when I don't think about the resonsiblities I have there. The resonsiblities that I don't want. It's even shittier that I absolutely love everyone there, but the expecations and the cost of those relationships are so detreimental to my soul. I am sick and tired of being judged. I wonder why I don't have any confidence left? Why I overthink shit in my mind.
The things that are breaking or are broken are that way because I've spent so much time trying to please everyone and myself. I've spent so much time trying to make the people I LOVE happy. I've jumped through hoops and burning flames and over mountains. Yet to no avail. People see it as selfish, but its not. I've done things that others wanted and that makes me selfish? Wait til I can officially cut ties. Just wait until I no longer have the responsiblities of going back to the States. THIS girl, WILL NOT be headed there for as long as humanly possible.
I can't trust. I don't know how. I'm such a fucking mess. I feel like the moment I trust people, I make myself too vulnerable. This vulnerablitiy leaves me naked and confused. And then I leave myself open for judgement and expectations. I need time away that I'm not connected to that old life. Where I can rebuild my confidence and my trust in myself.
January cannot come soon enough.
Wednesday, 29 August 2012
A big deep breath....
Letting go. I know what I want to say in this post. I just don't know how to express it in words. My brain has found such peace that I have no words to describe.
I have, in large part, much thanks to give to SRW. He is honestly, probably, one of the very few in my life that can give me sound business advice. Everytime I have followed his suggestions, I have been happy with the decisions. I can't say that for any other guy or friend who has come into my life. Its the everytime part that boggles me.
This is the first step to a new journey. Less weight on my shoulders; however, with every decision comes consequences. I await those concequences. Good or bad, I'll have to take them as they come.
If this works out for me, I won't leave here in November to head back to the States. Oh, SRW! Thank you for being there for me when I needed you.
Thank you so much for not be frustrated by me. Thank you for what you've given me. It means so much.
xoxo
I have, in large part, much thanks to give to SRW. He is honestly, probably, one of the very few in my life that can give me sound business advice. Everytime I have followed his suggestions, I have been happy with the decisions. I can't say that for any other guy or friend who has come into my life. Its the everytime part that boggles me.
This is the first step to a new journey. Less weight on my shoulders; however, with every decision comes consequences. I await those concequences. Good or bad, I'll have to take them as they come.
If this works out for me, I won't leave here in November to head back to the States. Oh, SRW! Thank you for being there for me when I needed you.
Thank you so much for not be frustrated by me. Thank you for what you've given me. It means so much.
xoxo
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Tuesday, 28 August 2012
When do I heal?
You must have long-range goals to keep you from being frustrated by short-range failures. — Charles C. Noble
I had a conversation with Erin today via messaging and I am so happy for this girl. She has really come into her own. She has a beautiful family and a house they just bought. In her message she said, "jealous that you are living in Australia AND traveling where ever the wind takes you...so would love to be doing that with you!"
My response was raw and honest:
"Don't be jealous....I'm a lost soul looking for what I can't seem to find. Its always at the tip of my finger tips, but fear will always define me it seems."
I don't feel settled in my soul. I don't feel content. I feel like everything is uncertain.
Don't get me wrong here. I love my life. I know I'm blessed and I have an amazing group of friends and family. Its just I know that at some point, this journey will end. I will have to settle down and get a real job and be someone I don't want to be again.
With my visa coming to an end here shortly, I feel this is the time that this new life will need to emerge. What new responsiblities will I need to take on to make others happy? What if the long range goals I choose for others, don't justify my short range failures?
When will I stop trying to hold everything together for others? Why does fear allow me to hold on and let go depending on the situation?
I don't like how heavy my heart gets when I think about this stuff. I hate it.
Just like exercise, I feel better when I'm being mindful. So exercise and mindfulness are two things I need to reestablish in my life.
I was talking with Mel this morning, I don't want to date while I'm up here in Brisbane. It was easier to date in Melbourne because I knew I wouldn't be staying there. I hate dating close to home. It seems that I never allow myself to date people who are available to me. Or I date people who I know aren't my one. Except for TWO. But I'll leave him out of this musing.
Will I always want to take the easy way in life? Will I always want a back door escape? Its been two years and I'm going to have to say the answer still at this moment is yes.
When will I heal? When will I stop being gunshy? When will I trust again? WHEN WILL FEAR STOP DEFINING ME? When will I be confident again in my own skin? When will I committ to me?
xoxoxxoxoxo
Monday, 27 August 2012
Once Upon a Time
I'm watching the TV series and at first, I thought it was so awful. Now I'm loving it. I love how they wind the fairy tales into the story line. I'm loving how it's a fairy tale without it being a solid love story.
My favorite so far, the beast finds love but sends her away because he doesn't feel like he's worthy of love. He worries that their differences are too big. That she won't love his flaws. But he's wrong. She'd've loved him to the deepest part of her soul.
Belle - You could have had happiness of you could just believe that someone would want you. But you couldn't take the chance.
rupelstilskin- That's a lie.
B- You're a coward, rupelstilskin. And no matter how thick you make your skin, that doesn't change
R- I'm not a coward dearie. It's quite simple really. My power means more to me than you.
B- No. No it doesn't. You just don't think I can love you. Now you've made your choice and you're going to regret it. Forever. All you'll have is an empty heart and a chipped cup
*another great part:
S- there are consequences to following through when the world tells you not to.
G- what about your good memories? Don't you have moments with him that you love? Do you regret them?
S- of course not
G- isn't that what lifes about? Holding on to your good memories? That's all I wanted was one moment. One moment that a dream is possible. You've had that- so stop feeling sorry for yourself and enjoy it.
My favorite so far, the beast finds love but sends her away because he doesn't feel like he's worthy of love. He worries that their differences are too big. That she won't love his flaws. But he's wrong. She'd've loved him to the deepest part of her soul.
Belle - You could have had happiness of you could just believe that someone would want you. But you couldn't take the chance.
rupelstilskin- That's a lie.
B- You're a coward, rupelstilskin. And no matter how thick you make your skin, that doesn't change
R- I'm not a coward dearie. It's quite simple really. My power means more to me than you.
B- No. No it doesn't. You just don't think I can love you. Now you've made your choice and you're going to regret it. Forever. All you'll have is an empty heart and a chipped cup
*another great part:
S- there are consequences to following through when the world tells you not to.
G- what about your good memories? Don't you have moments with him that you love? Do you regret them?
S- of course not
G- isn't that what lifes about? Holding on to your good memories? That's all I wanted was one moment. One moment that a dream is possible. You've had that- so stop feeling sorry for yourself and enjoy it.
Sunday, 26 August 2012
The Prophet
I went to the beach today. It was such a beautiful day. So amazingly beautiful. Breath taking.
Amber's and Crispy's birthday parties were yesterday. I feel as though I haven't had much time to sit and be still since returning. I've had more down time now though than since leaving for Melbourne. Today was the day to find that moment of vitamin D that I've been lacking. To find the space where the blue of the sky meets the blue of the ocean. And I wanted to be alone.
This leaping lizard needed to find her lilly pad. She needed to float out and find that quiet time to feed her soul. So I packed my bathers, a towel, my iPad, The Prophet and my highlighter and set out.
"Head south on the M1, you'll see signs follow them." These are the instructions Bill shouted to me from his room as I was leaving. No worries, I've got this. 10 minutes driving around town, I can't find a gas station, and decide to just start following the signs to the Gold Coast, on the M3.
On my way out I run into a heartbroken soul, I invite her along on an impulse. She is grateful for the invite, we both know if she had said no, she'd been at home crying all day. I just can't have that...
Two hours and a different state, I finally find a beach in Tweeds Head. By now, its 2 pm and the hottest part of the day has passed us by. A conversation in the car I can relate. I sent an e-mail saying the same thing she is saying she wants him to know. My Hindsight is her 20/20. I ask her if she likes the way he is making her feel right now. Are you the type of person who would normally wish this much pain onto someone else? Its a rhetorical question of which we both know. Me talking to her helps band aid my soul. I tell her to be patient. She tells me patience isn't a virtue of hers. I tell her that I'm described as a whirl wind and its not mine either. Then read her a note I made in my iPhone just three days earlier, "I wanted too much from him and it could have happened, but I didn't know how to be patient enough to just let it in its own time." She nods. She gets it.
As we get to the beach, we spread out our blankets and she heads into the water. I pull out my book and tell myself to read this for me. It was given to me with the purpose to learn and grow. I gave it back tainting it with emotions that come with love. I was able to bring myself to buy it on Saturday just hoping to have it hidden, but on hand, for when I was strong enough to bring myself to the mindset of learning again.
I packed it with the determination that today would be the day that I would push past this comfort zone. Today is the day I would open my heart again. To take another step down my path of self discovery. Today, I opened The Prophet with new eyes.
So many things have popped out to me. So many things I have read and pondered and highlighted. My most cherished of gifts ever. Its my highlighter. Its so simple, but goes to show how little things give me so much joy. My yellow highlighter is my teacher while I read. Its my "stop and think" marker.
I only made it to page 28 before my brain asked for a rest, but the pages are almost all yellow. As I hear words of wisdom and my heart and soul respond, I realize that life isn't always about logic and how to make things fit into a proper slot. Its about following your heart and gut instinct. Its about not being afraid of what life has to offer.
The book helps me realize that my leaving "home" isn't a novelty. People do it all the time knowing they are destined for other things. "...I cannot withdraw from them without a burden and an ache. It is not a garment I cast off this day, but a skin that I tear with my own hands. The sea calls all things unto her calls me, and I must embark. For to stay, though the hours burn in the night, is to freeze and crystallize and be bound in the mould."
As I walk away from familiarity, knowing without it being said that my friends and family love me; "and ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation." They feel a longing to have me near. However, I know that I've a life that needs fulfilling. And so I take my steps out. Finding and losing love along the way, my soul becomes stronger and more docile.
"When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north winds lay waste the garden.
All these things may love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart..."
So yes, I'm learning the strength I possess. I'm enduring the winding turns of the road that are unexpected. I'm letting go of things I cannot control, whilst still maintaining a level head. "To be wounded of your own understanding of love," is an understatement. I'm bleeding into the depths of my soul, but I'm not growing weaker. The bleeding seems endless, but I'm staying strong. I may have loved and lost, but now that I "know the pain of too much tenderness" I stand with my head held high. I'm ready to "melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night." For someone will hear my hearts desires and fill my cup but "not drink from one cup" alone.
There is someone out there that I won't shine too bright for. Someone of whom can be themselves around me without getting burned. Maybe, I'm a dragon and I need someone who can stand in the flames without crumbling. (She has quickly becoming my favorite character in the Game of Thrones.)
For now though, I fulfil the longings of my heart by giving those who "drink from the ocean of life" a cup full from my "little stream." Working with BZE and Wild Mountains I will continue to do until my heart is content. Learn to be by myself and learn what I love, what makes me tick.
I've got this.
xoxox
Ps-Best quote from the book to date; "For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable."
The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran
Amber's and Crispy's birthday parties were yesterday. I feel as though I haven't had much time to sit and be still since returning. I've had more down time now though than since leaving for Melbourne. Today was the day to find that moment of vitamin D that I've been lacking. To find the space where the blue of the sky meets the blue of the ocean. And I wanted to be alone.
This leaping lizard needed to find her lilly pad. She needed to float out and find that quiet time to feed her soul. So I packed my bathers, a towel, my iPad, The Prophet and my highlighter and set out.
"Head south on the M1, you'll see signs follow them." These are the instructions Bill shouted to me from his room as I was leaving. No worries, I've got this. 10 minutes driving around town, I can't find a gas station, and decide to just start following the signs to the Gold Coast, on the M3.
On my way out I run into a heartbroken soul, I invite her along on an impulse. She is grateful for the invite, we both know if she had said no, she'd been at home crying all day. I just can't have that...
Two hours and a different state, I finally find a beach in Tweeds Head. By now, its 2 pm and the hottest part of the day has passed us by. A conversation in the car I can relate. I sent an e-mail saying the same thing she is saying she wants him to know. My Hindsight is her 20/20. I ask her if she likes the way he is making her feel right now. Are you the type of person who would normally wish this much pain onto someone else? Its a rhetorical question of which we both know. Me talking to her helps band aid my soul. I tell her to be patient. She tells me patience isn't a virtue of hers. I tell her that I'm described as a whirl wind and its not mine either. Then read her a note I made in my iPhone just three days earlier, "I wanted too much from him and it could have happened, but I didn't know how to be patient enough to just let it in its own time." She nods. She gets it.
As we get to the beach, we spread out our blankets and she heads into the water. I pull out my book and tell myself to read this for me. It was given to me with the purpose to learn and grow. I gave it back tainting it with emotions that come with love. I was able to bring myself to buy it on Saturday just hoping to have it hidden, but on hand, for when I was strong enough to bring myself to the mindset of learning again.
I packed it with the determination that today would be the day that I would push past this comfort zone. Today is the day I would open my heart again. To take another step down my path of self discovery. Today, I opened The Prophet with new eyes.
So many things have popped out to me. So many things I have read and pondered and highlighted. My most cherished of gifts ever. Its my highlighter. Its so simple, but goes to show how little things give me so much joy. My yellow highlighter is my teacher while I read. Its my "stop and think" marker.
I only made it to page 28 before my brain asked for a rest, but the pages are almost all yellow. As I hear words of wisdom and my heart and soul respond, I realize that life isn't always about logic and how to make things fit into a proper slot. Its about following your heart and gut instinct. Its about not being afraid of what life has to offer.
The book helps me realize that my leaving "home" isn't a novelty. People do it all the time knowing they are destined for other things. "...I cannot withdraw from them without a burden and an ache. It is not a garment I cast off this day, but a skin that I tear with my own hands. The sea calls all things unto her calls me, and I must embark. For to stay, though the hours burn in the night, is to freeze and crystallize and be bound in the mould."
As I walk away from familiarity, knowing without it being said that my friends and family love me; "and ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation." They feel a longing to have me near. However, I know that I've a life that needs fulfilling. And so I take my steps out. Finding and losing love along the way, my soul becomes stronger and more docile.
"When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north winds lay waste the garden.
All these things may love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart..."
So yes, I'm learning the strength I possess. I'm enduring the winding turns of the road that are unexpected. I'm letting go of things I cannot control, whilst still maintaining a level head. "To be wounded of your own understanding of love," is an understatement. I'm bleeding into the depths of my soul, but I'm not growing weaker. The bleeding seems endless, but I'm staying strong. I may have loved and lost, but now that I "know the pain of too much tenderness" I stand with my head held high. I'm ready to "melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night." For someone will hear my hearts desires and fill my cup but "not drink from one cup" alone.
There is someone out there that I won't shine too bright for. Someone of whom can be themselves around me without getting burned. Maybe, I'm a dragon and I need someone who can stand in the flames without crumbling. (She has quickly becoming my favorite character in the Game of Thrones.)
For now though, I fulfil the longings of my heart by giving those who "drink from the ocean of life" a cup full from my "little stream." Working with BZE and Wild Mountains I will continue to do until my heart is content. Learn to be by myself and learn what I love, what makes me tick.
I've got this.
xoxox
Ps-Best quote from the book to date; "For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable."
The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran
Saturday, 25 August 2012
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Friday, 24 August 2012
He asked for silence
As I’m on the SkyBus headed for the airport, I want to send a text message.
I want to ask if all the good times have gone in vain. Did they mean anything? Were they as fun for him as me. Or did the last few interactions leave such a bad taste in his mouth that he can’t even remember any good points? Then I think about last night. As the BZE gang and I gathered at the Standard Hotel for drinks to say farewell to Trent, who is going to China for three weeks and myself, we got lost in conversation til pretty late. Even as I think back, its amazing to me to recognize that people are not always as they seem. My first time in Melbourne, I met one of the boys there and was immediately impressed with him. Every time I’ve interacted with him, he’d been quiet and reserved, always polite. Last night, he was open and receptive to conversation. It was shocking and pleasing at the same time.
Our conversation was about men and woman. He tells me things I’ve heard from boys I’ve dated; guys don’t want to “talk”, they need their space. He tells me that every moment doesn’t need to be filled with chatter. Girls shouldn’t be needy and ask “what are you thinking.” Men loath the fact that woman don’t grasp this concept. He tells me how he’ll ask his girlfriend not to do something, and then she does it anyway. Leaving him wonder if he should say something or leave it be. He then goes on to draw a graphic. This graph shows how woman’s emotions and reactions differ from men’s. As you would expect, the woman’s line is up and down and extreme. The man’s line is elevated and then levels off. Men recognize that they are mad and yet, instead of addressing the issue, take some time (days?) to process this information. Girls feel the need to express every emotion and then they feel better. (Often, leaving the boy feeling like shit without that being the intention). The conversation goes on for a good five hours or so. I end it as the time neared 11:00 pm. I understand the conversation. I feel for guys, I do. I tell him that I will seriously take our conversation into my next relationships. I will try to make sure that my emotions are more regular to respect the person I’m with.
So this morning, as I think about sending this text of which I feel is exponentially important to find the answer to, last night’s conversation rattles around in my brain and then, an epiphany. I cherish the memories we had. I love the moments we had that he made me laugh, made me think, smile, feel good. It’s all that matters. I can’t change his mind about whatever I think I need to change it about. I can’t change the way he feels about whatever it is I think he should change. All I can do is be happy for the time that we spent together. And I’m not sorry about it. I wouldn’t change it. As a result this urgent text, that I feel must be sent, goes unsent. All the questions that I think I need to feel complete, go unasked. And for once, without him even knowing it, I give him what he’s been asking for this whole time. Silence. This is me making changes because I know to be who I want to be, change is inevitable. The one thing I can’t give him is to not be a “character” in my story. I can’t help it. He is and always will be. I hope someday he forgives me for that.
In the meantime, I am slowly moving forward. There are so many more experiences, lessons and logic to learn and understand.
I want to ask if all the good times have gone in vain. Did they mean anything? Were they as fun for him as me. Or did the last few interactions leave such a bad taste in his mouth that he can’t even remember any good points? Then I think about last night. As the BZE gang and I gathered at the Standard Hotel for drinks to say farewell to Trent, who is going to China for three weeks and myself, we got lost in conversation til pretty late. Even as I think back, its amazing to me to recognize that people are not always as they seem. My first time in Melbourne, I met one of the boys there and was immediately impressed with him. Every time I’ve interacted with him, he’d been quiet and reserved, always polite. Last night, he was open and receptive to conversation. It was shocking and pleasing at the same time.
Our conversation was about men and woman. He tells me things I’ve heard from boys I’ve dated; guys don’t want to “talk”, they need their space. He tells me that every moment doesn’t need to be filled with chatter. Girls shouldn’t be needy and ask “what are you thinking.” Men loath the fact that woman don’t grasp this concept. He tells me how he’ll ask his girlfriend not to do something, and then she does it anyway. Leaving him wonder if he should say something or leave it be. He then goes on to draw a graphic. This graph shows how woman’s emotions and reactions differ from men’s. As you would expect, the woman’s line is up and down and extreme. The man’s line is elevated and then levels off. Men recognize that they are mad and yet, instead of addressing the issue, take some time (days?) to process this information. Girls feel the need to express every emotion and then they feel better. (Often, leaving the boy feeling like shit without that being the intention). The conversation goes on for a good five hours or so. I end it as the time neared 11:00 pm. I understand the conversation. I feel for guys, I do. I tell him that I will seriously take our conversation into my next relationships. I will try to make sure that my emotions are more regular to respect the person I’m with.
So this morning, as I think about sending this text of which I feel is exponentially important to find the answer to, last night’s conversation rattles around in my brain and then, an epiphany. I cherish the memories we had. I love the moments we had that he made me laugh, made me think, smile, feel good. It’s all that matters. I can’t change his mind about whatever I think I need to change it about. I can’t change the way he feels about whatever it is I think he should change. All I can do is be happy for the time that we spent together. And I’m not sorry about it. I wouldn’t change it. As a result this urgent text, that I feel must be sent, goes unsent. All the questions that I think I need to feel complete, go unasked. And for once, without him even knowing it, I give him what he’s been asking for this whole time. Silence. This is me making changes because I know to be who I want to be, change is inevitable. The one thing I can’t give him is to not be a “character” in my story. I can’t help it. He is and always will be. I hope someday he forgives me for that.
In the meantime, I am slowly moving forward. There are so many more experiences, lessons and logic to learn and understand.
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Thursday, 23 August 2012
What are my plans when I leave Melbourne?
I don't know. I have so many options. How does a girl decide? Maybe, I'll come back?
I'm sitting in a tiny cafe in some back ally of Melbourne and as J drove me here, I once again relish in the fact that I love Melbourne.
I love the allies and the graffiti.
I love the up scale feeling on one street and the hippie feeling on the next.
In retrospect, I love the mere fact that, like me, Melbourne is a contradiction of itself. It pleases all. The camping/wildlife people and the ocean lovers are both satisfied. The business minded and the not for profits are happy here. The metropolitans and the hippies. You can be completely alone or surrounded by friends.
Ahhhhhh.....it actually is a perfect city. How is it that I haven't been able to recognize this before? Maybe because I haven't given myself this time of solace. Now that I have an opportunity to reflect, I can agree that Melbourne is an amazing city.
AND, if I had a chance to fix things with Nathan or be here, I'd be here. Hands down. I'd be alone, lost in this city that pleases all aspects of who I am. Lost in the city I barely know, with people who don't know my middle name or my date of birth. So let Nathan have his look-a-like me's. And me, no more looking back wondering why or what if. I can't be happier.
I have bright lights, dark allies, a night life, a quite park, adventure and good food.
I have happiness being by myself, alone in the world with a zillion people. I have friends who love me when I'm afar and family who don't judge me.
He is a good guy. Even with all he's done to me. I can just be happy that I don't grieve the same way he does. Who cares that I'm a mess? It's obvious I'm not ready for a relationship. On top of that, who cares that I have no idea what direction I'm headed in, or what I want. It'll happen. Whatever "it" is. It'll happen. In its own time, in its own way, just the way it should.
I don't know. I have so many options. How does a girl decide? Maybe, I'll come back?
I'm sitting in a tiny cafe in some back ally of Melbourne and as J drove me here, I once again relish in the fact that I love Melbourne.
I love the allies and the graffiti.
I love the up scale feeling on one street and the hippie feeling on the next.
In retrospect, I love the mere fact that, like me, Melbourne is a contradiction of itself. It pleases all. The camping/wildlife people and the ocean lovers are both satisfied. The business minded and the not for profits are happy here. The metropolitans and the hippies. You can be completely alone or surrounded by friends.
Ahhhhhh.....it actually is a perfect city. How is it that I haven't been able to recognize this before? Maybe because I haven't given myself this time of solace. Now that I have an opportunity to reflect, I can agree that Melbourne is an amazing city.
AND, if I had a chance to fix things with Nathan or be here, I'd be here. Hands down. I'd be alone, lost in this city that pleases all aspects of who I am. Lost in the city I barely know, with people who don't know my middle name or my date of birth. So let Nathan have his look-a-like me's. And me, no more looking back wondering why or what if. I can't be happier.
I have bright lights, dark allies, a night life, a quite park, adventure and good food.
I have happiness being by myself, alone in the world with a zillion people. I have friends who love me when I'm afar and family who don't judge me.
He is a good guy. Even with all he's done to me. I can just be happy that I don't grieve the same way he does. Who cares that I'm a mess? It's obvious I'm not ready for a relationship. On top of that, who cares that I have no idea what direction I'm headed in, or what I want. It'll happen. Whatever "it" is. It'll happen. In its own time, in its own way, just the way it should.
Wednesday, 22 August 2012
Tuesday, 21 August 2012
Beyond Zero Emissions + Me
https://beyondzeroemissions.org/people/national-science-week-csiro-discovery-centre-canberra
On the 11th and 12th of August, Beyond Zero Emissions participated in Canberra's Science Week. This event was held at CSIRO Discovery Center. Science week, an annual national event is an opportunity for young and old to gather together and enjoy the wonders of Science.
As kids ran from one stall to another, making slime and blowing things up, they didn't hesitate to stop by and see our solar thermal model. Using this model, our volunteers, Michael Kirk, Tasha Ace, Jeremy Ainscough, Eric Huttner, Terry McBride, John Moobs, and Leon Smith , used the interactive lights to entertain and educate those of all ages about our ZCA and RPA plans.
There were no shortage of questions around our plan or the model itself. Support was readily given by any number of the 14,500 people who stopped by our booth, including Canberra Times and 2XX. This event was a huge success and such a fun thing for our volunteers to participate in
All in all, we'd like to thank the volunteers who gave their time for a cause they whole heartily believe in thus driving in from Sydney, flying in from Melbourne or for those who live in Canberra, just simply getting out of bed early on a Saturday and Sunday. The eight hours each day would have been exhausting had we not had enough people to help out on this stall. This dedication doesn't go unnoticed and we appreciate all our volunteers!
On the 11th and 12th of August, Beyond Zero Emissions participated in Canberra's Science Week. This event was held at CSIRO Discovery Center. Science week, an annual national event is an opportunity for young and old to gather together and enjoy the wonders of Science.
As kids ran from one stall to another, making slime and blowing things up, they didn't hesitate to stop by and see our solar thermal model. Using this model, our volunteers, Michael Kirk, Tasha Ace, Jeremy Ainscough, Eric Huttner, Terry McBride, John Moobs, and Leon Smith , used the interactive lights to entertain and educate those of all ages about our ZCA and RPA plans.
There were no shortage of questions around our plan or the model itself. Support was readily given by any number of the 14,500 people who stopped by our booth, including Canberra Times and 2XX. This event was a huge success and such a fun thing for our volunteers to participate in
All in all, we'd like to thank the volunteers who gave their time for a cause they whole heartily believe in thus driving in from Sydney, flying in from Melbourne or for those who live in Canberra, just simply getting out of bed early on a Saturday and Sunday. The eight hours each day would have been exhausting had we not had enough people to help out on this stall. This dedication doesn't go unnoticed and we appreciate all our volunteers!
Sunday, 19 August 2012
What have I been doing in Melbourne?
Trams
Dress shopping
The great ocean road
Reflection
time alone
Dates
Volunteering
Meeting great people
Making slime
Meeting politicians
Rock climbing
Art shows
Coffee shops and chocolate
Remembering
dressing up
Meeting beautiful confident woman
Making friends forever
Demolition parties
being silly and being put in my place.
Dress shopping
The great ocean road
Reflection
time alone
Dates
Volunteering
Meeting great people
Making slime
Meeting politicians
Rock climbing
Art shows
Coffee shops and chocolate
Remembering
dressing up
Meeting beautiful confident woman
Making friends forever
Demolition parties
being silly and being put in my place.
From my Private Blog (June 4, 2012)
Monday, June 4, 2012
I keep coming back to the same spot
i thought i had it all figured out when i left nathan.
how i would just live my life by myself. married life was beyond me. I was
over having a husband who didn't contribute to the marriage. i would find
someone who loved me. who wanted to give as much as i did.
you know what i see though? people who are selfish and self absorbed. people who don't want to compromise because they have had shitty experiences with others. a bunch of people who are single because they don't want to bother to give love a chance. work out the kinks of how two different people can come together to make a beautiful relationship. how do i have faith, after a failed marriage that this is possible?
you know what i see though? people who are selfish and self absorbed. people who don't want to compromise because they have had shitty experiences with others. a bunch of people who are single because they don't want to bother to give love a chance. work out the kinks of how two different people can come together to make a beautiful relationship. how do i have faith, after a failed marriage that this is possible?
Tuesday, 14 August 2012
Monday, 13 August 2012
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