We signed a lease!

I'm so excited. My boy and I are finally finally moving into a flat by ourselves. 

I can't wait. It's been such a long time coming. 

Our apartment: 

I can't wait for us to buy furniture, decorate, and have our own little place. 

Every night we come home to just the two of us, making dinner together, waking up with no one else in the house, having SEX whenever we want, wherever we want, as loud as we want. Eeek! 

"Whatever."~Said in my best 1995 Clueless voice.

For what seems like eternity ago, I was sitting in front of my laptop and I realized that I had lost my spark.  If you look back in my posts, you won't be able to find that realization, as I've removed it from my public blog. However, I did post about it.  It was upsetting and for the longest time, I thought that had defined me.

Sometimes, even I don't believe this. 

The other night PIB and I were laying in bed after a very serious conversation, he gave me a hug and said; at least your spark is back.  In that moment, I realized he hadn't known what my spark was to realize that that wasn't true.

Today I sit and think about what is my spark.  I've fought having it for so long.  Now that it's been missing for a year and a bit, I am desperate to have it back.  Maybe in a different form.  I want the force I didn't realize I had.  I want the drive and desire that led me to some of my greatest moments in life.

Although, as I sit here and really think about the person who gave me insight to this spark of mine, and I think of a conversation of a friend who has just met him.  "He's so vanilla."   Maybe I've never had spark.  Perhaps, my spumoni just never mixed with his vanilla.

I can't say I believe that wholeheartedly.  While he was very plain and boring (as well as intellectual and adventurous) he was insightful.  So with that, I need to figure out where my place is in the world.  I have finally, (after some serious nudging from my boy) decided what I will go to Uni for.  I believe, I will own my own business again.  I think regaining my spark will be tangled with settling down and having structure.  Although, at the same time, PIB is quite lazy and not motivational, I fear I will mesh with his personality and lose that side of me completely.  My fear of settling is quite grave.  As much as I love the boy with my entire being, my fear does define me at times.

I have realized that I can't make people see the world the way I see it.  I have to let go of things that I can't control.  This means changing who I am.  So instead of seeking out a similar minded person; I stay with someone because love them.  Today, I react to something that is so important to me by shutting down.  Walking away, crying silently, but not pushing.  Perhaps the old me with my spark would push.  I know the old me with spark would push.  The new me, just ignores.  Walks away from the situation in pure defiance.  Neither I suppose can be healthy.  I can't make someone want to give me something.  I just can't.  So, if you choose not to talk; then I'll respond in the manner I see I need to.  I've said this before, and I'll say it again; just because my response to a situation is different then an expectation, (or non expectation I assume in this case) then you can't be upset because it played out exactly as it should have.  So I'll shut down.  Stop showing so much excitement and keep my head down, moving forward. Its what you asked for without even knowing it.

In the meantime, I will keep my spark in the back of my mind for later review.

When to walk away?

In 1998, the best president we ever had was impeached due to some stupid moves on his part.  To take it one step further, the more he backed himself into a corner in his fear to protect himself, the less sense he made.  An infamous quote by said president was, "It depends upon what the meaning of the word 'is' is"?

Oh dear, question of the day.  How far do you fight stupidity before you've stooped to their level?  At what point do you look at the conversation, no matter how unemotional and/or logical it is, and just say, "Dear Lord, why am I having this conversation?"

It's easy to be caught up in someone else's drama.  With any relationship, regardless of the technicalities, we bring emotion to situations.  This emotion exacerbates the situation in one direction or another.  When should we step back and realize that perhaps we've lost the fight?  We, for whatever reason, can't be trusted to open our own mouth.  When to walk away.

Some recognize their fate; while others do everything they can to change it.

An offer is only as good as the follow through.

I've had this picture in my drafts for oh so long and I have been waiting for the perfect time to use it. I think this is the moment.   

I'm struggling at the moment with trying to understand what the universe is telling me. I think it's saying its time to leave here. I do love Australia - but the actual act of living here is taking a toll on me. As PIB supports me through this time, it's taking a toll on our relationship. And everyone in the house makes random off the wall comments about me not working. I'm over it. 

It's funny to me that people are only defined by the work they do. It makes sense, but seriously- I'm not choosing to be unemployed. Well- I guess in a sense I have in order to maintain this relationship however, it's sinking faster than I can blink an eye.  What little of the communication we do have is breaking down quickly. Short tempers and misunderstandings have brought us to this moment. 

Love isn't all you need. You need other things because at the end of the day, you can't count on others to make you happy. And that's all love is- happiness. I don't feel loved when we're fighting. Or loved when he's impatient. Or loved when I can't say anything without him jumping off the handle. 

I'm in a shitty mood. I recognize that. But at this moment in time- I'm severely depressed with my lack of options given to me by the DIAC.  I'm unsure of how long I can keep going at this rate. 

PIB has promised to take care of me. With those promises I made the changes to my life to move forward in this relationship.  When he's mad or upset its thrown in my face that I'm not working or that I don't even make him happy. That's stressful for me. Last weekend when we broke up is something I haven't recovered from. I still feel broken. Still feel as though we aren't whole. I can't fix it. I'm not that invested at the moment. I don't want to push through with this visa feeling this way. With that being the case; I need to leave Australia. As soon as I sell my blue car, ill pay off my credit card, take my black car back to the dealership and split. 

No one stays by your side for as long as they promise. It's just not possible. 

Dear Alec,

Hello, I'm not sure if we will ever meet.  It seems he tries very hard to keep his past in the past.  I've asked about his friends and loved ones from the time before me; but he doesn't want to open up.  Last week, I mentioned that we were coming to Sydney so we should meet.  He is more than reluctant.

You must know when he told me he was bisexual, it was a shock to my core.  While I've always supported same sex relationships, it hadn't directly affected me.  I know of his past mainly from what he's told me and I know a little about you, mainly from facebook stalking your profile.  I try and make a safe environment for him.  Try to let him know that I embrace his past, but he still doesn't let me in.

So I bypass him and go straight to you.  Part of myself wonders why its so important to write this to you but another part of me knows.   Even though he and I are in a monogamous relationship, I fight with my beliefs that he shouldn't want anyone else.  Along with the scared feelings that if he ever decides to head back to NSW that we will be in the vicinity of things he will miss.  I told him that if he  ever feels the need to have sex with a guy it should be with you and/or your partner.

He has told me of you and your partner and him.  This gives me some comfort that he won't leave me for either of you.  It also scares me if he ever was to spend time away from me with his friends from Sydney.  While I've spoken of my fears, it's different to tell another person of them.  I'm scared that he'll drink a lot and want to have sex with guys.  Mainly, if he's around someone he's slept with before, then it will be easier for him to be okay with a proposition.  He reassures me this isn't the case.  But cognitively, I know there are things I can't give him that as a guy he's attracted to can.

So here's what I need, I know its possible to love many people at the same time.  My own issues are having sex with more than one person at a time.  Seeing as I feel he does need that, I am working on my own to learn to accept this as something he will need in the future.  You're his past and I'm his future, but there isn't any reason we can't meet. 

I'm asking that you please only sleep with him when you know you have my permission.  When maybe we've all talked about it.  When I've had a chance to process this in my head and accept it.  So it doesn't feel like he's cheating on me.  This gives him a chance to have things he yearns for without me feeling like he's stealing something special from us.  This also allows me to trust you when he is on a guys weekend away from me.  He can then have fun on his guys weekend without me, literally, sick with worry about what specifically this guys weekend might entail.

I don't think he should cut you out of his life just because I'm here and maybe being a girl I don't necessarily understand your friendship.   I'm never happy cutting anyone out of my life, not for any other person.  While he seems perfectly happy to let your friendship slide away.  I can only assume it's friendship that you guys have and not just sex?  But then again I don't know. 

Either way, I go through moments in time where I am scared shitless that I won't be able to compete with his needs.  Or give him what he desires.  Thus, I have concluded I would rather him sleep with someone that I'm comfortable. 

So here is my olive branch and please work with me through my time of insecurities.  I can't wait to meet you.

I'm happily a waterfall.

Have you ever thought of yourself as a body of water?  No, I haven't either.  But an ex-fling described me as a waterfall once.  He said my energy would drain him and therefore, he could never see us together.  I was telling a mutual friend that this ex had found a new girl. I told this friend, i'm happy for the new couple as they are perfect for one another.   She is more like what he'd want, a pond.

calm.  placid. 

this friend said, oh tash-i'd never want to be described as a pond. 

me either kate.  me either.

Ha- Fuck you for not wanting to be a character in my story.

Damn you 801

I'm feeling like a useless sack lately.

We've submitted the application for my new visa.  Four grand out the door.  It makes me sick that I can't contribute financially.  Sinking the ship before we have a real chance to even see where we can go.  The boy hasn't said anything in regards to how he feels about it; although did mention, after I said I was stressed about it, that he was stressed.  I need to get back on my feet.  Letting him take care of me is the most unnatural thing in the entire world.

I need to be able to give 50% so its a shared life.

I've been such an awful girlfriend.

The first time the Boy told me he loved me I didn’t say it back.  I couldn’t.  I rolled the information: the words, the sound of his voice, the way I laid in his arms as he said it, running his fingers through my hair.  I know how difficult it was for him to tell me that.  I didn’t want to say it to him until I knew I meant it. 

Ever since then, I have doubted that he loved me.  I paid little attention to the fact he would show me in his own way.  I’ve been blind to something so obvious.  Completely right in front of me.   This weekend I realized that he does love me.   He applied what we were learning in therapy.  He persevered.  He tried several times, gave me my 1 hour…..okay 24 hours.  He broke down my walls and he didn’t even realize it.  He did all the right things.  ALL THE RIGHT THINGS!   It makes me happy.    I’m so thrilled.  I don’t know how to tell him.  I don’t know how to properly express how much I absolutely adore him.  

This is seriously the first time, maybe that I’ve noticed, but have really felt as though he pushed through for something he wanted.  Fought for me when I was hurting.  Waited for me, then came back when he felt I had some time.

Maybe I’m making it all up in my head.  But its okay.  I don’t mind.  Because I love my boy more than I have ever loved him.   It comes from out of nowhere; but I do love him more and more all the time.