Oh the things your girlfriend makes you do on holidays

We were such tourists - but in no way am I going to complain. It was amazing fun!

Firstly, always know where you parked your car.  Doesn't seem important until you get back and can't remember the level, lot, or parking spot.  I always take a photo so I don't have to think about it all weekend.

Cairns is very small.....but they have massive trunks....

It was so hot, but we had some fun outdoors.....

Port Douglas......

He had such a great time.  It makes me giggle to see him like he was.  It was so much fun.  Traveling with him will be good.  *Fingers crossed.

Pictures won't do the reef justice.  I'm sorry for failing.......

"Nice Noodle," said the boy.  haha  No babe, nice of you to notice it......

Massive huge fish!  Beautiful blue.  The photographer was a gem to get the tourists to pose with the fish!

The Butterfly Sanctuary was another thing on his to do list.  He enjoyed it.  Way more than myself.

I begged him, please take a picture of me!!

Now you!  I said.  hahaha - he's such a good sport.

Thankfully, he was too tired to resist anymore.......

He happily took the croc so I didn't have to.  He's so good to me.

Whiskey Distillery in Mount Uncle.  Rum, Gin, Vodka.  The dark rum was AHHH-MA-ZING!

These suckers are real. 

He is exactly the story I wanted to write

Its amazing to me how body language is often misread by others.  It doesn't help that my body language often betrays me.  I inadvertently respond incorrectly to the emotions I'm feeling.  For example, PIB and I were talking about when we first met and he had no idea that I liked him.  As I barely spoke to him and whenever I would leave, I'd give everyone a hug but him.  There was this time in the car that SRW and I were having a conversation and I was so uncomfortable, but when I said, don't you notice that I'm uncomfortable?  He replied no.  And I was having a conversation with Heather about Crispy's birthday party.  She said I seemed to fit right in and flow with the group with no problems.  When in fact, I was so out of place and wasn't really sure what to do with myself.  Its shocking to me how my brain reacts to things.  The irony of our argument yesterday was after reading the text message; I was so grateful to have found PIB.  To have him in my life and to be loving me.  I was overwhelmed with appreciation for him. 

I'm doing some research for my practice and ran across this blog posting: http://ginastherapyblog.wordpress.com/2013/04/27/kiss-it-goodbye-or-kiss-and-make-up/

Last night on the pier, PIB and I had a conversation; keep trying or walk away.  Sadly we've had this conversation about once a month or more since we've started dating.

Its been a rough seven months for both of us.  We both keep saying, "We can't keep doing this" and yet, nothing changes really.  Or maybe things do and we find new things to pull us apart.  I'm happy to announce though the issues at hand aren't all mine, whereas normally they are.  That's a breakthrough on my end.

http://girlsguideto.com/articles/15-ways-to-stay-married-for-15-years

Aside from the fact that we fight hard, we love hard.  We play hard.  This boy is good for me.  We laugh often.  We talk much.  We keep each other grounded.  We're honest with one another and most importantly, we let the other be who they are.

I was having a conversation with Amber last week about how things have changed in the last year.  Without invading her privacy too much, I'll just say that our conversation was about how much Graeme and herself have fallen in love.  More so then either could have imaged or thought.  And that kind of love makes my heart swell.  I adore the fact that against the odds and their own plans, they have stayed together during separation and time.  It shows that if you love someone enough, you can fight for them.  You can withstand the pain the other inflicts because to you; they are worth it.  TIs a true blue love story.  Our conversation wandered to the other night at the Banf film fest.  I was extremely hyper.  PIB had never seen me this hyper, ever.  And I said to Amber, how sad is that?  He hasn't seen me in my true form.  And she said, we've both settled.  Neither of us are as hyper anymore and maybe its a good sign of contentment and steadiness if you have subdued?  We've found what we were looking for and we don't need balls to the wall to make ourselves happy.  (I'm positive she didn't say balls to the wall; but you get the idea).  We're secure that the person who stands beside us will love us through our dark side and back.

With that thought, I realize when TWO told me that he knew the longer we stayed together the more he would burn from my flame, he didn't know anything about me.  But instead a defense mechanism of myself.  And that I never let my guard down with him.  He had no idea who I was.  And I'm happy that for once, after all this time, I'm able to stand completely bare in front of someone and have no fear of judgment, retribution or disgust.

PIB can read my emotions and my feelings as they are.  And for the most part, he doesn't take them personally.  He is such a great human being.  I'm blessed.  I know this.  He wants to be an active character in my story.


You are exactly what I need. 

Fire

Did she just end this post that way??

This is not really the mindset one should be blogging in.

I have just had a really shitty day and it hasn't come to a graceful end.  My neediness led me to texting the boy telling him that I wanted to talk to him, of which a phone call from him ensued, followed by me talking, asking questions and only getting grunts.  While I appreciate the call (which was immediately after the text and for this, I'm thrilled because I thought he wasn't going to be able to chat), I got my hopes up for a conversation, of which did not happen.  Damn expectations.

On top of that, a few weeks ago I sent a message to an ex telling him that I was done talking to him.  And yet, over the weekend he sent a text.  A nice text, and this is how I continue to get caught up in his bullshit, so I reply thank you.  He follows that up with a few text messages today and he is back to being his dick headed self that he has always been.  Its frustrating and upsetting.  For a number of reasons.  1. because I have high hopes that we can stay friends. (damn expectations)  That I can tell my boy no its okay, he's a decent guy and maybe even the two of you could hang out and 2. because i'm always wrong.  And I engage into a conversation with him that I end up feeling shitty about because he's a shitty person and then I feel worse, because I know I should have ignored him to save face with my boy.  And I feel like I'm keeping a secret that isn't really a secret because what am I to say, hey he sent me a message......hey he sent me a message again..........that would get incredibly old.

And as I'm thinking, I'm thinking about him as a person.

He was so secretive and my gut feelings, as usual, ended up being right about him.  So I'm thinking back about the secrets I uncovered about him.  And I guess I can't fathom where people who hold secrets come from.  Nathan did it.  It was bad.  Sammy did it.  It was bad.  Secrets from your partner is bad.

I'm out there.  So out there.  you know what I'm thinking and you know how I'm going to react.  I have never been on a dating site, not because I snub them, but because I haven't had the opportunity.  I freely admit that I watch porn and masturbate.  I love eating and while I have shame, I think I'm healthy enough to not worry about what others think.  These are all things people keep from others. 

I've had it all, mothers of friends not wanting me to hang out with their daughters, me being too much for particular people, and whatever.  I take my share of criticism.  Wholeheartedly.

And at the end of the day, I don't have secret e-mail accounts, I don't omit that I have (had) dating sites. Everyone knows that I watch porn.  Some people think I'm bisexual.  I have no secrets.  None.  Nothing.  I would tell you any question you asked me, with an open heart and open mind and with 100% honesty. 

I post most things here on this blog for fuck's sake.

I honestly don't know how I keep getting caught up with people who are comfortable with lying.  OR omitting the truth.  They don't think they're lying if they don't ever bring it up.  Ugh.  Its these types of memories, that I need to keep in the forefront of my brain to remember why I shouldn't talk to him.  And then I analyze that maybe this is a secret and look back at the messages and feel confident that the very few messages exchanged today aren't worth thinking about.  Then I think, well that's probably what secretive people think.

But there is a difference between engaging in a conversation with an ex and having an online dating profile that is still active or lying that you never watch porn.

I need to cut all people who lie to me out of my life.  Out.  They don't deserve the honesty I put on the table. 

Right?? Am I wrong about this?  Please someone justify a lie to your partner or a friend.  Is this something I see as black and white that should be fifty shades of grey?

To give and just be.

Recently I was accused of not really giving.  The argument was that if I were a true volunteer, my time is more precious now that I have a job, a business to run, and a social life to live.  Now is the time that I should be volunteering.  Not when I was "jobless." 

What that person obviously didn't know about me was that I was still volunteering my time with BZE all the way up until the week prior to this discussion. 

And at this point, I'm trying to let go of this conversation, but I can't help but to let it keep nagging me.  In the course of the "discussion" this person said, you do get something out of it.  You get to hang out with people, and laugh and socialize."

Even as I type this I understand how absurd this is.  Because, honestly, if that's what I'm getting in return to spending a shitton of money and time into an organization of which I am receiving nothing else, well them I'm a fucking idiot.  At the end of the day, shouldn't I be doing this at a bar?  Where I would have the added benefit of meeting the opposite sex and getting some alcohol? 

I just had an interview with a place for their practice manager.  I have discovered a couple of things about myself after this interview.

One of their questions happened to be the shitty, where do you see yourself in five years and  how do you achieve that?  I then, in true Tasha fashion, told them that this was a shitty question.  To which I followed up with: I don't have the answer you're looking for here.  I've been there where I could sit there and say, I want to be living in so and so place, married, with children.  But life has taught me that what we expect and what we get are two different thing.  In five years, I want to be content.   To achieve that I need to keep my brain active and healthy.  I need to learn and educate myself.  I need to expand my horizons and laugh and be merry.  I need to not get trapped into a box with a point of view that is solely my own.  I need to keep an open mind and never expect the expected.

I ended the interview feeling as though the one woman of the three people, did not like me at all.  Therefore, I can honestly say, that I gave living here a bit longer, as a paying resident, a good heartfelt, go.  At the end of the day, I can't be in control of everything.

Another thing that came up a lot in my interview is my volunteering experience.  It was the topic of discussion on several occasions, when in fact I could have been talking about my "Professional Accomplishments" I spoke about the ones that I did not receive monetary rewards for.  One of which I did not walk away with awards and best friends.

That's the thing, I guess, if I were looking to just laugh and have a good time, ultimately I could do that working and getting paid for someone.  I don't need to do it in a volunteer setting. 

I volunteer because I am blessed.  Because I want good things for others.  I volunteer because I genuinely believe that we should be using solar power and not coal or gas.  I volunteer because there are animals out there being euthanized when we could be desexing our animals.  (Spay and neutering for us Americans) I volunteer because I want to give back the goodness that I've been given.  To return into the world something that others are missing or haven't been as fortunate to receive.

And you know what?  I don't think I have to explain that to anyone.  I don't think I need to be sitting here or sitting over the last week thinking about that statement and trying to decide if I'm volunteering for selfish reasons.  I give so much back to the world, the community, my friends and family.  I don't need to spend one more second on the thoughts that you've planted into my mind.

I am who I am.  Love me or leave me.  I don't have time to think about what you're spewing. 

When the end comes

A small issue in life, I've found.  When something is cracked, you can try your damndest to push it back together again.  However, it may move closer together, but doesn't mean its fixed.  You can try glue, and cement, and close your eyes to pretend it isn't there, but at the end of the day, its cracked.

I have yet, to be able to see how this crack is fixed. 

I've been awake since 2 am, its now five, I'm anxiously awaiting to see if a gentleman I know is interested in investing in the practice.  The practice has a large crack in it.  Issues out of the ass.  Its pretty sad when I'd rather be here in Bundaberg working then thinking about Annen or Brisbane.  These problems can be fixed and I'm working all morning, noon and midnight to get them resolved.  But I just need some cash to keep the practice alive at the moment.  My divorce ruined my credit to no end.  I guess there is more than one way to fuck someone over isn't there?

The boy and I are broken.  Too much resentment in his memory.  The love we had has been lost.  He asked what causes our problems.  I know its me not talking and opening up.

I have the hardest time asking for what I need.  Its not meant so I can be a martyr.  Its more of my history of time and time again, me turning to people when I need them and being let down.  So now, I don't trust people to accept these responsibilities.  If I can't fix it, then I feel like it can't be fixed at all.

I am trying to formulate the words for this post.  But I'm exhausted, emotionally and physically.  I'm drained with .....::

This was a post I started April 8th. I never finished it. I sit here on my moms front porch listening to the birds chirp. Thy are different then the ones in Brisbane. They don't comfort me like the ones there to. The sounds and smells, while familiar,
Don't begin to satisfy my homesickness. As I continue to plan my return I will be less. Regardless of my mistakes I don't deserve the names I'm called. And at the end of the day; that's what rules my heartbreaking decision.

I'm told this is love: This is how you should keep a relationship together.

So before I publish this blog and before its completely formulated in my mind and typed on to the keypad, I want to say, this is where I get in trouble with my blogs and this is where my partners start to hate me for being public with our relationships.

I have been fairly kind to PIB in not revealing every argument/disagreement/hurtful words and such to my blog.  I'm half tempted to republish other posts just so one can see how brutally honest I can be with my raw feelings.

http://xkcd.com/767/

With all the disclaimer shit out of the way, I'd like to finally start my vent.

In an argument/disagreement, one way to make sure you keep communications open, and walls down, is to speak to your partner in a patronizing tone.  Now, I admit, when I'm feed up with bull shit answers like, "one way to solve us not arguing is to stay in this relationship and not talk to one another", I happen to change from my emotional hysterical voice, to my "teacher" voice.  Most know this as my professional manner.  I speak this way to employees, annoying children, or men of whom I've built a wall to protect myself emotionally from.

In an argument/disagreement, calling your partner a "bitch" is a fantastic way to get them to give you the hug you're so "desperately" seeking to end the argument/disagreement.

Constantly telling that person "fuck you" is one of the most encouraging ways you can allow for the acceptance of feedback, understanding, and two way communication.

I'm told that these are just words.  Said in a fleeting moment of emotion.  To that I reply; then how am I to trust that "I love you." How do I know these aren't just words, said in a fleeting moment of emotion.  The response: a hang up.  The next knee jerk response, (also encouraged to keep someone from walking out the door) is sarcasm, "yes, I love you are just words, and fuck you bitch isn't."

Nathan and I were always careful not to say things we didn't mean in an argument.  I'm sure that's why when I told him in a soft voice that he wasn't my soul mate at the end of an argument, it was a blow that he just couldn't handle. 

I see now that not everyone has those same values.  Not everyone feels that making sure you never belittle the one you love is top priority.  See, I may take a different tone, but the tone isn't a shrill, fuck you and a door slamming.  Its a no nonsense type of voice, that says are really doing this? Listen to yourself as we talking.  Do you hear what I hear?  That tone of voice isn't appreciated.  Ever.  But at the end of the fight, they don't ever remember the tone or the words.  Whereas, if you say, you're a fucking bitch to someone.  They kinda remember that for sometime.

A prior discussion maybe had in which its agreed that everything is 50/50 and yet, as soon as there is an argument, its all one person, lets say mines, fault.  That every action and reaction is 100% my fault.  In which, the other person refuses to acknowledge that they have any sort of influence in my emotions, mood, or "logic," ie emotional mind.

Heres a favorite of mine: ignoring a problem.  Remember: Just because you can ignore a problem for a while, it doesn't mean it will just go away, and it doesn't mean it's not your problem. Reality is, when you're in a partnership with someone, their problems are yours, and your problems are theirs.


http://xkcd.com/473/

I know I'm not perfect, my biggest downfall is leaving.  Literally, not threatening, but actually getting my bags packed and walking out.  If it weren't for PIB, our relationship would have ended about a week into itself.  A piece of advice I received: "No matter how long you have been together or married – you should also never threaten, waive, or speak of divorce or leaving unless you are really planning to do so. If you are about to scream in haste that you want to leave – you might want to make sure you have somewhere to go first. And if in the heat of an argument you want nothing more than for your spouse to take up residence elsewhere – it might feel good to scream “GET OUT” and slam the door. Unfortunately, that is a door that can be hard to reopen. Once you mention the divorce word – whether you meant it or not, it will linger forever in the head of your partner. Down the road, it will no doubt be thrown back up in your face many times."  How very true this is.  Sadly, the more times you argue, the easier it gets to leave.  This leads your partner to not fight as hard to keep you to stay and ultimately the crack that was a hairline split will end up being a crater.

So this brings me to my key point.  I've always said that actions speak louder than words.  So if you've defined who you are by not sending little text messages through out the day to remind the person you love you're thinking of them, or if you're not leaving them little notes to find under their pillow, or sending them a quick facebook message and you're just telling them that you love them whenever you're together or to say it back to them.  Then you really shouldn't be surprised when they take to heart the patronizing, sarcastic, disrespectful manner you speak to them when you're fighting.  And you shouldn't be shocked when you say, they're just words and that  little three word sentence isn't able to be swallowed happily.


So you say I love you differently than I do.  No judging.  No expectations.  Don't be shocked when you say you're a silly bitch and I take it to heart just as much as the words, I love you.

http://xkcd.com/1167/
Sometimes the only way to be happy is to accept a compromise you didn't see at first.

The problem is that your heart is so involved in your emotions that it is difficult to decipher what you feel at the moment and what you feel overall. Additionally, your history together makes it difficult to make a clear-cut separation from this fight and all the other ones that came before. This can lead to huge miscommunications between men and women. Consider that both of you probably have such an innate comfort level with one another that you automatically ASSUME you know what the other person really means or says! You don’t. If you spend your time reading into the words and phrases your spouse uses, you will end up hurt and more inclined to fight back as fiercely. These wounds, caused by words – cause a lot of pain and this pain, lasts for a long time to come.

I know the people of my blog argue and disagree with their loved ones.  Post a comment, to please give me insight.

There was an old lady who swallowed a tick; perhaps she'll die

Me: Oh, no! I swallowed a tick and I can feel it in my throat as its latching to my oesophagus.  Its going to suck all of my blood!

This was 3/4 of the way through our Easter hike this weekend. You think I was complaining the whole time, but you'd be surprised to know our hike was absolutely amazing.

Day one was a beautiful dry sunny day.  We started the morning both worried about how the other would do on this trip.  So much so that we almost cancelled the whole trip.  He was stressing that I'd be bitching and moaning the whole time.  I was stressing that he'd be pushy and mean.

We started the hike with a happy picture and a kiss, waited for the arguments that would eventually never come. 

We hiked hard, but casually.  We stopped to see waterfalls, smell the flowers and to bend me over a sign.....

The best part of the entire hike though was when we set down our packs, took off our shoes and took a walk in the creek.  The sun was shining with a bit of rain, causing a small rainbow.  I took my top off to let the girls bask in the glory of the fresh air and the outdoors. 

He had a tea.

I fell asleep. 

When I woke up, we took the time to watch the birds and creep on the bugs.  We saw a spider hanging from its web, lower itself to the water, and raise itself back again.

We saw a bird fly down and eat an insect mid flight.  One moment the bug was there, chancing another bug and then POOF! a bird swooped in an ate it.  We had to keep ducking our heads as this tiny bird kept flying toward our heads.  The bird then flew away, after eating the bug, right into the spider web, knocking the web and all of it contents into the water.

We saw the beautiful blue skies and I almost sat down on another big brown spider.

As we sat on the rock in the creek, he held me in his arms and I realized this is the life I want to live.

Me.  PIB.  The great outdoors.  Did I mention Me and PIB??  Relaxed.  Enjoying the beautiful environment that God has given us. 

As we continued our hike, we ascended a massive climb.

Two K's outside of our camp site we took a last second break.  As we rested, we found a praying mantis.  A fleeting thought of is this a female who is guilty of eating the head off her partner after sex or is this a male who has as of yet, to get laid.  The answer soon came to us as we watch the bug dig around in the dirt.  I said, I've never seen one do that and neither had PIB.  She started to lay eggs while we were there.  We stayed a bit longer because I wanted to watch her finish; however, PIB was ready to get moving and I was tired of her taking her time to pop these eggs out. 

Although, as I think about it, 1st a human baby, then turtles, now a praying mantis-I'm wondering if I've missed my calling as a gynocologist.

haha-kidding.

Camping that night was great!  PIB made us dinner on his camping stove and the rains came as slowly as the night ended.

The next morning when the sun rose, the ground was damp and the birds were chirping.   We had a quick breakfast and a tea and started out again.

As the leeches attacked; I started to come undone.  Freaking out about being eaten alive, ticks falling into my ears and causing me to be deaf and the slight touch of every blade of grass freaked me out.  How can a leech attach themselves so quickly ?  AND they were the smallest leeches you could imagine.  Getting a tick stuck in any hole of my body freaks me out to no end!  DAMN YOU DR. HOUSE.  (If you haven't seen the episode, then you need to watch it ASAP).

Anyway; needless to say, PIB was so good to me during this emotional mind set.  He laughed at my freaking out, reminding me to remain calm.  He didn't get annoyed with my prissiness.    And all the way to the end of the hike, when we were both just ready to be done, his knee sore, my ankle hurting from falling into a hole and yet, we walked out of there holding hands.

Holding. Hands.  A smile on our face and a teasing remark that we will soon be doing a three day hike......