Amazing

I'm reading fifty shades of grey and I can relate to the girl completely. Not at all with the sex it has in the book; but her feelings and her emotions.

It's shocking to me.

Except- why are you so filled with self doubt? It never ceases to amaze me. You're such a strong self contained young woman but you have such negative thoughts about yourself. If I hadn't wanted you to meet them; you wouldn't had been there.

Self doubt is shitty. But I can't help it. I see cues that you don't realize you're dropping. And maybe they aren't cues. And maybe you're not doing it on purpose. So you can't change what I see or how I feel.

It doesn't matter.

Tasha Ace
Sent from my iPhone
"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."

Nope. Don't miss you.

Witta away

Rolling stones is playing, the voices of 8 girls giggly in the hustle and bustle of the kitchen.

The aroma of baked pumpkin and onion fills the air. The warmth of the oven makes the house a cozy warm.

I can't get no satisfaction. I try. And I try. I can't get no. All of the girls just shout in sing songy voices.

Today we spent the day eating. Leafy greens from the garden. Kangaroo steaks and olives. Tea and reading is how we spent our morning. About 1 this Arvo Amiee started banging on the congo drum and Kate and I started our African dancing.

White wine fills my mouth with the left over taste of white chocolate. Kate is showing girls her baby photos and the squeals are so cute to hear.

Aimee's laugh comes from the kitchen and I hear the girls pour more gin and tonic.

As people started to arrive we changed into our bathing suits (aka togs) and headed in to the freezing creek. Mushy dirt and hard unstable rocks beneath our feet made us giggle as we tepidly tip toed deeper and deeper. Dirt squished between our toes making us squeal. Grabbing onto each other we trudge deeper and deeper.

Nuts, breads, and dips. We snack all day. Kate pulls the gin out about 4 pm and we crack open the wines.

As we individually start to cook the food we brought, we all move around each other in the tiny kitchen. Jokes and giggles continue. There are no plans, no directions, no one in charge. We just work around each other helping one another with chopping, shredding, and stirring.

Kate leaves to walk the dog and some of the girls go with her. This gives us moving room in the kitchen. Aimee tells me how to cook her food. Kate comes back to start her pumpkin soup. And teases me about my 'cooking' skills.

We have eaten all the food we've cooked so right now while the girls are setting the table, there isn't much food left. It's rather quite cute.

Aimee Griff and I went star gazing. Aimee found the north star by pointing to the ground beneath us. The milky way is amazing. The stars so bright. We could see mars. And it's orbit with the star gaze app we used to cheat to see the constellations. Boys don't spend the time with me outside gazing at the stars I told Aimee.

It's 8 pm and the girls are talking about how sleepy they are.

Aimee and I were talking last night about how Australia doesn't have a sense of community. Sitting here with strangers to both sides of me, I feel the sense of community that most of the world is missing.

The fire is full blaze and the wood smell makes it seem like a home.

Off here to join the girls who have joined me from the kitchen.

Xoxoxoxox

I'm a good girl.

I don't feel so bad

Aaaahhhhh.

Here I am. Feeling like I'm sitting on the back patio of the house Nathan and I bought. The birds are chirping. I hear the running water of the creek. I look up and it looks like my back yard. Pine trees and birds all around. Music playing Softly.

Letting go is a natural part of life. Its always so very hard for me. I had an interesting conversation today with the girls. Kate was asking me questions abut TWO. I answered them and we got to talking about what Aimee and I were talking about the night before.

Australian men and their difficultly in expressing themselves. And how they think they are, but they really aren't. Not in the eyes of the girls they are trying to communicate to anyway.

I read the controversial text outloud and immediately Aimee says. "aggressive brutal force??!" I looked up shocked that she picked up the exact same thing I did. And said, yes! All excited (you know how I get, jumping up and down).

In the end, the conclusion was he was trying to be sweet (thank you) but due to his nationality has a difficult time communicating what is to be said.

Kate said I was right to call him out. I wasn't looking for an apology (although it was much appreciated).

Next the offense of you pushing me on to the trainer actually came from the text before hand that said, oh you like your trainers don't you. That is where the implication of sleeping with MT came in. That is why it pissed me off.

I gather that maybe Kate and TWO attempted a relationship, but she wasn't interested. I may completely be off the mark, but I doubt it. It has been a gut instinct since I first saw them at the German club.

Either way, my weekend here at witta promises to be much like my girls camping weekend from last year. Ironically enough, Aimee had surgery yesterday and it should be the last one needed for her shoulder!! Xoxo.

So, off to more reading, skateboarding, salamander hunting, platypuses spotting, and fresh air in taking!!!


Xoxo

Open your eyes

I saw this as a tattoo recently on a girls wrist. I couldn't help but think she was struggling with something.

I see it this way because I am constantly telling myself to be open minded about things. And for the most part, whether it's religion or politics or matters of someone else's heart I can see outside the box.

But when it's me, I can for some god forsaken reason only see it one way. Then it offends people when I say please explain this.

Jenn has done this. She said you only read 1/2 way through your emails and skim the rest and then reply. You miss important things. So today she sent me an email. It said I registered for the mental health day and Something else. I can't remember now. So I responded to the something else and sent a second email making note that I saw she registered for the mental health fair.

I guess the simple acknowledgement is enough to keep her satisfied that yea, I hear what youre saying and I'm pleased with your actions.

Hmmmm- let me type that again. A simple acknowledgement is enough to please her. I hear what youre saying and I'm pleased with your actions.

It doesn't hurt me to tell Jenn how I'm feeling. And. AND. It makes her happy.

So- its not a lose/lose situation.

JENN. Thank. You.


Xoxoxoxo

All my life

As a small kid, my best friend and I loved getting this authors books from the library. This is the first time I've seen this book. When in the store, I skipped to the end and read it. I almost cried.

All of my male relationships except one, HHBL, I have been this tree. And I'm tired of it. Yet, as the book explains, she's happy. But then feels sad. I don't want this. The cover of the books says- 'offers an affectionate interpretation of the gift of giving and a serene acceptance of another's capacity to love in return'

But I don't want a love like this. I simply don't. Ive had it and like the tree, you're left with nothing to give.

Love should be something that grows and is nurturing and as two become one to balance each other and create
New lives and souls. Each having a piece of the puzzle. Each contributing in their own individual way to a relationship that changes with those involved.

This Mr. Silverstein is not real love.

I love being a girl!

I love pink. I love dresses. I love dressing up. I love boys. I love love love wearing heels and sexy lingerie. sometimes together ;-)

I love getting my hair done and my nails and toes done.

Being a girl is awesome!!

~We grow breasts
~we never have to worry about getting it up
~We get to paint our nails.
~spend hours getting our hair done to look beautiful and sexy
~We have beautiful attractive bodies and body parts; legs, shoulders, back
~We get to wear thongs!
~we can be turned on without anyone knowing....
~taking care of ourselves is considered hot, not disturbing.....
~we get to play with our nipples and have multiple orgasms... Back to back...
~we get to rock beautiful jewelry and kick ass shoes
~ our dresses can be short and fun and frilly!!
~we carry the most amazing hand bags!
~we get to wear perfume and smell sensual (coco mademoiselle- chanel, for me thanks)
~ we can cry
~kiss other girls
~flirt flirt flirt!!
~we get to wear wedding gowns!
~wear make up
~Spend hours shopping
~get flowers
~ understand others
~totally own sex and have it be hot
~ have someone buy you dinner and a movie.
~making eye contact with that hot guy across the room, knowing he thinks you're cute so you throw him a smile.
~not realizing when, why or how you turn him on.
~we get to dance!! And we're good at it!

Fucking hell!!! I love being a girl!!!!


Xoxoxoxox

<3

Fuck. This hits home. ;-)

Sex with an ex?

I'm debating.

Rach always said

One of my best friends, Rachel and I were talking long ago about boys. This is a usual topic with me and friends. I have always, as long as I can remember, have been boy crazy. My first boyfriend in kindy was named Daniel. I dont remember much about him except for some reason he lived with his grandparents and he was tall. And he liked this red shirt he wore all the time. My mom and his grandparents let is hang out after school and I was so cool.

It's pretty safe to say that my first kiss wasn't until a few years later with my childhood bestie, Benjamin. Who moved away when we were in second grade. I always pictured a Dawson's Creek relationship with that boy and was disappointed when he had to move.

Last night Dragan called me. He said he misses me. Very boyish he was last night. He said to me, when we met you said this would only last a few weeks. Here we are five months later babe and we're still talking.

He's right. I completely thought we'd move our own separate ways like people do. I don't know why we haven't to be honest, but I'm glad.

Rach always told me that boys know what we're feeling and when to step in. Every time I'm single Dragan pops up. Not in a strong overbearing way. Just reappears. Like he's never been gone. He doesn't know I'm single. We've never been Facebook friends. And I'm not calling him to say hey, I'm single! Let's chat!

I wonder where we are headed. It's interesting to me the people who stick around in my life sometimes.

"well your mama kept you but your daddy left you
And I should have done you just the same
But I came to love you
Any old time you keep me waiting
Waiting waiting"


Off to MY LAST DAY OF WORK!!!!!!!


Xoxoxoxox

Thought is the first level of creation

Next comes word.
Everything you say is a thought expressed.
Next comes action.
Actions are words moving. Words are thoughts expressed. Thoughts are ideas formed. Ideas are energies come together.

~conversations with god.

You create your own spirit I'm told. But I have long disagreed. I think we create who we are by our interactions and our experiences.

Yesterday, as per my personal blog, you'd know that my morning didn't start off the best of ways. But literally by 8am my thoughts had changed.

I had an excellent conversation with my sister. I'm so pleased at her progress. She is such a good person. She tries. And she tries very hard. Her life is coming together so nicely. I'm happy for her.

Over the weekend Mel and I went shopping in this cute jewelry store and spent way too much money there. I got my sister and I pac man necklaces and earrings. It reminds me of my dad and sister. I can't wait to send them to her.

I also bought a ring that says hope.

We easily lose sight of things. For whatever reason we have the ability to forget important things all too easily. I don't think there is a way to stop it. We just must be cognizant. And never lose hope that we will be what we are meant to be.

I know I've blogged this before, and since now I'm running two, I have a difficult time remembering if I've posted things to this one or the other one, but which is more important? The things we remember or the things we forget? (it is not a question of learning, but of remembering)

I'm coming together quite nicely actually. Dragan asked me to move to Sydney with him. I had to politely decline once again. That boy apparently will never give up. But he is such a great friend. I'll never forget how we met and I love seeing him when I'm in Sydney. He has changed a bit. Grown up maybe? I'm not sure what it is. But it's good. And Luke asked me to go to the sunshine coast next week. At first, I said okay, but then thought, wait, if it's when I'm going to the farm, I don't want to rearrange that. I'm not rearranging for boys anymore. So if when we talk tonight it's during the week, I don't see any problems. He said we can go wake boarding!!! I'm pretty psyched about that. I've never been and it's on my bucket list.

Either way, Ive plans for myself. And like Jenn posted, I'm done trying to make everyone happy. Ive to focus on me. And this means farming for a bit.

Speaking of farming, I bought some clothes at the salvation army yesterday. I'm pretty excited about this experience. I have looked up their programs and read every page of their website . Its going to be so much fun!! It reminds me of camping at WLD Ranch. Where at 15, I met some fantastic lifelong friends, including Sara, Priscilla, and Webster.

I start working with BZE on Monday. Excitement abounds!!! I'm literally giggly with excitement. I could hug everyone i see.

Say tuned for those adventures.

I'll end with this:

Have you ever seen anything more perfect than a snowflake? It's intricacy, it's design, it's symmetry, it's conformity to itself and originality from all else- all are a mystery. You wonder at all the miracle of this awesome display of nature. Yet if I can do this with a single snowflake, what do you think I can do - have done- with the universe.

I know I'm destined for other things then I've imagined. And no matter how many times I stumble around, fall, and wander- I'll end up exactly where I'm meant to be. I will have conformity with myself and above all else, I will stay original.

Xoxoxoxo

It's great if you're really kinky

 

Yoga is excellent for un-kinking the muscles and the spine.  


A young woman who was worried about her habit of biting her fingernails 
down to the quick was advised by a friend to take up yoga.  She did, and soon 
her fingernails were growing normally.  Her friend asked her if yoga had 
totally cured her nervousness.  "No," she replied, "but now I can reach 
my toe-nails so I bite them instead."

Today, I tried yoga for the first time. At first my mind was racing, as usual. It took about 3.46 seconds for me to correct that issue.

I stopped thinking about boys and what I might look like. I stopped thinking about who was around and what I was doing tomorrow.

After my morning, see my personal blog, I needed to stop thinking.

Best thing though? I spoke to my sister and it seemed my world aligned.

I was relaxed starting my day. Happy even. This is the first time in my life. I can't explain it though. It doesn't make sense.

Anyway, yoga was tough, yet relaxing. I really liked it. It is now my Tuesday activity.

I was feeling so good about my day, I told the optometrist honestly why I quit. I told him he made me uncomfortable with his remarks.

It could be my realization from last night that has calmed my soul. I don't honestly know.

Either way, it was a great day. I bought some farm clothes today. Used clothes that I can dispose of when I'm done volunteering.

I can't wait to start volunteering.

I have to head to bed though. I'm exhausted.

Although, I'd like to say I heard from Dragan today. I was a bit surprised, but happy. He sounded run down. School and work are draining him. I feel for him. Xoxo

It's amazing to me

How two people can look at the exact same thing and each see something completely different.

As time goes by, I'll realize that he isn't for me. That I haven't found my one yet. I want to leave here because maybe I won't find my one here in Brisbane. But I feel like I've found a place to call home. So for now this is where I'll stay. But only until my soul becomes restless again. Yearning for that person who adds that extra bit of something.

One plus one doesn't equal a single unit of two. One plus one equals both.

Don't say I'm worth it

Halls gap/grampians

This is what kangaroos do

Yep

M. E.

This is the key

I have discovered

Our journey as human beings is not about following a pre ordained path, but about creating that path. Life rarely makes anymore sense when things are done 'in order'. Life makes sense when we are centered in our hearts and we let go of resisting how our unique journey needs to unfold in its own beautiful unruly way.

Xoxox

Tasha Ace
Sent from my iPhone
"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."

Not anymore

I've closed my eyes and crossed my fingers

Is this all it takes?

So I'm a two

And I'm not wanting to change. It doesn't hurt anyone.

I miss this right now.

I'm laying here on a hot night, a cool breeze comes through the window. I can hear to sounds of the cars outside, the neighbors television blaring and the far away screams of a baby.

I'm thinking of you. You walking toward me from across the room. Your eyes say it all. You come closer and I can clearly see what you want from me. My breathing slows down, making my chest move up.....down......up......down.

You crawl on to the bed, hand on my ankle, sliding up my leg, over my knee, between my thighs. You keep eye contact with me as I arch my back. My body tingling with want and need.

You kiss my lips softly, moving your hand up my lacie thong. I'm thrilled I only shop Victoria's secret. Your other hand moves swiftly, with authority up my shirt. Your kisses become deeper, harder, needy.

I run my fingers through your hair, arching my back. My hard nipples are begging to be free. You unlock my bra, slip both that and my shirt over my head, the cool night air gives me goose bumps.

A moan escapes my lips.

Your eyes never leave mine as you raise my hips to slip the rest of my clothes off.

You kiss my neck, my collar bone, down my chest. You taste my belly, and my thigh.

My hands are all over your thin shoulders. You can sense my needs. You spread my legs apart and wrap your arms around my arched back.

I want this. I want us. You raise my hips so you can enter me. There isn't any turning back. You hear my breathing change and you are like jelly in this moment.

We answer to no one. Have no restrictions. No boundaries.

Slowly you and I become one.

Xoxo

Yes.

So very seriously true

No looking back

One week left to work for the optometrist. I can't wait to be done. I don't know where I'll be at the end of next week (well, technically I have a trip with Kate that weekend, hours to put into at BZE and then some time at wild mountains) but for the long term, I have no idea where I'll be.

At the end of the day, I'm happy with my choice. I'm happy with me. And I'm excited at possibilities. They are endless.

It's so simple really

I just want a boy who jumps in the moment.
Who goes weak in the knees when we make eye contact.
Who is spontaneous and lively and throws caution to the wind.

Yes please

Dear you

Please be patient while I pull away. You know I'll be back. But at this moment it's not hurting either of us for me to withdraw.

Deleting you from Facebook isn't offensive. You have my number and my email and I have yours. We can still contact one another if we both want. We also both know it's not like Facebook said how you were doing.

If you and I wanted to let each other know something, we had to take the time to text/call anyway.

So you do your thing. Let me heal.

I know if we do come across one another again our roles will be different in one another's lives. Let me process that. Because the loss of what we had is really painful.

He said one thing

'you're not worth it'

But acted differently. I should have listened when he sent this apology.

Thanks Maria!! Xo

Shocked to realize

This will happen to all that is good

I <3 the notebook

A single sunflower

- Hermann Hesse

For me, trees have always been the most penetrating preachers. I revere them when they live in tribes and families, in forests and groves. And even more I revere them when they stand alone. They are like lonely persons. Not like hermits who have stolen away out of some weakness, but like great, solitary men, like Beethoven and Nietzsche. In their highest boughs the world rustles, their roots rest in infinity; but they do not lose themselves there, they struggle with all the force of their lives for one thing only: to fulfil themselves according to their own laws, to build up their own form, to represent themselves. Nothing is holier, nothing is more exemplary than a beautiful, strong tree. When a tree is cut down and reveals its naked death-wound to the sun, one can read its whole history in the luminous, inscribed disk of its trunk: in the rings of its years, its scars, all the struggle, all the suffering, all the sickness, all the happiness and prosperity stand truly written, the narrow years and the luxurious years, the attacks withstood, the storms endured. And every young farmboy knows that the hardest and noblest wood has the narrowest rings, that high on the mountains and in continuing danger the most indestructible, the strongest, the ideal trees grow.

Trees are sanctuaries. Whoever knows how to speak to them, whoever knows how to listen to them, can learn the truth. They do not preach learning and precepts, they preach, undeterred by particulars, the ancient law of life.

A tree says: A kernel is hidden in me, a spark, a thought, I am life from eternal life. The attempt and the risk that the eternal mother took with me is unique, unique the form and veins of my skin, unique the smallest play of leaves in my branches and the smallest scar on my bark. I was made to form and reveal the eternal in my smallest special detail.

A tree says: My strength is trust. I know nothing about my fathers, I know nothing about the thousand children that every year spring out of me. I live out the secret of my seed to the very end, and I care for nothing else. I trust that God is in me. I trust that my labor is holy. Out of this trust I live.

When we are stricken and cannot bear our lives any longer, then a tree has something to say to us: Be still! Be still! Look at me! Life is not easy, life is not difficult. Those are childish thoughts. Let God speak within you, and your thoughts will grow silent. You are anxious because your path leads away from mother and home. But every step and every day lead you back again to the mother. Home is neither here nor there. Home is within you, or home is nowhere at all.

A longing to wander tears my heart when I hear trees rustling in the wind at evening. If one listens to them silently for a long time, this longing reveals its kernel, its meaning. It is not so much a matter of escaping from one’s suffering, though it may seem to be so. It is a longing for home, for a memory of the mother, for new metaphors for life. It leads home. Every path leads homeward, every step is birth, every step is death, every grave is mother.

So the tree rustles in the evening, when we stand uneasy before our own childish thoughts: Trees have long thoughts, long-breathing and restful, just as they have longer lives than ours. They are wiser than we are, as long as we do not listen to them. But when we have learned how to listen to trees, then the brevity and the quickness and the childlike hastiness of our thoughts achieve an incomparable joy. Whoever has learned how to listen to trees no longer wants to be a tree. He wants to be nothing except what he is. That is home. That is happiness.

It's really this simple

Good morning sunshine!

A wise girl

I'm exhausted.

It's close to midnight I'm laying here with a very full heart.

I don't think I've taken the time, in this blog, to recognize the amazing people in my life.

It never ceases to amaze me the amount of people who have the most precious souls. every moment of every day I am blessed with one interaction every hour at least of someone who has this type of soul.

I'm sitting here taking a moment, closing my eyes, and smiling at the beautiful people I've met.

Today rock climbing with amber.

African dancing with Kate and Aimee.

Slack line walking with Di.

House party with Aimee and Kate.

I keep stumbling into amazing experiences. It's humbling to know such people.

Tonight Kate invited me to go away next weekend. Funny. She can do it without a moments hesitation. I love this girl.

How is it that people are so inviting? So warm and welcoming? I can't honestly wrap my head around life. I love every second I'm given. And take time to recognize this gift.

We never know how long we are here for, we should never take it for granted.

Xoxo

I plead the 5th

"under all this push your comfort zones, I'm a big girl, let me do it myself, I don't need help, I've got this. I see a scared and anxious girl."

Silence

"well? Am I wrong? You're a scared little girl under all that mess aren't you?"

Greg told me to write a list of wants:

I want to think someone is great. I want to make up nicknames for someone and use them mercilessly. I want a history. I want shared memories. I want to read the paper together on a lazy Sunday morning. I want good sex, often. I want kisses and hugs and cuddles. The smell of close up skin. I want arguments of politics and tv shows. I want my beliefs challenged. I want someone who can look at me in my night shirt and be turned on.

I want to hold someone's hand and kiss their fingers individually. I want to rub their neck in the car while we're taking a drive. I want a glance that shares a secret. I want to keep someone warm on a cold afternoon while strolling through the park. I want someone to race me to the top of the stairs and collapse in giggles and kisses.

I want to laugh at someone's stupid jokes. I want to adore someone. I want someone to look at me in that way. I want to hide notes all through the apartment for them to find. Put notes in the lunch I pack. Make them breakfast in bed.

I want to give massages in the shower. And be led from a party for a quicky. I want someone to look at me with a sparkle in their eye and a smile on their lips.

I want to hug someone who comes home from a shitty day of work. I want to make dinner to the best of my ability. I want to give a foot rub on a shit day. I want a dance parter, a musical parter, and a star gazing partner.

I want to like and respect someone for their beliefs, and personality, and their aspirations.

I want to build a bridge from the past to the present.

I may just want it all......

Starting.........................

West end park

Denial is the best remedy

That may be the answer to my post from last night.

Today I met with Jenn and we discussed the office. But the whole time I wanted to talk abut erion. I wanted to ask and see pictures. Videos. Anything.

Finally when we get to the end, Jenn said so you want to know about your dog? Sh e is telling me stories and I start to cry. I can't help it. I'm fine when I don't think about her. I miss her so much.

I'm crying as I type this. Fuck. Breathe. Beause then I feel the need to get this visa sorted so I can be happy with her here. And that makes me anxious and stressed.

So I will deny myself thoughts of erion. I will only think of this moment. I'm going to head to the markets. After that I've got a date with a bridge and a skateboard!

Xoxo

If I would write him in?

Why wouldn't he do the same? Does this mean he's not the one?

Oh you lovely girl. I have no answers for you. My heart goes out to you. I can't tell you to stay or go. I feel awful I couldn't be more then an ear tonight.

I know you feel deeply for him. I know it seems he isn't on the same page. My advice is to run. But I can't be objective. Because I stayed as long as I could.

Should you avoid something so you don't feel pain?? Perhaps but then are you truly living?

Xoxo

Purple is green with envy.

It amazes me when I do something well. It happens so rarely

Working for the optometrist, who slightly reminds me of the psychologist I used to work for, has been easy as hell.

Amber tells me I need to stick it out to ensure my visa..... Ummmmmmmmm, probably not.

The main challenge I have though is getting better at Rock climbing. Currently, everyone is a shit ton better than myself. I've a bit of catching up to do......

Sean, I fear, gets annoyed with me.....we'll see how that goes.

But I wouldn't change my life right now. The ups and the downs. The people who come and go. I just had a really nice chat with one of the guys from the house share I didn't accept. I've only spoken to him a few times. So his messaging was quite surprising. He seems like he is such a great guy. It's a shame too. I can sense his Frustration with his current situation but like me, he feels the need to stay the course.

The best thing I ever did for myself was leave Nathan. The best thing I ever did for Nathan was leave Nathan.

He would have to agree now if you spoke to him. I'm sure.

It never ceases to amaze me how friendly people are. Honest to god. I love how people will just come up and talk to me. I'm sitting here at lock and loaded a restaurant in Brisbane. One of the first places I ever ate when Greg and I were here. I loved their gnocchi here, sadly, they changed the menu and it isn't the same kind. Ah- disappointment abounds....that is what I had my heart set on. I'm in the back where its outside. It's fall here and the weather is beautiful. I'm wearing a very thin silk top that I purchased at a market last weekend. It's a baby blue with soft pink accents. There are people all around. Some talking, one man in pink looks to be bored out of his mind sitting waiting for his wife.

West end is very ecclectic. It has a range of people. It seems it was once very hippy and is quickly moving into the yuppy lifestyle. Although the hippies are giving the yuppies a run for their money.

A guy from across the way has spotted me by myself and had the waiter send over a very very good glass of wine. A nod should thank him easily.

I received a compliment on my blog by Bob. I was a bit shocked he had said he read it, but funny yet that he said anything to me. Flattering. He is such a good soul. He'd fit well into west end. Very him. Slow. Soft. Kind. He is so low maintance. I love it.

I need to mend Jenn. I have to fix her worries and her frustrations. I need to be more attentive to her. She is a very important person in my life. I'll work my ass on getting it right with her.

I quit the job today. It was nice having money easily deposited into this oz account though. Sad it won't be happening again. Oh well, I feel freer.

I have a lot of things lined up though so I'm hopeful for that. I'm resigned to the fact I'll be heading home in 7 months. So I'll live up what I've got. Ill head out to travel soon enough. Maybe not this moment. But soon. I'm antsy to do it.

Well dinner will be here shortly and then out with amber and the miner I met this week.

Ps- I found a place to stay. Makes me happy to have done so. Fits into my current lifestyle too.

Xoxoxoxo

I just don't know

'thinking is hard. Making valid judgements is difficult. It places you at pure creation, because there are so many times you'll have to say, "I don't know. I just don't know." yet, you'll still need to decide. And so you'll have to choose. ' page 154 conversations with god

Do I stay. Do I go.

Talking to Dan last night he said well you said you wanted this and this and this. I said, yeah. He said, well it seems you've got it all.

It is so easy for me to only see black and white in situations. You'd know this from my last blog. People have to show me that things are okay to be mixed up. It's okay to have the same thing a different way. My brain doesn't comprehend unless it's shown.

That is why I have to bounce things off people. My instinct is to see something and go with it. If it doesn't work, okay, turn this way and try again. Doesn't work, turn and try again.

I have been massively impulsive my entire life. It has only been in the last two years where I have tried to change that. But honestly, I'm not seeing where thinking about things is getting me. I'm more stressed and more worried about stupid shit then ever before.

So by being cognizant of my actions, am I being me? It doesn't seem like its working all that well. I hate this worry. I hate this feeling of not knowing. Before it wasnt a big deal because I never thought about it. I never thought more then a moment ahead.

Am I maturing? Or am I trying to please others with this change? Although I can look back and see where impulsivity has not been a good idea.

I guess I will have to keep thinking about this.....as always, you're welcome to post comments or as you normally do,send me a private message via Facebook. I do always enjoy your feed back!


Xoxoxox

Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsch

Most of those I love know my struggles with my belief in God.

I have just completed the book of my title and I have to say, I have a new found respect for God and what affect that takes on my life.

It is everything I have been struggling with as a whole. With life and energy and sex. I must say, I have this peace. This ease that allows me to breathe. I don't know where I'm going or why, but I do know either way, I'm in control of what happens and if I keep being me then it's all going to work out.

I have faith. In me. In God. In my future.

I'll keep you posted on how it all turns out. Because you know what? If this is my life down under, you'd like it to be a bit more exciting wouldnt you??

;-)

Xoxo

Convos with God

I keep trying.....

And every time I realize I don't enjoy tomatoes.

I have never liked cherry tomatoes. Or the seed part in the tomoato. But I keep hoping I'm going to enjoy them the next time I eat them. I like the nice firm ones. The look of them, not the taste. They look so good.

I dont mind them in sandwiches. If they are there when I'm given it. If I order it on my own, I have a tendency to not order them. Every once in a while I will say, oh, add them. They're healthy for you. I want to like them.

It's like my asparagus . It took me two years to talk myself into trying them. I didn't want to be disappointed. I wanted to like them. I do. Ish. I have to remind myself when I eat them. You like this. You like this. Same with advocado and cottage cheese.

It's the same with sauces. I won't add it when I'm making it or ordering it myself. But if it's there, I can talk myself into eating it.

Oh dear, a day in the life of me.....


Xoxoxo

Thank you boy xoxo

I want you to feel what I feel.

I want to take this post into so many different directions.

At this present moment I Am feeling overwhelmed that once again I have placed good expectations on something to not have these expectations met.

I am also feeling blessed. this makes me happy.

Haha- how is it I have the two things? Who knows.

I need to get ahold of immigration as soon as possible. I'm not sure what direction my life here in oz is going to take. I flip with the blink of an eye to wanting to get back to my comfort zone (the states) and wanting to forge this unruly path.

Suck up this barely bearable job for my very expensive citizenship? Which for the same price, I could study. Seems like a much better way to spend my money.

Shit my battery is dying. Okay so I have a mixture of emotions flowing through me. No one local here to give me a hug.

I have never resented the fact that Nathan took money from me until this very moment when I see that if I had all the money in the world, it could buy me exactly what I want.

However, would I appreciate what I want as much? I'd like to think so,but I guess I'll never know.

At the end of the day, I'm still grateful for this experience to travel and meet new people so if my visa expires and i have to return home, then I'm thrilled I've met the beloved people I have had the chance to cross paths with.

I hope everyone gets to feel these feelings of life. It's a winding path. It's so unknown. Its scary as hell. And I'm not fearless when looking it in the face. I'm petrified. Especially being alone.

I'm growing up. Finally. Geez. ;-)

But at the end of the day,I'm happy. Stressed. But happy. Woah. Is this me being calm???????
Xoxoxo

Oh dear Lord

Please someone tell me what I'm doing?

I started this job today and it's not where I want to be. What a waste of time. The people are lovely. The job is easy. Mundane. I want a challenge. If your hearts not in it, your head can't follow.

It's only day one. Stick this out for three months? Hmmmmmmm............ I'll have to let you know.

Xoxoxoxo

Sometimes

An early morning text is all a girl needs to make her day. Xoxoxox

It's the little things that matter most.

Take my hand, come follow my heart

Options options options.

Do you like my iPad cover?
Yeah. It's very you. Girly. But not overly. It's cute.

I can afford to not work and do volunteer work full time. Beyond zero emissions has agreed to look into sponsoring me. But it wouldn't be for a paid position at the moment. I have no doubt that it would turn into one. But when is a different question. I could find a nice apartment for a cheap amount and just work my ass off volunteering for them.

Or. I could take this job working with the optometrist. Who has already agreed to sponsor me. It would be bringing in money (always a plus) but it would restrict my flexibility. I would be working normal 8-5 hours. I would be following the structures and guidelines of someone else. potentially Several others.

I'm using the city cat to head back to south bank. I feel like a real citizen. Haha.

The job would mean more travel expenses because I'd be buying a car and have the fuel and insurance and inspection and registration. And all the fun shit I haven't worried about ever.

I'm not excited about starting this job. I'm wanting to get started on this volunteer work though. I will do that today actually.

Ahhhh- so many options. I don't want to committ to any. And I don't want to close any either. Story of my life. Fuck me.

It's good though. God winks all the time on me. I know it. And I appreciate it. I think he enjoys doing it so he can stay amused. ;-)

Amber and I have just made plans to meet up tonight. Can't wait. Alright, I guess I've got some more over thinking to do.....


Xoxoxoxox

Don't. Just don't.

Tragic romantic?

No. I just don't know what else it looks like. I don't know how it is to feel. I see it. But can't get a grasp on it.

At the end of the day, I don't care where I live. I don't care what kind of car I drive. I don't care if I'm decked out in Gucci. I just want to be a good person. An honest, hard working, appreciative, loved person. When I say I am looking for me, this is what I'm seeking. Patience, understanding, a good heart, a good nature, a warm soul. With these things I will be worth something. I'll have something to offer. I want to understand the hurting, ease the pain of the sick, love the one who doesn't have it.

It's not to much to ask of myself. I know it isn't.

Life is trial and error I tell my staff. You can't go wrong when the worst thing that can happen is you learn a valuable lesson.

Set a plan and stick to it. That's what Yeager taught me. I have my plan. I'll see it to the end.

I've got this.

Xoxoxoxo

Yes. No. Hmmmm. Good point.

My mind is easily changed with a good argument. Is this a bad thing?

If I can see both sides, I have a hard time disagreeing or saying one side is wrong. Hence my balanced brain, at war with myself bit in my 'about me.'

Honestly, I'd like to keep traveling. I want to make it to Italy and London. I want to see Greece like I planned. I want to go to south America with Rachel. I want to settle and start a life. I want to be in a relationship. I want to be single. I'd be happy either way. Not more happy with one or the other. I don't think.

Is this wrong? If home is where the heart is and my heart is happy with just me- why can't I just be happy with doing whatever? I have no real strong desire to do much. Except find love, but I'm told I need to sit and let the butterfly land.

So I'm happy and content doing whatever. Should I not be? I don't see what's wrong with this. Just because it isn't a long term plan, doesn't mean I don't know what I want. It just means I want to taste everything. Do everything. See everything. Experience life. Hear sounds I've never heard before. See things I have never seen. Taste things I've never tasted (within reason). I want to do things I've never done. Yet, be able to come back to familiarity. I want to come back to comfort. See my loved ones. Kiss my family. Hug my friends.

Party til the break of dawn. Watch every sunrise. See every sunset. I want to see shooting stars. And make friends who are like family on every continent. I want to love everyone I meet. I want to meet everyone. Hug all that come my way.

We have so much time on this earth. So much to give. I want to take every moment and give all I get.

I try

Tell me something

I'm laying here on an empty beach a few hours from Sydney doing exactly what I've come here to Australia to do. Read leisurely on the beach. It's an overcast day with patches of blue sky in a mass of gray and white clouds. The waves are exactly like you would picture. They are amplified as they come closer to the shore. 

Small crabs poke their bodies out of the sand and you catch their quick movement out of the corner of your eye. By the time you move your head, they've escaped back to their underground tunnel. 

You: Do you know that kangaroo's can hold on to a fertilized egg for up to three years? It sees if the conditions are right to birth the joey. If its not, they mother aborts it. 

Me: uh huh......

You: it the title of your blog, what do kangaroos do. That's what they do. They preserve the land. If there isn't enough rain then they don't bring a baby in the world. Seven years rain, seven years drought. 

Me: so that means they don't have babies for seven years

You: no, just means they have less. 


This road trip has been fun. Like all road trips, we have good music, don't disagree, you love it, and stimulating conversation.  We have silence and giggles. And accidental black eyes. Hahaha

Sydney will come too soon I fear. But like all things, this will come to an end. Unfortunately, this is by choice. 

Now, back to my book and highlighter- "conventions with god."

A goodbye gift from Zonski.  


Xoxoxox

On my way

I'm headed to Sydney. Should be there tonight around 9 pm Ish. I'm going to get my scuba license; hopefully.

Dear old Sydney; my home away from home. I am always pulled back there. Someday maybe I'll own a home there. In the meantime, I will just have to come and go. Like a drifter in the wind.

Bootcamp and beaches. Thats how I will spend my week.

Can't wait...::

Tasha Ace
Sent from my iPhone
"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."

The climbing crew!

God winks

Firstly, the most important thing of the morning- I got a hot, yes insanely hot shower this morning at the hostel. This is enough to make my day only go up hill.

I'm meeting with two girls I met last night at the German club, to go skate boarding. Then the three of us are going African dancing. Then I'm helping the one girl move and look at her boyfriends apartment.

Later is seans housewarming party. Should be good fun. Then later tonight I'm meeting up with Jemma the girl I met the first night I went out in Brisbane.

So busy busy busy. Sunday I'm going hiking with the climbing club. I haven't made it to the museum yet. But I'll have all next week.

I woke up this morning and watched the sun rise from where I laid. I love sunrises and sunsets. I love being under the stars and the smell of the night air. I love the morning chill. Maybe this week while I'm in Sydney I'll take a sleeping bag down to the beach and sleep out. I haven't done that yet. What? Haha- I know. I've been talking about it since last October when I said I was coming to oz. Some things take time I hear. Those things that are worth waiting for don't happen over night. This is what I'm told. Don't get me wrong here, I have no patience to understand that this is 100% true. But I am learning. Slowing. A work in progress. Or just work so agrees Dan.

I'm off to get some scabed knees and elbows!!! Please though, no broken bones. Thank you!!


Xoxoxo

Sex. Never ceases to amaze me. Not How I would describe me.

While struggling with me- I didn't mean to hurt you

I feel like shit to have hurt you. That wasn't my intention. I was protecting me and in Doing so got caught up in me.

This selfish person I feel like I am has hurt someone I care deeply about.

How do I describe what I had with HHBL? The non commitment was still a commitment if I'm 100% honest. He just allowed me not to label it. We called each other whenever we wanted. We didn't see each other every night. But usually once a day somehow. Our time spent together was precious. He was allowed to talk to other girls and me boys. But I didn't. I know he stopped at one point. The agreement we made up front was if he was interested in having sex with another girl, he should tell me right away. Then I could back out of the scene. We didn't tell anyone about the relationship. We kept it to ourselves. It was good.

The set up was perfect. But since we both wanted to be with each other, we didn't date other people. We were exclusive to one another without the label of boyfriend/girlfriend. There were no expections. Only boundaries that shouldn't be crossed. And they weren't. At the end of the day, he wanted me to start telling people. To label us as an us. But I couldn't.

I was going to stay for him. Thought about staying for him. Fought with myself as to why I shouldn't go. In the end, I did leave. When I was home we saw each other. There is still that chemistry. That spark. That desire to be with him.

So I get what you're telling me. I'm not asking you to stay. I never would ask you to stay. But yes, I would have liked for HHBL to have joined me later in this journey. I know he can't. But I would love for him to share these moments with me.

I'm sorry for the negative energy. The stress I've put myself under while trying to find what I want has reflected off me to you.

That's shitty of me. I hope you'll be patient while I figure this out. Go. Live. Find what youre looking for. Because I know I'm not ready to join you. I want to. But I can't. You're right. I'm just finding me. Just finding what I'm looking for. I'm not ready to allow anyone in right now. Beause honestly, it's not the right time. I havent been with me long enough to let you near.

Trust myself. Trust what I have to offer. You don't need me. I don't need you. You want me. I want you.

But you're right, only if it means we're swimming with the current.

Xoxoxo

It doesn't just stop on the 2nd frame

I try

I didn't hear you say this. But I know you did.

Oh? Rome wasn't built in a day? Then I say fuck Rome

I went golfing with Tommy The other day. I have never hit a golf ball on a course before. Nathan and I have gone to the driving range so i have hit a ball before. My first hit it literally skips over the pond, bounce, bounce, bounce. Hahaha.

My hits get better, ie I actually hit the ball and it goes somewhere but my aim is shit. I said to tommy, is the wind taking away my ball? He said no. Haha- no hesitation, no. A couple more hits and I lose one in the pond, one in the trees, and I say fuck! Tommy says Rome wasn't built in a day. My next hit, awesome!! I said, well maybe Rome was built in a day.

Dan said things dont fall into place, we make our own way. Things do fall into place for me. It's not like I try hard for most things. Just love.

HHBL tells me to be patient. It'll come. Everyone tells me this. Question: why are so many people looking for love, but still single???

I sit here in this cafe every morning. Soon that will change. The only consistent is change. I know this. Fully. Is that why it's hard to find? If you're always changing, you never need or want the same thing. Although I have found some things that I thought I wanted were not what I expected. And of course, I quickly ran. Hahaha- speaking of running....

I went for a run yesterday and I'm shocked at how strong my legs are. The hills were not as much as a challenge as I thought they would have been. Of course, my lungs arent any better. It amazes me how much cardio I do and my ability to not huff and puff the whole time has never changed. I don't feel like Im getting any better in that respect. I need to get some endurance.

Desperately.

So I'm heading to Sydney next week to finally finish my scuba license. My last bit of fun before I start my job.

Wake up, I'm coming home!! Hahahaha

Alright, off to get my skateboard, run, and visit the museum today. Should be a good day.

Xoxoxo

Let your beauty unfold

If you watched my previous blog you'd know I'm all about comfort zones.

Yeager told me the reason she loved me is because I'm capable of Living the art of life without an eraser.

MJ tells me that I don't need to kiss a snake for the sake of kissing a snake.

Trista tells me to have no regrets.

Rachel tells me to jump with my eyes wide open.

Some envy me. Some think I'm crazy. Some respect me. Some walk away.

Everyone has their own way of coping and dealing with life.

The difference between remorse and regret is a new concept for me. To be fair, I've had a limited number of regrets which I have turned into more remorse than anything. With time, remorse has become a lesson learned.

I'm growing as a person. Every day. With every interaction I'm changing. I'm pushing comfort zones, doing things that make me happy and sad. I feel like my world is falling apart and then falling together. I fear everything. Change is awful for me. But I push and push and push. I want change. I want to experience my fear. I want to see the other side of everything.

I'm happy with who I am. Sometimes my fear defines me. Sometimes my brain listens to my heart. I make mistakes.

I will be true to me. My values. I want to make lifelong friends. I want to find a love worth sacrificing for. I want to be free of constraints.

Being true to me will make me beautiful to me. And at the end of the day, I need me more than anything.


Xoxoxo

A thousand years.....

All around. Every aspect of life. this is true.

If you're a bird, I'm a bird.

I let my fear define me.

Ah dear friends,

Where would you like me to start? I got an unexpected kiss from an unexpected boy. The kiss was soft and gentle. Not like one I've had in a very very very long time. Like, say 12 years? Hahaha.

He was sweet and respectful. Yet, I couldn't bring myself to let go. To fall. To lose control in the moment. Once was enough for me. I have decided I won't sleep with anyone again unless we're dating. Like, he said, yes you're my girlfriend. In those words. Exactly. Whispers it. Screams it. I don't give a fuck. Just makes it very clear in my, what was the the term SRW used? Ah yes. My DS solution. So that he isn't NYC. Whatever the fuck all that means. Although, it amuses me that he deleted those comments. Do you think he realizes how much his comments hurt me? It's possible. Or more likely that he knew we were Facebook friends again and he didn't want me seeing them for the sake of an argument.


Lalallalalala- not to change the subject but *subject change*

Dan and I walked to kangaroo point yesterday to watch the rock climbers. Im jealous. I can't wait until I'm climbing better. Dan says I need to be patient. I'm doing better then most already on the purples. But I get to the top and lose something? Sequencing, strength, agility? I don't know, but I almost can never finish. Sean and I went rock climbing yesterday morning. I wasn't able to beat that purple at all. It'll get easier. I know. Just need practice. I'd go everyday, but you need a partner. Frustrating that so much of your life requires a second person to be whole. No wonder people stay in relationships. Hahaha

Laundry, gym, and movies. That is what is in store for the rest of my day today. Hopefully tomorrow is nicer. I'd like to go explore new farm.

Ohhhh! I almost forgot!!!! jac and Christopher are moving up here!!!!! I cant wait to see them again. I love the shit out of them.

Today on Facebook, trista sent me a post that made me cry. She said every time she hears rhianna's song, farewell she cries thinking of me. So I listened to it from her point of view and cried. Haha- I always thought of the song as HHBL singing it. But from her, it's even more sad.

Fuck. I love my friends and miss them. Spoke to my parents yesterday too. I love my dad, he cracks me up. He must have said I love you Lynn 794 times. I love him so much. I guess they showed carter a picture of me and asked who it was and he said, tata.

I'm living in today, the now. I don't want to say, I cant wait until he is older so he can come visit me. I wish I can see him. Kiss him. Give him a huge hug.

Alright, I'm waiting for a text from SRW to see about meeting up. In the meantime, I'm going to go get my laundry.



Xoxoxo

Love fearlessly

Dear period,

You make my life miserable. This is what I'm eating for breakfast? Never acceptable.

I'm in love with the barista

She made me a large- said I looked like I needed one.... Ahhhh- I wonder if she'll marry me??

Remember me?

1st- my foot hurts so fucking bad. Walking and running and dancing on it is not the best for it. Sadly.

Second - today I went to the west end markets. I loved it!!!!! I can't even help it. I should have taken so much more money then I should have. It's 230 am and I just got in from being out. I was headed out with some of the girls from the hostel. Here to find out the two girls I was invited by individually can't stand each other. So I'm hearing drama stories from both sides. In the end I walked away from both. Went dancing by myself.

I had a good time. Came home early though, my foot is hurting pretty bad.

Tomorrow, can't wait to run. Still haven't gotten my protein bars, so I have to get those. I need to get back to eating right. ASAP.

Irony?

I was just walking down the street thinking I should use some of this free time I have to pick up trash. Just as the thought escaped my brain I step on broken glass. Fuck me. Now I need to find a way to clean this. Fuck it hurts! Shit I hate pain.

My response: what's wrong with that??

Jenn with 2 n's

Fragments of Freedom

I got in so late last night, I was simply too tired to make sense.

This morning, I'm eating my breakfast at the cafe and have a moment to just sit and be. Ah- can you picture that? Me, sitting. being.

I am happy right now. Simply happy. My broken heart is healing. I'm making friends and meeting people. Still in the hostel. Can't be bothered to look for apartments again until I know if I have a job here.

The book last night I was talking about is called animal people (not correct apa style right there) and its one day in the main characters life. He decides he is going to break up with his girlfriend. She is good for him, but he feels trapped. The whole time he is fighting his emotions of being trapped and loving her. He does break up with her in the end, and he feels like shit when he does it. But his fear of commitment is overwhelming and he can't do anything else about it. I bought it when I was with Greg, only because the cover had a dog that looked like wiggles. And it's irony to have read it now.

I'm back to feeling lost again. Wandering, but you know what? It seems this is the only time I am completely at ease with myself. When I invite people into my mess, I slowly panic and start to react to things emotionally. I hate that.

Gwen was out with us last night. She is this really cute scottish girl. She is a nurse who lives in the house share. She is the most optimistic person I have ever met. She just sees the good in everyone. I can't live to that extreme.

I think it might rain today. I'm heading to the markets in west end...I hope I remember how to get there. I might have to run back to the room and get my jacket. Or should I be risky and not? Haha- no I hate being wet and cold. So Ill go get it.

This is possibly the best flat white I've ever had. Although coffee seriously makes my heart beat like 8587274 times per minute.

Dan said I should write a book. I was thinking about that. Hmmm, it will need proof read......he said he knows. My texts need much deciphering. Haha. Oh dear, his comments are so much like the last boys.

I'm thinking about competing. Well, not actually competing as much as just training as if to compete. I'm not really a competitive girl. And my boobs are too small. And I don't want to have such an orange fake tan. But I want their body.

I've just re-read this blog post, it seems so random. Well- its not like I just threw it together....ish. I'm sitting here in the cafe thinking, and remembering and blah blah blah.

I need to lose some more weight I think. I can't stand seeing myself in the mirror....sitting here I feel my stomach roll over it self and it makes me sick. Fuck. I hate being fat. I'm jealous of those who don't have to worry about weight gain. I need more protein bars...I hope I pass the store that sells them while I'm on my way to the markets today.

Ok- I'm done rambling. But I'm healing. Wandering, but not lost. I'm more back to me then I have been. But still not the girl I hope to be someday. I'm still looking for me. She's here somewhere. I see glimpses of her. It gives me hope that she is right around the corner.

I'm happy. That makes me smile. Makes me feel good. Forces me to take the moments of pain with a grain of salt.

I've pushed away some people I really love. It doesn't make what they told me necessarily right or wrong. But I'm able to see it for what it was at the time and now I'm making my way back.

Xoxo

Another great night

Dan has been fabulous with me. I was teasing him tonight that he must feel incredibly bad for me. He invited me to a friends BBQ tomorrow.

I like learning about him. The amount of volunteer work he has done has been incredible. I met up with some more of his friends and also the other house mate Gwen.

She is adorable. I love her so much. Forever the optimist. She told me tonight that I need to push more comfort zones then I do. Hahaha.

I miss Yeager. A Lot. I've lost a really good friend. I recognize this and at this point, I can't fix it. Bull is telling me to come home, but I can't yet. I'm not ready. This feels more like home.

This place that I know no one. Where I don't have a place to stay.

I finished reading a great book today. (all of these things tie together, I'm just too tired at the moment to make them- I just want the thoughts down and i'll explain later )

Night!!

Xoxo

Fucking yes!!

I'm feeling fat :-(

Guilty

A bum just asked me for money for food. I told him I didn't have any. I feel awful. To the point, I'm watching him walk away and I'm trying to decide if I should go after him.

Living in the city will change me I'm pretty sure. Webster always told me to ignore the people on the streets. It is so hard for me. I don't even mind giving them money, I just want to know they're being honest. But I guess in the end of the day, what does it matter if it doesn't effect me?

Oh geez, i feel so guilty. Fuck. I should have taken him to get food.

Fuck.

Tasha Ace
Sent from my iPhone
"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."

New cut

It's fairly short....