Monday, 23 July 2012
ISV 3; Day 2 (My Day One)
A warm sunny day in Brisbane turns into a cold overcast rainy day the closer I drive to Wild Mountains. I get to the car park and I'm greeted by Susan and Koni. They are all hugs, kisses, and chatter. You always feel so welcome and at home when you're greeted here.
As I walk into the familiar hall a group of 21 are seated in a circle. They are deep in conversation. Topic of Discussion- The number of children the citizens of China are allowed to birth. It seems contrary to popular America belief, China no longer has a ban on the number of children you may have; however, it does fine you if you have more than one. The group are just talking away while Richard and Justin observe. Seems pretty cut and dry.
As usual, things are not always as they seem. This exercise isn't about world culture, but rather, the relationships (or culture) you establish with the people you interact with in your daily life.
The topic Richard and Justin actually want to address; "When dealing with complex challenges, culture beats strategy, any day" and "Communication is 15% of what you say, 30% of how you say it, and 55% of body language."
Of course, I start reflecting. Do I ask how others are feeling during a conversation? Do I take time to ask those who are silent what their input is in a current conversation? Do I encourage them to participate and give their input? I have come a long way in communicating; however, I am so far from the perfect communicator it isn't even funny.
How can I gear this reflection words myself and my next relationships? I know 'when we think we know the truth, we stop learning.' I have no desire to stop learning. The world has so much to offer and I want to absorb it all. Every single inch of what it has to give I want to utilize.
I run into people; friends, lovers, acquaintances, and strangers who feel what they know is the be all end all. They are no longer open to new ideas or beliefs. This stifles how they interact with me and others.
I've also learned today that I'm inadequate in all things that require any sort of interactions. I rush through life and lose important moments or in rushing I lose my potential. While rock climbing today, I realized that its okay to stumble, ponder, think, plan, prepare, leap. I was climbing with a new group of climbers and the way they handle their communication and guidance with one another is so different than what I'm used to with TWO and the gang. I kept waiting for commands and directives. None were had, until I asked specifically. Every new interaction/relationship I have learned so much.
I need to keep in mind that its okay to not know everything. Its okay to have weakness. I don't have to be the strong one all the time. I've such a long way to go in this journey of life. Understanding. Being.
However, I'm me and I'm happy with the fact I haven't closed myself off to learning and reflecting and becoming someone better.
I'm happy that I'm not happy with staying the same. I'm happy that I'm evolving and I'm not on the same track to be the same person I was yesterday. It saddens me that others aren't this way.
I also recognize that while I'm learning, I'm subsequently failing. In these failures, I hurt people along the way. I become self absorbed in learning, expanding and pushing. In this absorption, I forget how or why I'm interacting with others. I forget that I need others to become a better person. This, while individual, is not a one woman journey that I am on.
I want others to, no need others to interact and form relationships with me. I need to observe those around me. Stop seeing black and white. Everyone is so different. They handle life differently, they function better one way than another.
I need to learn how to recognize when I'm not seeing grey. When I'm focusing on black or white, how do I fix this? How do I learn from my mistakes? Apply these life lessons?
I won't give up until I've a better understanding. I won't.
As I walk into the familiar hall a group of 21 are seated in a circle. They are deep in conversation. Topic of Discussion- The number of children the citizens of China are allowed to birth. It seems contrary to popular America belief, China no longer has a ban on the number of children you may have; however, it does fine you if you have more than one. The group are just talking away while Richard and Justin observe. Seems pretty cut and dry.
As usual, things are not always as they seem. This exercise isn't about world culture, but rather, the relationships (or culture) you establish with the people you interact with in your daily life.
The topic Richard and Justin actually want to address; "When dealing with complex challenges, culture beats strategy, any day" and "Communication is 15% of what you say, 30% of how you say it, and 55% of body language."
Of course, I start reflecting. Do I ask how others are feeling during a conversation? Do I take time to ask those who are silent what their input is in a current conversation? Do I encourage them to participate and give their input? I have come a long way in communicating; however, I am so far from the perfect communicator it isn't even funny.
How can I gear this reflection words myself and my next relationships? I know 'when we think we know the truth, we stop learning.' I have no desire to stop learning. The world has so much to offer and I want to absorb it all. Every single inch of what it has to give I want to utilize.
I run into people; friends, lovers, acquaintances, and strangers who feel what they know is the be all end all. They are no longer open to new ideas or beliefs. This stifles how they interact with me and others.
This leaves me realizing that people of whom I've respected and adored, are behind me in what I thought they were teaching me. Or maybe, they have taught me all they could and therefore; I need to move on.
I want to learn to hear what other people have to say. I want to want to understand their feelings. I want to feel what they are feeling. Recognize when they are hurting. Recognize how to not just see what is in front of me or what I perceive to be the truth. I want to see someone else's truth before I act on my own.
I've also learned today that I'm inadequate in all things that require any sort of interactions. I rush through life and lose important moments or in rushing I lose my potential. While rock climbing today, I realized that its okay to stumble, ponder, think, plan, prepare, leap. I was climbing with a new group of climbers and the way they handle their communication and guidance with one another is so different than what I'm used to with TWO and the gang. I kept waiting for commands and directives. None were had, until I asked specifically. Every new interaction/relationship I have learned so much.
I need to keep in mind that its okay to not know everything. Its okay to have weakness. I don't have to be the strong one all the time. I've such a long way to go in this journey of life. Understanding. Being.
However, I'm me and I'm happy with the fact I haven't closed myself off to learning and reflecting and becoming someone better.
I'm happy that I'm not happy with staying the same. I'm happy that I'm evolving and I'm not on the same track to be the same person I was yesterday. It saddens me that others aren't this way.
I also recognize that while I'm learning, I'm subsequently failing. In these failures, I hurt people along the way. I become self absorbed in learning, expanding and pushing. In this absorption, I forget how or why I'm interacting with others. I forget that I need others to become a better person. This, while individual, is not a one woman journey that I am on.
I want others to, no need others to interact and form relationships with me. I need to observe those around me. Stop seeing black and white. Everyone is so different. They handle life differently, they function better one way than another.
I need to learn how to recognize when I'm not seeing grey. When I'm focusing on black or white, how do I fix this? How do I learn from my mistakes? Apply these life lessons?
I won't give up until I've a better understanding. I won't.
Saturday, 21 July 2012
You Can't Make a Blind Eye See
I have come to the shocking realization that the only thing I have to offer in a relationship is sex.
I've been told by several of my ex's that have an energy that they can't function in. And when they are around me, they can't tell me no.
That energy dear boys is sexuality. I had two relationships where the boys had a hard time getting themselves up. By the end of our relationship, they were having no problems. Wanting sex more times a day then they had wanted in a month previously. Do I bolster their confidence? Or is my sexuality so strong that it over comes libido.
Either way, I don't always know when I'm using it. I don't realize the impact it has on the male species. And so I sit here again, feeling awful and shitty because it was undeniably sex that kept him participating in this relationship.
When the energy is so strong, it blinds a mans senses. But breaks a girls heart.
I have promised myself that I won't be self destructive this time. I'm always self destructive when I end a relationship.
I guess this one is different because it had the promise of intimacy. A closeness that I haven't had in any of my previous relationships, including seven years or more of my marriage.
The thought of a one night stand sickens me. No, I don't want to be self destructive. I do, however; still want to withdraw from the world. But I'm not. I'm being a good girl.
Future advice, pay more attention to my sexuality. I want a boy to be with me. Not my energy. That makes them do things they wouldn't do; therefore, leading them to be someone they're not.
I've been told by several of my ex's that have an energy that they can't function in. And when they are around me, they can't tell me no.
That energy dear boys is sexuality. I had two relationships where the boys had a hard time getting themselves up. By the end of our relationship, they were having no problems. Wanting sex more times a day then they had wanted in a month previously. Do I bolster their confidence? Or is my sexuality so strong that it over comes libido.
Either way, I don't always know when I'm using it. I don't realize the impact it has on the male species. And so I sit here again, feeling awful and shitty because it was undeniably sex that kept him participating in this relationship.
When the energy is so strong, it blinds a mans senses. But breaks a girls heart.
I have promised myself that I won't be self destructive this time. I'm always self destructive when I end a relationship.
I guess this one is different because it had the promise of intimacy. A closeness that I haven't had in any of my previous relationships, including seven years or more of my marriage.
The thought of a one night stand sickens me. No, I don't want to be self destructive. I do, however; still want to withdraw from the world. But I'm not. I'm being a good girl.
Future advice, pay more attention to my sexuality. I want a boy to be with me. Not my energy. That makes them do things they wouldn't do; therefore, leading them to be someone they're not.
Bouldering through the Climb.
I'll fall, start again, succeed, fail. Its individuals who can only survive on teamwork.
Every one step is closer to the goal.
Sometimes leaning in and trusting the unstable is the only way to get through. Sometimes a slip is to be had. Maybe you catch yourself on this slip, but sometimes you don't. Trust. Yourself. Your partner. It doesn't come easy, nor does it come on the first try.
At times, success can be achieved without knowing where or how to get there. Its safer to have a plan and when the plan is foiled, it doesn't mean you can't pull through.
Its not always about technique. It can't be. But people will tell you it should be.
I trust you won't let me hit the ground. If I fall its not because you weren't watching. (Or should I say, If I fall its not because you weren't watching and I trust you won't let me hit the ground)
A hold isn't always the best or the safest, but you grab a hold and plow through anyway. You hold your breath hoping for the best. Wishing for the safety you don't feel.
We have a goal. That goal is to succeed.
Sometimes, I'll let go when I shouldn't. Sometimes the safety rope is too tight. There isn't solid footing or a place to put my hand, but as long as we still have the same goal, we keep trying. Lean with it, move with the wall, stop fighting it. Stop. Think. Does this seem to not be working? Then there has to be another way. Its not always black or white. You project the wall. You hang on and think about your next move. I just rush up the wall. I don't take my time. I don't think before hand how I'm going to do it. My understanding of what I've learnt comes in as I need it.
You aren't afraid to push my comfort zones when we're on the wall. even though, you know I can be physically hurt. Even though you know my current skill level. Even though, my arms are sore, my toes are hurting, and my fingers are weak. You know that pushing past the point of discomfort will lead to success.
I'm weak. I'm not a strong climber. I hate to fail. This leaves me pushing my comfort zones only so far. I never trust myself and I always let go too soon. A safe way to play it. I feel myself slipping and I don't give myself the chance to see if I should keep going. I let go. Knowing, hoping, I can have the strength to get back on and keep trying.
Today, while climbing with Emma, I stayed comfortable on purples. I didn't bother with greens. No real point, I thought. I enjoy climbing and will enjoy an easy day with no challenges. With Mel and Amber, I never feel that way. I'm comfortable with them. If I fail I don't feel bad about it. I can show a weakness that doesn't leave me too vulnerable or exposed. I didn't want to feel that way with Emma. In my mind, its okay for me to set her up to to think I couldn't do greens, then for her to see me struggle. The same weakness in a different mindset leaves me feeling more vulnerable.
I love rock climbing. I love learning the techniques required to become a stronger, better climber. I get how it works. I understand how my body and mind work in conjunction with the challenges it offers. I fully grasp the fact I don't always make it to the top. I allow compromises of change when I think I can't make it. Try rainbowing it, try starting with purple, moving to green if it gets too difficult, try the green, project the red. I get that somethings are too hard but that doesn't mean they are impossible.
And you promised me that even if I don't get any better, if I keep trying the same problem, I'll eventually succeed. Because at some point, your brain and body make the connection, "Boom! This is the way."
And at the end of the day, it's not about the sore arms (because it should be my legs, but I don't always do it right), my broken nails, my smashed toes, the bruises on my legs, how many times I failed, if my ego is squashed, or if I'm exhausted, its the fact that I made it to the summit, with you, my partner.
And the good always outweighs the bad, because I can't get to the top without some pain.
<3
Monday, 16 July 2012
The day my fear ate my sanity- My last post.
I've come undone. I enjoy blogging. I enjoy writing my thoughts here in this little space in the world. A crevice that no one notices. I'm a small part of such a huge worldwide phenomenon.
I forget that people actually read this. I forget that the people I care about don't want to be public in my story.
Its funny because Webster, HHBL, SRW, and TCSB, enjoyed that I blogged about them. The only time they asked me to stop blogging was when I posted bad things. Say a fight or a really shitty e-mail that was sent to me.
All in all, my blogs have been a source of some kind of argument in my relationships. Always after I'd broken up with the boys.
Heres the deal. I like this boy. So much. This blog has caused a source of pain that I can't forgive myself for. It started something that shouldn't have been.
For this, I type my last post. I started blogging most recently to cope with my divorce. To pen my hurt and frustrations. To my surprise, the blog was the best therapy. I had so many wonderful people post and give advice and tell me they were there for me.
Then my blog turned to my travels and have eventually evolved to my thoughts.
For this, its too personal to keep going in public.
I want to end this because at the end of the day, this blog is not more important than what I feel for this boy. I know its too late to fix us. I get this. I've walked away from him for the last time. I get it.
But it worked out for Carrie and Mr. Big........and even if it doesn't work out for us. My broken heart will always remember the day my fear pushed me for the last time in the wrong direction.
xoxoxoxoxoxo
I forget that people actually read this. I forget that the people I care about don't want to be public in my story.
Its funny because Webster, HHBL, SRW, and TCSB, enjoyed that I blogged about them. The only time they asked me to stop blogging was when I posted bad things. Say a fight or a really shitty e-mail that was sent to me.
All in all, my blogs have been a source of some kind of argument in my relationships. Always after I'd broken up with the boys.
Heres the deal. I like this boy. So much. This blog has caused a source of pain that I can't forgive myself for. It started something that shouldn't have been.
For this, I type my last post. I started blogging most recently to cope with my divorce. To pen my hurt and frustrations. To my surprise, the blog was the best therapy. I had so many wonderful people post and give advice and tell me they were there for me.
Then my blog turned to my travels and have eventually evolved to my thoughts.
For this, its too personal to keep going in public.
I want to end this because at the end of the day, this blog is not more important than what I feel for this boy. I know its too late to fix us. I get this. I've walked away from him for the last time. I get it.
But it worked out for Carrie and Mr. Big........and even if it doesn't work out for us. My broken heart will always remember the day my fear pushed me for the last time in the wrong direction.
xoxoxoxoxoxo
Sunday, 15 July 2012
Thursday, 5 July 2012
Remember that moment when Awkward Hits?
For me its very rare. I think God left this gene on the sidelines when he created me. I am totally oblivious, sometimes, when people are uncomfortable. This morning while soaping myself in the shower, I remembered a very awkward (which by the way is an awkward word to see and type) moment not too long ago in February and its pretty funny actually, now that itslong over.
I was in Thailand for a week, this was a period of rebellion against SRW and my resistance to NOT live in Brisbane. There were maybe 8 days left before I went back to the states for a two week visit and I was acting like a brat by refusing to stay with him here in Brisbane. To be fair, he was being a dick. Every action has a reaction. ANYWAY.
Went to Thailand and while i was there was instructed by numerous people to get a massage. Where I stayed, near a restaurant called Condoms and Cabbages, there was a very cute upscale massage parlour, salon? What are they called?
I stopped in there and booked myself a massage for an hour every day at $20 whole dollars. What the hell? Does it get any better than professional massages for on the cheap? I think not.
My first massage, was a very basic Thai Massage. Leave your robe on, get a rub down, be done. And so very me, I wanted to try everything, so I had booked different types of massages everyday.
Day two rolls around, and let me just say here, that I get regular massages. By regular, I mean every couple of months to monthly depending on my travel schedule and what I'm doing. So I'm quite aware of different techniques and styles and general etiquette for receiving.
Day two, I walk in, excited, its a deep tissue, hot stone massage. Nice. No offense, but relaxation massages just don't do it for this girl. I can't help it. I like to feel productive. So walking out of there feeling like I've been beat by a baseball bat is about the best feeling this girl can imagine. So I disrobe, lay under my blanket naked except for my boy cut Victoria's secret cotton underwear. For the record, thats as granny panties as this girl gets. None of that white up to your belly button cover your whole ass kind of shit. Half an hour late, I'm told to roll over. Interesting, I think. I can almost clearly remember purposefully not thinking about what could happen in the next moment. Purposefully praying she would keep her wandering hands on the top of my leg, near my neck, on my shoulders? Slowly she inches down my chest and yep....over my nipples.
FUCKING HELL! Okay, be calm. Act professional. This isn't sexual. IS IT?? I mean I don't honestly think there are any real establishments that honor, fuck. Now she's massaging my nipples.
Yes, no joke. This little Thai woman is hovering over my head, her tiny hands playing with my teeny tiny boobs and massaging my nipples. Generally, I'm a quick thinker. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a quick liar, but a quick thinker yes. But right now, I'm literally laying on this table completely exposed (thank God I'm waxed) to this strange woman who is massaging my nipples.
As I lift my hand, to politely hold it in the STOP don't enter here sign, she moves down to my belly. As a precaution though, I tell her in my perfect English, "Thank you for the rubbing of my nipples, I would appreciate it if you wouldn't do that again?" So much for being a strong confident woman. I just turned a bold statement into a question.
She smiled, nods her head. And reaches for my nipples again. I lay there thinking this is about as awkward as life can get.
When she was all done, and let me tell you at no point was this erotic. At no point was I like, whoot whoot, keep going this feels great. It was more like 'Yes, Doctor, I will spread my legs for you to stick your metal thing in and pull it apart, but keep in mind if you couldn't tell me if I had cancer in there, there is no way in fucking hell I'd expose myself to your gloves and your cold devices' kinda moment.
Ah, although, at the end of the day, it could have been worse. She could have come out and written a comment in the book for my next visit, "Same Same."
xoxox
I was in Thailand for a week, this was a period of rebellion against SRW and my resistance to NOT live in Brisbane. There were maybe 8 days left before I went back to the states for a two week visit and I was acting like a brat by refusing to stay with him here in Brisbane. To be fair, he was being a dick. Every action has a reaction. ANYWAY.
Went to Thailand and while i was there was instructed by numerous people to get a massage. Where I stayed, near a restaurant called Condoms and Cabbages, there was a very cute upscale massage parlour, salon? What are they called?
I stopped in there and booked myself a massage for an hour every day at $20 whole dollars. What the hell? Does it get any better than professional massages for on the cheap? I think not.
My first massage, was a very basic Thai Massage. Leave your robe on, get a rub down, be done. And so very me, I wanted to try everything, so I had booked different types of massages everyday.
Day two rolls around, and let me just say here, that I get regular massages. By regular, I mean every couple of months to monthly depending on my travel schedule and what I'm doing. So I'm quite aware of different techniques and styles and general etiquette for receiving.
Day two, I walk in, excited, its a deep tissue, hot stone massage. Nice. No offense, but relaxation massages just don't do it for this girl. I can't help it. I like to feel productive. So walking out of there feeling like I've been beat by a baseball bat is about the best feeling this girl can imagine. So I disrobe, lay under my blanket naked except for my boy cut Victoria's secret cotton underwear. For the record, thats as granny panties as this girl gets. None of that white up to your belly button cover your whole ass kind of shit. Half an hour late, I'm told to roll over. Interesting, I think. I can almost clearly remember purposefully not thinking about what could happen in the next moment. Purposefully praying she would keep her wandering hands on the top of my leg, near my neck, on my shoulders? Slowly she inches down my chest and yep....over my nipples.
FUCKING HELL! Okay, be calm. Act professional. This isn't sexual. IS IT?? I mean I don't honestly think there are any real establishments that honor, fuck. Now she's massaging my nipples.
Yes, no joke. This little Thai woman is hovering over my head, her tiny hands playing with my teeny tiny boobs and massaging my nipples. Generally, I'm a quick thinker. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a quick liar, but a quick thinker yes. But right now, I'm literally laying on this table completely exposed (thank God I'm waxed) to this strange woman who is massaging my nipples.
As I lift my hand, to politely hold it in the STOP don't enter here sign, she moves down to my belly. As a precaution though, I tell her in my perfect English, "Thank you for the rubbing of my nipples, I would appreciate it if you wouldn't do that again?" So much for being a strong confident woman. I just turned a bold statement into a question.
She smiled, nods her head. And reaches for my nipples again. I lay there thinking this is about as awkward as life can get.
When she was all done, and let me tell you at no point was this erotic. At no point was I like, whoot whoot, keep going this feels great. It was more like 'Yes, Doctor, I will spread my legs for you to stick your metal thing in and pull it apart, but keep in mind if you couldn't tell me if I had cancer in there, there is no way in fucking hell I'd expose myself to your gloves and your cold devices' kinda moment.
Ah, although, at the end of the day, it could have been worse. She could have come out and written a comment in the book for my next visit, "Same Same."
xoxox
Wednesday, 4 July 2012
I'll stay beautiful with a smile, even though its shadowed by sadness
People come and go. In and out of our lives either noticed or unnoticed. I try my hardest to make sure anyone who comes across my path is not left unnoticed. I want each and every person I meet to not only feel special, but also feel as though they have made their mark in my life.
I guess this is why when things turn down a path I'm not ready for its pain is so shocking to me. And sometimes, when damage is done, there is no repairing it. A hard pill for me to swallow.
But you remember the "business" we established? STFU and deal with it? and the jokes and the giggles we had? The late night talks about boys and kids? Future plans and current problems? I haven't. I'm sure you haven't either.
But honestly, the difference is during no time did I turn you into a monster in my head. At no time did I create something that wasn't there. So here I sit, saddened as I realize our friendship has really come to an end.
Zonski told me a long time ago that a real relationship takes patience and a long time to build. You can't rush something that is good and lasting. How very true I have found those words. Relationships that have been a spark and ignite a blast are quick to burn and die out. Its been proven time and time again.
I'm so grateful for the real true blue friends that I have. Friends who have become more like family. Sincere people that take ups and downs in a relationship and roll with it. Get pissed, fight back, come to an understanding and still hold hands with me at the end of the day.
So, dear stranger, you've made your mark in my life. I thought it would be for a longer while than it was. I'm sure I've made a mark in yours. Off we go our own separate ways.
I'll keep a smile for the world to see. My heart will break at the loss of what could have been. But time heals all wounds.
Here's to celebrating Indepen'dance'
Me: I love fireworks (as I'm standing on his back porch listening to them go off in Darling Harbor)
TWO: Of course you do.
July 4th, 1776 our country declared its Independence from Great Britain. Today we celebrate by saying fuck you to England with fireworks, barbeque's, parades, drinking, and picnics. I love corn on the cob, watermelon, my moms (and now sisters) recipe for hamburgers on the grill. I love potato salad and macaroni salad and fruit salad. OMG! And pretzel salad. Have you ever had pretzel salad? AHHHHH MAZING!!!!
The fourth of July has always and forever been my favourite holiday. It surpasses Christmas and my birthday by miles. I love the smell of the summer air, the bonfires in backyards, the family laughter and the unity it brings to communities.
In Emlenton, we have a huge celebration weekend called (yes just simply) Emlenton Festival. And each year, even though I was married for 10 years, Trista and I would get together and go out on Saturday night of this weekend and party with old friends and my parents. Nathan would stay home, playing that damn x-box I bought him...(Yes, Keri Hilson song)
Tiff and I would always get a shot (thank you for the introduction to coconut rum).
THEN the fireworks!! They were never amazing. Not ever were they super impressive. But this girl will go out of her way to see fireworks. I love them.
Nathan hated them. He never shared in any experiences that I enjoyed without making them miserable. So much so, that I can't even tell you how many times I broke off our engagement, or wanted a divorce, around the 4th of July. So it was always such a joy when my birthday would come around, six days later, and we still hadn't recovered from the argument.
Trista and I would head out for the weekend and that'd be that. I have one, ONE, picture of when Nathan bought me a birthday cake. I have EVERY year had some sort of celebration for Nathan for his. And pictures to prove it. Surprise parties, fund raising parties, family parties, friends parties. You name it, I had done it for him. Because trust me, when it came to his day, he wanted attention.
Last year, Trista and I celebrated my birthday much the same way we had all the years before. But, it was different. I was single. And people knew it. And for that, I can say, we probably didn't have as much fun because my guard was up. I didn't want boys picking me up that night.
Good things though, happen to those who are good. Last year, I also got a big huge box from Australia. In it were the most perfect of gifts to me. Simple things that made me smile and beautiful things that made me cry. But more importantly, the cards that came with the box. Thought had gone into each weird and wacky gift.
A realization, that yes, breaking free was the best thing that I could have ever done for myself.
This year, no fireworks. Actually, this year, no friends to celebrate my birthday with. I'll be taking Amber to the airport nice and early and then as I turn the ripe old age of 29, I'll have no balloons, or birthday cake (not that I've ever had those anyway.....). I'll have no hugs or kisses. I'll be heading, this last year in my 20's, down this path as independent as one can be.
Maybe even with no mention of the day. (I took my birth date down from facebook so people won't know).
And honestly, I can't say I would trade in those fights and my tears for one more ruined holiday.
Here's to my future and my own way of celebrating my fuck you to my old life!
xoxoxox
TWO: Of course you do.
July 4th, 1776 our country declared its Independence from Great Britain. Today we celebrate by saying fuck you to England with fireworks, barbeque's, parades, drinking, and picnics. I love corn on the cob, watermelon, my moms (and now sisters) recipe for hamburgers on the grill. I love potato salad and macaroni salad and fruit salad. OMG! And pretzel salad. Have you ever had pretzel salad? AHHHHH MAZING!!!!
The fourth of July has always and forever been my favourite holiday. It surpasses Christmas and my birthday by miles. I love the smell of the summer air, the bonfires in backyards, the family laughter and the unity it brings to communities.
In Emlenton, we have a huge celebration weekend called (yes just simply) Emlenton Festival. And each year, even though I was married for 10 years, Trista and I would get together and go out on Saturday night of this weekend and party with old friends and my parents. Nathan would stay home, playing that damn x-box I bought him...(Yes, Keri Hilson song)
Tiff and I would always get a shot (thank you for the introduction to coconut rum).
THEN the fireworks!! They were never amazing. Not ever were they super impressive. But this girl will go out of her way to see fireworks. I love them.
Nathan hated them. He never shared in any experiences that I enjoyed without making them miserable. So much so, that I can't even tell you how many times I broke off our engagement, or wanted a divorce, around the 4th of July. So it was always such a joy when my birthday would come around, six days later, and we still hadn't recovered from the argument.
Trista and I would head out for the weekend and that'd be that. I have one, ONE, picture of when Nathan bought me a birthday cake. I have EVERY year had some sort of celebration for Nathan for his. And pictures to prove it. Surprise parties, fund raising parties, family parties, friends parties. You name it, I had done it for him. Because trust me, when it came to his day, he wanted attention.
Last year, Trista and I celebrated my birthday much the same way we had all the years before. But, it was different. I was single. And people knew it. And for that, I can say, we probably didn't have as much fun because my guard was up. I didn't want boys picking me up that night.
Good things though, happen to those who are good. Last year, I also got a big huge box from Australia. In it were the most perfect of gifts to me. Simple things that made me smile and beautiful things that made me cry. But more importantly, the cards that came with the box. Thought had gone into each weird and wacky gift.
A realization, that yes, breaking free was the best thing that I could have ever done for myself.
This year, no fireworks. Actually, this year, no friends to celebrate my birthday with. I'll be taking Amber to the airport nice and early and then as I turn the ripe old age of 29, I'll have no balloons, or birthday cake (not that I've ever had those anyway.....). I'll have no hugs or kisses. I'll be heading, this last year in my 20's, down this path as independent as one can be.
Maybe even with no mention of the day. (I took my birth date down from facebook so people won't know).
And honestly, I can't say I would trade in those fights and my tears for one more ruined holiday.
Here's to my future and my own way of celebrating my fuck you to my old life!
xoxoxox
Tuesday, 3 July 2012
Monday, 2 July 2012
7 of my 99 things.....
Since buying this book, I have done it several times. The most recent time was when I left Zonski's place in Sydney. I always sat in the corner of his counter. So the last night I was there, I made dinner and bought myself some flowers to replace myself...... he probably threw them away as soon as I left.
I can honestly say that my parents did a kick ass job raising me. There have been a million times that I thought to myself, fuck me, I'd never do that if I had a kid. But my parents taught me respect and to be humble. They taught me about giving and loving. They taught me to be kind and to understand others points of view. They showed me how to become a strong, indpendent confident woman. And for that, I can forgive them for grounding me when I was 2 minutes late from my curfew. I can forgive them for not allowing me to do all the things I thought were so important at the ripe age of 14, 15 or 16. Yeah, they did a pretty awesome job at raising me, if I might say so myself!
Especially since living here in Australia, this has become so important. I shop at the farmers market for my veggies and buy my fish at the local fish market. I steer clear as much as possible from large chain stores and support the local farmer.
Just flew first class from Pittsburgh to LA. It was okay and I did actually blog about this one....sometimes I'm a good girl.
Seeing as I don't think I've really ever been full of myself, I think I can cross this off my list. But to add to that, I'm also more considerate of others feelings. I am working on including others in my decisions, especially when the decision includes them.
I'm agnostic. I've decided. I know there is a God. But I can't honestly say that one religion is worse than another. I can't sit here and tell you with an honest heart that someone is going to hell just because they don't believe Jesus Christ is Lord. And I have had these conversations with millions of people this last year as I've tried to find my true beief. Its been hard for me to decide what I believe. I know people of some faiths who I would never want to follow in their footsteps. I know of others who don't proclaim any faith, who I would strive til my dying day to become more like. So, I can't tell you who is god. If its a he or she. I can't tell you if they made the world in one big bang, or if they took seven days to do it. What I know is you should strive to be the best you can be. Be kind. Be generous. Be open. Be positive. Be whatever as long as its good.
I'm tired of apologizing for being me. I'm a mess. But here's the thing, I no longer will try to conform to being what someone wants me to be. I will no longer apologize for someone elses mistakes. This is a work in progress and I know I've come far enough to say yes, I am doing this.
54. 64. 56. 47. 22. 6. 53
I used to repost the top part of this and then explain how I've completed number. After a review, I've found that I've completed several and didn't update! So my next post will be a brief summary of each of the ones I've just crossed off.
But for the ones I needed to do after I started my first blog, see below! I've had a great time crossing these things off my list. I've had an even better time adding to it. Hmmmm, perhaps I should post my bucket list here.......
Okay, so here's the deal...I bought
Still left to do:
1. Break all my parents arbitrary rules
2.Grow Something: My clinician bought me a bulb for CHristmas, I'll keep you posted on how successful I am at this!
3. Dump Toxic Friends: to be honest though, I'm not sure I have any....
4. Speak a Foreign language
5. Draw and Frame a self-portrait
6. Stop chronic over-apologizing
8. Develop a Plan B
9. Know your friends' family tree
10. Embrace your inner eight-year-old (disney land anyone??)
11. Read Woman's Bodies, Women's Wisdom by Christane Northrup, MD
12. Build a Raging campfire
13. Make the first move
14. Be your own muse
15. Master a signature family recipe
17. Negotiate for something expensive
19. Claim your granny panties....(I may skip this one...where do you even buy these?)
20. Make brownies from scratch
21. Exorcise the words "like" and "you know" from your vocabulary
22. Find your religion
24. perfect your am stretch
25. declare your birthday a national holiday
26. Stock an emergency disaster kit
28. Take your hobby more seriously than your job
31. hook up something high tech by yourself
32. lose your virginity again
33. know your blood type
34. Confront someone who's done you wrong
35. write a body manifesto
36. have a mantra
37. research your family's medical history
40. Make more money then you spend
41. Be a nudist for a day....
42. Adopt an awkward teenager
43. dress for longevity
46. use a great dermo
47. get over yourself
48. sleep in a hammock...I know right? I can't wait to do this!!
49. Own a tool box with all the basics
50.Memorize your favorite smells and surround yourself with them
51. Fall in love (or lust) without blowing off your friends
52. Dub the greatest hits from your childhood
53. Care about where your food comes from
54.Fly first class
55. Cultivate your own style
56. Forgive your parents
57. be a dork
60. Adopt another motherland
61. Make a killer cocktail
62. Tie a few knots (learn to make knots-not getting married!)
63. Have your fortune told
64. give yourself flowers
65. Stop looking for a soul mate
66. give props to a teacher
68. be notorious for something
69.-bounce back
But for the ones I needed to do after I started my first blog, see below! I've had a great time crossing these things off my list. I've had an even better time adding to it. Hmmmm, perhaps I should post my bucket list here.......
Okay, so here's the deal...I bought
Swim Naked, Defy Gravity& 99 other essential things to accomplish before turning 30 by Colleen Rush
when I was 21. A recent birthday of a very good friend made me realize I'm going to be 30 way too soon....So I'd better get this checklist completed. Every Monday, I'm going to try to work on crossing something else off my list.Still left to do:
2.Grow Something: My clinician bought me a bulb for CHristmas, I'll keep you posted on how successful I am at this!
4. Speak a Foreign language
5. Draw and Frame a self-portrait
8. Develop a Plan B
9. Know your friends' family tree
11. Read Woman's Bodies, Women's Wisdom by Christane Northrup, MD
14. Be your own muse
15. Master a signature family recipe
1
19. Claim your granny panties....(I may skip this one...where do you even buy these?)
21. Exorcise the words "like" and "you know" from your vocabulary
24. perfect your am stretch
25. declare your birthday a national holiday
26. Stock an emergency disaster kit
31. hook up something high tech by yourself
3
36. have a mantra
37. research your family's medical history
42. Adopt an awkward teenager
46. use a great dermo
49. Own a tool box with all the basics
50.Memorize your favorite smells and surround yourself with them
51. Fall in love (or lust) without blowing off your friends
55. Cultivate your own style
57. be a dork
61. Make a killer cocktail
62. Tie a few knots (learn to make knots-not getting married!)
66. give props to a teacher
68. be notorious for something
Sunday, 1 July 2012
Just because you can, doesn't mean you should.
As I start this blog post over because my pen exploded all over my face and hands, yes, I am a mess.....
Here is something I've struggled with my entire life. As Ive lived an older womans life; buying a house and getting married young, starting two businesses young, and volunteering so much. I've always experienced life as a young person reaching, proving, and showing the I belong in a world most people my age don't. I've always handled proving myself to older, more educated, wealthier people. Although life gets easier, not sure if it's because I know what I need to get approval or because I'm aging (hopefully gracefully?)
One of my 99 things to do before turning 30- fly first class. (I'm looking for the list in my previous blog- but I did find my travel list, see it posted Four of the Seven, posted in Feb of 2012).
So here I am. Sitting in seat 1B on United Airways flight 588. What happens when you enter a world you're unfamiliar with?
You find you love it. Or hate it.
First, I know I'll never, unless given free seats, fly anything other than economy. I don't need extra attention or larger seats. I don't need to board first. Or get off the plane first. I don't need to be catered to.
Heres what else I don't need: pretentious people. Those who no longer take what they're give with a moments appreciation.
You know I can take a deep breathabdi can say, yes, this is something like my iPhone, I don't need it, but could get used to it. Unlike my iPhone, I don't think it's me.
I'm a normal girl. I'm not an average kind of person. I can afford things I don't need. But I'm down to earth and giving. I use what I want, give the rest away. I'm not selfish or ungrateful. I give a lot back to this universe. I have so much to give. I'm so very very happy to give what I can.
Almost 30! One year to go!!!!!!!! I'd better get this list marked off,,,,,
Ps- happy early birthday to me! Thank you Coach for a beautiful watch!!!
Xoxox
Four of seven....from my old blog.
I am pretty excited. Actually, I feel like a 12 year old girl.
Here I am sitting on a train traveling. Yes, a train. Yes, for traveling. I'm headed to Sydney from Canberra.
When I was a young girl I used to read books with settings that required the heroine to travel away from her home via the train. I can actually even visualize the books I would read with these train rides.
Of course the rides were never detailed in the books, but always taking the girl to/from the train station.
I imagine now that my travels (4.5 hours) are a bit different. I was surprised to hear that we would be stopping at various places along the way. I don't know why. Makes sense. But honestly, I guess I never really think about things. I really need to work on that.
Expectations that I don't even realize I have are kind of shocking when I realize the they are there. I guess, I just expected to head straight to Sydney. Everyone traveling here was going to the same place as myself. Oops, wrong.
Anyway, here I am in 'First Class' for $55 dollars. I have a shit ton of leg room and a table in front of me. I have a window view I see the towns passing me by then farms, then towns. Over and over.
It's raining at the moment, don't be surprised, this is the story so far of Australia. Really. The grass is green. The sun has set and it's dusk. I'm jamming to my tunes on my iPad or iPod, depends on what I'm doing at moment. When blogging, its the pad. When perusing a magazine or just thinking, I'm on the pod. I have Cosmo with g-spot GPS and Beyonce on the front. A fluorescent pink. Her dark skin is a beautiful contrast on the pink. Kudos to the designer for that.
I have a fruit salad, my protien bar and water beside my pen and paper on my table. There are no areas to play chess or bridge, as I always thought there would be on long train rides. The food bar is right in front of me smelling of meat pies and coffee.
They seats are a splashed blue and red and cream. If you've even been on a tour bus, you know exactly what the 'splash' is. It seems that every form of large public transport buy their fabric from the 'splash retro 80's, but trying to be neutral' store.
We're passing a golf course as I type this and it has a farm on one side, the train tracks on the other. It's not like the courses in the States that are big and round. This is long and rectangle. Maybe the farmer wouldn't sell his land? Who knows.
There is hardly anyone in first class, which just seems ridiculous to me. There were tons of people in the station, and only ten or so of us here with all this leg room for what $30 more? I can't see any reason not to travel back here. Lol
Anyway, just like long plane flights I have been thinking, which is never good when I have so much time on my hands.
I realize I have been to over half of the worlds continents. I want to finish and visit the last three.
My travels will continue after I head north to Cairnes to
Singapore
Italy
Greece
Amsterdam
London
New Zealand
Fiji
Bali
Japan
Guam
Nigeria
Kenya
Gautamala
Costa rica
India
And a cruise around Antartica
The last one excites me to no end. Hmmmm- it's going to take some planning. I know this. But I'm excited. I have said I'm not done traveling and Australia is boring me a bit.
I thought maybe I'd settle down here and try to pick up the pieces of my life, but I'm don't any to. Why should I? Erion isn't here yet, I have six months to cross these places off my list.
Here's the thing though, I would love to have a travel partner. I want that a lot.
But I'm slowly giving up this idea. At this moment, I'm okay knowing I won't have someone to share these travels with. I'll meet some friends in some of these places.
I have friends in London, Singapore, south Korea, Africa, amsterdam, and I always have rach for south America.
Yes, I love this idea. I have the next week to sit on the idea though. Won't be heading anywhere for a while considering I have four days in Sydney, three or so in Brisbane, three in airlie beach, and ten in Cairnes.
In the meantime, I'll continue my plan with looking for apartments and getting a job.
Xoxoxoxo
Here I am sitting on a train traveling. Yes, a train. Yes, for traveling. I'm headed to Sydney from Canberra.
When I was a young girl I used to read books with settings that required the heroine to travel away from her home via the train. I can actually even visualize the books I would read with these train rides.
Of course the rides were never detailed in the books, but always taking the girl to/from the train station.
I imagine now that my travels (4.5 hours) are a bit different. I was surprised to hear that we would be stopping at various places along the way. I don't know why. Makes sense. But honestly, I guess I never really think about things. I really need to work on that.
Expectations that I don't even realize I have are kind of shocking when I realize the they are there. I guess, I just expected to head straight to Sydney. Everyone traveling here was going to the same place as myself. Oops, wrong.
Anyway, here I am in 'First Class' for $55 dollars. I have a shit ton of leg room and a table in front of me. I have a window view I see the towns passing me by then farms, then towns. Over and over.
It's raining at the moment, don't be surprised, this is the story so far of Australia. Really. The grass is green. The sun has set and it's dusk. I'm jamming to my tunes on my iPad or iPod, depends on what I'm doing at moment. When blogging, its the pad. When perusing a magazine or just thinking, I'm on the pod. I have Cosmo with g-spot GPS and Beyonce on the front. A fluorescent pink. Her dark skin is a beautiful contrast on the pink. Kudos to the designer for that.
I have a fruit salad, my protien bar and water beside my pen and paper on my table. There are no areas to play chess or bridge, as I always thought there would be on long train rides. The food bar is right in front of me smelling of meat pies and coffee.
They seats are a splashed blue and red and cream. If you've even been on a tour bus, you know exactly what the 'splash' is. It seems that every form of large public transport buy their fabric from the 'splash retro 80's, but trying to be neutral' store.
We're passing a golf course as I type this and it has a farm on one side, the train tracks on the other. It's not like the courses in the States that are big and round. This is long and rectangle. Maybe the farmer wouldn't sell his land? Who knows.
There is hardly anyone in first class, which just seems ridiculous to me. There were tons of people in the station, and only ten or so of us here with all this leg room for what $30 more? I can't see any reason not to travel back here. Lol
Anyway, just like long plane flights I have been thinking, which is never good when I have so much time on my hands.
I realize I have been to over half of the worlds continents. I want to finish and visit the last three.
My travels will continue after I head north to Cairnes to
Singapore
Italy
Greece
Amsterdam
London
New Zealand
Fiji
Bali
Japan
Guam
Nigeria
Kenya
Gautamala
Costa rica
India
And a cruise around Antartica
The last one excites me to no end. Hmmmm- it's going to take some planning. I know this. But I'm excited. I have said I'm not done traveling and Australia is boring me a bit.
I thought maybe I'd settle down here and try to pick up the pieces of my life, but I'm don't any to. Why should I? Erion isn't here yet, I have six months to cross these places off my list.
Here's the thing though, I would love to have a travel partner. I want that a lot.
But I'm slowly giving up this idea. At this moment, I'm okay knowing I won't have someone to share these travels with. I'll meet some friends in some of these places.
I have friends in London, Singapore, south Korea, Africa, amsterdam, and I always have rach for south America.
Yes, I love this idea. I have the next week to sit on the idea though. Won't be heading anywhere for a while considering I have four days in Sydney, three or so in Brisbane, three in airlie beach, and ten in Cairnes.
In the meantime, I'll continue my plan with looking for apartments and getting a job.
Xoxoxoxo
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