We signed a lease!

I'm so excited. My boy and I are finally finally moving into a flat by ourselves. 

I can't wait. It's been such a long time coming. 

Our apartment: 

I can't wait for us to buy furniture, decorate, and have our own little place. 

Every night we come home to just the two of us, making dinner together, waking up with no one else in the house, having SEX whenever we want, wherever we want, as loud as we want. Eeek! 

"Whatever."~Said in my best 1995 Clueless voice.

For what seems like eternity ago, I was sitting in front of my laptop and I realized that I had lost my spark.  If you look back in my posts, you won't be able to find that realization, as I've removed it from my public blog. However, I did post about it.  It was upsetting and for the longest time, I thought that had defined me.

Sometimes, even I don't believe this. 

The other night PIB and I were laying in bed after a very serious conversation, he gave me a hug and said; at least your spark is back.  In that moment, I realized he hadn't known what my spark was to realize that that wasn't true.

Today I sit and think about what is my spark.  I've fought having it for so long.  Now that it's been missing for a year and a bit, I am desperate to have it back.  Maybe in a different form.  I want the force I didn't realize I had.  I want the drive and desire that led me to some of my greatest moments in life.

Although, as I sit here and really think about the person who gave me insight to this spark of mine, and I think of a conversation of a friend who has just met him.  "He's so vanilla."   Maybe I've never had spark.  Perhaps, my spumoni just never mixed with his vanilla.

I can't say I believe that wholeheartedly.  While he was very plain and boring (as well as intellectual and adventurous) he was insightful.  So with that, I need to figure out where my place is in the world.  I have finally, (after some serious nudging from my boy) decided what I will go to Uni for.  I believe, I will own my own business again.  I think regaining my spark will be tangled with settling down and having structure.  Although, at the same time, PIB is quite lazy and not motivational, I fear I will mesh with his personality and lose that side of me completely.  My fear of settling is quite grave.  As much as I love the boy with my entire being, my fear does define me at times.

I have realized that I can't make people see the world the way I see it.  I have to let go of things that I can't control.  This means changing who I am.  So instead of seeking out a similar minded person; I stay with someone because love them.  Today, I react to something that is so important to me by shutting down.  Walking away, crying silently, but not pushing.  Perhaps the old me with my spark would push.  I know the old me with spark would push.  The new me, just ignores.  Walks away from the situation in pure defiance.  Neither I suppose can be healthy.  I can't make someone want to give me something.  I just can't.  So, if you choose not to talk; then I'll respond in the manner I see I need to.  I've said this before, and I'll say it again; just because my response to a situation is different then an expectation, (or non expectation I assume in this case) then you can't be upset because it played out exactly as it should have.  So I'll shut down.  Stop showing so much excitement and keep my head down, moving forward. Its what you asked for without even knowing it.

In the meantime, I will keep my spark in the back of my mind for later review.

When to walk away?

In 1998, the best president we ever had was impeached due to some stupid moves on his part.  To take it one step further, the more he backed himself into a corner in his fear to protect himself, the less sense he made.  An infamous quote by said president was, "It depends upon what the meaning of the word 'is' is"?

Oh dear, question of the day.  How far do you fight stupidity before you've stooped to their level?  At what point do you look at the conversation, no matter how unemotional and/or logical it is, and just say, "Dear Lord, why am I having this conversation?"

It's easy to be caught up in someone else's drama.  With any relationship, regardless of the technicalities, we bring emotion to situations.  This emotion exacerbates the situation in one direction or another.  When should we step back and realize that perhaps we've lost the fight?  We, for whatever reason, can't be trusted to open our own mouth.  When to walk away.

Some recognize their fate; while others do everything they can to change it.

An offer is only as good as the follow through.

I've had this picture in my drafts for oh so long and I have been waiting for the perfect time to use it. I think this is the moment.   

I'm struggling at the moment with trying to understand what the universe is telling me. I think it's saying its time to leave here. I do love Australia - but the actual act of living here is taking a toll on me. As PIB supports me through this time, it's taking a toll on our relationship. And everyone in the house makes random off the wall comments about me not working. I'm over it. 

It's funny to me that people are only defined by the work they do. It makes sense, but seriously- I'm not choosing to be unemployed. Well- I guess in a sense I have in order to maintain this relationship however, it's sinking faster than I can blink an eye.  What little of the communication we do have is breaking down quickly. Short tempers and misunderstandings have brought us to this moment. 

Love isn't all you need. You need other things because at the end of the day, you can't count on others to make you happy. And that's all love is- happiness. I don't feel loved when we're fighting. Or loved when he's impatient. Or loved when I can't say anything without him jumping off the handle. 

I'm in a shitty mood. I recognize that. But at this moment in time- I'm severely depressed with my lack of options given to me by the DIAC.  I'm unsure of how long I can keep going at this rate. 

PIB has promised to take care of me. With those promises I made the changes to my life to move forward in this relationship.  When he's mad or upset its thrown in my face that I'm not working or that I don't even make him happy. That's stressful for me. Last weekend when we broke up is something I haven't recovered from. I still feel broken. Still feel as though we aren't whole. I can't fix it. I'm not that invested at the moment. I don't want to push through with this visa feeling this way. With that being the case; I need to leave Australia. As soon as I sell my blue car, ill pay off my credit card, take my black car back to the dealership and split. 

No one stays by your side for as long as they promise. It's just not possible. 

Dear Alec,

Hello, I'm not sure if we will ever meet.  It seems he tries very hard to keep his past in the past.  I've asked about his friends and loved ones from the time before me; but he doesn't want to open up.  Last week, I mentioned that we were coming to Sydney so we should meet.  He is more than reluctant.

You must know when he told me he was bisexual, it was a shock to my core.  While I've always supported same sex relationships, it hadn't directly affected me.  I know of his past mainly from what he's told me and I know a little about you, mainly from facebook stalking your profile.  I try and make a safe environment for him.  Try to let him know that I embrace his past, but he still doesn't let me in.

So I bypass him and go straight to you.  Part of myself wonders why its so important to write this to you but another part of me knows.   Even though he and I are in a monogamous relationship, I fight with my beliefs that he shouldn't want anyone else.  Along with the scared feelings that if he ever decides to head back to NSW that we will be in the vicinity of things he will miss.  I told him that if he  ever feels the need to have sex with a guy it should be with you and/or your partner.

He has told me of you and your partner and him.  This gives me some comfort that he won't leave me for either of you.  It also scares me if he ever was to spend time away from me with his friends from Sydney.  While I've spoken of my fears, it's different to tell another person of them.  I'm scared that he'll drink a lot and want to have sex with guys.  Mainly, if he's around someone he's slept with before, then it will be easier for him to be okay with a proposition.  He reassures me this isn't the case.  But cognitively, I know there are things I can't give him that as a guy he's attracted to can.

So here's what I need, I know its possible to love many people at the same time.  My own issues are having sex with more than one person at a time.  Seeing as I feel he does need that, I am working on my own to learn to accept this as something he will need in the future.  You're his past and I'm his future, but there isn't any reason we can't meet. 

I'm asking that you please only sleep with him when you know you have my permission.  When maybe we've all talked about it.  When I've had a chance to process this in my head and accept it.  So it doesn't feel like he's cheating on me.  This gives him a chance to have things he yearns for without me feeling like he's stealing something special from us.  This also allows me to trust you when he is on a guys weekend away from me.  He can then have fun on his guys weekend without me, literally, sick with worry about what specifically this guys weekend might entail.

I don't think he should cut you out of his life just because I'm here and maybe being a girl I don't necessarily understand your friendship.   I'm never happy cutting anyone out of my life, not for any other person.  While he seems perfectly happy to let your friendship slide away.  I can only assume it's friendship that you guys have and not just sex?  But then again I don't know. 

Either way, I go through moments in time where I am scared shitless that I won't be able to compete with his needs.  Or give him what he desires.  Thus, I have concluded I would rather him sleep with someone that I'm comfortable. 

So here is my olive branch and please work with me through my time of insecurities.  I can't wait to meet you.

I'm happily a waterfall.

Have you ever thought of yourself as a body of water?  No, I haven't either.  But an ex-fling described me as a waterfall once.  He said my energy would drain him and therefore, he could never see us together.  I was telling a mutual friend that this ex had found a new girl. I told this friend, i'm happy for the new couple as they are perfect for one another.   She is more like what he'd want, a pond.

calm.  placid. 

this friend said, oh tash-i'd never want to be described as a pond. 

me either kate.  me either.

Ha- Fuck you for not wanting to be a character in my story.

Damn you 801

I'm feeling like a useless sack lately.

We've submitted the application for my new visa.  Four grand out the door.  It makes me sick that I can't contribute financially.  Sinking the ship before we have a real chance to even see where we can go.  The boy hasn't said anything in regards to how he feels about it; although did mention, after I said I was stressed about it, that he was stressed.  I need to get back on my feet.  Letting him take care of me is the most unnatural thing in the entire world.

I need to be able to give 50% so its a shared life.

I've been such an awful girlfriend.

The first time the Boy told me he loved me I didn’t say it back.  I couldn’t.  I rolled the information: the words, the sound of his voice, the way I laid in his arms as he said it, running his fingers through my hair.  I know how difficult it was for him to tell me that.  I didn’t want to say it to him until I knew I meant it. 

Ever since then, I have doubted that he loved me.  I paid little attention to the fact he would show me in his own way.  I’ve been blind to something so obvious.  Completely right in front of me.   This weekend I realized that he does love me.   He applied what we were learning in therapy.  He persevered.  He tried several times, gave me my 1 hour…..okay 24 hours.  He broke down my walls and he didn’t even realize it.  He did all the right things.  ALL THE RIGHT THINGS!   It makes me happy.    I’m so thrilled.  I don’t know how to tell him.  I don’t know how to properly express how much I absolutely adore him.  

This is seriously the first time, maybe that I’ve noticed, but have really felt as though he pushed through for something he wanted.  Fought for me when I was hurting.  Waited for me, then came back when he felt I had some time.

Maybe I’m making it all up in my head.  But its okay.  I don’t mind.  Because I love my boy more than I have ever loved him.   It comes from out of nowhere; but I do love him more and more all the time.  

Three years later, my POV is still expanding

It's been two months since my fingers have graced the laptop in a manner of pleasure.  No, don't get me wrong, I've had my fair share of porn searches.  Its my last post.  Its been exactly two months since my last post.  Why have you stopped writing you ask?  Well, to be honest, you probably haven't noticed.  I know for the most part I haven't noticed.

My life has been a bit emotional as of late.  At this point, I've chosen not to disclose that on this space of mine.  But I suppose its time to use my outlet to get some of my current anguish out. 

I have just finished reading an article.   The house is full and noisy here.  I'm looking forward to moving into a place where I don't know the people.  Therefore, don't feel as though I'm failing them as a friend when I hide away as a recluse and keep myself hidden from the world.  Poor M and K can't wait to have us out of the house.  For more than one reason I would think.  In my mind, the main bad reasons.  In my conscious mind, I know they have their good reasons as well.

Either way.  I've been attending therapy.  Its the first time I've been on this side of the chair.   I'm not learning much to be fair.   The guy is telling me things I've already studied on my own.  Although, hearing it from a third party who isn't in the habit of agreeing with me is always a plus.  I've spent my entire last two - three years trying to change who I am.  Trying to find a place of peace that I can be comfortable in. 

I must say that I'm content with who I am, at this point.  I'm happy with who I've become, with one exception.  I still don't think I'm good in relationships.  I still end up being the tree.

Fucking tree.

I want to just think about the article I just read though. 


1.  You are not your mind.

We've been reviewing this in therapy.  Thoughts are no more fundamental than smell, touch, and taste.  Its part of the overall experience you have in life.  The first session, I mentioned being in emotional mind vs. wise mind.  The therapist brought up a point that I absolutely love.  He said be in emotional intelligence.   He said because you need you wise mind and emotional mind; your heart and your brain, to have all of the answers.  You shouldn't make a choice without having all input.  Brilliant. 

2.  Life unfolds in moments.

This is something I've been struggling and failing with.  Living in the moment.  I sometimes I think I have it mastered and then I realize, I'm not even close.  There is enough fault in that statement alone.  Once you feel you're done learning, you realize you've fucked yourself, because there is so much more to learn.  Thus, I know I don't live in the moment.  I know that I don't enjoy what is right here in front of me.  I continue to look at the big picture.  How will this moment feel in the future?  Will I have regrets?  Will this moment define who I am?  These questions aren't the questions I should be asking.  In fact, I shouldn't be asking anything.  I shouldn't be questioning or assessing.  I should be noting and enjoying.  Respecting time as a moment.  Feeling with my soul.   I still have so much to learn in life.  I need to stop closing life's doors.  There will be other moments in which I can allow myself to assess my life.  Times like now. 

3.  Your quality of life depends on how you deal with your moments.

As life gets longer, awful feels softer.  That's food for thought.  Breakups get easier, leaving gets less painful.  Heartache doesn't last as long.  Sex no longer feels intimate.  We get complacent, accepting, passive.  Fuck that.  I want to feel.  I want to love.  I want to be excited.  I want to be happy.  Over.  The.  Moon.  This decision will lead me to a fulfilling life.

4.  Most of life is imaginary.

So true.  I live in a fantasy world.  Both sexually and elsewise.  Real life is scary.  I'm too trusting.  And too cynical apparently.  What an oxymoron.  What a shitty way to live my life.  You know what I've enjoyed most about therapy?  That he has shown me a way to take ownership of situations.  Even if its someone else's fault.  Sometimes people don't realize what this guy has posted.  Sometimes people don't know how their interactions effect others.  I've been working pretty hard on understanding how my reactions affect who I am as a person.  Trying to realize that it doesn't matter if others understand things at the same level as myself.  And walking away from a situation knowing that I, myself, have seen a situation from another's point of view.  I've been trying to ascertain how my own thought map and emotions and feelings, my past experiences have such a massive influence on how I perceive life.  How I interact with others.  I'm working on being less selfish in a different manner.

5. Human beings have evolved to suffer.

6. Emotions exist to make us biased.

7.  Two motivations: fulfill desires and escape suffering.

All destructive behavior is unconscious.  I can't say that I 100% believe this to its fullest.  I do however, believe that there are a lot of ones actions that come out of nowhere, of which, one will then defend because they feel its what they should do.  Instead of assessing where those feelings/actions have come from, they just assume its correct.  Only once you have been able to see the world in a different place, will you be able to understand that your rash instinct isn't always correct.  Isn't always.  BUT understanding that at times, it is spot on.

8.  Beliefs are nothing to be proud of.

This one leaves me speechless.  I absolutely love this line of thought.  I enjoy its point of view, its raw truth and the pure honesty.  I like knowing that some people will argue this idea. I love that this new way of seeing life.  Eek!  Super exciting. 

9.  Objectivity is subjective.


Here's the thing, its been three years since I started blogging.  So much has changed.  My entire life has changed to be honest.  The best thing about it though?  The best thing is that I'm still growing and learning.  <3 p="">

xoxoxoxo

 

Its simple. CHOSE. to be. HAPPY.

"If there were such a thing as sin, this would be it: to allow yourself to become what you are because of the experience of others." ~ Conversations with God, Neale Donald Walsch

This weekend I have been fired up by the book, "The Giving Tree." 

I have written a post about this book before.  It's been over a year since that last post; but, I still feel the exact same. 

This weekend I read the book to PIB, he didn't even see the tree.  He said what he took away from the book was that the boy changed his priorities as he grew older.  I was upset to the umpteenth degree about his reaction.  I then took it to a sleepover with the girls.

Amber's response was that the same as mine.  Mel said it could be the love of a mother and a son.  And Nicole simply said, "But she chose to be happy."  With a smile on her face and amazement in her eyes, she said, "I love the book."  She loved it.  Loved how the tree gave.  Loved how the boy came back. And loved how she decided to be happy in the end. 

This brought me to obsess about this book all weekend.  And even a bit today.  But draws me to stop and think about this.  I don't want to be the tree.  Believe me.  My views have not changed.  If anything, my views about this book has evolved into a deeper meaning in which I must remember to be mindful enough to replenish myself as I give.  To not allow someone to take advantage of me while I'm feeling deliriously happy due to the fact someone is giving me attention.  Its given me more insight into the idea that I shouldn't allow myself to figure out other peoples problems to the extent I would allow myself to be cut up to nothing. 

HOWEVER!  I do need to be living more in the moment.  I know I've said this before.  I know I've blogged about my need to be mindful.  I know that I've tried to find this lily pad for so long.  Thus, I'm reiterating these things in my life.

I'm writing down the things I love about my boy.  Making a happiness jar.  Pulling from these memories as I need them.  Living in the moment of the good.  Focusing on the positive.  So that I am less negative.  This is who I want to be.  I can do it.  I know it.  I'm going to do it.

I don't want negative experiences of the past to limit my happiness of the now.  I chose to be happy.

xoxox

We get it....

xkcd.com

Urgh-i feel like screaming this to heather.  You like dan.  got it.  no get over it.  jesus.

ˈin-tə-mət

"The sun loved the moon so much, he died every night to let her breathe"

I love being intimate.

You know, its just me and him.  I can feel his hands on my knee.   The sparkle in his eye.  A tiny smile plays on his lips.  We don't have to be alone.  I love when he slips his hand onto my lower back or pushes his check toward my lips. 

Its the simple knowledge that he's mine.  It makes my heart swell.  Knowing things about him that others don't even think about or better, know. 

A glance.  A smile.  Something between him and I.

I thrive on that in a relationship.  I need it to function.  I love being close to him. I love experiencing the same things as him. 

I love catching the eye of this boy I admire from across the way.  I love when he gives me a tiny wink to say, "I love you."

I love getting a light hug, a sweet little kiss, a tiny slap on the butt.

I love when you go to leave the room, but can't quite leave until you come back and give me one last kiss.  Its like that moment is required for you to continue your day.  The way you reach for me a night to snuggle.  Pulling me close to you as if I'm your security blanket. 

When I catch those quick and quiet glances I let my heart melt and feel at peace because I was just told without words that I'm loved.

H.E. loves me.  I know this without  needing to stand by him while we're out or be with him 100 percent of my day.   

I love doing different things and coming back to him.

I love the way he takes care of me without even thinking about it.    Bringing me home my favorite drink.  Doing the dishes at night.  These little things are tiny strings that make us stronger.

I loved the day you grabbed my nose and said, remember the good times.  So this, babe, is me remembering the good times.  Me loving that you are not the same as the boys in my past.  Me loving you for loving me.

In regards to my post yesterday-

My post yesterday was not judging people by their highlight reel and it didn't go where I had intended.  When I was running, I was thinking about the post about other peoples fitness and such.  My main thoughts were about a body builder and bikini competitor named Jenny.

She's in her mid-40's and posts about struggles with food and such.  I guess, a point that can be added to yesterdays blog is that even the best struggle.  And for what?

This is her post via facebook:

"Feedback in bullets from this past weekend's competition... All of which I knew going in but it was so helpful to hear it from the panel:
1) Too lean
2) Too vascular
3) Too hard
4) Glutes need work

Like I said, nothing new. I'll write more about it later, and I have been adding a ton of my feelings and pics to my Instagram account (FYI), but I know this time at age 42, I brought my best package y...et to the stage. Getting too lean continues to be an issue. Crazy. But it's the reality. I know my physique has changed a lot in the last few years. I've put on some hard earned muscle which I really really really wanted. I've brought out my lats. I've pulled back my shoulders. I've got round little hamys. I've worked so hard. But on stage, I was like a fish out of water. I stood next to some absolutely beautiful and equally deserving gorgeous figure competitors, and had I been at the judges table, I too would have docked me down and gave higher placements to others. I'm super proud of each of them, and I am still very proud of me. Remember...the journey..."

 

She struggles just like we do.  Albeit at a different level, a struggle nonetheless.

 

She has a blog that I sometimes read.  I used to follow it for the food, but she's changed into a more personal blog about her struggles with getting ready for her competitions, which is perfectly okay, just not something I need to read.

 

Although, with that said, her blog fits perfectly in my post for yesterday because you can see even the best (and yes, I do think she is one of the best) have their troubles.....so NO judging from the highlight reel people!!

 

Jenny's playground can be found below:

 

http://jen-fits-playground.com/2013/07/i-can-do-hard-things/

 

I'm a fire

When I see him, a rush of insecurities come flying back into my brain.  All of the things he ever said to me that I've taken to heart comes flooding back.  And I get lost in those thoughts.  With that, feelings of needing to prove him wrong comes back with such a force it takes my breath away.

Just as I think I'm drowning, I catch a glimpse of my safe harbor and I reach out and land safely in the arms of the one who loves me for me.  He sees my mess, feels every ounce of my passion and still embraces me for me.  He calls me beautiful and tells me he'll be there until the end of time.  He knows my flaws and tells me he loves me anyway.

A conversation with Mat today brought out a realization that I hadn't seen before.  He is my mirror and when he's at his worst, I can think "this is how I am at my worst" and this is an opportunity for me to step back and say, this is how difficult I can be.  What would I want him to do for me in this moment.

I am cognitively going to take this on and apply this to our relationship.    Because at the end of the day, this boy isn't afraid of my flames or the heat, he knows the pressure from these makes a diamond, not sand.

With my shoulders back, I let my hips swing and my feet fall......

I'm not a runner.  I tell myself that I am, but I'm not.  I see girls who are running and I am jealous.  Not for those skinny girls but the bigger ones.  I saw a girl running the other day, up hill.  She was large and I watched her as we passed and she didn't stop running up hill at all.  Not when people passed her, not when she ran past five shops, not at all.

I was so impressed.  I am always impressed when I see people running.  You see their brow furrowing and their breaths are so heavy their shoulders are taking a beating.  Huffing and puffing, you can always assume a runner is 12 miles into their run, no matter how far they actually are. 

I want to know their backstory; have you always run, what got you started, how do you keep going, do you race, what are your goals, why aren't you listening to music??

I have found that running clears my mind.  It gives me energy and makes me feel fantastic.  It has always been a stress reliever for me.  Whether it be my boss or my partners, people would see I'd be stressed and they would say, take a break-go run. 

I want to let go of my insecurities of running.  I don't know the other persons story therefore, I can't judge them against myself.  I don't know what their goals were when they started.  I can't compare apples to apples. 

In the same respect, don't be intimidated by me.  I might not be huffing and puffing, but that's because I'm 2 miles into my 3 and I've walked the last 1.2 miles.  I am not in shape.  I don't even know what that means to be fair.  I've always struggled with my weight and my breathing and my pant size. 

I just want to say to the girl I passed on the trail, I'm sorry for passing you.  Its not because I'm better its only because my legs are longer and my stride is deeper.  I couldn't help it.  I couldn't comfortably keep your pace, although I would have liked to.

Although- I have a question, is there an app out there that lets me keep my pace and tells me if I'm above it or below it?  I am looking to run about 9/min/mile for all 3 miles of my jog, but I can't seem to keep a steady pace.  Thus looking for an app that screams at me if I go faster or slower than my set speed. 

Just an idea........

I'm sorry I make the bed wet

Actually, I'm sorry of what happens to the pillows with me making the bed wet.  I'm also sorry that you get upset about me making the bed wet.

BUT let me tell you something, I LOVE coming into bed after my warm shower.  I love snuggling up in my towel with my wet hair and warm body.  I curl up in the corner with my mass of pillows and grab my laptop and type and read and think.  I love it. 

So while I can't feel remorse for the bed wetting, I do feel slightly guilty that you hate it so and I won't stop.

Tell whoever said, "running away isn't the way" to fuck off.

For a while now, I've wanted to take a moment from life and sit down to pen my thoughts.  Not just any ordinary thoughts, because we all know I have a zillion; but my thoughts on why running away is such a great idea.

When I left my husband, I immediately started to travel.  By travel, I don't mean to the next town or state, I mean, I flew to the other side of the world.  For about a year after I left my hometown of Emlenton Pa, for anywhere in Australia, my mom would ask me, "When are you going to stop running?" or "What are you running from?" 

To outsiders; the answer seemed easy enough: myself.  And friends would post "inspirational" sayings on my facebook wall, " no matter where you go, there you are."

I didn't have an answer for my mom and friends, and for a while I thought the answer could be my old life or my family.  However, I can sit down, two years later, and say I wasn't running away from anything. 

In all honesty, I had always wanted to travel, to see the world and had always felt as though I had bigger plans than getting married and having kids.  My decision to leave that life by getting a divorce from the one who held me back was only the first step toward becoming who I am.  I have become more free spirited and a seeker of all things that make me happy. I dream big hairy audacious dreams.  I've changed for the better!  I am now someone who cares where my food comes from.  I am someone who has finally learned to cook.  I am now able to say I am not afraid of the future or being alone.  I do yoga and run for fun!  I have become what I've always dreamed of being!

“Pitiful is the person who is afraid of taking risks. Perhaps this person will never be disappointed or disillusioned; perhaps she won’t suffer the way people do when they have a dream to follow. But when that person looks back – and at some point everyone looks back – she will hear her heart saying, “What have you done with the miracles that God planted in your days? What have you done with the talents God bestowed on you? You buried yourself in a cave because you were fearful of losing those talents. So this is your heritage; the certainty that you wasted your life.”
-Paulo Coelho

People no longer feel as though I'm out of my  mind, while they can't understand why I've chosen the life I have.  In all honesty, the fact my path wasn't the same as theirs was astounding to them and the abrupt way I left shocked them into gossip.  As they see the person I've become and my happiness, they no longer suggest I seek counseling for being reckless and childish.    They have learned, I hope, to appreciate my taste for a different life. 

I sit here on a beautiful winter day in shorts and tee, comfortable with this place I have settled on as home.  I want to shout from the roof tops to all those who feel trapped in their mundane lives, "RUN!"  The key to your freedom is hidden in your heart and only you should guide your future.  Your mind has been fed by society and what you know around you; but your heart has always known what you want.

Run away, look back, make wise decisions, feel fear, make mistakes with confidence, fail with a smile, return home without shame, and leave again when you're rested.  You'll have stories to tell  and people to meet, sex to be had, love to fall in and out of, but most importantly, you'll cut the weeds away to see your true path in life.

You have the power to say this is not how your story will end and every misstep you take and every success you have is another paragraph in your book of life.

So WRITE on and run away!


xoxoxoxo



* this post is dedicated to my dear friend PK who knows that living doesn't mean in a box.  She has taken life's chances and said, I know that I'm the one who writes my story.  She doesn't allow shit to bog her down and is famous for her support in my life to do the same!  It's also dedicated to a friend of mine who once told me, "I don't know why you're choosing what you are, but even though I don't understand, doesn't mean I can't support you in your happiness."  Thanks YM.

I didn't steal anything; just trying to recover my sanity.

 

This is a good quote to coincide with the reason I was upset

I think today is a good day to get caught up on Mad Men season five and to spend it emotionally eating as one does.  Last night was the first night in over a year that I went for a run when I was upset.  Its funny to me how one forgets things they used to do.  I remember pushing aside my fears of the night to go for night runs.  Funny thing is, is if I get lost in the movement and my breathing I forget that I'm afraid of the dark.  However, I realize how much I love running at night. 

"Running at night: People think you stole something."

Its the best emotion relief.  To run.  It clears your head when you have cluttered it with thoughts.  To slip your shoes on and walk out the door and smell the night time air.  Its probably, easily, the most beautiful part of the entire 24 hours of a day.  The stars and the city lights.  The silence of everyone who isn't there.  Running past homes with their lights on and you can hear families in the kitchen or watching TV.  Why am I not running at night more often?  It allows for the cover of darkness so you can be alone in this big world.  Its beautiful.  I am going to start doing that more often.

I'm going to get back the things I love doing, one at a time.

Today: my wish is for the innocence I lost before my desires took over.

I am now plagued with the curse of wanting to be a published writer.  I have envy that I have never had before.  Today: my wish is for the innocence I lost before my desires took over.

I can't help it.  As someone who has been writing my entire life, my first novel was at the age of 13.  I feel as though this nipping from Elephant Journal is exactly what my hungry libido is in need of.  I crave the simple acknowledgement that someone else officially things my ramblings are worthy of a spot on their blog. 

Who can help it?  I mean, I had given up trying to "make it."  I was successfully turned away from every project I had submitted as a kid.  As I aged, I realized that many people in life have dreams of having their thoughts heard by the world, and then they grew up.  They moved on to be other things, like doctors, lawyers, and maybe strippers.  Who knows.  Me?  Well, I haven't turned out to be much.  Someone who seeks happiness instead of letting it come to me.  Someone who loses interest in things far too quickly.  In fact, one of the things Elephant Journal told me about my writings is that they're too short!  haha, what else should I write I about I think?  So then, I go into overload and start rambling.  Surely they don't want rambles? 

I guess we shall see. 

I have enlisted some friends of mine to help me with the rewrites.  I'm looking for changes that maybe used in my rewrites.  Anything really, but mainly, I'm seeking their personal opinions on the data I sent them.  I would hate to have my writings offend anymore people.

FUCK!  I want to shout off the roof tops how excited I am.  But then don't want to jinx myself.  patience my inpatient self.  If its meant to happen it will.  Zen.  Mindfulness.  All this stuff that I learned over the last few years is going to come in handy while I pretend to wait patiently on my lily pad. 

Enough.  Off to do some real writing.....I have another idea for a submission.  

Adios!

Step into the mess for a bit.

Hello again, my little piece of the world.  I have been gone for a week or so.  While it is true I have not showed my face here, my mind has been here the entire time.  Although, to be 100% honest, I have been cheating with a new blog space.  I'm obsessing about my body again and have decided to start a new blog: http://cleaneatingwithadirtymind.blogspot.com  For the last few years I've been vowing that I want to take some cooking classes and/or learn to cook.  With no employment at the moment, and the uncertainty of what lays ahead, I haven't wanted to invest too much into volunteering so I'm taking this time to enjoy the kitchen.

What else do you ask?  Well,  PIB and I went rock climbing on Sunday.  It was a beautiful day here in Brisbane.  The entire time I was on the wall I was blogging in my head.  The feel of the rock under my fingertips, the trust you put in your shoes, the hard and longer  you climb, the warmer you'd get.  There were so many parallels with life when climbing, I just couldn't stop the thoughts.

Thus a entire post was blogged in my mind while climbing bottle stopper at KP.  However, I didn't take any opportunity to write it down and thus, I can only write about thinking about my post.  I took forever to get up the climb though.  Poor PIB was wondering what the heck I was doing - Bottle Stopper is only a 14; however, I would pause at easy holds and feel up the wall.  In all honesty, I was thinking about how many options we have in life and how when we don't trust the elements in front of us; we tend to take a different path.  Even if we know ourselves and we know the other information is solid.  If we hesitate, we don't get the same results then if we just jump into things.  I was also thinking how its funny that when you grab a really nice hold, if you didn't think about your next move before taking that hold and moving on, then you might be fucked in the end when your decision to hold on to the "marriage hold" left you in a bind further up the wall.  Therefore, sequencing is a good idea, not just when you're on the ground, but all the way through the climb.  Just because something looks perfect from one point of view, it might not take you where you need to go once you're in a different point of view.

Blah, blah.  Okay, enough of my babbling for now.

xoxoxoxo

Boudoir

I'm on a new mission.  This mission is to find my body again.   When I left Nathan, I had gained so much weight.  Mainly due to the birth control, of which we could tell due to when I stopped my birth control I dropped 20 pounds right off the top.  That encouraged me to continue to work hard.

I've always done some sort of exercise.  I've never been good at it and have always strived to enjoy it. In the end, the realization that I keep doing it does mean I enjoy it.  I love the results, how I feel, and the community of people it draws in.  In the last two years, I've found it very difficult to work out, managing to get little workouts here and there.  In the past maybe, six or so months, I've put on some noticeable weight.  I've spent the last two weeks working toward a workout goal and plan.

Gym three days a week, rock climbing two - three days per week, and cardio at least two days a week.  I haven't been faithful to cardio (but when have it?).  I am also trying to get my eating under control.  I notice now that it takes more for me to feel fuller.  I need to retrain my stomach to realize when its full.  So I have some massive amounts of work to do.

I have noticed some small improvements in my body over the last week.  I'm thankful that my body has some awesome memory.  It doesn't take me long to regain my strength and shape; however, its the persistence that I am needing at the moment. 

I've decided the best way to get myself motivated is another photo shoot.  Super excited about this one.  The last one I wasn't heavily prepared.  So for this one, I will be.  I'm scheduling it for September .....one year anniversary and two months of hard work. 

I need to stop craving sugar!! Desperately!  Kara is making some yummy paleo treats.  Which is good for me, because like her, they stop my sugar cravings. 

Goals:

• Thinner Legs
• Flatter belly
• Bubbly butt
• 1:58/ 500 m Row
• 1000 meters in four minutes
• Squat 50kg ten times
• Run 5k once a week
• Drink more water

So that's 8 runs, 8 weeks of workouts, less chocolate, pee more, and one cheat meal per week.

I've got this.

A girl knows.

This is generally a place I can bare my soul.  And for the last two to three years, I've been successful at doing that with no to limited reservations.

Today, is going to be one of those days.  It hasn't happened in quite sometime. 

Last night at climbing was different.  The glances.  The awkwardness.  I'd just like to document on this day, I know something aside from friendship has commenced.  He looked guilty.  They kept their distance with one another.  They are both awkward about it.  I'm pleased to announce that I'm feeling nothing.  And I need to note this here because of the fear I felt about the idea of them together.

But even with PIB and I having hard times lately, I feel nothing toward this thought.  I feel nothing toward him.  Its such a huge accomplishment for me.  I have spent the last year feeling as though we had some things unresolved, but in all honesty, we don't.    This, makes me happy.

Sad, that I've wasted the time....but happy that I'm over it. 

Now, to onto PIB and me.  We're strained.  We're both always on edge with one another.  This makes me wanting to apply for this visa even less.  I don't want to go into spending this amount of money, him sell his car and we break up.  I think in all honesty, I need to see him less at this moment.  I love him to pieces, but we get under each others skin at the moment.  We need some time apart.  Sometime to do whatever we want without the other person and just see each other on a limited basis. 

Not sure how he would take that.  Worse, how we would do it.  So we just sit by and watch our relationship crumble.  Maybe its not crumbling?  We have a good foundation.  I know that.  We both enjoy each others company.  We trust one another.  We spent the other night going over what we felt was needed.  I know we love each other.  We both know love isn't enough.  I don't know how to take what we've built and make it what we want for the future.  I don't want to leave him.  I know this.  I know I want to be with him.  I just don't know how to make it happen.  Not force it.  Isn't that what I've learned the last few years?  Butterfly, lillypad....you know.  patience and persistence. 

I love this boy so much.  He makes my heart swell thinking about him.  Even after a year.  I get butterflies when I see him or catch him looking at me.  Although, I find him doing that less.  I guess that might be one thing I've had a problem with.  Before, I felt like he wanted to be with me and wanted to do things with me and he seemed to put effort in.  That is gone.  Or heavily diminished to be fair.  He did help me at the gym today.  THAT was perfect!  Exactly what I needed.  Encouraged me to keep going.  Helped me with the heavier weights.  Was very good.  Albeit boring as fuck for him! hahaha.....that's what makes me love him though.  Things that he does for me.  lately, I just feel really like he doesn't want to do anything.  He goes to work, comes home, watches tv....sleeps.  He doesn't mind rock climbing in there somewhere, although we've always been different when we went to the gym.  I climb casually, chatting away with friends and pushing myself gently, whilst he pushes himself the whole time.  Minimal talk.  More climbing.  haha  He needs his old group of friends to climb with.  That would make him happier I think.  Although, I want him to push me to be better.  I want him to be stronger and pave the way for me to follow.  Maybe that isn't going to be our thing.  I can handle that. 

In the meantime, I need to figure out what is going wrong.  What is the thorn in our side.  How to fix it.  Make things right with us.  hmmmmm........

patience.  understanding.  kindness.  openness.   I want us.  I want him.  How to save it before I damage it. 

ə fékshən

It's pretty clear to me that I have no idea how relationships work.  I don't understand how two people can walk away with the same experiences and same insights on the same thing, thus allowing them to be happy ever after.

I see very different things then the people in my life.  My actions seem, to others, out of turn or unexpected.  When, for me, it was a natural course of action.  The next step.  The obvious choice.

As I pack up today, I know I should have handled things differently.  I should have stopped from getting upset and thus spoken about the situation I saw at hand.  Where is the line?  Where does "you're nagging the shit out of me because you want to talk all the time," cross over with, "you close down because you don't want to fight about this."  I don't understand.  And trust me my friend, its not from lack of trying.  Ten months and I still don't know how to talk to this boy I love.  Several failed relationships and I still don't know the line of this is okay, this is not.   Are things more complicated in this day in age?  How did my grand parents handle this type of stuff.  How did they know they would overcome their tiffs?  How did they know if this tiff mattered or  not?

How do you feel comfortable enough to talk about what you're feeling?  How does your guy give you that comfort area that you can come to him with the problems you see and make your feelings feel valid?  How does he not get defensive and/or shut down himself?  

I don't understand how men and woman co-exist in the same household for extended period of time in crisis.  Why so early in a relationship can one feel they are giving 99% and the other feel they are giving 99% and neither party's partner feel the 99%???  Its 99% for crying out loud. 

I tried to make our new living arrangements home.  Everyday, he'd come home and never make any mention of my intentions.  Everyday, I'd try and prompt him about work and everyday the only responses I would get were grunts.  No opportunity for conversation.  When I made a comment about doing the dishes, his response was, you have all day to wash them, we're all working.

As if I'm less at this moment in time because I'm at home, against my will, all day.  Never were we able to have a legit conversation in regards to our future plans.  Not without one getting so frustrated and pissed off that we couldn't continue.  This is what I saw.  This is what I have felt over the past few weeks. 

af·fec·tion (a-f k sh n) n. 1. A tender feeling toward another; fondness.

I don't feel it.  I don't see it.  We all have 24 hours in a day, regardless if we're sitting at a desk or doing laundry.  We should make the time we spend with others worth it.

There are so many examples I have at this point I just feel as though I'm nitpicking.  I'm not though.  It's just how I feel about majority of the situations we have been in the last few weeks. 

And I know he's unhappy that we're out of West End.  I know he's unhappy we're house sharing.  I know he doesn't (and hasn't) want to sell his car.  I know he doesn't want to have to live on this small of a budget.  At the end of the day, we're both in the same boat.  So why should I feel worse for him when I'm dealing with the same feelings?  With other feelings and issues on top of these? 

It simply boils down to me feeling shitty about talking about how I'm feeling.  I fight a lot of emotions in regards to this:
1. Undeserving
2. Self Conscious
3. Crazy
4. Defeat

They win.  Every single time.  These feelings win.   Reducing me to silence and withdrawal.  I don't give; therefore, I don't get.  So I'm not crazy or underserving.  Its true.  I'm not giving therefore, I'm not getting.  Its not all in my head.  I didn't think it was. 

What was lost is found

I'm pretty sure I have found my spot.  Its peaceful after all of the built up tension in my life.  When I come here its quiet, with birds chirping and even if its chilly I'm comfortable.  There may be people talking in the background, but I'm in my own little world of thoughts and emotions.  I just simply can't hear them. 

 

I relax here.  It gives me a place to feel vulnerable and without the judging eyes of my loved ones.  It allows for me to take a moment of slow deep breaths to calm my body, clear my head and think logically.    Why you ask has it taken this long to find the peace of heaven?  It hasn't really.  It's just after months and months of coming here without realizing it- today, I take notice of what my subconscious already knows. 

 

I love it here.  Of course- I can't always come here.  Most days its just too busy.  Other days, its too far away.  But days like today, when I was at the gym, it was a simple left turn instead of right.

 

Its 9:47 am, smack dab in the middle of winter.  I'm in shorts and sandals, short sleeve shirt and its about 65.  Here after I take note of the sounds around me, I hear a drummer across the way and birds chirping.  Ahhh-I miss these birds.  They used to wake me every morning.  The sun as my sight and the birds as my hearing.  My morning senses were awaken by the most amazing and beautiful things in life.  

 

As usual, my post has taken a different turn then what I had in my mind when I sat down to write.  I just couldn't help writing about the beautiful spot I call mine.   All the nonsense and emotions going on in my current state, doesn't stop me from the recognition of this beautiful  place that makes me happy.  the river is amazing.  Its familiar and makes me feel at home. 

 

This post was supposed to be about my point of view of how my life is coming along so far.  But in this spot, the birds, the sounds of the boats, the beat of the drum, and the smell of the early morning world...I can't be fucked to write about anything else. 

 

Is this happiness or the calm before the storm?  Ah-who cares, right now, I'm going to live in the moment.  Enjoy right now, before time does what it does best, slips away.

 

 

 

    

                                  

This about sums it up

I love your emotions, except when I don't.

"A kiss can be a comma, a question mark or an exclamation point.  That's basic spelling that every woman ought to know."  Mistinguet

I love to feel passion.  To feel his arms reaching for me.  To feel his fingertips wrap around my waist.  I love that he lets me love him.  That I feel vulnerable in his presence and logically I know the ramifications of full surrender and yet, emotionally, I feel so at peace that I can't even consider doing anything else.


I'm in love. 

“They move ever so slowly now, he leaning on his arms over her, eyes locked in an intensity that obliterates everything beyond the moment, both surrendered to some greater whole. Their movements emerge and recede with perfect unity. She can no longer feel where she ends and he starts, whether the waves of bliss washing over her are her own or his. There is no longer any ‘his’ or ‘hers’—there is only This.”

~ From The Beautiful Garden by Freya Watson

I am loved into my Dirty 30's.

The time of celebration had finally arrived.   I had planned this party in like May or April of this year, knowing my friends schedules fill up fast.  It was planned as a fancy dress up party at the Loft in West End.   The girls and I were texting back and forth all day trying to decide what we were going to wear.  Decisions Decisions.

I had wanted to theme the party from "My Fair Lady;" however, when I couldn't find this costume, I gave up and said to just dress nice. 

Which was actually, for a number of reasons, really good fortune.  PIB wanted to head to the Boundary Hotel to catch the Reds play before the party.  After a half hearted offer to attend his game with him, he accepted with excitement and we were off to watch 80 minutes of Rugby.  

Go reds!!

A very happy camper.......

After the Reds lost to the other Red team; we arrive at the Loft and only to be told have no reservation for us there, but it instead has been made for downstairs at Archive.  A massive change of venue as downstairs is casual and loud, while upstairs is for dressed up people and its more for conversation and such.  

No fear, we made it work.  As Mel and Crispy arrived, we poured champagne (on the house for their mixup) and the guys were well on their way to drinking some of the fine craft beers offered at Archive.  Mel waited until everyone arrived before we could open my gifts.  And what gifts they were!

First, I'd like to take a step back and just say on the actual day of my birthday, Amber and Mel and I went out for lunch and then I came back home to Kara who had baked me a cake and we drank and had a great afternoon.   That morning the Boy had purchased for me the most beautiful necklace from Tiffany's.  My first ever gift received from there.   THEN all of these awesome people come out to a formal celebration of my birthday and present to me my gifts.  I have been rock climbing for a year and a half, but have used everyone else's gear.  For the most part, to buy your own gear, like any sport, is extremely expensive.  Slowly, one-by-one, my friends had been buying their own gear to accumulate a massive amount of gear between all of us.  I believe now we all have our own ropes.  Haha.   

I was thrilled to see a pink and brown rope when I unraveled the gift wrap.  Oh, how these lovely peeps know me!  My sheer excitement though, was with the simple pink chalk bag that had a hello kitty doll stitched to the back.  

As I was opening the gifts, Melinda said, "Just so you know; you are loved." From there funny commentary of how much time (two days of conversation and searching) went into picking out the rope, size and color, and the time it took to find the perfect chalk bag.  You see, for some reason, no one makes really awesome chalk bags.  I have wanted a hello kitty chalk bag for as long as I've been climbing.  Much to my dismay, I have never been able to successfully find one.  However, Mel and Heather went to "every shop in Brisbane" to find the perfect pink bag to go with the "impossible" to find hello kitty doll.  From there, Heather stitched the doll to the bag. Helen was telling me about the conversation that went into the rope and how her phone continued to buzz throughout the day with the conversation.  Mel and her were giggling as they told the story of Curtis explaining the difference between 2mm of rope.   Knowing all the love that went into my gifts, the time and thought, its an unspeakable happiness.  To be loved like this by friends I just met only a little over a year ago, its breathtaking.  

Drinking in style

They don't replace my beautiful friends back in the States, not for a second.  However, they are a fantastic addition and I'm beyond blessed to know each and every one of them.

From archive, the boys were itching for some more good alcohol.  James told us about a whiskey bar that was right around the corner and we took the alcohol lovers over to the Cobbler. PIB, Graeme, and Mel were in heaven.  Cobbler has 13 pages of fine imported single malt whiskeys.  They have only five lines of blended whiskeys, with half a page of expensive imported rums.  

I was promised bacon..,"It's good. Smokey. Tastes like bacon"

From West End, we took the City Glider to the infamous "valley" and finished dancing the night away to old school songs like "Sexy Back"  (He's on the list...) and "Low" The boys losened their ties, pulled their shirt out from their pants and grooved, in a very uncoordinated, cute way to the music.  The girls were beyond the moon to be dancing the night away. As the night got longer, our friends dropped like flies, only leaving the three of us standing.

With hugs and kisses, we promise to visit the dance floor once a month as a group.  However, our busy lives take us away from these things that we love.  This amazing group of people get together so often to do so many great things, its truly a fantastic city and circle to be apart of.  

In the upcoming weeks we have Sexpo at the Convention Center, a two day hike for girls only, a trip to brooyer, climbing at KP, and so much more.  I am in love with my social life.  

A special thank you goes out to Curtis, Mat, Kara, Jaevis, Emma, Heather, Isaac, Helen, Sean, Gavin, Graeme, Amber, Simon, Tim and Melinda.

I can not wait to return the favor for your birthdays!! Amber you're next!!

Haha-this is an inside joke picture......