It left me breathless. Unable to think or move the words washed over my eyes into my heart and overwhelmed me. For a man who loves a woman with so much passion is astounding. The mere fact he could formulate something and share it on paper, and later with the world leaves most woman envious.
I think, woah, she is one amazingly lucky woman. My mind wanders into what their relationship is like on a regular basis. How can he express those feelings to her all of the time? How does she absorb that amount of love on a regular basis? She is so very lucky, I think to myself.
Then, as my mind tends to do, I start to think about what the words don't say. And I wonder:
When he says I love you and I mean I want you, does he mean that he wants her darkness? Does he want her sadness. The moods and the things that make her her. Does he want those too. Does he want her to just get over those feelings or does he love her enough to let her go to her dark place and wait for her?
When he means she beautiful, does he mean that when she can't find anything to wear and makes them late for parties? Does he mean she is beautiful when she is feeling that her belly is going to explode and she can't stand his Touch? Does he mean she's beautiful when the voices are telling her that she should be at the gym? Does he feel she is beautiful when he is annoyed that she doesn't believe him that she looks amazing in that dress. How does he make her feel beautiful when she has worn flats to the dance and all of the other girls have worn heels and she feels frumpy. And although he doesn't agree, how does he make her feel beautiful then? When she doesn't believe you and your frustration levels are high, what then?
When he says he loves her form, he means her physical appearance that will soon go away with age. A body that will only sustain its current shape as long as she continues to do yoga and lift weights. As long as she continues to run the early morning runs. Will he love her form when the stretch marks are deep and purple? Will he love her sagging breasts and her growing belly? Will he still be turned on by her ass that has discovered gravity? Will he still love her form when she is scared that she is going to lose him because of her insecurities?
When he says he loves all of her, does he give her a place to rest her head, after a long day if work. Does he make the changes he feels are silly beause she feels a desperate need to have them. Does he continue to hold her hand when she is overwhelming. Does he give her a safe place to let her guard down. Her fears and weaknesses are strong enough to bring the gods to their knees. She needs a place to be weak. Do you embrace this? Or are you scared? Do you give her a place that she can voice her concerns, her fears, her notions. She can't help herself. She tries, but she can't. So do you love her darkness as well as her silliness? Do you show her that you love it? Or do you get annoyed? Does your impatience shine through like a beacon. Is the only sound she can hear drowned by your actions?
When you say you want to be the person she turns to when she is hurting, does this mean you won't hold it against her later? Does this mean you will truly listen to what she is saying. That you won't be defensive. That you won't make her feel little? That you will hold her without judging her and make sure that now, in her greatest weakness, you shout even louder. That you show her even more that you love her. Because you recognize that she's forgotten. That the voices and the feelings and the darkness have taken over and no matter what you did before, she can't remember. And do you recognize she's trying to remember? Do you realize that it isn't you who needs to do anything? She struggles with this dark place. It's from before you and the hurt is too deep to just go away. Will you still feel this way when it's 2 years down the line and the darkness isn't subsiding? Will you still feel this way for her when she drains your energy? When her fire is so hot it burns you. When she drowns you in her sheer raw, impulsive emotion. When she can't forgive herself for everything she has ever done wrong, will you still love her then? Will you still be there when its so dark you aren't sure what way is up?
Just know when you said, "When I say “I love you,” I mean that I’m sorry. I’m sorry for every time I take you for granted. I’m sorry for every time I’m too busy, too distant, too self-absorbed to make time for you. I’m sorry for every time I fall short of being the man you deserve," that her heart melted. Not because you said it, but because you realize that she feels it sometimes. And she feels guilty for feeling that way. And she fights her feelings to try to be the best person she can be. But she loves that you could put your pride down for a second and reveal your own weaknesses. And by doing this it shows strength and love and passion. This keeps her going. And she loves you all the more for that.
Will you keep loving her when she feels alone? When she sees you there, but can't bridge the emotional gap. Will you love her when her neediness overwhelms you? Will you still show her you want to touch her when you're repulsed by her?
When all is said and done, it's amazing that you love her when the the sun is shining. But will you love her just the same when the storm comes by surprise?
