My Britney Spears Moment ish

I feel a bit self destructive at the moment. So tired of speaking and not being heard. Points of conversations swiped away with a frustrated nod and a thought he won't express. 

Like all of my self destructive acts, this one was controlled. I cut my own hair. I'm tired of paying 80-100$ for someone to take 15 minutes of their day to cut my hair.  I don't wish to offend any hairdressers. My last intention is to anger anyone. However, it's been years since I've walked out of a beauticians and honestly felt the person was worthy of my   Days work for a haircut. I'm never wowed or impressed. I still have issues that my hair won't dry for the next month after its cut and it's never really the style I care for. But I assume a bit of responsibility. I don't take pictures of what I want into the salon. Therefore, it's my responsibility to correctly articulate what I'm seeking  

Even though they spend day in and day out working with hair, it's my responsibility to know everything before walking in once every 13 weeks or so. 

So in my frustration of not being heard,in any aspect of my life at the moment, I've taken matters into my own hands. 

Not much I know. But my fear of the consequences always outweighs my instinct to just let go. 

This is all that is wrong with my life at the moment. Fear holds me still. 

No real self harm though. No cutting, no eating issues, no law breaking. 

Just a small shitty, uneven hair trim. 

Oh Sara, you're always there for me

It's my fault.  I know this.  Its because I didn't just fall in love as quickly as he did.  Its because I was too afraid to trust.  I was too afraid to stay.  I pushed the boundaries too often.

I'm broken and I know this.  I should have trusted my instincts to protect myself.  Instead, here I am another September, another anniversary, another broken heart.  Listening to Sara Bareilles in her upbeat tunes of broken heartedness.  The irony literally makes me laugh.   Jesus.  I can't believe it.  It seems every time she releases an album, I'm ending a relationship.

This time, I stay single.

#gratitude

Never were truer words spoken.

Why did you come back?

I didn't. 

Banquet of Consequences

Hello blogasphere.  It feels as though it has been a long time.  The biggest thing to happen is that I've turned 31.

Oh, and, I've seen a therapist for the first time.  By myself.  I've been sitting in this dead zone for the last six months.  Frozen in fear.  An indescribable, crushing fear. The longer I stand still, the more crushing this stagnation is for me.  I haven't been able to understand why I can't/won't move on.  I'm unhappy in this relationship; I hate my job, so why am I not moving on?

I realized that I was avoiding my reality and at the end of the day, I was suffering the consequences of an undecided mind.  I decided that I needed to seek some therapeutic services.

There have been few times in my life where I knew what I had to do.  A solid feeling that moved through my being that I felt as though if I didn't act, the world wouldn't be right.  The first time, I was 26 and had been on the Depo-Provera shot for 9 years.  I could not stand for one more second the thought of a hormone coursing through my body.  A foreign unknown substance reaking havoc on me.  I obsessed about it until I was able to stop taking it.  Discontinuing birth control was the single best thing I have ever done for myself.  

The second, was a few days ago when I had that same overwhelming desire as above and I sought a psychologist. 

Its weird sitting in the consulting room.  As someone who has owned my own psych practice, I never really think about what its like to have to actual sit there and tell someone your story.  Worst, I know what they are looking for and what they're going to tell me, but on Tuesday, I didn't have a choice, I needed to get my story out in an environment that would stimulate some sort of growth.

And grow, I did do.  I told my story from start to finish in 45 minutes.  In the end, the psych, who sat still and said nothing for 40 minutes looked at me and said, "okay, I'm going to recap."  He repeated a few key points back to me and said, "time is up, but I want to ask you a few questions."  I stopped him and I said, "I know what it is."

He paused, and I continued.

"I'm afraid of the consequences.  All of my life, I have made decisions on impulse.  Never fearing the consequences.  But today, I sit here with nothing to prove who I am.  Nothing to prove the life I've lived.  You don't know that I've owned a Consulting Firm or my own Private Practice.  I have nothing to show for it.  You don't know that I was married.  You don't know that I've owned my own house, fostered dogs and cats.  Had my own precious puppies that I raised from 8 weeks old.  All because I've never been afraid to let go and move on.  In this moment, I am afraid of my future.  I'm afraid of the consequences of walking away from a man I know loves me.  I'm afraid of resigning from a job out of fear of being unable to get a new one.  I'm 31, with hopes of maybe having a baby someday, a home, a domesticated life.  If I end this relationship, I'm afraid of the consequences."

We finished up my session, by paying the $200 price tag and I walked to the tram, lost in thought.

I never in my life have felt this way.  Is this my age, or maturity speaking?

A 31 year old, woman with no degree, living in a foreign country and a sagging ass.  What the hell am I going to do with my life?  I'm too old to continue seeking and searching.  But you know what?  

I.  Can't. Keep. Heading. in the direction I'm going.  PIB and I are not able to communicate.  Silence is not a way to handle a relationship.    

I also can't handle the stressors of work and my relationship.  I have just never been able to.  And I'm honestly more comfortable in my professional life then my personal life.  So I will always take the easy way out and choose work over a relationship.  Because with work, I have full control.  In a relationship, I have to be vulnerable.  If that vulnerability isn't appreciated or acknowledged, then I see no reason to continue to be vulnerable.  

See, I've ask for a simple thing, for us to attend therapy together.  Its a relationship, it takes two to participate.  Therapy just for myself is useless when I know the broken bit is a relationship.

relationship

rɪˈleɪʃ(ə)nʃɪp/

noun

1. the way in which two or more people or things are connected, or the state of being connected.

This particular relationship has asked for me to accept things that I'm not comfortable accepting and ideas that push my comfort zones.  It's all for you baby, therapy is the least that can be given in return.  

I told him last night that he could choose not to come.  If he didn't attend I would still love him and I meant that.  But I've got to get my fucking shit together.  And to do that, I need to fix the shit that is broken, bent, or not working properly.  I need a clear head and a mindset that isn't new to me.  This is it.  I'm sailing this way, you're on board or you aren't.  But I can't let a heart break, and love hold me down when its only bringing unhappiness and strife to our lives.

I told Nathan a very long time ago, its like my favorite pair of shoes.  Just because I love them, doesn't mean they are still wearable.  If the shoes I love can't be fixed; Its time to find a new pair of shoes.

So here I come world. Broken in a new way, but still me.  Older and none the wiser.  A pity really.

Every curve of darkness. Every breath of water

When I first read, "When I say I love you this is what I mean" by Ben Neal http://www.elephantjournal.com/2013/08/when-i-say-i-love-you-this-is-what-i-mean/

It left me breathless. Unable to think or move the words washed over my eyes into my heart and overwhelmed me. For a man who loves a woman with so much passion is astounding. The mere fact he could formulate something and share it on paper, and later with the world leaves most woman envious. 

I think, woah, she is one amazingly lucky woman. My mind wanders into what their relationship is like on a regular basis. How can he express those feelings to her all of the time?  How does she absorb that amount of love on a regular basis?  She is so very lucky, I think to myself. 

Then, as my mind tends to do, I start to think about what the words don't say. And I wonder:

When he says I love you and I mean I want you, does he mean that he wants her darkness? Does he want her sadness. The moods and the things that make her her. Does he want those too. Does he want her to just get over those feelings or does he love her enough to let her go to her dark place and wait for her?

When he means she beautiful, does he mean that when she can't find anything to wear and makes them late for parties?  Does he mean she is beautiful when she is feeling that her belly is going to explode and she can't stand his Touch?  Does he mean she's beautiful when the voices are telling her that she should be at the gym?  Does he feel she is beautiful when he is annoyed that she doesn't believe him that she looks amazing in that dress.  How does he make her feel beautiful when she has worn flats to the dance and all of the other girls have worn heels and  she feels frumpy. And although he doesn't agree, how does he make her feel beautiful then?  When she doesn't believe you and your frustration levels are high, what then?

When he says he loves her form, he means her physical appearance that will soon go away with age. A body that will only sustain its current shape as long as she continues to do yoga and lift weights. As long as she continues to run the early morning runs. Will he love her form when the stretch marks are deep and purple?  Will he love her sagging breasts and her growing belly? Will he still be turned on by her ass that has discovered gravity? Will he still love her form when she is scared that she is going to lose him because of her insecurities?

When he says he loves all of her, does he give her a  place to rest her head, after a long day if work. Does he make the changes he feels are silly beause she feels a desperate need to have them. Does he continue to hold her hand when she is overwhelming. Does he give her a safe place to let her guard down. Her fears and weaknesses are strong enough to bring the gods to their knees.  She needs a place to be weak. Do you embrace this? Or are you scared? Do you give her a place that she can voice her concerns, her fears, her notions. She can't help herself. She tries, but she can't. So do you love her darkness as well as her silliness?  Do you show her that you love it? Or do you get annoyed? Does your impatience shine through like a beacon. Is the only sound she can hear drowned by your actions?  

When you say you want to be the person she turns to when she is hurting, does this mean you won't hold it against her later?  Does this mean you will truly listen to what she is saying. That you won't be defensive. That you won't make her feel little?  That you will hold her without judging her and make sure that now, in her greatest weakness, you shout even louder. That you show her even more that you love her. Because you recognize that she's forgotten. That the voices and the feelings and the darkness have taken over and no matter what you did before, she can't remember. And do you recognize she's trying to remember?  Do you realize that it isn't you who needs to do anything?  She struggles with this dark place. It's from before you and the hurt is too deep to just go away. Will you still feel this way when it's 2 years down the line and the darkness isn't subsiding?  Will you still feel this way for her when she drains your energy?  When her fire is so hot it burns you. When she drowns you in her sheer raw, impulsive emotion. When she can't forgive herself for everything she has ever done wrong, will you still love her then?  Will you still be there when its so dark you aren't sure what way is up?

Just know when you said, "When I say “I love you,” I mean that I’m sorry. I’m sorry for every time I take you for granted. I’m sorry for every time I’m too busy, too distant, too self-absorbed to make time for you. I’m sorry for every time I fall short of being the man you deserve," that her heart melted. Not because you said it, but because you realize that she feels it sometimes. And she feels guilty for feeling that way. And she fights her feelings to try to be the best person she can be. But she loves that you could put your pride down for a second and reveal your own weaknesses.  And by doing this it shows strength and love and passion. This keeps her going. And she loves you all the more for that. 

Will you keep loving her when she feels alone?  When she sees you there, but can't bridge the emotional gap. Will you love her when her neediness overwhelms you?  Will you still show her you want to touch her when you're repulsed by her?

When all is said and done, it's amazing that you love her when the the sun is shining. But will you love her just the same when the storm comes by surprise?

An Open Relationship

Relationships make people vulnerable.   The intimacy brings insecurities and wonder.  It causes one to push comfort zones they didn't even realize they had.  As people grow up they are taught right and wrong through a preset path.  Their parents path.  Their communities path.  Their friends' path.  Through TV, Radio, religion, and other garbage.

We aren't taught to listen to our gut instinct.  To sit in silence and listen to the nagging voice of reason. To feel the ball in the pit of our stomach and follow the strings to unravel the truth.  I've spent the last three years of my life trying to find the start of that ball.  To uncover what makes me tick.  Through failed attempts at "relationships" to moving into isolation, I've battled depression, darkness, sadness, light, happiness, and a free mind.  I've gone from wanting nothing to wanting stability.

A core focus has always been sex.  How does it always come back to this?  I don't know that I fully understand.  The comfort zones that I have around sex seem to be so boarded up and tight that I can't function.  It impairs my thinking and my life.

Its a huge cloud that doesn't ever seem to go away.  Mostly its a white cloud, but at times its a dark storm.  My fucked up views on relationships and sex are so entangled that I fear it can't be changed.  I'm afraid I will never ever be able to cognitively think of sex as just sex.  Whilst I use it mainly as a gauge to understand my feelings, I've used it to punish myself and to also make myself happy.

I'm a self-sufficient go getter with big dreams and an even bigger heart, which most people don't see right away.  I use sex to pull people in or to separate myself from someone.    When vulnerable, I pull up a shield around myself.  Seeking only to keep my perceived weaknesses under wraps.  I am then portrayed by the one who loves me as cold and distant.  Untouchable and unreachable, he turns away thinking my insecurities and inability to let anyone is something he has done.

I can get so lost in my brain and thoughts that I know the conversations I have with myself in my head are too intense for those I sleep with.  Often I come across as weird, philosophical or simply melodramatic.  I value deep conversation and crave it more than the physical touch of a person.

I crave someone who can hear my thoughts, recognize that they are what make me beautiful.  Acknowledge I'm not crazy.  I want to have someone engage in my contemplation, talk in theoretical's, debate the unknown, stir my brain.    

In life I always choose my profession over love.  I've already proven that each time, when forced to make a choice between love and my goals, I choose my goals. My goals are so much easier.  A clear path and even when its unknown, I stay confident that I can reach them.  But, I'd like to have both.  I dream that its possible.  That someone can give me what I want on all aspects of connection.

So here I am, in a relationship, the girl who sees the potential.   Wakes up and strives for something unattainable.  A girl who wants to be completely together with someone.  Same wave lengths.  I need to reminded that I'm loved.  Not necessarily with words, but with actions.  But I am human so I overlook the little things, please tell me about them.  I don't forget them when you tell me.  Show me with your actions and then your words.   I know I have a lot of love to give.   I just don't understand how it works.  I need someone to show me, someone who is patient while I fail.

But in the meantime, I'm happy to settle with an open relationship.  One that allows us to step outside of our relationship.  Its something that will relieve the pressure of me figuring out the things I do wrong.  It also gives me the space to not think about my weaknesses and apply pressures to my vulnerabilities.    A space to breathe.  To continue to chose my career over love.  A place that I have the control to not be vulnerable.

This post scares me.  These exact thoughts were the beginning of the end of my marriage.  Is this writing on the wall?

Can't get any

Can I beg for this? Give my last breath for  it? 

Every day I'm a statistic. One who just merely exists. The last 3 years of learning and soul seeking only to just merely exist.   I'm disappointed in myself. But I guess it's karma. 

Excuse me Mr. you've got things all wrong

"So please excuse me Mr.
You've got things all wrong
You make it feel like a crime
So don't confuse me Mr.
I've known you too long
All I need is  a little of your time."

I absolutely love No Doubt.

I never in my wildest dreams imagined where I'd push my comfort zones sexually.  Raised in a Pentecostal home where God strikes you dead if you think of anything inappropriate, I was petrified to think about sex.  Curious as I was, I wasn't about to damn myself to hell for the sake of something that didn't even sound like fun.  Having sex at the age of 17, I vowed then and there to marry the person I'd slept with.  Ten years later we divorced and I was 27.  One sex partner, the guilt of a religion and some nativity lead me to start pushing comfort zones.

Then I met PIB.  This boy, while quite, is like no other I've ever dated, for many reasons, but mainly because his sexual experiences are a bit more out of the box than anyone I've ever met.

Most boys have asked me for a three some. Declined.  Most asked me for anal.  Declined.  Most pushed my comfort zones over and over.   From using a toothbrush as a sex toy, to wanting to be physically violent, my most memorable experience to date has been the excitement of a man who asked me to pee on him. (Declined, btw)  I am no longer the judgmental bitch I was when I felt God was going to punish me for the pleasure he gave to people.

While reading an article, What Do Woman Really Want, I found myself able to identify with most, if not all of the article.  Moreover, though, I want to know what my boy wants.  What makes him happy.  What makes him tick.  A never ending conversation has been a threesome.  Seriously, this is something I think all men desire, with no real understanding as to why they want this.  Anyway, our conversations are heated.  They have led to conversations of an open relationship and swinging.

Whilst it scares the shit out of me, I like to think myself open minded enough to try anything, that doesn't flat out kill me, at least once.  So I've been doing some research, have found a massive number of "swingers clubs" in and around our area.  Even though he says he wants it, he keeps declining any offer to actually attend a "party" stating that our relationship "isn't ready."

I can't make sense of it.  Ever. Finally, today, after another missed opportunity this weekend, I told him I was disappointed that we didn't go.  (Do you know how long it takes a girl to psych herself up for something like this???? WAY.  TOO.  LONG!)  He stated the types of "clubs" I have sought out won't be what he's looking for if I was going for him.

Mrs. Garrisson from South Park

Then it hits me. "No single men allowed" isn't really the ideal place to pick up a bisexual male who wants a one night stand with a couple.  Holy Fuck.  Why hadn't I thought of that before?  Um, DUH.  Because I come into the equation as a straight (laced) chick who hasn't been fully antiquated to the bisexual/gay world, thus thinking inside the box.  What are the odds of finding a bisexual male and a straight (all hands off please!) girl in a couples swingers party.  Perhaps the odds are pretty high, but seriously, what are the chick and I going to do whilst our boys are going at it?  Yeah.  Probably not really something we should introduce to our relationship if you're going to be popping this girls cherry.

So more research I must do.  (Since it seems my quite outside the box thinking boy, doesn't give me heaps of information to go on)  I must find out on my own, all in due time where to go, how to do it, and if it's okay with me.

I only write when I'm bleeding.

I recognize that I only write when I'm upset, hurting or thinking too much.  I'm going to make a conscious effort to change that.  However, I can't promise anything.  The last few months have been pretty fucking amazing.  I admit, I'm settling into a job a hate and a domestication that suffocates me at times, but all in all, I realize that I need to do things in order to make a better future for myself.  With that said, I need to do things to get my past in order as well.  Thus, I'm working a decent job and coming home to not successfully cook dinners.  I'm awful at being cooped up.   He understands and asks that I don't hold my choices against him.  I pray that I don't. 

One thing that keeps me sane, though, is the love this boy has for me.  He is challenging as a human being.  Sensitive and moody, I sometimes see a mirror.  The most demanding of all things in this relationship is for me to see his perspective in things.  Worse, though, is that the learning and growing I feel so important to me as a person, is only one sided.  He doesn't see a need for it.  Won't even entertain any ideas outside of his.  He's right. That's all there is to it.  But, he loves me.  I know this.  I see it when he kisses me.  I see it when he does things out of the blue for me.  Its small gestures, but they are there.  He makes me happy.  Yes, we struggle and I just simply pray that I can continue to be patient, but all in all, he makes me happy. 

 

I think some of the reasons he makes me happy is that I am so absolutely comfortable with him sexually.  He doesn't make me feel insecure, or inexperienced.  While he has the ability to push my comfort zones.  He does it slowly, with respect.  While he's not 100% comfortable with his sexuality, and that frustrates me; he is still able to push my comfort zones.  And he can keep up with my libido, mainly because his is 100 x more than mine!

But I push - and make life revolve around sex. It's fucked up. I feel a power struggle between the two of us and it isn't healthy. I'm letting it go. I choose this path. Regardless of my feelings - I've chosen his love. Even in times of doubt. I choose this. Don't forget. 

It's all in the follow through.

I'm really trying to understand who I am in a relationship.  After nearly 2 years in this one, I am still trying to discover what it takes to be in one.

1.  I want to be strongly desired.

I am slowly learning that he doesn't love things that way.  So my wise mind fights with my emotional mind.  A want vs. a need.  Yesterday, we were walking around in the store and he does this thing that seriously makes my heart skip a beat.  He guides me with his hands.  Touches the small of my back and moves me where we need to go.  He lets his hand slid down and rest lightly on my butt.   I love it. Makes me want to curl up in him and kiss him.  We fall short of this though when I feel as though I've been hurt for one reason or another.  Let me just acknowledge the fact that I am emotional and pretty demanding.  However, like all rational (although, I don't particularly claim to be rational, in this instance, I compare myself to a rational) people, rejection, or the feeling of rejection, is very difficult to swallow.  This hurt and pain lasts forever.  The fact my boy doesn't understand how to handle these feelings makes it worse.  To simply ignore and/or act as though it never happened is about the most absolutely defeating feeling.

Fact is, my feelings don't go away when they are ignored.  They don't go away when we don't talk about them.  They are a particle.  Once created, it doesn't disappear.  It can be dissolved into something smaller and let go of, but not until I feel like its been addressed.  Men, if you don't want to talk about things with your girl, then don't bother being in a relationship  All woman want to talk.  They want to be understood and heard.  If you can't be fucked, then you won't get fucked.  Simple.

Communication is the key here.   Ask her exactly how she wants you to handle it.  What are her expectations around this situation.  Don't tell her not to have expectations.  She will.  So give her a hand.  Step up and talk with her.  And then, follow through.

 Does it make you feel uncomfortable? Good.  Keep in mind that whatever she has perceived you to have done, also makes her uncomfortable.

2.  I want intimacy and emotional closeness.

I haven't wanted this for a very long time.  Now I do.  I want sex to pull us together on things.  I want to feel as though you're the only one I've ever given myself to.  I want slow intimate love.  Something that makes me forget the world for a bit.  To fall into the feeling of your fingertips on my body.  Your kisses on my neck will make my back arch.  I want it to be you and me against the world.   A team.

I was reading about a study it said, "Marta Meana had men and woman watch erotic pictures of contact between a man and a woman and tracked the participants' eye movements.  She found that men and woman focus on different aspects of the sexual event.  Men looked at the woman, while the women watched the two genders equally.  They concentrated on the man's face and the woman's body.  What turned them on apparently were the desired female body, with which they identify, and the man's lustful gaze, for which they long."

This, to me, proves that I see an entire picture when thinking about something.  Whereas he can't.  He isn't programmed to.

What saddens me the most is I'm sure he's looking for the same things.  Except we are too self absorbed to give it to each other.   We don't trust the other person to think about us and so we close down.  Shut ourselves off from experiencing something wonderful and selfless.

Brings it  back to communication.  Without speaking to one another, understanding can't be gained.  Relationships fail and woman walk away.

3. To know how to fight.

Psychology Today posted an article asking how to diagnose an unhealthy relationship.  One paragraph hit home for me.  "Repair vs. revenge.  If your partner really loves you, fights become a way to learn more about each other.  You will see a genuine effort to repair conflicts through turning toward each other and sincere listening to feelings.  Tained love is vindictive.  Each argument turns into an opportunity for payback.  You'll see fights produce blaming, coercion or rejection. "

I have learned, long before this post, to use arguments as a time to understand and learn something about him.  I try very hard to hear what he says and to validate his feelings.  I can imagine he doesn't feel the same way.  He feels as though he goes unheard.  How do we change this?  Whats the answer??

4.  I need to be given the opportunity to move on.

I know he loves me.  I KNOW this.  I haven't known that in so many of y previous relationships.  I didn't know that in my marriage.  Do you know why?  In my marriage, my husband didn't show me affection.  He also didn't change his behaviors when we spoke about things.  This boy is affectionate.  I love it.  I know when he isn't its because I'm holding onto something he has moved on from and he senses it.  He gives me space and forgets about it.

I know it doesn't work like that.  A healthy compromise would be "needing to talk" about only true grievances.  Whilst letting other things slide.  Fact is, when my feelings are hurt; all things are true grievances.  We'd fight less, for a shorter period of time, if he would give time to acknowledge my feelings and hear how I can move on.  Then he needs to take noticeable note to keep communication open.

I think he blames himself more than I blame him for things.  Its tough, because he doesn't see it as me not blaming him.  There isn't blame.  I KNOW its perception.  I always know that.  What he doesn't know is that its perception.  To appreciate my point of view on things.

He is going to hate me one day when I get up and leave the relationship.   I know if this happens, it won't be until I'm fed up with our lack of communication.  I will have no other options.  Until then, I will "nag" and I will write and I will pick fights.  I want to be heard.  I want things to change.  I want to be us.

The saddest words I've ever heard.

"How much longer before you run away?"

He knows that I'm not happy in this city. So far from friends and family.  A fast paced life I've already walked away from years ago.  A girl I hated then, a girl I loath to become again.  The idea of becoming that girl is depression.

Depressive symptoms:

Behaviour

• not going out anymore
• not getting things done at work/school
• withdrawing from close family and friends
• relying on alcohol and sedatives
• not doing usual enjoyable activities
• unable to concentrate

Feelings

• overwhelmed
• guilty
• irritable
• frustrated
• lacking in confidence
• unhappy
• indecisive
• disappointed
• miserable
• sad

I hate this field.  I've always hated this field. Is it because this field reminds me of the girl I hate?  Or is it simply because its depressing.   I hate that I've withdrawn from him, because I do love him.  I just hate this city and the life it offers.

Thoughts

• 'I’m a failure.'
• 'It’s my fault.'
• 'Nothing good ever happens to me.'
• 'I’m worthless.'
• 'Life’s not worth living.'
• 'People would be better off without me.'

Physical

• tired all the time
• sick and run down
• headaches and muscle pains
• churning gut
• sleep problems
• loss or change of appetite
• significant weight loss or gain

My time is precious; yet wasted every day

Seventeen days.  1-7 days since my last post.  What has happened?  Oh so much.  My visa has come through allowing me to be a "provisional resident."  Whoot whoot!!!  I'm so extremely excited about that.  My travel and work restrictions has been lifted.  It was a torturous 5 1/2 months, one that I can't feel as though I've learned anything about anything.  My stress levels were extremely elevated, the relationship of the Boy and I was put to a massive test.  It didn't bring us closer.  Our relationship isn't better off because of it.

I am the luckiest girl in the world to be loved by thee.......

I haven't really ever felt lonely.  I left the United States in the brink of my divorce.  Ready to see the world, I travelled to the only place I knew someone outside of my little box.  Australia.  From here, I've lived for the last two years.  Never wanting to return to the box I lived in before.  With our recent move to Melbourne, I have left my friends behind.  And I'm missing everyone I love dearly very much.  While I love the energy of the city, I just simply miss calling up a friend asking them if they've got time for a hike, lunch, or a Saturday night date.

Melinda and I on the rocks. My Aussie Bestie. 

                                        

My very best friend in the whole wide world. 

                                       

Rach, my other bestie.  I've know you my entire life.  *Heart*

                                       

Amber would kill me if I were a zombie *heart* and Kara, if we were lesbians, we'd be lovers *heart*

They've changed my entire outlook on life. 

                                          

And give me a boys point of view when I'm in need.  

                                          

Nicole is my firecracker!  Loving and living life to the width and length with me.  

                                             

Celebrating my weird US holidays

                                           

Growing up with me......

They are the absolute loves of my life.  

And let me cry on their shoulders........

.....Let me experience your happiness and joy.......

And be me.  

I love these people more than life itself.  I miss you, with everything I am, but know that just because I'm away, doesn't mean I don't think of you often. *heart, heart heart*

We had a Photo Shoot; a Couples Boudoir Photo Shoot.....

I'm madly in love with my boy.  Seriously, he can keep up with me and never once makes me feel like he'd rather be chewing out his toenails.  Which, obviously, is good.

I went to Sexpo in Brisbane a few months back.  You could purchase a good many items for the toy box under your bed.  Or, in a friends case, the kitchen drawer. (He bought a hand mixer, and after several minutes searching for it online, I can't even show you what it looks like because it was too out of place for Sexpo).

My only purchase of the night was for $25.  A gift voucher for a photo shoot at the Gold Coast.   It was for hair and make up, the photo shoot session and a free 11 x 18 print of my favorite photo.

Current promotion from their website

The promotion has changed a bit but, eek!  Twenty-five dollars!!???!!  How could I say no?

When they boy and I moved from Brisbane to Melbourne, I had assumed I had wasted that money on the voucher.  However, we were up in QLD this weekend and thus, this girl booked our photo shoot!

I only have grainy photos as the sales agent was insistent that I use the photos only for reference purposes and not to be blown up.  So here are the shitty (but postable) photos until 4 weeks time when the actual photos come in.

An hour of make up and 10 seconds on my hair; we're ready to go

I was fucking nervous.  This girls body is NOT in the shape it should be.  Two years of not working out and eating the shittiest foods, I have become just another careless human being.  Tim, lean and tall, had no worries on his mind whatsoever.  Beforehand, I had expressed my severe worries to him.  I had said to him, "it is your responsibility to make me feel comfortable.  I will forget about my body, if you don't freak out about little things."

He was born for this.  Completely in control of his actions and emotions, he went with the flow (albeit, may need some more modeling experience for posing purposes) and was my life saver.

We had no issues with chemistry. 

I had spent weeks and months searching for pinterest and other websites for couples boudoir shots. I wanted artsy and sexy without pornographic and explicit.     Falling in love with a few websites, I found a few that really matched our personalities.  Something that I could be happy about, even when I was 100 years old.

HSPU's from Crossfit, made Tim's second fav photo!

I'd love to share more, and I don't only because the world is a close minded bitch.  One who doesn't accept nudity and/or art in the same open mindedness as I do.  We have some fantastically beautiful shots of which were our favs.   For now, one more that is steamy, and only steps over the line just a tad.....

                                         

A fun, exciting experience with my boy that I simply won't want to ever forget. This, my dear friends, is what life is all about.  Making memories. Experiencing life in a way that pushes every single comfort zone you posses.  I want to experience so many things, make the most memories possible, and life life to its fullest.

All done!  Now, we wait for our prints.

                                            

What fun memories have you made with someone you love?  I'd love to hear about them.

Love without Attachment

Attachment makes our critical mind overactive.  I've been learning a lot in life about love, relationships, and how to make myself happy.  I've pulled from principles such as Christianity, craziness, and Buddhism. 

I remember years ago when I started to dabble in Buddhism, a friend of mine said he would disown me if I got to heavily involved with it.  I've picked things up over the last few years about the principles and the intentions.  While, I agree with some of the methods (and maybe my issue is one foot in; one foot out) I can't commit completely to the practice.

I constantly struggle with my desire to flee a relationship.  Twice now I've been told that i am up and down while the boy is a steady line.  I get excited and run full force.  Never understanding the amount of enthusiasm I put into something; I get scared seeing, in my mind, a lackluster response from my partner.  Thus making me step back and subsequently, my enthusiasm waning.

“In desperate love, we always invent the characters of our partners, demanding they be what we need of them, and then feeling devastated when they refuse to perform the role we created in the first place.” 
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

“I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism.” 
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

It's been almost three years since I've left the relationship I felt as though was smothering me.  Only to, I fear, step into another relationship.  Jesus Fucking Christ.  I don't understand why I fear commitment. I want my space but I want to be with him too.  I don't know how to happily manage the both of them.  Moving to Melbourne has been both good and bad.  But we have learned very little from the therapy sessions we attended.  Not to discredit the time we spent on therapy; however, we both still shut down and we both still withdraw.  And I guess this that I am experiencing is what you experience in a relationship as an adult couple.

I'm watching season 5 of Parenthood and I see how the older couple have been pulled away.  She is traveling to Italy because he is happy staying inside his box.  She feels like she missed out on her life.  She is happy that she had the life that she led; but no she is wanting to experience more.  I fear I will live a life like this. Scared.  I now understand whole hardheartedly the need to slip away for three days, with no contact with the world.

I miss my boy's touch.  He used to reach for me and want to interact with me.  He pursued me.  And I feel like we're just content and comfortable right now.  I don't like it.  I still want him to show me he wants me.  I want him to be who he was when he was putting in effort to make me his.  I love him, so much.  Yet, I'm attached to him so thus I have this emotional roller coaster.  I struggle to give him what he needs, give me what I need, and not lose sight of what we both want.  I forget things that make me happy as an individual.  I know its my issue.  And PIB has been so fantastic by encouraging me to remember the things I enjoy doing.  He's even started running with me.   So when I fear I'm being locked into a relationship, I have to force myself to see all sides of the picture.  And remember why I love him.

You know what I want from him?  Watch Season 5 Episode 11 of Parenthood.  At the end, the husband sends a very important email as he realizes that he wants to be with his wife, even if it means stepping out of his box.  He SHOWS her he loves her.

I want romance.  I can't help it.  A flower.  A hidden note.  Just something to show me that I come across his mind.  Something unexpected to please me.  I love doing it for him, but honestly, I can't be bothered when I feel like it fruitless.  But again, that's my fucking expectation.

How do we live without it?  I don't understand.