Emotional Mind becomes Wise Mind.

If this is true; then I'm lost.  What if the one you loves shuts down when you need them?  What if they turn their back and focus on their own needs.  Their needs that have manifested out of your needs.  Its a catch 22 I'm afraid.

 

You can't rely on them because your pain is so strong, they crumble at the thought of your weaknesses. 

 

I understand that men pull away when there are things they don't want to deal with.  ie, a woman's emotions.  For whatever reason, it seems all men are the same.  Not just from my experiences in life, but also from my girlfriends.  But the problem with this is, I would have less breakdowns if I knew I had a safe place to crash.  But because I don't feel safe, I am more stressed.  This stress leads me to being more needy which leads him to shutting down.

 

I have a set of friends, (sorry to bring you up in this blog) but they had the same issues.  I'm told that the boy has changed and that it's helped the girl tremendously; however, it took several months and heart ache and tears to get to the understanding they are.  And, I'm not even sure they are where they need to be to sustain a healthy relationship.

 

Why isn't this easier?  I remember when Nathan and I started dating, it was so simple.  He liked me.  I liked him.  We kissed.  We fought.  We made up.  Never had I shut down like this.  There were two times in our entire ten year relationship when I wasn't sure if we were going to make it.  The first time was four and a half years into our relationship and I had finally accepted Nathans proposal (he asked four times).  I had added a phone line to my name for him.  One day when I was paying the bill I saw all these calls to a number I hadn't recognized.  I didn't think anything of it at the time.  The next month it happened again, although there were heaps more text messages.  I asked him who it was he lied and told me a guy he worked with.  In my gut I knew that wasn't right.  I called the number and it was his ex.  I broke off the engagement, never to return to a guy who would lie to me about anything.  After three days of talking and me crying and him crying; he agreed to change his number and I agreed to get back together with him.  Needless to say, he never did cut ties with his ex and he never stopped lying to me about it. 

 

The next time was four years before we divorced.  I knew it was over when I was doing some volunteer work with a guy.  I had found myself attracted to him.  I was so surprised by it, that I tried to keep my distance from him.  Needless to say, the boy made a proposition to me that I didn't take him up on; however, I knew from that moment on I would have a difficult time recovering from those feelings.  This guy was the only guy in our ten year relationship that I was ever attracted to aside from Nathan.  It rocked my core.

 

But, Nathan and I got over it.  So, you ask.  Why aren't you still together?  There are a lot of reasons, but at the end, the fact is, I needed affection.  Nathan and I would lie in bed and he hated being touched.  If my foot bumped his leg he'd recoil so fast that it felt like a slap in the face.  He didn't kiss me on my wedding day.  You know the part that they say, "you may kiss the bride?"  His lips touched mine for a split second before he pulled away.  We spoke about it and he said, we're in front of our family, they shouldn't see us kiss.  He wouldn't hold my hand or come near me unless he wanted sex.  So my coping strategy for that was to make sure I was everything he wanted in the bedroom.  To gather as much affection as I could possibly get when I was touched.

 

That's really fucked me up.  Because now, here I am, 30 years old and logically believing that love is a tool to comfort you to the grave, and yet, wanting so desperately to have those butterflies and fairy tale love that I see others portray in their own lives.

 

I'm seeking a comfortably that I had with Nathan.  A life that you can't gain until you've earned.  I crave it.  But also feel this nagging feeling that perhaps I haven't discovered all of myself yet.  The fear that I've lost my ability to coexist with a partner is just as paralizing as the thought of coexisting with a partner.

 

I'm breaking PIB.  I'm breaking him and I'm too selfish to stop it.  When I'm not in emotional mind, I can remember the things that drew me to him were the fact he was all of the good things I wanted from all the other boys.  The things that caused me to run from those relationships, he offers to me.

 

The affection I crave (to some extent), the patience I need, the understanding and tolerance.  He's calm enough that my whirl wind personality doesn't shake him to his core.  He isn't intimidated by my flames.  I feel safe in his arms, when he offers them to me.  When he offers them to me.  He makes me feel safe.  Like I'm home.  Like there isn't anywhere in the world I'd rather be.  I don't have to pretend with him.  I am a mess.  He saw that before I even thought I had revealed myself to him.  He realized that to have expectations of me would push me away.  That my fears will always define me. 

 

I guess, this leaves me with one thing to add here.  While he gives these things to me, sometimes I need them more than others.  Since last Friday, I've been struggling in emotional mind.  Its during these times that I just want him to be serious with me.  Where I need a bit more attention during the week away.  Or a serious response to a question I ask him.  A simple text in the day that says, thinking of you, or xo, or a call at the end of the night that says, I want to hear how your day went today.  I want him to seem interested in me when I'm not around him.  Not all the time, not constantly, not in a needy I'm an annoying bratty woman, but in the same respect that I want to do for him.  Which he needs.  Which he wants.  Which he loves. He loves my random text messages during the day.  Yesterday, I called just to hear his voice. I was rewarded with a text from him that said it made his heart swell that I did that.  Its that that I LOVE.  I love knowing I make him smile and that he isn't annoyed with me making contact with him (also another fear from a past relationship).  If he loves it, why can't he just tell me that sometimes?  And why can't I ask the same from him? Or NO!  Not ask, why can't he give me the same thing?

 

All of this to sort out this simple thing.  If he loves getting it from me, why doesn't he want to give it back to me?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Passion, unattended, is a flam that burns to its own destruction.

How do I see love?

As giving.  As an unconditional thing.  That no matter what, things are dropped for the ones we love.  I see it as reliable.  And unselfish.  I see it as unremarkable to most, and as everything to few.  I see it as screaming to the world, but loving the fact its only whispered to me.  I see it as learning.  A maze of understanding.  A safety net.   A place to be vulnerable.  Somewhere to turn to when the world has let you down.  I need affirmations. And tangible proof.  I see it as educational. I want to be taught new things.  I see it as a discovery of life, the world, each other, and one’s self.  I am a doubting Tom.  I need to see it to believe it.  Show me.  In actions.

This picture is one that I have used a lot on facebook as a profile picture.  To me, this picture embodies love.  And as I write this I realize that is probably where I’ve gone wrong in my life.  See, I see this picture and I see him looking at her.  She’s happy and oblivious that his love is so strong.  I see this as a glimpse into what he’s feeling.  And at this moment, a snap shot was taken and has caught him in a raw moment in time.  One that should be preserved for them alone.  But it’s too late.  He’s been caught and she doesn’t even know it.  This picture shows a boy who loves a girl.

What do I want from love?

I want to know its real.  I want to be able to feel it when no ones around.  I want to have a shared glance and a knowing smile.  (I’m pretty sure in my private blog I have exactly what I want from love, I’ll have to take a look through my old posts)  I want something private that is allowed to be exposed to the world.  I don’t want to feel that kissing me or holding my hand in public isn’t acceptable.  I want what I put in back out.  If I’ve gone 100 miles, I want a 100 miles back.  Not because it’s required, but because they want to.

I have a hard time understanding how my expectations of love is so unrealistic.  I see love EVERYWHERE.  I just don’t understand how I can continue over and over to not feel as though it’s being given to me.  I don’t understand.  I’m a very out of sight out of mind type of person.  Unless its been engrained in my being, I forget once its out of sight.  This goes with every aspect of my life.  All last week I spoke about needing to go to the Telstra store.  The weekend comes along, I forgot.  WHY?  Because I wasn’t worried about it anymore.  It wasn’t something I HAD to remember, because I was in the moment of doing it sometime that weekend.  This is just one example of the million I could give.

He’s never said to me I’m beautiful.  We were talking this weekend and I said, she is beautiful.  Stunning.  And he replied to me, you’re beautiful.  It knocked me back.  I never get compliments or any inclination that he wants to do things for me.  To hear him say I was beautiful was something I’ll keep close to my heart forever.    I never catch looks of appreciation or glances my way.  Is this me just remembering the bad times?  I don’t think it is.

“cause you send me flowers when there’s no occasion, we talk for hours you still want to listen, won’t hold it against me if I just need you to hold me tonight”

 

How does he show me he loves me?

While I was away he washed my laundry.

He gives me hugs when he sees me.

He buys my fav foods

tu me manques

To start, I'd like to just say how much I enjoy talking to my boy.  I absolutely love love love it.  I love that we don't have these "steps" or "stages" that 'we're not yet' to.  I love that I can say the most off handed remarks without thinking and not have to worry about the consequences of the remarks.

A perfect example.  Last weekend we were sitting on the couch and he had gotten up to make dinner.  He started it and I got to finish it.  Another perk of a perfect boy is we cook together and I love it. So he had started dinner and was about finished when he came over to the couch and gave me a kiss.  The timer went off and he said, "your turn." 

I looked at him and said, "is this how life's going to be when we have a two year old running around?  We take turns?" 

He just froze.  And I said, "what?"

 He just shook his head and I said.  "You know how everyone's been talking about what their kids look like with their partners?  Well, I thought about it and I'm worried." 

He took a breath as to say something, but me being me interrupted quickly, "I'm worried if we have kids they'll be hairy as fuck. And its not so bad if they're boys. But if they're girls, they will kill us." 

And he lets out a laugh, a soft laugh.  A laugh that I will cherish for all of my days.  He scoops me up, his left arm around my legs and his right arm around my back.  He pulls me so close to him so quickly, I can't even think.  He showers me with kisses.  And I know this boy loves me.

He doesn't know how to say it as I want him to say it.  He's not even sure exactly why he loves me.  But its moments like that that I know he absolutely loves me. 

When he holds me in his arms after not seeing me for the week and his grip around me is so tight, I fear I'll suffocate, I know he misses me.

But I do know that if we have kids, they will be massive hairy.  Thanks to my mothers side of the family, my dark thick hair grows everywhere.  A flourshiment of her rich heritage right out of my every pore.

I adore him.  And he me.   And I don't have to worry about being overly excited about things. Or tiring him out.  And even though his personality is very introverted, I don't drain him with my excitement and my whirl wind personality.  I don't frustrate him to the point of sheer anger.  And its a huge weight lifted off my heart.  Its an amazing feeling.  I relish it.  He doesn't fluster me and make me lose my confidence.  When I don't hear from him all day I don't worry that he doesn't like me anymore.  I know that when he has time he'll be back.  My heart still skips a beat when I see his name come up on my phone.  I don't scare him with my intensity.  Oh, how I love that. He'll never tell me that I shine too bright.  Or the longer we stay together the more he'll fear I'll burn him.   He'll never burn because he's made of water.  And I can be two steps in one minute and two steps out the next and he holds his steady pace and he patiently waits for me to run back to him.  Always with open arms and a kiss for my lips.  How could I have never known a love like this was possible? 

Maybe by the time we have kids, permanent hair removal will be common place.  And inexpensive, and effective.   Because Lord knows, if I'm going to birth a brat, one had better be a girl.

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Tall, Lean, and Stunning: Crazy Horse Dancers

I struggle all the time with my body image.  Its never good enough to be just who I am.  There was a small period of time that I was happy with my weight.  That time is long gone now.

I struggle with wanting to look like her.

 Which I know is too skinny.  She has no muscle mass and is gangly looking.  I know its not healthy.  And I love lifting weights and eating.  So then I think, I love my muscles.  The happiest I've ever been with my body is when I was working out and lifting about 8 times a week.  It was fantastic.  I'll never be super thin...so the next best thing is this:

 

Dear Lord, you can't imagine how much time and effort goes into a body like this. Just as much self doubt and anxiety goes into a body like this as it does to my Ms. red bikini girl above.  It saddens me that in both these worlds you have woman who lack so much confidence in their image.  They push themselves to be viewed as some kind of beautiful being.  They are pushing so hard they can't see what they're doing to themselves.

This weekend, I saw the French Film FEU by Christian Louboutin.   The movie was fantastic.  Nothing like I had ever seen before.  The shoes were stunning.  But most importantly, the woman were breath taking.  They weren't skinny.  They had thighs and an ass.  They had tiny breasts and thin arms.  They had flat bellies, but were thick.  The girls weren't 19 or 20.  They were woman who had owned their bodies.  They get onto the stage and they rock confidence that makes anyone stand in awe.

They were dancers and artists.  They were stunning and at the end of it, I sat there thinking, "That's what I'd rather be."  I'd rather have a body of which I appreciate then one of which I am at constant war with.  I'd rather have a body that has natural curves and soft lines then one of which I keep scrutinizing.  One that I can walk into a room and no matter what the number on the skirt is, I will have my head held high and my ass pointed out. 

Thank you Crazy Horse dancers for showing me beauty. 

Well, for the boys at the table...

A very interesting weekend was to be had with my lovely group of friends.

A day of climbing at Mt. Ngungun was a very excellent way to start the weekend.  We took to the new set of routes like we were old pros at climbing.  And since we pretty much are, nothing less then this was expected.  I, once again failed at a specific climb....due to frustration.  Heather was very in tune to put out there for me to acknowledge;  I do get frustrated.  And scared to be honest.  As soon as I start to feel my shoulder, I panic and worry that I'm going to pull it out of the socket, which then leads me to get frustrated, which then leads me to blowing off the climb.

So, zen I must find.  Which I'm told is found within.  However, within is so disorganised that unless it has a neon sign and its screaming "I'm here!  Right here!"  Then I may not be able to find zen in any reasonable manner of time.

That night was a very pleasant evening with Mel, Crispy, PIB, and Christian.  We played a board game.  To be honest, the board game was supposed to be a drinking game (it was St. Patricks Day for crying out loud); however, we are a bit too old for that apparently, because we were stuck having so much fun with the actual game, that drinking was secondary.

I tried some fantastic new whiskeys.  Thanks Mel.  And then after a few shots, Vodka for Crispy and Smirnoff ices for Christian, we were all a bit, um er, relaxed.

So we had turned the discussion to, what else, sex. 

And we were entertained by some hilarious stories from all around the group.  PIB being his quiet self, did not disclose a much needed (thank you for respecting my feelings on this) story when the subject of "Craziest sex story" came up.  He later told me that much to the others disappointment he did have a story to share, of the backpacker he traveled with had a veggie fetish.

ANYWAY, Christin made the statement, "Well we all know that sex is for intimacy" and Mel and I stopped him in a simultaneous voice, "I don't think so."  The boys sat back in their chairs and looked at us like we were crazy.  Mel hurried an explanation, that sometimes sex is just to satisfy a need.  The boys were speechless and Christin then corrected his previous statement, after a visual confirmation of back up from PIB and Crispy, "Well, for the boys at the table..."

Its funny to me that of all the boys I've known how differently they all feel about the topic of sex.  While most of the people I know want relationships, I was under the impression that the BOYS would be the ones who would be all for a casual sexual relationships.  But I'm finding that the girls are the ones who are more apt to agree to a casual relationship. 

Is it because we're so afraid of rejection that we're willing to compromise a lifetime of happiness?  Is it because we've been hurt so many times that we feel this need to guard our hearts to the death?  Is it because we'd rather stay independent and free in our personal space then to let anyone in?

Nah.  Its simply because we recognize that at the end of the day, our vibrators aren't enough.  That we'd just like to feel someone in between our legs and we accept that you don't want to fall in love with us. 

But to be honest, we're very very very lucky to have fallen in love with boys who embrace our crazy understanding of this world, our hearts and love.  The boys who love us embrace the fact that they only understand about 10-20% of our minds thinking, 5-6% of our fears and 67-89% of our actions vs words.

So to you boys sitting at our table, thank you for loving 100% of our flaws. 

Not for the boys.

For the last month and a half my nipples have been incredibly sore. 

So I did what any normal person of my generation did, I googled it.  My google search went something like this:

My nipples hurt and I'm not near my period what could make them so tender? They don't hurt when strapped in my bra, but when pinched they do.  This used to feel good and now I just want to punch my partner in the face when his lips get near.  Please help.

Google replied:

Listen lady, I have the brain of a male.  Simplify your query.

So I tried again:

My nipples hurt.

Google said:

You're pregnant.

I bought a test.  Negative.

So I tried Google again.

My nipples hurt.  NOT pregnant.

My thorough search brought me to the first link of which I read and felt was the gospel.

It told me that it was hormones and that I needed Evening Primrose.

So I purchased some.  Directions on the side of the container, 1-3 tablets as needed with food, once daily.

For the last three days I've been popping these massive tablets (3 of them with food).  I figured I might as well kick these hormones into shape as soon as possible and one to two pills might not be enough.

END result?  Three days isn't enough time to gather the appropriate data for an honest answer. 

Will keep trying, but would be open to more suggestions.  Have any??

Don't make a promise you can't keep.

I don't know how some people live the lives they lead.

How can men successfully cheat on their wives with other woman.  I've read stories of men, and books actually (The Pilots Wife, Anita Shereve) in which men live two separate lives of one another.  Married with kids in two different towns, states, countries.  When you separate yourself so that you're split into three different lives.  You have no time for yourself at the end of the day.

I'm simply so exhausted, I'm at the verge of just caving into the pressure and walking away from all of it.

I have the life I want to live.  In Brisbane, with my friends and the volunteering and social activities.  The life I remember last year, I was so anxious and excited to bring to fruition.

I have the life I have to have.  Here in Bundaberg.  To keep a piece of the life above; I keep this life here during the week.  Only seeing a glimpse of what I want during the weekends.  I run myself ragged living between the two.  The job here has its perks.  Today, I enjoyed working for someone.  Not being responsible for decisions.  Or having people hate me because I make choices they aren't happy with.

Then I have the life I walked away from.  Still nagging me.  Still taking a chunk of my soul.  Still requiring obligations of being an adult and a leader. 

I'm breaking.  I'm crumbling under the pressure.  I can't fully thrive in any of the lives because I'm split between obligation/desire//need. 

I remember living in the house on Montague street.  I couldn't have been happier.  I was having casual sex with a friend with no real attachments to boys.   I was living in a house with the most amazing people I've ever met to date.  I had a circle of friends that leaves me speechless at the moment.  I had a structured life of Climbing, Yoga, Bootcamp, Climbing, Yoga and volunteering. (yes, yoga was twice a week). 

I can't remember any real issues or struggles. 

I'm not asking that I live one life.  Just wondering how people do it.  How do they throw an entire candle into the fire and walk away with a wax figure and not a hot mess of burning wax?

Living here in Bundy is something I hate.  But honestly, after today's meetings and my breakfast, I could settle here.  I could say, okay, enough is enough and live one life here.  I could find a routine and a network and be employed. 

I could work my way back into who I was before my divorce.  An influential member of the community.  I have a natural way of impressing people.  I don't feel weak here.  I am confident again in the decisions I make.   Keeping myself at arms length is one of the best things I do in life. 

I should stick to it.  Because I can't keep the expectations of me in peoples heads.  I can't do it.  And when I say that, they immediately turn their backs on me.  Getting emotional and upset.  Instead of seeing what is at hand, they make it about them and not about the logic behind my decisions.

Its old and I'm tired.  I'm old.  And I'm tired.  I'm sick of people saying one thing to my face and acting different in the next second.

I promise myself to look after me. 













..........................................................




Ah fuck it, who am I kidding.  That's a promise I can't keep.

Its a Bitchfest

I have been looking for myself for oh quite some time now.  I have looked in books, in God, in pushing comfort zones, in meditation, in acting out, in men, in friends, and who knows what else.

I've ignored intuition and I've kicked out my quiet voice of instinct. (yes, there is something quiet about me).

I've been described as, having "an energy that seems to ignite."  "You're like a spreading fire" with "aggressive raw bruite force" who is such a "beautiful mess."

I've tried changing that for the longest time.  And I've succeeded.  I don't see that part of me anymore.  I'm pretty sure that PIB hasn't seen that part of me.  AND I know that people who have known me all my life can honestly say that this part of me doesn't dominate.

Well, to that I say FUCK YOU.  I'm brining it back.  If I want something, I'm going to get it.  If my instinct is telling me to let go; I'm letting go. 

And if you think I'm afraid you're "going to walk."  Let me tell you something.  I have allowed way too many ugly people pass through my journey.  You know, they're pretty hard to spot.  Someone like me, who gives until she is raw.  Who bends and doesn't break.  Who wants nothing more in the life than to please people.  Allows someone like you in.  Someone who says kind words, supportive words to your face, hugs you in your times of need, says they understand and will help you however you need. 

But heres the funny thing about lies, your true character comes out. Not only always in how you act when I'm looking.  But when my back is turned.  When I'm out of the room and  I'm not watching anymore.  And you're the person screaming on the top of your lungs that I'm an ugly person.  When all the people who come in contact with you, feel bad for you. 

If you're not be able to recognize that I'm doing my best then maybe this boat isn't for you. 

We should be able to look at one another and say, You know what?  We gave it a go.  Lets just call it quits.  Nice knowing you.  It shouldn't have to be to the point where people in life hate each other before calling it quits. Suck it up princess, it isn't working.

We tried.  Learned some shit.  We're over it.

I don't ever want to trust friendship over myself ever again.

I won't make it alone

nancystagerat.deviantart.com

I'm scared today
More than I told you I was yesterday
Give me a moment to catch my breath
And hold me every second left
Proud of me
That's the only way I want you to be
Look at me and love what you see

I won't make it alone
I need something to hold

Kiss me on my shoulder
Tell me it's not over
I promise to always come home to you
Remind me that I'm older
To be brave, smart, sweet, and bolder
And don't give up on what we're trying to do
Don't count the miles, count the I love yous

We made it out
I know the other people are asking how
This doesn't even sound like truth
To grow from a booth
But one day we will realize
How hard it was, how hard we tried
And how our hearts made it out alive

Kiss me on my shoulder
Tell me it's not over
I promise to always come home to you
Remind me that I'm older
To be brave, smart, sweet, and bolder
And don't give up on what we're trying to do
Don't count the miles, count the I love yous

These are words I wish you said
But that's not how it went
Cause you gave up on us in the end

And I won't make it alone
I need something to hold

Kiss me on my shoulder
To tell me it's not over
I promise to always come home to you
Remind me that I'm older
To be brave, smart, sweet, and bolder
And don't give up on what we're trying to do

Kiss me on my shoulder
And tell me it's not over
I promise to come home to you
Remind me that I'm older
To be brave, smart, sweet, and bolder
And don't give up on what we're trying to do
Don't count the miles, count the I love yous

~Christina Perry

Peeing, much like love, gets tedious

A fav post from my personal, non published blog.  Thought I'd reshare. <3 p="">

 

 

 

Ugh! I hate taking the time out of my day to pee. For the reasons I am going to share with you here.

First, I'd like to state that I am not asking for my bladder to be removed or that my life requires me no longer pee. I'm only making the fair statement that peeing is time consuming and annoying.

I am working on my meal plan. Not to lose weight, but to just eat healthier in general. I still afford myself the luxuries of the things I love, e.g. all food. However, eating in moderation and differently would be my "meal plan." With this said, when I'm hungry between meals, I'm drinking water. Which means more peeing. The uncomfortableness of sitting at a computer with a full bladder is one thing....but with my bladder; I feel like I'm going to explode and overflow immediately!

I know for a fact that my bladder is not smaller then Trista's because she will pee a million times over when we go out. (This may be due in large part to her ability to drink 95 beers in an hour time frame and me nurse on my one) Either way, she will pee 900 times to my one. Which can also be very annoying when we're on the dance floor, grooving to Jennifer Lopez's "On the Floor" and we can't be because she is squatting....well probably not squatting if she is super drunk, over the toilet in one of Pittsburgh's finest bars.

Regardless, let me get back on track here....as I bring my dog, Erion, to the office peeing is even more annoying because anyone who has a dog knows they simply can't get away from their dogs long enough to pee. So just when Erion is calm and laying lazily under my feet under the desk, my bladder strikes. I must then go to the employee bathroom, all the way in the back and do a mirror dance with Erion. She likes to think she can read my mind. She will move right into the stall to "get out of my way." When she sees me approaching she will maneuver to my left, but to get out of her way, I've moved to my left. Once we are situated and I'm finally squatting over the toilet....unless I've had an awesome leg day any of the four days prior then I have to sit. (Yeager has me squatting upwards of 135 and no foreseeable plans to stop at 135 once I've mastered it) which is great for me, bad for my legs as they will scream in pain for the next 100 years and when they finally stop screaming, we squat again.... the vicious cycle keeps rolling and rolling) I can finally pee. Then I have to wash my hands, for political reasons, not because I'm 100% sold that I have to.

Heading back to my desk I must reign Erion in from stopping by every ones office and licking them. At my desk, I must snap my fingers and sternly say, "Erion" to keep her from bothering the intake coordinator, the intern, or either of my secretaries. And after what feels about an hour, she finally settles down under my desk.

annnnnddddd.....it starts all over again. All day. Every day.

xoxooxo

Another item in the "Get Over it" pile.

Today I stepped on to the scale.  I weigh the most I've weighed in over 2 years.

Lucky I had already planned to start the gym on a regular basis.  As I did my first set of reps in such a long time-I realize that I'm missing a partner of whom I could count on to push me.  Someone who encourages me to do my best in the things I love and enjoy.  I had asked PIB about climbing and using his pass a while back.  He refused to let me because his "regular climbing partner wanted it."  I was too shocked to reply.  Mainly, because we never get the chance to climb together and it was an opportunity missed.  

He was a big reason I pushed myself to climb again.  Sure Justin and I went climbing in Melbourne, but I really had no motivation to be a better climber at that point.

I gave that up with TWO.

HHBL, SRW, and TWO all pushed me physically.  Made me do things I'm capable of doing, but didn't want to do on my own.  I miss that.  More than I realized.

This weekend I asked PIB to climb.  He didn't want to.  So we didn't. 

Side note: This morning I got a text from him after I explained how I was feeling and as usual he takes a defensive mode.  Doesn't hear what I'm saying.  So I guess, I'll just deal with it.

I'm over being fat.  I'm back in the gym and I'll find someone to work out with. 

I'm tired of empty promises.

The last Installment of 30 Years; 30 People

21. Words matter.  Choose them wisley ( SRW)

You can never always put yourself into someones shoes.  But you can try.  And fail.  Keep your mind and heart open because you never know how love will endure.

22.  Life is a daring adventure.  (Webster)

And its only a plane ride away.  Take a chance.  Allow yourself to be pushed over the edge.  Live, love, laugh.

23.  Love shouldn't hurt.  (Shel Silverstien)

“And after a long time the boy came back again.
"I am sorry, Boy," said the tree, "but I have nothing left to give you-
My apples are gone."
"My teeth are too weak for apples," said the boy.
"My branches are gone," said the tree.
"You cannot swing on them-"
"I am too old to swing on branches," said the boy.
"My trunk is gone," said the tree.
"You cannot climb-"
"I am too tired to climb," said the boy.
"I am sorry," sighed the tree.
"I wish that I could give you something... but I have nothing left. I am an old stump. I am sorry..."
"I don't need very much now," said the boy, "just a quiet pleace to sit and rest. I am very tired."
"Well," said the tree, straightening herself up as much as she could,
"well, an old stump is a good for sitting and resting. Come, Boy, sit down. Sit down and rest."
And the boy did.
And the tree was happy.”
― Shel Silverstein, The Giving Tree

24. A friend of yours is a friend of mine.  (The Ah Wongs, Aimee W.)

There are no strangers among friends.  Six degrees of seperation.  Love they neighbor.  No matter how you view it, open your heart and your home to friends of friends.  Meet someone new.  Love someone you don't know.

25. Stand up for yourself.  (my sister)

People are going to pick and tease. You don't always have to fight back, but you can stand up for yourself regardless.  Know which battles to choose.

26.  Follow your dreams. (Robert C.)

The most unexpected journey in life is the one you do with the prompting and encouragement of those around you.  Take a chance.  In the end, everything happens the way its supposed to.

27.  Be kind.  (Billie Jo S.)

People will treat you unkindly.  Always be the soft kind voice of reason.

28.  You have no control over who likes you and why.  (Derek R.)

You can't please everyone.  No matter how hard you try.  And at the end of the day, someone can end up disliking you all because you followed what you knew was right.  Leave 'em behind.  No one needs a negative nancy fucking up your life.

29.  There is no subsitute for reality. (Nathan E.)

One should stop expecting people to meet their expectations.  We should see people as they are and now as we wish them to be.

30.  Love, in its truest form, is unconditional (Erion)

Although she's a dog, she has shown me that its possible just simply to love.  Unconditionally. 

30 years; 30 people Part 2 (11-20)

11. Don't always look back (Steve Jobs)

"If you want to live your life in a creative way, as an artist, you have to not look back too much. You have to be willing to take whatever you've done and whoever you were and throw them away."

12. No matter where life takes you, true friends are always right there.  (Rach)

Time and space have no relevance with true blue friends.  If they love you, they'll be there when you need them the most. 

13. A best friend will do what?? Trista

Best friendship in its rarest form will lead you to trouble, fun, and excitement, but if you trust them; they will be there for you when you're both in trouble.

14. Keep your eyes open for what you're going to miss.  (Paulo Coelho)

“The simple things are also the most extraordinary things, and only the wise can see them.”
― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

15. Some lessons in life have to be learned the hard way. (B. Decorte)

And some people will be there to remind you every time you make a mistake.  Pick yourself up and keep on going.  Someday, you'll either get it right, or it won't matter anymore.  Either way, keep trying.

16. You can't control anything except your emotions, reactions, and actions. (Neale Donald Walsch)

“What's happening is merely what's happening. How you feel about it is another matter.”
― Neale Donald Walsch, Conversations With God: An Uncommon Dialogue, Vol. 1

17.  Rethink your defintion of Soul Mate.  (Elizabeth Gilbert)

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master...”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

18. Right here.  Right now.  That's what defines your soul.  (Kate C.)

To find peace is difficult.  Stop looking.  Be at one with yourself and the rest of the mess will fall into order. 

19. Talk about how you feel, if you must.  (Alain de Botton)

 “As victims of hurt, we frequently don't bring up what ails us, because so many wounds look absurd in the light of day.”
― Alain de Botton, Religion for Atheists: A Non-Believer's Guide to the Uses of Religion

20.  Wise Mind is not Emotional Mind (Buddah)

Figure out the difference.  Apply life accordingly.

Actions vs. Words

Can I hear the most important of the two?

I'm having a bit of a difficult moment.   Over the weekend; the boy clicked into his phone and I noticed he'd changed his password.   As I try not to be offended; I can't help but to have it nag the back of my mind.  And I know I had brought me changing my password up in an argument once.  What I didn't explain is that its policy in my practice to change the password on a regular basis.  As we do receive e-mails and have other sensitive things attached to our phones, its impairative that we protect our clients.

While I was away we spoke about trust.  At one point I had said to him, do I believe what you say or what you do?

I have no doubt, because I'm the same, that our intentions to be different is there.  However, when it comes right down to action, we aren't exactly pulling through.  We.  Both of us.  As I pondered things on my drive today and then just now, after reviewing the stipulations for a defacto visa, I can't help but to have a nagging feeling that just won't go away.

This keeps me a bit more distant then I would like.  I do have to admit that I have given of myself to him more than any other person I've been with in 2.5 years.  This leaves me more vulnerable then I'd like; however, it doesn't stop me from being cautious.

30 Years; 30 People (1 through 10)

I'm going to take the next couple of months to remember and post about 30 people who have changed my views; my life; and my journey.

www.xkcd.com

1. Embrace Our Vulnerability (Brene Brown)

Sent to me by my dear friend, P.  Brene Brown presents her speech on TED Talk.  She tells us, "Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love, belonging and joy."   This has been a long hard journey for me to 1. accept this knowledge, 2. embrace this knowledge and 3. apply this knowledge.  I'm still working on it.  Every moment of every day.

2. Nothing Changes in a Year (Ashley W.)

Ashley was one of the only people who encouraged me without hesitation to follow my dreams.  She said, nothing changes in a year.  She has since said that if she had known that I'd be gone forever, she wouldn't have encouraged me so strongly.


3.  Not all Lessons to be Taught should be Learnt (TWO)

Listening to Missy Higgens Scar today in the car, I realize that people have so much to offer and give; but at the end of the day, every lesson in life doesn't have to be absorbed and applied.  It doesn't need to be contemplated and chewed and digested for real life application.  Take the ones you want to learn, and run.

4.  Be Myself, always (PIB)

The easiest relationship I have had and by far in the same breath, the hardest, is the one where he has without fail accepted me as me.  He sees right through me to my core.  It doesn't matter what I tell him, he loves me because of these things.  This is with every ounce of my breath, a relationship worth all the struggle.  Revealing who I am isn't easy, but knowing he still loves me; makes it worth it.


5.  Create Something Meaningful (Priscilla K)

Who knows where we'll be or how we'll get there.  Life is a journey that should be enjoyed.  Come to peace with yourself and be happy.  This leads to a life worth living.

6. Believe in Myself (Yeager)

My first female trainer was more than inspiration to me.  She worked just as hard for me to get to the finish line as she did herself.  I know that its mind over matter and I've experienced it.  When no one else believes, all you've got is yourself.

7. You don't have to understand someone to let them follow their dreams. (MJ)

Life leads everyone down a different path.  Each persons desires and ambitions are completely fueled by some spark that another person may not be able to see.  Just because you don't understand, doesn't mean, that when your paths cross, you can't encourage them through to theirs.

8.  Love is a bottomless pit. (My Parents)

No matter how I argue, fight, or love; my parents embrace the change and weather the storm.  They have shown me that, yes, I won't know true love until I've become a parent.

9. Goodness comes from unexpected places. (Molly M.)

My fifth grade teacher was an idol for me.  Perfect and beautiful, she had her life together.  Every year, she sponsored me in full to attend a youth convention.  She never expected anything from me and gave without thinking.  I'm still shy as fuck around her, but you never know where you'll find some kindness.

10.  Good Friends; you may only meet once. (Megan Tan)

Megan and I met on the snowy slopes of Peek n Peak.  Chillin' by the fire, we found it easy to chit chat.  Once out on the open slopes, our talk turned to books and life.  She introduced me to several life changing books and for that; I will never forget her.  Look for friendship everywhere, even if you have nothing to offer but conversation.