The silence is deafening.

How do you feel?  This is the question of the hour.

Good. I say.

It's a lie. I feel empty. Hollow. Alone. I've fought an uphill battle never alone, but always by myself; for the last two years and no one was going to win. How can this be a victory? The end of a decade. And end of what was to be forever?

I have 24 hours to decide what I want to do. I know what I want. I know where I stand. I'm just trying to see if I have the courage to do it. I'm weak though.

I stumbled upon the perfect lyrics for me today. The song is called "failure in disguise" and the lyrics are, "Have you ever felt as though you've stepped over the line? And then, did you just pretend everything is fine? Have you ever felt that no one knows who you are? Have you ever felt like a failure in disguise?"

I snapped at everyone today. Today should have been THE DAY. My chains have been released. But this black hole feeling has left me spinning and empty. I'm not shocked by the feeling. I can't determine if I'm in emotional mind or not. Is no feeling emotional mind? Is a numbness that shakes your soul, if I have a soul, emotion?

I have a job to do here. How do I leave that responsibility to someone else? How do I walk away at the bottom of the 9th and say, good luck. When the team is relying on me. And I'm just saying well, I've a new life now. I can't do it.

Was Nathan always a dick? Or did I turn him into one? How can I say anything about his behaviors of selfishness when I'm doing the same thing.

I can't even think to write. My hands are shaking. My heart is hollow and I have no one to turn to. So perhaps I'll just try and read and drown out this silence in my brain.

To the Peanut Butter of my Jelly.

 

 

I feel so elementary as I blog about this.  However, I can't help being excited.  See here's the thing; I haven't trusted anyone longer than two months in the last two years.  And here I am.  Five months into this relationship.  I'm finally getting to the point where I'm saying, yes, this is real. I need to say though, this boy has fought hard the last few months to drill into my head that we are worth it.  He is the sole reason we are still together.  He has fought for our future harder then I could even think would be possible.  He has taught me that even though we shut down, its worth going back for.  We have both worked on our ways to communicate and change who we are to make a relationship work.  Its hard fucking work too!  You have two grown adults who have done things their own way for way too long.  And now to compromise and contribute to another's life is not easy to say the least.

 

He said to me last night, I want the house and the dog.  Wait.  You've already had that.  You want something different.  I said, No.  I do want that.  I want that a lot.  Just not by myself and not with the wrong person.

 

 

 

We're both ready for this.  I know it, although, can't bring myself to put anything formalized on paper.  I realize he is thinking about our plans for the future.  For the long term.  And no, I don't think it's too early.  Mel and Crispy are doing and have been dating a month or two longer then PIB and I.  They have moved into a relationship that's so comfortable with one another.  I love seeing or hearing them talk about one another.  They adore each other.  And Amber and Graeme?  I hold my breath everyday that the God's will finally give the two of them a break and just let them be near each other again. 

 

While I can't bring myself to signing any formal documents, I'm going to put this in writing; to be documented on 2/19/2013 at 1:34pm EST (US time), I am beginning to believe in love.  And whatever all it entails.   

Todays Lesson: Use your words.

www.xkcd.com

I need to stop shutting down.  Yesterday the boy and I were discussing my blog.  He stated he has read past posts.  Of which, I feel awful about.  It would be hard to read something by someone you love in regards to someone they were involved with.  I admit, I've facebook stalked his ex.  She's beautiful.  And I'm sure fun.  I told him that she was no longer friends with him, he didn't even realize.  I've read the things she's posted on his wall from when they were dating.  I've viewed the pictures they're tagged in.  Its curiosity.  The same "need" that MBB wants filled.  Its a terrible idea.  You only end up feeling worse.

My blog is raw and emotional.  I rarely go back and read what I've written.  This includes correcting it before posting, sorry grammar Nazis.  Although, at times, for various reasons, I do go back and read a post or two.  At that time, I realize how raw it is.  How I've put myself out there for others to see my dark side.

After LEA and my conversation last night, I reviewed some posts.  I took down my blog.  This morning Angela posted a post from her blog:

http://travelsofayoungwife.blogspot.com/2013/02/perspective.html

And I realize that anyone posting a blog is posting raw emotion.  Anyone who writes is asking for the world to take a look at their soul and examine.  To provide insight into what the writer needs and wants in and from life.

He told me he'd stop reading so I could continue writing.  But here's the thing babe; I want you to be there for me.  I want you to give me your insight. 

You mean so much to me.  This is the way I communicate.  This is how I let the world see into my soul.  If you can handle it; who am I to tell you you can't?

I'm trying.  Hard.  Very. Very. Very. Hard.  Thank you for keeping me on belay!


xoxoxo

Just let it be

Thank You Karma for showing me Grace

I know a young girl who at 19 bought a house. From Facebook, she posts heartache and pain in regards to her relationship with her boyfriend. I know that it's not possible to give someone hindsight. It's also not likely that they can take your lessons and apply them accordingly.

Its not that I don't want her to learn life lessons on her own. she should live and learn. What I would want to do is protect her from the scars that relationships like this leave.

In the last two years I have dated some very good guys. Each of whom had their own issues in regards to relationships,their own baggage. But each of them thinking they were ready to be loved by me.

Each of them not being 100% of what I needed at the time.

PIB is the best of every boy I have ever dated. On top of that he brings so much more then I ever thought I wanted or needed to a relationship. He and I spoke about things before we were dating about guys needing things that woman need.

When I look back at my previous relationships; I was the person I feared the boys were going to be. The love em and leave em type. The one who didn't want to commit. The heartless one. PIB, Has offered to me a chance to come in on a Defacto Visa and I cant bring myself to accept this as a real possibility. It requires of me a level of written commitment that due to my marriage, I don't feel capable of giving to someone again. He tells me time and time again that just like the Tardis, his love is much bigger than it appears. That all I have to do is step inside and it's all mine.

I would enter relationships before and protect myself emotionally. With sex I would give them the emotionless side of me. I didn't even realize what I was doing. I knew I was doing it. I just didn't realize how detrimental that is to myself, another person, and the chance of building a relationship.

With PIB, he's made me realize that the very person I was protecting myself from, I had become. We are working on tearing down those walls. This whole time I had been working on breaking my sexual comfort zones. Working on getting over my fear of sex in a relationship. But what PIB has shown me is that just as I crave, men want to be loved too. They too want the emotion and the tenderness that women crave and seek.

I must admit here, as there isn't much in the blog in regards to TWO, but a major reason our relationship didn't work out is because of this very factor. Whilst there were other major issues, this was something he and I discussed on a very regular basis. Although, from a different point of view. I remember him saying to Me, I want it slow and I don't want it to feel like we're always just fucking. And I couldnt do it. He had asked and I deflected. I told him I wasn't ready and that I couldn't offer that to him.

I couldn't give him what he needed.

Instead of getting mad and frustrated with me, Instead of telling me that all I want is fun parks, fucking and fireworks, PIB recognizes my scars, he empathizes with me. His patience and understanding allows me to crumble without me even realizing. It allows me to break down walls on my own terms. He doesn't push. He's patient.

I know I don't deserve him. I know that I've broken my fair share of hearts and for that karma should be kicking me in the ass. But maybe karma allows for grace. And she has said, I understand that you weren't trying to be a dick. That you didn't realize your transgressions and therefore, I bestow upon you a boy who is confident in himself that he can teach you the life lessons you need.

And for that I thank you lady. And please please don't let the girl from the beginning of my story become so scarred that she can't recover from the mistakes she is so obviously making at the age I made the same mistakes.

Philosophy

www.xkcd.com

My poor boy.  I have no idea how he puts up with me.  How my thoughts don't make him want to kill me.  My mind changes with the wind.  Thoughts come and go faster than most can comprehend.  I don't know what I want and will aimlessly wander until something feels right. 

Most of the time, it doesn't affect anyone.  My loved ones can easily sit by and just wait for me to be content.  PIB on the other hand, feels every painful emotion of my thoughts.  I simply can't wait to be in his arms again.  So no matter where my thoughts lead me, my heart takes me right back to him.

"But I believe in love
And I know that you do too
And I believe in some kind of path
That we can walk down, me and you
So keep your candles burning
Make her journey bright and pure
That she'll keep returning
Always and evermore

Into my arms, o lord
Into my arms, o lord
Into my arms, o lord
Into my arms"

I simply love him.  In that, my heart bursts when I think about him.  He takes my breath away.  He enhances my happiness. 

I'm terrified.

I knew this would happen. My practice gets in my blood. It's in my soul and who I am. No matter how I try or resist- I can never walk away.

It succeeds with minimal structure. Now that I'm back, I have this desire to stay and grow it. Expand and take it to its fullest potential. It's possible to become the largest agency in the area. I know it. To have two more offices with no problems. The ideas flow from my finger tips faster than I have the ability to even comprehend that I've had a thought.

I get excited and energized while talking or thinking about it. This practice was what I was born to do. I know it. I can't deny that for much longer. I don't have this spark or drive when I'm in bundaberg. I don't have this desire to want to progress there like I do sitting in my office.

Ive been away for a year and my energies have been rekindled. I know I dont want to stay in this area forever, but I wouldn't mind the next few months. Get this place back to my spirit. My voice. What I embodied it to be.

Thinking. Thinking. Thinking. The possibilities are endless.

So at this point- do I live a life I want professionally or do I live the life I want personally?

Feb 7, 2013

I feel (and am told) that I have accomplished a lot so far in life. I don't feel ask though I'm done making my mark on society. So far from it really. I still want to do more volunteering in Africa and so many other places. But those dreams are on hold for now.

My mom has always been so proud of the things I've done. But some things seem like a bigger deal to her than others. And maybe it's just what Im around to hear her talk about. Last night she continued to introduce me as this is my daughter who lives in Australia. Haha like that's the only think I'm known for.

It's a really good feeling to know that the choices I've made in life have made her happy. I know she was so upset with the divorce so it's good to have her move past it. Although the fact Nathan is being a dick helps.

It appears that I have another 2-3 months to wait before its officially final. I hope. I think. I'm trying not to put too much energy into hoping. I fear it would only lead me to be disappointment. Again.

I spoke to my attorney yesterday whose first question to me was, are you engaged. Um, no. I don't think getting married again right now is the best decision this girl could make. Although a commitment to spend  the rest of my days with PIB isn't far from my mind on a regular basis. (verbal, not written). Haha- oh dear, I know he reads these- maybe I should delete some of these thoughts?
He is so good to me. I remember asking him once if he were okay with him being my one. He said yes. I was so pleased. And still giddy to think about it. And in my mind I have committed my heart and soul to the boy. But would run if he wanted to give me a ring.... Ok, I'm going to stop now. Need to take things one day at a time. Firstly, get through these next three weeks.

Feb 6, 2013

When I come home I expect to see the changes of my nephew.   I expect that he has things to show me and to be in awe of his developments.  Someone I don't expect to be impressed by is my 21 year old brother. 

But low and behold, this kid shows time and time again what a man he has grown into.  He has a big giving heart, takes after my mother and is just so kind to people.   I'm shocked that my parents pulled off raising him in such a manner, haha- we thought he was lost. 

Today he has taken me to the home of where he is living. Long story short, he's living with the family of his ex girlfriend.  He has taken on the role of older brother for the youngest boy in the family. 

He talks so passionately about the kid. He loves the fact the kid looks up to him. And the parents love the fact RJ has helped keep this kid out of trouble.  

On top of being a role model; My brother is quite impressive when he tells me how he handle girls and their bull shit. 

I have always loved picking RJ's brain for a male point of view.  I love learning how he sees things. 

My brother will end up with a deserving girl.  I know it. ❤❤

Feb 5th 2013

I don't think I completely understand other peoples happiness. 

I love to travel. All I think about is how I can get my loved ones to experience the things I have. I can't comprehend how my dad is happy at the end of a long six day work week. Or how my sister just wants to be with her baby. Or how Megan is so thrilled to be pregnant. 

I'm always wanting more. Something different. Seeking and thriving on the changes in my life. I'm so bored with bundaberg I could kill myself. 

What motivates people?

I think It's love. What a concept. A love of what? For my dad it's the love of spending time with our family. And my sister it's the love of a life long dream come true. She has always wanted a baby. I'm a bit more selfish. For me - it's because I love the feeling of being loved. Oh Jesus, should I admit that on paper? 

Should I tell the whole world that I'm so selfish that I stay in bundaberg because the boy loves me and for that I love him?  I love him because he wakes up in the morning more cheerful and peppy then he is the entire day.  He wakes up with a smile that reaches his eyes and a joke on his lips. In the early hours of daylight,  he hugs me so tight I can't breath. 

I don't want that to end. I don't want it to change.   I'm oh so happy with him. I don't want my dark side to kill him. 

I'm sorry I'm not a tender giving loving girl

I almost blew it again.

When emotional mind creeps in a neediness that boys hate comes with it. It doesn't happen, to the extent it was yesterday, very often.

A vulnerable state of mind that allows me to be tender and girls. But leaves me too sensitive to his feelings and moods. My fear when is frustrated is that he is thinking why am I bothering with this mess? That he will come to his senses and realize There are girls out there who can be tender and loving 24 hours a day. My fear is he's thinking about walking away. Worse- he wont be thinking this in the heat of the moment. He'll wait for when he's alone to process what happened and decide that it's not worth the headache, the heartaches, the tears and the fears.

So I walk first. I leave him instead.

I hate it. I never want to do it. I need him to come to me and hug me hard and tell me that we can fight, but he won't leave me. Hug me long. Longer than he thinks is necessary. The barrier is dense, but not tough to break. I need to know that he can be mad and frustrated with me, without the ramifications of him wanting to find someone else.

I know I can't ask him to do that. I can't ask him to change who he is. Because as much as I try to change, I can't change me.

I like to think that if he let me know enough times during our fights then I'll trust that he won't leave me. That eventually my fear won't drive me away from him.

I can't ask such a huge change from him. So we both shut down and then blow up. It's less than before, but still happens.

It's apart of my broken soul that is severely shattered. He said we both have baggage, but I don't see his.

I don't know why I have this fear of being left? When I've thought about it- I've come to the conclusion that Nathan gave up on us. That he withdrew into his video games and tv shows so far that I couldn't save him. His depression ate him alive and even though I fought for him-he'd already checked out. So four more years and I was still fighting and waiting for him. What a foolish foolish girl I was.

This, I fear, leads me to push PIB away. My fear is saying, don't make either of us sit around until it's so bad that we hate each other.

Fuck, I love this boy. I love giving myself to him. I love being vulnerable. I love being myself with him. I want him to save me when I'm tired of trying to save myself.

We spoke about the trees and love and growing apart. I love his take on it. See I want nothing more than to learn from my partner. I want them to push my comfort zones and make me think.

He said, the roots would be intertwined. You wouldn't be able to see it, but even though the trees are side by side and separate, underneath they are bound to one another. Even though the trunks aren't touching, the branches would. While separate, they still need one another for support and grounding.

Logically,I need to stop doubting that I'm capable of being loved. I need to embrace the fact that he wants me.

~a girl born on her mothers vacation because I was too stubborn to come out on my due date

~a girl who has failed at relationships too many times to want to count.

~a girl who spooks so easily as though an offer of the heart is a slap on the face.

I long go accept this love you offer. I long to be the girl of your dreams. Your one. I want you to always give me what I need and take what you want.

❤

Stop wasting time

I'm not envious per se.  I'm not completely 1000% jealous.  ish.  But heres the thing.  I see friends who have done it right. Life.  Family.  Living. 

Who is to say I've done it wrong?  But this feeling I have tells me that maybe something is not in line. 

Friends, Travel, Dating, College, Job, Travel, Marriage, Travel, House, Kids.  I have one particular person in mind when typing this blog.  One person who stands out as my ideal picture of the way life should be.  She has it all.  And I can't tell you that it has been easy for her.  The kids part was the most difficult.  She was finally blessed with a second baby girl after so many failed attempts.  I think the fact she was raised with money makes her life that much easier. 

I had started off wrong, getting married before college.  Earning money before an education.  That only takes someone so far.  I know I can't complain.  I have a fantastic life.  But as I always do, I look down the road and wonder: where will I be in ten years time?

When I'm 40, will I have a kid?  Another house?  Another husband? Another dog? Another whatever.

I've had my chance at this perfect life.  A walk I chose to deviate from.  A path I burned with a desire to see the flame.  I won't have 50 years with my husband, if I ever marry again.  I won't be young enough to enjoy my kids graduations.  I won't have ten good years to give to someone before we start our family.  Why is this so important to me?  My friends here in Australia are so different than my friends back in the States.  No one here is married.  No one here has kids.  No one even really seems all that concerned to get things like that started. 

Back to my burning question from two years ago.  What is marriage for?  Why do we feel the need to have the white dress and the diamond ring?  I'm a bit worried that PIB doesn't want kids.  I say I don't either, but I know with the right person, I'm going to be easily pursuaded.  I've thought about it with two others (although, one wasn't ready to verbally talk about it with me.) But I've sat down and said, yes, they would make good dads.  I'd want their babies. 

Nathan said he didn't want kids through our whole marriage, but at the end, tells me "I wanted them and you didn't."  So, here I was thinking he didn't want kids either and he did.  They would be adorable as babies too.  Blue eyes and blonde hair.  All four of the neices and nephews were beautiful. 

Ugh-No more of this train of thought today.  Too much of a time waster.

I'm going to buy a polka dotted piggy

I have never been a saver.  My sister and I would earn our allowance, $10 a week.  We had piggy banks, pigs with polka dots.  Lori's was orange, I can't remember mine. Do you know why I remember the color of Lori's bank and not mine?  Its because, without fail, I would run out of my allowance before my next pay and would need to borrow money from her.  Her pig was both a blessing and a curse to me.  And mine?  Well, mine was never seen.

I have this mind set that if you want something buy it.  Why not.  Life is too short to WANT anything.  However, who needs all the things we can buy?

With this said, I have decided to seriously buckle down.  Save money.  Live on a budget.  Maybe donate more to charity.

To do this, I'm expecting everyone possible to hold me accountable.  Remind me kindly what sort of allowance I'm on.  I'm going to live soley off the amount of money I make here in Australia.  Now that my savings fund has been completely depleted with one year of traveling.

So, when I get back from the States, the boy and I will be sitting down and working out a maintable budget.  (With his ability to spend in mind as well).  Its an exciting challenge that I'm ready (in thought) to take on.



What do you bring?

Kara and I were doing our road trip to Bargara and back yesterday.  We were talking about how the boys in our life have created who we are today.

With each person we've slept with, we become more comfortable with new positions and ways and places to have sex.  I didn't really think much about that part of the conversation until a few moments ago.

As we date people we are introduced to new things that we eventually take on as our own.

For me:

Music
Hello Kitty
Motorcycles
Australia

For the boy, its words.  Ones I'm thankful that he hasn't used often with me.  I wonder the origin and the back story.  But I know its not appropriate to ask about the backstory.

Thought from me to you today, Are there things you've taken from past relationships to your new ones?  What are they and how have they made you who they are today?

xoxo