The saddest words I've ever heard.

"How much longer before you run away?"

He knows that I'm not happy in this city. So far from friends and family.  A fast paced life I've already walked away from years ago.  A girl I hated then, a girl I loath to become again.  The idea of becoming that girl is depression.

Depressive symptoms:

Behaviour

• not going out anymore
• not getting things done at work/school
• withdrawing from close family and friends
• relying on alcohol and sedatives
• not doing usual enjoyable activities
• unable to concentrate

Feelings

• overwhelmed
• guilty
• irritable
• frustrated
• lacking in confidence
• unhappy
• indecisive
• disappointed
• miserable
• sad

I hate this field.  I've always hated this field. Is it because this field reminds me of the girl I hate?  Or is it simply because its depressing.   I hate that I've withdrawn from him, because I do love him.  I just hate this city and the life it offers.

Thoughts

• 'I’m a failure.'
• 'It’s my fault.'
• 'Nothing good ever happens to me.'
• 'I’m worthless.'
• 'Life’s not worth living.'
• 'People would be better off without me.'

Physical

• tired all the time
• sick and run down
• headaches and muscle pains
• churning gut
• sleep problems
• loss or change of appetite
• significant weight loss or gain

My time is precious; yet wasted every day

Seventeen days.  1-7 days since my last post.  What has happened?  Oh so much.  My visa has come through allowing me to be a "provisional resident."  Whoot whoot!!!  I'm so extremely excited about that.  My travel and work restrictions has been lifted.  It was a torturous 5 1/2 months, one that I can't feel as though I've learned anything about anything.  My stress levels were extremely elevated, the relationship of the Boy and I was put to a massive test.  It didn't bring us closer.  Our relationship isn't better off because of it.

I am the luckiest girl in the world to be loved by thee.......

I haven't really ever felt lonely.  I left the United States in the brink of my divorce.  Ready to see the world, I travelled to the only place I knew someone outside of my little box.  Australia.  From here, I've lived for the last two years.  Never wanting to return to the box I lived in before.  With our recent move to Melbourne, I have left my friends behind.  And I'm missing everyone I love dearly very much.  While I love the energy of the city, I just simply miss calling up a friend asking them if they've got time for a hike, lunch, or a Saturday night date.

Melinda and I on the rocks. My Aussie Bestie. 

                                        

My very best friend in the whole wide world. 

                                       

Rach, my other bestie.  I've know you my entire life.  *Heart*

                                       

Amber would kill me if I were a zombie *heart* and Kara, if we were lesbians, we'd be lovers *heart*

They've changed my entire outlook on life. 

                                          

And give me a boys point of view when I'm in need.  

                                          

Nicole is my firecracker!  Loving and living life to the width and length with me.  

                                             

Celebrating my weird US holidays

                                           

Growing up with me......

They are the absolute loves of my life.  

And let me cry on their shoulders........

.....Let me experience your happiness and joy.......

And be me.  

I love these people more than life itself.  I miss you, with everything I am, but know that just because I'm away, doesn't mean I don't think of you often. *heart, heart heart*