Off the Market? You Bet.

This girl is taking herself off the market.  No more dates.  No more boys.  For someone?  Yes.  Myself.  This next period of time, I am withdrawing from the world of flirting (well, extensive flirting) and relationship seeking.   She is ignoring any texts/calls/emails/messages from boys who might be attracted to her.

I have other things at the moment to focus my energies on.  Plus, if I want to prove to someone I'm interested, the best way isn't by posting on facebook all the boy things.  And I never ever ever again want to set up a dynamic I had in December.  Even if it means I look stupid in the long run for assuming something that may not be.  I'm observing any signs, signs that I might not normally take as a sign and respecting them.  I have learned from my mistakes and will never again walk that path.  I don't need to keep my options open, because if it's not right, there will always be someone else.  AND I know if things are meant to be, they'll be.  Time and distance won't matter.  It's proven to me time and time again with the people who come and go in my life. 

I'm taking boys off the radar.  I'm excited.  Should be easy.  I've been faithful to others; I can do this for myself.  Even with no promise of a happy ending, I'm thrilled with this decision.

xoxoxox

Statements that make this girl happy

Dinner is served. Yes, we do have that in your size. Let's cuddle. Let's go shopping. It's Coach. Let's do it. Yes. Let's dance. It's free. Thank you. You should read this book. That was an awesome lift. Wanna join? Blah blah blah shoes. If you want to date someone else, let me know.

Everything is Not Always as it Seems

This morning while Zonski was getting ready for work I was buttering my toast.  I didn't have anything to wipe my knife on so, like a normal person, I used my shirt.

He looked at me like I was crazy.

Him: What are you doing?
Me: I don't like bread crumbs in my butter, so I always wipe the knife before I put it back in.

He just shook his head. 

I know I don't always make sense.  I know he was not only asking about why I wipe my knife, but also why I was using my shirt.  I have my reasons. (I couldn't find a towel)  Even if it seems clear as mud, there is a good reason.  I'm complex; I get it. 

I may forever be single if I can't find a person who understands that I just simply don't understand things.  Everything has come easy for me.  But not that I've understood one ounce of why or how.   The things I struggle with or things that are "difficult" for me is all because I make them difficult.  I think into it.  I try to understand.  Instead I should just say, okay, it is what it is.

Zonski: I have no idea how you stayed in a ten year relationship. Are you going to go on second dates with any of the boys?
Me: Uh, no way.

I guess the biggest thing is I'm faithful to the fullest extent.  Right now, I throw so many distractions in my way.   Dates, boys, flirting, blah blah blah.  It's all a distraction.  I want someone else to prove they are worth making me stop the distractions.  I'll stop in a heartbeat.  In the mean time, I'm going to travel every road I see.  I'm going to try everything that crosses my path.  I want to stop, but not until I can trust. 

I guess though, what does that say to the other person?  If they see me throwing distractions, how do they know they can trust me?  I need to prove I can be trusted.  I need to show I'm worth them to stop searching. Fuck.  Rock and hard place isn't it??

I know your truths.  I know my truths.   At the end of the day, sometimes they just don't make sense.  (Either yours or mine)

Does this post even make sense?  Probably not, but either way, its true.

You Love Me-Kelly Clarkson

Thick skin, soft touch,
Heart of gold but it's na-na-na-not enough,
Forgiving arms, the higher road,
Working hard but it's na-na-na-not enough,
You said, I'm not good enough, I'm not good enough
But what you really mean
Is you're not good enough, you're not good enough
You can't deliver so you turn it around

You didn't let me down, you didn't tear me apart
You just opened my eyes, while breaking my heart
You didn't do it for me, I'm not as dumb as you think,
You just made me cry while claiming that you love me,
You love me, you love me
You said you love me but that I'm not good enough, I'm not good enough

A strong hold, a fun ride,
But rollercoasters are just na-na-na-not enough,
I keep it in, you wear me out,
This kind of love is na-na-na-not enough,
Said I'm just a sinking ship, I'm just a sinking ship,
But what that really means,
Is you can't handle this, you can't handle this,
You couldn't win so you turn it around...

You didn't let me down, you didn't tear me apart
You just opened my eyes, while breaking my heart
You didn't do it for me, I'm not as dumb as you think,
You just made me cry, while claiming that you love me,
You love me, you love me
You said you love me but that I'm not good enough, I'm not good enough

Your love feels different
It's like a blow to the head with your compliments.
Your love hurts deeper
It's like a brick in the sea and I'm drowning with it

You didn't let me down, you didn't tear me apart
You just opened my eyes, while breaking my heart
You didn't do it for me, I'm not as dumb as you think,
You just made me cry while claiming that you love me,
You love me, you love me
You said you love me but that I'm not good enough, I'm not good enough

So understand it means nothing when you say you love me
When you say you love me
When you say you love me, you love me, you love me

You didn't let me down, you didn't tear me apart
You just opened my eyes, while breaking my heart
You didn't do it for me, I'm not as dumb as you think,
You just made me cry while claiming that you love me,
You love me, you love me
You know the truth is you're not good enough, you're not good enough

So give up?

I'm a little tea pot.....

Ah, what an awesomely relaxed and fun filled day.  I'm sitting here in the living room with the view of the Sydney Harbour Bridge off in the distance drinking my peppermint tea. 

Today, Zonski and I went to boot camp.  I still get e-mails from my boot camp instructor here in Sydney, so I was able to add that to our to-do list for the weekend.

Every time we have sat down to talk about work for Wild Mountains, we've been distracted, well, I've been distracted, which means Zonski isn't able to hold a conversation with me.  So we hadn't gotten far.  Although, I must say that we did make some progress on our discussion for BZE.  I'm so excited about the Repower Port Augusta campaign.  We ran through some fantastic ideas that I've been working on all weekend.

Tonight after dinner, while he washed up....such a good boy, we were discussing, finally, the options we have for Wild Mountains and the changes that they'd like implemented and the ability to build the site with the options they are looking for.  AND happily, we can do it.  AND it shouldn't take much time at all.  Luckily, I was able to talk him into the program I'm familiar with and I won't have to learn a new system.

To be fair, for the last two hours or so, we've been working silently on our own projects.  Well, you know me, there were a few outbursts of I'm bored!  He's writing script for whatever it is he is doing and I was working on Annen Stuff.

This weekend has been very productive on both our friendship and our work relationship.  Makes me happy.  Proves that there are good boys out there, not looking to get into my pants AND that guys and girls can be friends.  And we can do normal things, like make dinner together and go to boot camp and just simply hangout at the food court in the mall and everything is good.  It was a bit awkward at first, but after a talk we were able to come to a very good understanding, with a few compromises on both ends, although I'm sure he will tell you he is compromising more.....  And this is how it's done.  Welcoming each other into our everyday lives.  I knew it could be done,

Tomorrow, off to the Blue Mountains all day.  Then a late flight back into Brisbane on Monday.  After that, a week at Wild Mountains, the weekend in Brisbane, the next week in Wild Mountains, the weekend camping with the Killer Python crew, and then two weeks in the States.  BUSY BUSY BUSY little bee I will be.

Ah, for now though, its almost ten and this girl is getting sleepy, damn, I should have thought it through, would have been nice to head to the Cargo Bar tonight....oh well, I'm ready for some mindlessness.  Soooo-off to read we are going.

  A full day of hiking and freezing tomorrow.

Night!

xoxoxox

Eat pray love

Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person's body or emotions as a scratching post for your own un-fulfilled yearnings.

Tasha Ace
Sent from my iPad

"The trouble with most of us is that we would rather be ruined by praise than saved by criticism."

~Norman Vincent Peale

Bitch lady

I love how when I can be talked into what people want, they love me. When I do things that need done for whatever reason and it's not in like with what others want, all of a sudden I'm a bitch.

I know this happens with everyone who has a position like mine. Either it be a business owner or a parent, but fucking hell. I am so fed up with it.

At least there has been some progress on my divorce, sending chad that check is the only reason. But whatever.

Two weeks before I'm back in the states. I'm not looking forward to it. Except to see some people.

It won't be soon enough to get back here.

I've decided if I can't extend my visa here- its no big issue; I'll just travel around Europe.

With that said, I do want to get citizenship here.

Fuck me.

Tasha Ace
Sent from my iPhone
"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."

Yep yep.

Tasha Ace
Sent from my iPad

"The trouble with most of us is that we would rather be ruined by praise than saved by criticism."

~Norman Vincent Peale

And now,the process of getting back up.

Tasha Ace
Sent from my iPad

"The trouble with most of us is that we would rather be ruined by praise than saved by criticism."

~Norman Vincent Peale

I will forever lack understanding.

I wake up to a phone call this morning from him. I sent a text saying, I wont stay at his place while I'm visiting. He is insistent. Says everything will be fine. He knows he'll get angry at me and that I'll get upset. He knows that we don't understand one another. I wear him out. I'm too energetic for his laid back personality. I'm sure that it's going to be a hard weekend. Try for both us. Why be insistent? If we have a good thing going on and we know it. Leave it. I have comfort zones here!! This is one. Why are you pushing fate?? There isn't any reason me staying at a hostel should be something he calls me about. Maybe he is pushing his own comfort zones. Maybe he is trying to fuck with his own fate. Maybe he doesn't want to be friends anymore. *alert*. Trouble ahead. This girl is over thinking. Letting go. Living in the moment. One day at a time. One moment at a time. Xoxoxo

I had a dream...

I hate that feeling when you wake up that whatever was swirling around your head for the last eight hours happened.   It gets your hopes up for no reason.

But I've also been known to talk in my sleep and have conversations of which I don't remember.  Things that really happen, of which I've interacted, but have no recollection.

This morning as my house host left, I remember vaguely of him leaving, but thought it was a dream.

Dreams aren't reality and the only reality we have is the one we make happen. And you know what I've discovered?  Sometimes honestly, you don't see how good you have it, even when its right in front of your eyes.

Goal today: smile and just be me.

PS-Thank you to my sister who sent me the cutest picture of the baby.  He is so cute!

xoxo

Thank you for loving me, when I didn't love myself

Every where I turn, I see love.  I can't even help it.  It seems my eye just goes straight to it.  I noticed it on my first day here in the city.  I saw a couple with the guy kissing the girl on the side of her head.  Her eyes were closed.  They were in the middle of a busy street.  But they were alone. 

Yesterday as I was walking along the Yara river I saw couples everywhere.  Cuddled on park benches, snuggling on the side of the river, holding hands walking down the path. 

I struggle so much with intimancy.  I get along with people great from a distance.  But the fear and over analysis that I put into overthinking a relationship is a killer for me.  The insecurities that I have are grave.

I find I love myself more when I have no one to prove if I'm worth it or not.  I can walk into a room full of people I've never met and gain their trust and respect.  They sense the confidence I have.  A natural born confidence.  There isn't anything cocky about it.  A sincere love for others and myself.

I gather this is due a lot to the fact, I don't care if I impress you.  I don't care if you respect me.  I have a job to do and I know I can do it. 

At the end of the day, I want to come home to some place I don't need to rock that confidence.  I want to be able to be vaulnerable and not tough.  I want to rely on someone.

Dorothy and Dave were so kind as to remind me that traveling is easier when you have a partner.  It was kind the way they said it and the statement was genuine.  I know this.  And I agreed with them.  I'd just like to be able to rest my head on someones shoulder and relax. 

But I don't trust myself to let my guard down.  It hasn't been down, ever.  I hate being weak.  I fight with myself on that front all the time.  The absolute defiance I hold in this respect is astounding.

I guess all I'm saying is someday, I'd like to just say, thank you for loving me when I didn't love myself to someone.  I have so much to learn in relationships.  I'm willing, but I need to know what it is I'm learning.   I need mistakes pointed out, and new paths to be paved.  I need someone who knows my mistakes aren't meant to hurt.  My selfishness isn't intentional. 

Someday, I'll have the boy who holds my hand, and kisses me in public, and loves me, when I can't love myself and holds me accountable when I'm pushing out of sheer resistance.  Someone who hears what I can't say, but knows I mean it.

Someday, I'll be worthy and I can't wait.


xoxo

Urban Dictionary: Shawty: Fine Ass Woman

I know I've blogged this before, but I must say, it brings me great amusement to sit on the Tram (yes capital T because I have respect for the thing out of fear because it keeps fucking me up!) and get lost in my music.

I just bob my head, jiggle my shoulders and move my hips.  Sometimes catching the disapproving eye of little old lady or a younger girl.  Yesterday, I grinned as I saw a guy kinda bobbing his head and then shock me when his lips moved to sing along with the song.

As most know, I love my hip hop, rap and R & B.  I can't seem to get enough.  Driving down to Sydney with Zonski locked in the car with him, he wanted to run into a tree, I'm sure, as he made fun of Lil Wayne, T.I. and Flo Rida. 

"These are the lyrics that inspire you?" He had asked me.  Haha, truth be told, I know every fifth word.  I substitute the rest with "Dun du Dun du nuh nuh"  or mumbles that sound like the lyrics. 

As the people on the Tram try to avoid me, I know they are jealous.  They envy the fact I can stand in this crowded place and just get lost in the music. I'm positive those deathly glares are signs that they want to join along. THEN! I get even more excited when a song comes on and I know every third word.

Go, shawty, its your birthday, we're going to party like its your birthday, nuh nuh sip Bacardi, dun dun your birthday, nuh nuh we don't give a fuck, dun dun your birthday.

Ah, but the pinnacle of the ride, is when a song comes on that I just can't get enough of.  By the way of Rhianna usually, sometimes T.I. or yes, Chris Brown.

I've been a bad girl daddy, won't you come get me, give it to me like i need it, you know how to make me feel it, roc me out, more and more, roc me out, on the floor

The most memorable of meetings though, is when a boy has the guts to come up to me and engages me in a conversation.  Its different than when he's drunk in a bar.  He's sober, dressed up, ready for work.  His confidence comes from within and not his alcohol.  Its sexy and appealing.  Yes, I'd love to see this city with you. 

Soooo I'm out to explore the city, yes again.   Different boy today.  A resident of Melbourne.  Maybe he'll have something new to show me.   Like Melissa and Amber commented on facebook already, I'm sure he will.  


Cheers!


xoxoxo

I am only who I am by how I define myself.

Last night started off a bit shitty.

I met up with my couch surfing host's roommate.  I think he did it because I told him I'd be going out by myself and he felt bad.

Heres the thing, I honestly don't mind and really quite enjoy heading out on the town by myself.  It's always a bit scary to some extent because you never know what you're walking into.  I am always responsible; posting where I am, not drinking, not talking to stangers blah blah blah.   After I was able to ditch him, I found this really cute little pub.  It had a live band who played cover songs....I miss Sarah Jane and her band!  But the girl sang beautifully.

I danced away to all her songs and then when they were off the stage to all the DJ's music as well.

I have to be honest, every time a guy walks up to me to talk to me (btw just don't do it boys, seriously, you'll just feel like shit when she turns you down.) I think, is this going to be a Greg?  And for so many reasons on top of reasons, I just wish and pray so hard they don't talk to me.

The only thing that sucks about going out alone, is there isn't anyone to save you from the boys.  With Trista, (and now from trial and error, Amber) my friends can save me from a long boring conversation with the guys.  No I don't want to go to a quite corner to talk.  No I don't want you to buy me a drink.  No I don't want to dance with you.  Sometimes, I feel bad and entertain them for a short period of time. 

Like last night, this boy just wouldn't leave me alone.  So finally, I danced with him for a few songs and then when he was in the bathroom, slipped out of the bar.  Funny how life works, because as I was leaving I got a call from Josh inviting me to the Crown hotel.  So I went to the casino for a short period of time.  The view of the city from the 11th floor is breathtaking.

Today Piere and I toured the city.  I love Melbourne.  Apparently, I said that the first time I was here too.  After a reminder, I do remember saying that.  I can't help it.  It has everything I love.  Although a person can be lost in Melbourne.  I never feel that way in Brisbane.  I always feel as though someone knows me in Brissy.  Maybe because of all of my friends there?  Who knows.

I have to book my flight out of Melbourne.  I have, as of tonight, not decided if I'm actually heading to Sydney or not.  I have a few friends to meet up with there, but Dragan only has Friday night or Saturday evening available.  I'm not sure I want to go out with him.  Unless he invites his girlfriend along.  I'll be meeting up with Ivan, Ryan and Zonski......but ah, I can't do it all unless I stay longer....sooooooooooooo......who knows.  I haven't decided.  Fuck.  Anyway.

I'm going to push a comfort zone tonight.  It's been so very long since I've done this.  Push a destructive one anyway.  I know exactly the date and where I was the last time I pushed one.  I have to admit, I felt awful, crying the entire day and not forgiving myself for months after it, but ah, I have a firm belief that the more you do something, the easier it becomes.

So here is to being Mindful....not self destructive....I'm staying in.

Curling up under a blanket.  Watching 30 Rock.  Being a good girl.

Because at the end of the day, I'm only who I am by how I define myself. 



xoxoxoxo

Don't tell me what to do.

This girl, right here = H.A.P.P.Y

I can't help it.  I do love my life.  Every single moment.  I had a fantastic day with BZE (if you're Australian, you read that B, Zed, E) 

I've met so many wonderful people tonight.  Shared drinks with the guys here at BZE.  Had lunch and dinner with Matthew and Mark, the CEO's and founders of BZE.

There are some brilliant people working with this group.  Engineers, of course, boys who think with their minds.  Logically ;-)  Yet, they are so passionate about what BZE is doing and where it's going.  Its astounding.

Second night here at the couchsurfing place.  Met Carlo's girlfriend tonight.  LOVE her.  She is so cute.  Carlo has been fantastic with me.  Even to the point that yesterday, he had printed out the map and what transportation to take to get right to BZE's doorstep.  I, of course, failed at following those carefully laid plans.

Ah, I guess, no matter how hard I try, I can't change me.  I can't change the fact that I get overly excited about "stupid" things, or the fact I will never ever be organized, or be able to make up my mind, or that I giggle at the dumbest things.

Here's the thing, when I look at how I was at the end of my marriage, and how I am today....I wouldn't change a thing.

It's midnight and I'm exhausted.  Another long day is going to occur tomorrow.....and I'm not complaining.  I've been dying for some fulfilling work. And I've found it.  So, please, bring it on!!

xoxoxox

Fact 94761

I tell everyone I love them.

I tell people I care deeply about I adore them.

Tasha Ace
Sent from my iPhone
"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."

Bze? Or wm?

Another Airport.....

I sit here, knowing that I love my life here in Brisbane.  The change is enough not to bore me.  The friends I've made are fantastic.  Yes, even my hope of a relationship.  As I head to Melbourne off to my "dream" job, I have to ponder if my dreams have changed.  Or, is this me being afraid of what I want.  Yet again.
Fuck.  Will I always be like this.  With everything?  Will I always get what I want and think I don't deserve it?  Or be afraid of the change?  Or just want to keep everything under my control, knowing I have options, but not wanting to commit to any?? 

What is my problem?  I have every doorway open to me.  Its not just the doors, but the windows, and the floors have been removed....along with the ceiling.  I have the world at my fingertips.  If you had these things you'd be just as torn as which way to choose too.

For now, it doesn't hurt to explore this path.  To see where BZE takes me.  My first offical night of couch surfing.  That's where this trip takes me tonight.  Ahhhh, dear comfort zones......hahahahha- fuck.

I do sincerely love my life.  I know I am confused oh so often, but honestly, its not a complaint.  More of a ponder. 

I don't envy people who don't have these options.  I have established a life that I absolutely love.

Yeah, I might seem to be a mess, but honestly?? Its simply amazing.  The things I am good at are impressive. And the things I struggle with???  I'm open to learning.  Its hard, and takes awhile, but for those who love me; its awesome to see my change.

xoxoxoxo

So I walked away.

And dear Nathan, I don't look back. (too often)

To the right is where I'll stay, thank you.

This is why I want you

Forever and a day

Fuck society.

Me me me me me me

Yes please! ;-)

Jesus. This is me

Really?!!?

The road to healing....

This made me giggle.

True story

Pins

I'm learning the hard way......

I see this all the time - in your desire to become who you think you want to be, you end losing the only thing you were truly ever meant to be - YOURSELF - and it can be a long road back

~Coach Scott Abel

Is it any less beautiful?

Every time I order coffee it always pleases me to see a design.  Its organized in its colors and swirl and simplicity. The sharp colors of rigid contrast.

I feel awful when I have to mix it up.  But looking at it, is it any less beautiful than before?  The colors are still there; softer, kinder, the swirls are still free.  Just because it looks like its a mess, doesn't mean its not acceptable the way it is.  And it stands for its own kind of beautiful.  Doesn't it?  I think it does.  And at the end of the day, it's the same underneath.  So, *shrug, I'm happy with it.

I'm grinning from ear to ear

I knew it was possible.  I knew we had it in us.  The perfect night just happened and I am one happy girl.  It was exactly what I've been wanting.  Just a relaxed evening, with no stress of what ifs and shitty girl things.  No guarded personalities and no bull shit.

He is so beautiful.  I can't even help it....no mush here, promise.  But our evening was exactly what I've been wanting and needing, and probably not very well, asking for. 

It makes me giggly.  Thrilled.  Over the moon happy.


Thank you, sincerely, with everything I am.

xoxoxo

Yep yep

May 5, 2012

I love watching a town wake up. I'll often get up early and head out for breakfast. I'm usually in the presence of older men. They seem to be the first to rise at the crack of dawn regardless of country or city. Next come the joggers, or mainly in oz, the bikers. As its a Saturday, most people my age (and I'm bordering the elder age) are recouping from their night out and slowly emerge. Some in their pj's, some in their clothes from the night before. And as always, before it gets too busy, I finish what I'm going to eat of my breakfast and and blog is done - so I head off to start my day. Xoxox

May 6, 2012

*disclaimer: when i write a blog and then later type it for publishing, im shaking my head as much as you are trust me I'm sitting here on a chilly, rainy Sunday arvo sipping my peppermint tea and people watching on the island of rottnest. My observation of the last 30 minutes is that people really do do everything in a group. This awareness astounds me. I just witnessed the sweetness of love with a man who carried his wife, from shore to the boat. They must have done this a million times as he just moved into rush mode toting the kids, stroller and wife to the boat. She stands around watching him. The island is getting busy. My nice moments of quiet is quickly filling with chatter and kids. The sun is struggling to emerge from behind the black clouds. I have a feeling that it will eventually prevail. Rottnest at is beautiful. it's a perfect day get away- if you don't mind the hefty price tag. It's 99$ return with the bike rental; not exactly a cheap date for two. But for one, it's acceptable. Otherwise, I spend too much money shopping for people I know. Meeting up with Adrian and eddy on Monday night. I waited so long to even contact anyone in Perth. Mainly because I wanted to be alone. Wait- alone isn't true. At arms length is the best description. Because honestly, I'm never alone. I'm always in constant contact with everyone I know. I just don't want to physically see people I know face to face constantly. I've always been like that. I have always hated seeing people I know around town or when I'm out. And have been known to duck and hide if I notice them first. I guess that might come from knowing everybody and also as a kid, my mom would go out of her way, and still does, to stop and say hello to everyone. And she literally knows everyone. And they talk for hours. Oftentimes, a quick head nod or a short exchange is all that is necessary. SRW text me last night to tell me about a moving coming out by the makers of the Notebook. After a quick search, I find that Rachel McAdams is starring. She was Ali in the notebook. It does look good. I must go see it..... I have no idea or even a general understanding of how people eat what they eat. Don't they understand general health?? What you're putting into your body is a direct decision of how long you want to live. Eating bread is my weakness. I know those carbs quickly turn to sugars and fat. Pair that with an occasional burger and fry combo and it's enough to make a girl want to puke if she attempts to eat it all. Physicall makes you sick. That is your body screaming,'hey! I want to live past the age of 50 you know??' Jesus, a creature just came on to the deck and has crawled around like 20 people's feet and not one person has noticed. It's sad how much life passes us by without any realization. If its the small things that make us whole, does this mean most of us aren't complete? I just picture a world of missing pieces. Bacause we're all wrapped up in, well what?? What is it that takes our attention away from being whole? Sea gulls have to be the ugliest birds ever. I look out into the water and see a rainbow. Another thing I wonder if I'm alone in seeing. I see two seagulls attacking two innocent people as they try to eat their subway. Cracks me up. Reminds me of when SRW and I were, hmmmmm was it in Kaniva? Or Melbourne? I can't remember,but I fed a swan my subway and we were mobbed by birds in every species. What kind of bird is that one? I'd point and ask over and over. Each time his response was the same, i don't know. Then for Christmas he bought me a bird book. Off to catch my ferry. Till another day thoughts. Xoxo

;-p

Tasha Ace
Sent from my iPad

"The trouble with most of us is that we would rather be ruined by praise than saved by criticism."

~Norman Vincent Peale

I get confused

Over and over and time and time again I say I'm ready to settle down and find a relationship.  I've tried it (needless to say, the timing was shit since I wasn't settled down). 

So I'm trying this settled down thing.  I got a house, a job, and friends.  I started a life, a gym, and a journey.

I have a boy of whom I adore and want to be with. However, it seems that for now it isn't possible for us to be together.  And maybe because I'm not settled.  Maybe because I'm not ready?  We, finally spoke, about how the relationship has been in the past and how it can't continue that way.  We both agree on this. 

At the moment though, I'm headed to Melbourne to work with BZE for at least two weeks.  Then I'm back here to Brisbane to work with Wild Mountains for two weeks.  Then away for a climbing trip with my friends, then away to the states for two weeks.  And after that, I have no idea where I'll be or how I'll get there.

So you can't feasibly build a relationship with so much stuff swirling around and being unsettled.  I need to let go of this "need" to be with him.  I need to free both of us from these insane emotions that girls have.  I want to be with him, but only if it works for both of us.  And right now, just doesn't seem to be the time.

NO!  This is not an invite for other boys to ask me out.  Please, I'm only going to turn you down.  My heart is taken and I don't want to convalude it with others.  So while my mind and body are elsewhere, I'll keep my heart here in the city I have grown to love ever so much.  With a boy that I do adore.  Whose mind had me intrigued from the first conversation we ever had.  Whose body and soul has enough force to keep pulling me back.  Who can make me laugh and smile like no others.  A boy so special to me that I don't want to "keep options open."

SRW told me

Don't believe everything you think.

~ Anonymous

”It’s impossible” said pride.
“It’s risky” said experience.
“It’s pointless” said reason.
“Give it a try” whispered the heart

No! I refuse to post a title.

Why do I have to post a title? 

Here's the thing, I'm to be working on my BZE portion of the website.  I'm exhausted as hell, getting almost no sleep last night and working so very hard these last two days at Wild Mountains. 

Couple of things from the weekend that I must think about.  1. SRW tells me I need to stop head butting my comfort zones.  (basically, that's what I heard anyway).  And I say okay.  I hear you and I'm willing to work on it.  I also accept you as a good friend.  I love the way we are together when there isn't the pressure of anything.  When we are just us, having a good time.  When you're smiling and watching me.  I know I need to stop thinking about it.  Just let things be as they are.  I know this.  I get caught up in my emotions of which I know I need to change.   I know this.  I also know though, that in order to do this, we need to function normally.  Where normal friends would hang out.  Bars, climbing gym, yoga, blah blah blah.  With a bunch of other people.  I also know that while we are good friends, I can't date anyone else.  I'm not even remotely interested in anyone.  Not even a tiny smidgen of a bit.  I'm faithfully yours and I can't help it.  I don't want to add pressure, I don't.  But its where I stand.  I only want you.  We'll work on a friendship first.  Thats the healthy thing to do anyway.

2. BZE and WM.  I'm eager to get these things on a roll and I must say, excitedly as I jump up and down (well, not really as I stated before, I'm exhausted) that things just started rolling today for me.   Although, this week I planned to fly down to Melbourne, and it may be a very very very short trip as I am procrastinating to booking accommodation and such.

3.  This weekend, aside from a small annoyingly needy and frustrating moment by yours truly, went very well.  We started to put up a roof for Richard.  He and I also spoke to some great length about some things that will help out the group so much!  We have several things we're going to focus on and Richard is going to put into place a couple of my suggestions as soon as tomorrow!  We even were working on a large project this afternoon. 

Will and I literally cut down the middle of this screw hole.......pretty cool

First, I wish someone would have told me how bad I looked....send, Yes, they still allow me to use power tools here!

The view from the ISV Rainforest......Its beautiful!

On the drive back home to West End.....the sun set was beautifully breathtaking.......my heart is in sunsets and sunrises, I can't help loving them.

Why change you ask?

Because I fear I maybe poison the way I am. As a whirlwind, people can only take so much destruction.



Tasha Ace
Sent from my iPhone
"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."

V-Dub

I have no clue why they call it this. But either way, another weekend here at Wild Mountains. It's funny to me how much I enjoy being part of a group from a distance. As I become more comfortable being alone, I will easily slip away from groups to observe from a distance. Or slip away all together unphased by the fact they are there and I am here. At arms length I'm learning to keep people. I'm partly worried because I don't want to lose touch with the girl who can wrap people into me and become a mild form of a hermit. This new way of being around people is a shield for myself that I welcome. But to some extent fear. But enjoy. I can't begin to express my happiness for this place. Unlike most things I engulf myself in, here I know it's small doses that makes it work so well. It's good for me. Beautiful for me. Makes me believe that I can never be loved like this in return.

A huge Easter Volunteer Weekend! - News - Wild Mountains

A huge Easter Volunteer Weekend! - News - Wild Mountains

Earthkeepers with great kids. - News - Wild Mountains

Earthkeepers with great kids. - News - Wild Mountains

I worked hand in hand with this boy.  He was fantastic from start to finish.  His enthusiasm at the camp was lively and encouraging to see.

Teacher praise for Earthkeepers - News - Wild Mountains

Teacher praise for Earthkeepers - News - Wild Mountains

My haven

Even just driving here to wild mountains gets me excited.  SRW tells me it's a novelty.  he maybe right to some extent; however, it doesn't change The fact that I love it here. 

To sit around at night and Play card games is something I can appreciate. Reminds me of my mom and grandparents. 

I think the reason I love it so much here is all the room for intimacy. It's something I miss dearly. To be apart of something exclusive to a few people. To be accepted for who you are. As you are. To have someone care about what you've done with your time away.   

Shit. That's what I crave. Yearn for. Intimacy. I want it. Need it. Am seeking it. 

So many thoughts and feelings rolling around in my head. Emotional mind. Change Tasha, to wise mind. 

Use logic. Girls lack logic says zonski. Thinking emotionally is no excuse for anything. This is where girls and guys' communication breaks down. 

Here, I don't have to doubt feelings. It is what it is. There isn't pride to get in the way. Actions follow through from words spoken. clear cut. This is that. Simple. Clear. Un diluted. 

It's a peace of mind. I do sincerely love it here. 

OH!!!! I almost forgot!!!!!!!!! 

Shit. I can't believe it!! I saw my second ever shooting star!! 

Last one was at WLD Ranch with Kutila. Fuck, oh so long ago at the ripe old age of 15.  This place for me is even more magical now. 

It just keeps getting better! 

Xoxo

Tasha Ace

Sent from my iPad 

"The trouble with most of us is that we would rather be ruined by praise than saved by criticism."

~Norman Vincent Peale

From a healthy distance

These things fascinate me!!!

Closing a Chapter

Last year, I fell apart.  I shattered.  I had to walk away and get a new start.  I came to Australia with hope and promise.  AKA-a rebound relationship.

Filled with unfulfilled promises and disappointment, I spent a really really shitty month touring around WA.  I went home, had a worse time there for the next few months, but was able to bounce back from the bottom with renewed hope and drive.

I returned to Australia in November knowing I wanted to see the country with my own eyes.  Have my own experiences and see if I really loved it here as much as I thought.

Six months later, I return to WA.  A roadtrip to redo what was fucked up last year.  I needed closure.  A forgivness that I could only give myself.  While my road to healing over the self-abuse I'd been giving myself was already well underway, I still needed to make sure these feelings of peace weren't imagined.

I flew into Perth and picked up my rental.  I was ready to kick this chapters ass.

A short stay with the Peter and Robyn I was ready to return to Esperance.  A full year since I'd laid eyes on the beautiful beaches of southern WA.  I couldn't wait.  This experience was mine and mine alone.  I would and could make of it as I wanted.  If I wanted to stop and help out strangers along side the road, I could.  (And to be defiant to every guy I've ever dated who refused to stop to help a stranded soul, I stopped for EVERY single one....this sadly meant a lot more stops then I bothered to even post on Facebook). 

They were from Thailand.....they didn't have a jack.

My hitchhiker....He had been hiking since January.  His family was worried about him.

I also got lost without getting pissed off at myself.  I turned around so I could get a picture of whatever it was I wanted.  I stopped to pee along side the road, mainly because I had to.  I listened to whatever music I wanted and sang as loud as I wanted off key.  I had the windows up and the heat on.  Or I had the air con on and the windows down.  I did whatever made me comfortable.  If I wasn't hungry, I didn't stop for food just because it was "time" to eat.  I drove for hours or minutes.  Whatever I wanted.  It was liberating.  Funny how something I would do daily was able to be so freeing. 

Two weeks of just me....and facebook.....but mainly just me ;-)

You don't want to read how I discovered I am over beating myself up about decisions I made to make me happy and not others.  I hurt people who weren't meant to be hurt.  I offended people who shouldn't have been offended.  I opened minds for some whose were closed.  I slammed doors for others who have no desire to live outside their self contained boxes.  In the end, I'm a completely different person to who I was a year ago. It's a journey of self-discovery, love, ambition, heart-break, loss, and strength.  A chapter of one that needed to be lived and shared and closed. 

There are more things that I need to do.  The journey is never ending.  Happiness is a decision.  I can't please you.  I can't even start.  So here is the thing....I accept me for me.  I no longer feel the need to live my life to make anyone happy.  I'm sorry if you think this is "wrong" or doesn't suit you.  Doesn't mean I don't love you.  I do.  I just can't live the only life God gave me crying and being upset.  Or living a life that is uninspired. 

Didn't make it to the Four Aces, but this is good enough.

Ahhhhhh....strangers who take pictures for you are the best.

A life worth living is one free from chains.  Only you have the key.

Frenchman Peak, Esperance, Cape La Grand, WA

Margaret River, Western Australia

I see a lot of work that needs done with this body.....

Life is good.



How cute is this Hello Kitty Frame? 

My fav picture of the day!