ə fékshən

It's pretty clear to me that I have no idea how relationships work.  I don't understand how two people can walk away with the same experiences and same insights on the same thing, thus allowing them to be happy ever after.

I see very different things then the people in my life.  My actions seem, to others, out of turn or unexpected.  When, for me, it was a natural course of action.  The next step.  The obvious choice.

As I pack up today, I know I should have handled things differently.  I should have stopped from getting upset and thus spoken about the situation I saw at hand.  Where is the line?  Where does "you're nagging the shit out of me because you want to talk all the time," cross over with, "you close down because you don't want to fight about this."  I don't understand.  And trust me my friend, its not from lack of trying.  Ten months and I still don't know how to talk to this boy I love.  Several failed relationships and I still don't know the line of this is okay, this is not.   Are things more complicated in this day in age?  How did my grand parents handle this type of stuff.  How did they know they would overcome their tiffs?  How did they know if this tiff mattered or  not?

How do you feel comfortable enough to talk about what you're feeling?  How does your guy give you that comfort area that you can come to him with the problems you see and make your feelings feel valid?  How does he not get defensive and/or shut down himself?  

I don't understand how men and woman co-exist in the same household for extended period of time in crisis.  Why so early in a relationship can one feel they are giving 99% and the other feel they are giving 99% and neither party's partner feel the 99%???  Its 99% for crying out loud. 

I tried to make our new living arrangements home.  Everyday, he'd come home and never make any mention of my intentions.  Everyday, I'd try and prompt him about work and everyday the only responses I would get were grunts.  No opportunity for conversation.  When I made a comment about doing the dishes, his response was, you have all day to wash them, we're all working.

As if I'm less at this moment in time because I'm at home, against my will, all day.  Never were we able to have a legit conversation in regards to our future plans.  Not without one getting so frustrated and pissed off that we couldn't continue.  This is what I saw.  This is what I have felt over the past few weeks. 

af·fec·tion (a-f k sh n) n. 1. A tender feeling toward another; fondness.

I don't feel it.  I don't see it.  We all have 24 hours in a day, regardless if we're sitting at a desk or doing laundry.  We should make the time we spend with others worth it.

There are so many examples I have at this point I just feel as though I'm nitpicking.  I'm not though.  It's just how I feel about majority of the situations we have been in the last few weeks. 

And I know he's unhappy that we're out of West End.  I know he's unhappy we're house sharing.  I know he doesn't (and hasn't) want to sell his car.  I know he doesn't want to have to live on this small of a budget.  At the end of the day, we're both in the same boat.  So why should I feel worse for him when I'm dealing with the same feelings?  With other feelings and issues on top of these? 

It simply boils down to me feeling shitty about talking about how I'm feeling.  I fight a lot of emotions in regards to this:
1. Undeserving
2. Self Conscious
3. Crazy
4. Defeat

They win.  Every single time.  These feelings win.   Reducing me to silence and withdrawal.  I don't give; therefore, I don't get.  So I'm not crazy or underserving.  Its true.  I'm not giving therefore, I'm not getting.  Its not all in my head.  I didn't think it was. 

What was lost is found

I'm pretty sure I have found my spot.  Its peaceful after all of the built up tension in my life.  When I come here its quiet, with birds chirping and even if its chilly I'm comfortable.  There may be people talking in the background, but I'm in my own little world of thoughts and emotions.  I just simply can't hear them. 

 

I relax here.  It gives me a place to feel vulnerable and without the judging eyes of my loved ones.  It allows for me to take a moment of slow deep breaths to calm my body, clear my head and think logically.    Why you ask has it taken this long to find the peace of heaven?  It hasn't really.  It's just after months and months of coming here without realizing it- today, I take notice of what my subconscious already knows. 

 

I love it here.  Of course- I can't always come here.  Most days its just too busy.  Other days, its too far away.  But days like today, when I was at the gym, it was a simple left turn instead of right.

 

Its 9:47 am, smack dab in the middle of winter.  I'm in shorts and sandals, short sleeve shirt and its about 65.  Here after I take note of the sounds around me, I hear a drummer across the way and birds chirping.  Ahhh-I miss these birds.  They used to wake me every morning.  The sun as my sight and the birds as my hearing.  My morning senses were awaken by the most amazing and beautiful things in life.  

 

As usual, my post has taken a different turn then what I had in my mind when I sat down to write.  I just couldn't help writing about the beautiful spot I call mine.   All the nonsense and emotions going on in my current state, doesn't stop me from the recognition of this beautiful  place that makes me happy.  the river is amazing.  Its familiar and makes me feel at home. 

 

This post was supposed to be about my point of view of how my life is coming along so far.  But in this spot, the birds, the sounds of the boats, the beat of the drum, and the smell of the early morning world...I can't be fucked to write about anything else. 

 

Is this happiness or the calm before the storm?  Ah-who cares, right now, I'm going to live in the moment.  Enjoy right now, before time does what it does best, slips away.

 

 

 

    

                                  

This about sums it up

I love your emotions, except when I don't.

"A kiss can be a comma, a question mark or an exclamation point.  That's basic spelling that every woman ought to know."  Mistinguet

I love to feel passion.  To feel his arms reaching for me.  To feel his fingertips wrap around my waist.  I love that he lets me love him.  That I feel vulnerable in his presence and logically I know the ramifications of full surrender and yet, emotionally, I feel so at peace that I can't even consider doing anything else.


I'm in love. 

“They move ever so slowly now, he leaning on his arms over her, eyes locked in an intensity that obliterates everything beyond the moment, both surrendered to some greater whole. Their movements emerge and recede with perfect unity. She can no longer feel where she ends and he starts, whether the waves of bliss washing over her are her own or his. There is no longer any ‘his’ or ‘hers’—there is only This.”

~ From The Beautiful Garden by Freya Watson

I am loved into my Dirty 30's.

The time of celebration had finally arrived.   I had planned this party in like May or April of this year, knowing my friends schedules fill up fast.  It was planned as a fancy dress up party at the Loft in West End.   The girls and I were texting back and forth all day trying to decide what we were going to wear.  Decisions Decisions.

I had wanted to theme the party from "My Fair Lady;" however, when I couldn't find this costume, I gave up and said to just dress nice. 

Which was actually, for a number of reasons, really good fortune.  PIB wanted to head to the Boundary Hotel to catch the Reds play before the party.  After a half hearted offer to attend his game with him, he accepted with excitement and we were off to watch 80 minutes of Rugby.  

Go reds!!

A very happy camper.......

After the Reds lost to the other Red team; we arrive at the Loft and only to be told have no reservation for us there, but it instead has been made for downstairs at Archive.  A massive change of venue as downstairs is casual and loud, while upstairs is for dressed up people and its more for conversation and such.  

No fear, we made it work.  As Mel and Crispy arrived, we poured champagne (on the house for their mixup) and the guys were well on their way to drinking some of the fine craft beers offered at Archive.  Mel waited until everyone arrived before we could open my gifts.  And what gifts they were!

First, I'd like to take a step back and just say on the actual day of my birthday, Amber and Mel and I went out for lunch and then I came back home to Kara who had baked me a cake and we drank and had a great afternoon.   That morning the Boy had purchased for me the most beautiful necklace from Tiffany's.  My first ever gift received from there.   THEN all of these awesome people come out to a formal celebration of my birthday and present to me my gifts.  I have been rock climbing for a year and a half, but have used everyone else's gear.  For the most part, to buy your own gear, like any sport, is extremely expensive.  Slowly, one-by-one, my friends had been buying their own gear to accumulate a massive amount of gear between all of us.  I believe now we all have our own ropes.  Haha.   

I was thrilled to see a pink and brown rope when I unraveled the gift wrap.  Oh, how these lovely peeps know me!  My sheer excitement though, was with the simple pink chalk bag that had a hello kitty doll stitched to the back.  

As I was opening the gifts, Melinda said, "Just so you know; you are loved." From there funny commentary of how much time (two days of conversation and searching) went into picking out the rope, size and color, and the time it took to find the perfect chalk bag.  You see, for some reason, no one makes really awesome chalk bags.  I have wanted a hello kitty chalk bag for as long as I've been climbing.  Much to my dismay, I have never been able to successfully find one.  However, Mel and Heather went to "every shop in Brisbane" to find the perfect pink bag to go with the "impossible" to find hello kitty doll.  From there, Heather stitched the doll to the bag. Helen was telling me about the conversation that went into the rope and how her phone continued to buzz throughout the day with the conversation.  Mel and her were giggling as they told the story of Curtis explaining the difference between 2mm of rope.   Knowing all the love that went into my gifts, the time and thought, its an unspeakable happiness.  To be loved like this by friends I just met only a little over a year ago, its breathtaking.  

Drinking in style

They don't replace my beautiful friends back in the States, not for a second.  However, they are a fantastic addition and I'm beyond blessed to know each and every one of them.

From archive, the boys were itching for some more good alcohol.  James told us about a whiskey bar that was right around the corner and we took the alcohol lovers over to the Cobbler. PIB, Graeme, and Mel were in heaven.  Cobbler has 13 pages of fine imported single malt whiskeys.  They have only five lines of blended whiskeys, with half a page of expensive imported rums.  

I was promised bacon..,"It's good. Smokey. Tastes like bacon"

From West End, we took the City Glider to the infamous "valley" and finished dancing the night away to old school songs like "Sexy Back"  (He's on the list...) and "Low" The boys losened their ties, pulled their shirt out from their pants and grooved, in a very uncoordinated, cute way to the music.  The girls were beyond the moon to be dancing the night away. As the night got longer, our friends dropped like flies, only leaving the three of us standing.

With hugs and kisses, we promise to visit the dance floor once a month as a group.  However, our busy lives take us away from these things that we love.  This amazing group of people get together so often to do so many great things, its truly a fantastic city and circle to be apart of.  

In the upcoming weeks we have Sexpo at the Convention Center, a two day hike for girls only, a trip to brooyer, climbing at KP, and so much more.  I am in love with my social life.  

A special thank you goes out to Curtis, Mat, Kara, Jaevis, Emma, Heather, Isaac, Helen, Sean, Gavin, Graeme, Amber, Simon, Tim and Melinda.

I can not wait to return the favor for your birthdays!! Amber you're next!!

Haha-this is an inside joke picture......

Stafford Brothers - Hello ft. Lil Wayne, Christina Milian

Mommy Daughter Bake Day

Goal number six of my 52 goals of turning 30 is to learn to cook.  A friend in the States, has a blog that shares of her daughter.  I love this blog as I'm sure its posted because my friends mom lives so far away from her and this is a way to keep in touch with the day-to-day livings of their family life.

She has a new weekly tradition of Mommy Daughter Bake Day where she posts a recipe, a back story (for example - where she found the recipe, why she chose it and so on) and then at the end they grade her baking.  Along the post there are pictures of the adorable daughter standing at the counter with the mixer and helping in various ways. 

I'm stealing this idea with three major changes: 1. I'm not baking, but cooking, and 2. I may not be as detailed and 3. I, of course, have no kid to showcase......

PIB and I are living with Mat and Kara in a share house at the moment.  Just until PIB and I can get a handle on where we're going to be living, and what visa I'm going to be on.  Mat and Kara-well, Kara, loves to bake and cook.  Thus they sit down every Sunday night and decide what to have for the week.  PIB and I have signed up randomly for a night each.   Last week I made Honey Chicken with Veggies and Mashed Potato Avocado.  Lets just say that this first attempt had so many mistakes, that Mat was so kind in telling me the food was good, I'm sure he wanted to shoot himself in the foot then keep going.  I was playing with the dog and forgot about the food in the oven, then its HONEY so it burned to a nice black crisp.  The veggies were a bit overcooked and the potatoes didn't mash nicely but they were nice and watery.  So getting to know the food here in Australia and how different it is from the food in the States is hurdle number ONE.

 Monday was the next day I cooked.  And I love it when PIB steps in and helps.  He's fantastic in the kitchen.  We cook so well together.  I absolutely L.O.V.E. it.

So I bought this chook (or chicken if you're playing from the States) and it was already breaded and seasoned.  Along with that, PIB made his baked veggies of sweet potato and white potato and carrot.  I then grilled up some green beans and brocollini.    It was insanely awesome meal; although, neither of us did much to make it great.  It was just easy once you have the main organized and preseasoned for you.

Last night was another fail.  Epic fail if I'm honest. I bought this pre-battered fish.  Thought it looked good.  PIB made these awesome chips (fries for you back home) and I made corn-on-the-cob.  The chips and the corn were yummy, yummy, yummy; however, the fish was awful!  It was like fish fingers (or fish sticks).  So lessons learned.

If everyone in the house is okay with being patient with me while I learn to cook, then I'm happy to keep failing.

Thought of the day

My Boy

I want to tell you about my boy. 

PIB is fairly quiet until you get to know him.  He enjoys his time by himself, but tolerates me bursts of energy and disorganization.

He thinks before he speaks and tells you what you ask.  He doesn't beat around the bush and for the longest time, I thought maybe he was weak.

I'm a bit more than difficult to say the least.  I've tried to walk away, but he doesn't let me go.  For this reason, I thought he must not be able to leave.  For some reason he doesn't see me as I am.  What I've learned from him though is that when you love someone, you don't walk away.  It takes such a massive amount of strength to stay holding onto to someone whose instinct is to run from an intimate commitment.

He stands near  me.  Giving me room to breathe and find myself.  He allows me to express my emotions.  He does this without fear and worry.  He holds my hand and cuddles me.  He hugs me in public and isn't afraid to kiss me if someone might be watching.

He thinks about what I say and considers my feelings.  He gives me the freedom to share details about our relationship and doesn't feel that everything needs to be kept private.

He wants people to know he loves me.  He is proud to call himself my boyfriend.  He loves me.  He gives me the room to fail and try again.    I can fail and know that I can come back to him.

PIB took me to dinner and gave me a necklace for my birthday.  I love necklaces.  So much.  I love that I can keep them on and its an quite reminder that he loves me.  I will absentmindedly grab my necklaces and play with it.  I'll catch a glimpse of it in the mirror and smile.  I love my necklace.  I love my boy for all that he is.

I love that I have finally found someone who is exactly what I've been wanting; someone strong and affectionate.  Someone who challenges my mind and keeps me entertained.  Someone who doesn't mind being a character in my life story.  Someone who doesn't leave me feeling as though I'm not worth it.  He makes me smile and wants me.  He doesn't turn me down and tell me I ask for too much sex.  He doesn't fear that I will burn him with my energy.  He embraces my dark side and can pacify me without my own realization.  He makes me happy. 

New Girl! New Girl! New Girl.

Everyone who knows me knows that I have girl crushes.

I can't help it.  The girls that I crush on are generally girls that I am nothing like.  Girls that offer the world humor, or sex appeal or something that I seriously seriously lack in my Italian Genetics.

A couple of my crushes:

Jennifer Lopez; her body is fucking amazing.  She has an ass the size of a house and can rock out anything.  While I do have this ass, it doesn't look as amazing.  So I have ass envy.

Tina Fey: This girl is incredibly hot and she is funny.  She is also a successful public figure with a stable family life of a normal weird family, a marriage and a kid.

 

 

And my most recent of girl crushes:

 

I have adored her since my ex told me he had a crush on her and introduced me to her in The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.  I secretly stalked her in whatever movies I could find her in and subsequently, when I couldn't find anything with her in it, I was satisfied knowing that another girl crush of mine, Emily Deschanel,  was her sister.  I follow her on Twitter and Instagram and was so disappointed when the love photos of her and her partner abruptly ended on Tumbler. 

 

Yes, Its Zooey Deschanel.  I love how she's quirky and awkward.  I enjoy her sense of style and costumes on set are simply adorable!  So new girl comes back in two months.....I can. not. wait.  Even though I have no idea where or what I'll be doing in two months.....

 



The literal meaning of the word "Kangaroo"

Word History: A widely held belief has it that the word kangaroo comes from an Australian Aboriginal word meaning "I don't know." This is in fact untrue. The word was first recorded in 1770 by Captain James Cook, when he landed to make repairs along the northeast coast of Australia. In 1820, one Captain Phillip K. King recorded a different word for the animal, written "mee-nuah." As a result, it was assumed that Captain Cook had been mistaken, and the myth grew up that what he had heard was a word meaning "I don't know" (presumably as the answer to a question in English that had not been understood). Recent linguistic fieldwork, however, has confirmed the existence of a word gangurru in the northeast Aboriginal language of Guugu Yimidhirr, referring to a species of kangaroo. What Captain King heard may have been their word minha, meaning "edible animal."

 

 

A. Widley. Held. Belief. that the word Kangaroo means "I don't know."

 

A few weeks ago a friend posted on facebook the literal meaning of Kangaroo.  I was beyond ecstatic to discover this meaning.  Upon some research, I find it is actually a misunderstanding, but holy fuck!  How perfect that the title of my blog is thought to mean "I don't know."

It couldn't have been more perfect if I had planned it.

“I’m not bad. I’m just drawn that way.” ~ Jessica Rabbit

Day one of being 30.  I spent it like most would; I woke up to my sex starved boyfriend clawing at my body asking me without words to finally please please lets have sex.  Next moved on to a large piece of cake from my leftovers and then went to a physio appointment.  I'm finally finishing this fine morning with a posting.

I think it might be best to try and explain away my bad girl attitude for today.  You see, yesterday, I woke up in tears, sobbing if I must be honest.  The boy felt so bad about me feeling so shitty about myself that he invited Kelsey into keep me company while he left for work. 

I then shared some sob stories with one of my besties and now housemate, Kara about how boys can be such dickheads at times.  Boys can say the most inappropriate things.  My boy is not excluded from this list and neither are most of the boys I know who are dating my best of friends.  I spent my entire day with some rocking hot chicks aka- more of my besties, also named  Mel and Amber. These girls bear witness to my shitty start;  Oh you girls know the story of me running across the road and literally out of my shoes as an oncoming car is about to hit me while I cross illegally.  After a few bits of conversation, food,  kisses, hugs and promises to do it again soon; I came back home to  Kara.  She and I spent the rest of the afternoon only as two depressed woman could: drinking, eating and laugh away the rest of the day.

Now that I'm back in Brisbane, it has been my ultimate goal of reestablishing some semblance of normal.  Normal would be a schedule of activities, and some physical activities such as rock climbing, yoga, crossfit, working out....anything really to make me feel like my life isn't wasting away in the very cold; old style Queenslander we've living in.

I'm over being weak.  I'm putting my sassy pants back on and kicking some ass.  And this means I'd like my sports to kick ass as well.  For example, cross fit and rock climbing already show some bad girl attitude.    However, yoga, yoga is a different story.  Its all about finding peace and calm and quite.  I want to do yoga again, but I'd like it with some flair please.

From the inspiration of Buddah: the path to awakening is one of rebellion.

Therefore; I see my new yoga instructors as some of the best bad girls known to (wo)man:

Bette Paige: “Okay, bitches, grab a trap… oops, I mean strap! Get on all fours and straddle that mat. Lace up your belly muscles. Get fierce, make your Grrr face! Release your inhibitions from the bondage of self!”

Lady GaGa: “I encourage everyone to strip down to your panties and offer the fullest, craziest expression of every pose! Don’t be shy—dance and make out with each other! Where my gay boys at? Do the bus stop! Toot toot, heyyyy, beep beep!”

Okay, it’s not the worst thing to be a little naughty by nature, but we do need some boundaries… Or we might be all doomed to dress and talk like drunk saloon girls our whole lives.

Therefore, I shall take a moment to calm my attitude, water down my sass but don't think for a minute that my softer side has taken over completely. I mean we try to be ecstatically happy and perfect human beings every single day but somedays it just doesn't work.  Like yesterday I got tipsy in the middle of the afternoon. Today I didn’t even brush my hair. Yup, I've still got my rebellious ways.

 

30 Years After Exiting the Womb.

I'm turning 30 tomorrow.

This next year, I'm going to set 52 goals for myself.

I may need help on this; the setting of these goals and the accomplishment of said goals.

My first goal is to set realistic goals.  I've been known to have some flair.  This flair leads me to setting mind blowing goals.  For example.  When I was 24, I decided to retire at 30.

To be fair, I had been going on that path very nicely, however, instead of staying focused (another major issue of mine) I then took it upon myself to check out two years early and travel Australia.  Now, I'm unemployed, with no savings.  Epic fail.

So realistic goal ideas:
2. No shopping.  This might seem unattainable.  But seriously, since I'm unemployed, I want to prove to myself, once again, that happiness isn't in the items in my closet.  When I feel the urge to shop, I want to do some exercise, or go for a climb or something that doesn't cost any money.  Spend more time volunteering, or with my family/friends.  I will explore my city. Some of the things I'd like to steer away from buying: NEW clothing, accessories, shoes, jewelry, handbags, ANTHING name brand, fast food.  I want to take this time to learn to cook and eat right.  Exercise.  I don't include waxing, haircuts, or dinners with friends or the boy.  I shouldn't include frivolous gifts, except I've already committed to buying my friend Amber's 30th birthday gift....so maybe to exclude that one purchase?? 

3. Time Management- Using spreadsheets and day planners and all the cool things that normal real people use.

4. Budget living- living within a set budget, successfully

5. Learn to pay attention.  In small doses, like maybe 10 minutes at a time- my attention span is that of a five year old.  Well, now that I've been hanging out with my two year old nephew, I realize that my temperament may be a bit more like a two year old.

6. Learn to cook.  More than just pasta and chicken

7. Volunteer again!

8. Do not buy anything name brand.  This may fall under no shopping; but I just want to make sure that I reiterate if I fail at goal 2 it won't be for goal 8.

9. Start climbing again.

10. Start working out again.

11. Run a half marathon

12.  Maybe by starting with a 5K.

13. Follow my moms footsteps and be more crafty.

14. Squat 130 pounds. -

15. Have creative date nights with the boy, once a week

16. Come up with more realistic goal ideas.

I need a moment!

The last two months have been hectic to say the least. I'm yearning for a moment of time to be by myself.