Love without Attachment

Attachment makes our critical mind overactive.  I've been learning a lot in life about love, relationships, and how to make myself happy.  I've pulled from principles such as Christianity, craziness, and Buddhism. 

I remember years ago when I started to dabble in Buddhism, a friend of mine said he would disown me if I got to heavily involved with it.  I've picked things up over the last few years about the principles and the intentions.  While, I agree with some of the methods (and maybe my issue is one foot in; one foot out) I can't commit completely to the practice.

I constantly struggle with my desire to flee a relationship.  Twice now I've been told that i am up and down while the boy is a steady line.  I get excited and run full force.  Never understanding the amount of enthusiasm I put into something; I get scared seeing, in my mind, a lackluster response from my partner.  Thus making me step back and subsequently, my enthusiasm waning.

“In desperate love, we always invent the characters of our partners, demanding they be what we need of them, and then feeling devastated when they refuse to perform the role we created in the first place.” 
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

“I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism.” 
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

It's been almost three years since I've left the relationship I felt as though was smothering me.  Only to, I fear, step into another relationship.  Jesus Fucking Christ.  I don't understand why I fear commitment. I want my space but I want to be with him too.  I don't know how to happily manage the both of them.  Moving to Melbourne has been both good and bad.  But we have learned very little from the therapy sessions we attended.  Not to discredit the time we spent on therapy; however, we both still shut down and we both still withdraw.  And I guess this that I am experiencing is what you experience in a relationship as an adult couple.

I'm watching season 5 of Parenthood and I see how the older couple have been pulled away.  She is traveling to Italy because he is happy staying inside his box.  She feels like she missed out on her life.  She is happy that she had the life that she led; but no she is wanting to experience more.  I fear I will live a life like this. Scared.  I now understand whole hardheartedly the need to slip away for three days, with no contact with the world.

I miss my boy's touch.  He used to reach for me and want to interact with me.  He pursued me.  And I feel like we're just content and comfortable right now.  I don't like it.  I still want him to show me he wants me.  I want him to be who he was when he was putting in effort to make me his.  I love him, so much.  Yet, I'm attached to him so thus I have this emotional roller coaster.  I struggle to give him what he needs, give me what I need, and not lose sight of what we both want.  I forget things that make me happy as an individual.  I know its my issue.  And PIB has been so fantastic by encouraging me to remember the things I enjoy doing.  He's even started running with me.   So when I fear I'm being locked into a relationship, I have to force myself to see all sides of the picture.  And remember why I love him.

You know what I want from him?  Watch Season 5 Episode 11 of Parenthood.  At the end, the husband sends a very important email as he realizes that he wants to be with his wife, even if it means stepping out of his box.  He SHOWS her he loves her.

I want romance.  I can't help it.  A flower.  A hidden note.  Just something to show me that I come across his mind.  Something unexpected to please me.  I love doing it for him, but honestly, I can't be bothered when I feel like it fruitless.  But again, that's my fucking expectation.

How do we live without it?  I don't understand.