We aren't taught to listen to our gut instinct. To sit in silence and listen to the nagging voice of reason. To feel the ball in the pit of our stomach and follow the strings to unravel the truth. I've spent the last three years of my life trying to find the start of that ball. To uncover what makes me tick. Through failed attempts at "relationships" to moving into isolation, I've battled depression, darkness, sadness, light, happiness, and a free mind. I've gone from wanting nothing to wanting stability.
A core focus has always been sex. How does it always come back to this? I don't know that I fully understand. The comfort zones that I have around sex seem to be so boarded up and tight that I can't function. It impairs my thinking and my life.
Its a huge cloud that doesn't ever seem to go away. Mostly its a white cloud, but at times its a dark storm. My fucked up views on relationships and sex are so entangled that I fear it can't be changed. I'm afraid I will never ever be able to cognitively think of sex as just sex. Whilst I use it mainly as a gauge to understand my feelings, I've used it to punish myself and to also make myself happy.
I'm a self-sufficient go getter with big dreams and an even bigger heart, which most people don't see right away. I use sex to pull people in or to separate myself from someone. When vulnerable, I pull up a shield around myself. Seeking only to keep my perceived weaknesses under wraps. I am then portrayed by the one who loves me as cold and distant. Untouchable and unreachable, he turns away thinking my insecurities and inability to let anyone is something he has done.
I can get so lost in my brain and thoughts that I know the conversations I have with myself in my head are too intense for those I sleep with. Often I come across as weird, philosophical or simply melodramatic. I value deep conversation and crave it more than the physical touch of a person.
I crave someone who can hear my thoughts, recognize that they are what make me beautiful. Acknowledge I'm not crazy. I want to have someone engage in my contemplation, talk in theoretical's, debate the unknown, stir my brain.
In life I always choose my profession over love. I've already proven that each time, when forced to make a choice between love and my goals, I choose my goals. My goals are so much easier. A clear path and even when its unknown, I stay confident that I can reach them. But, I'd like to have both. I dream that its possible. That someone can give me what I want on all aspects of connection.
So here I am, in a relationship, the girl who sees the potential. Wakes up and strives for something unattainable. A girl who wants to be completely together with someone. Same wave lengths. I need to reminded that I'm loved. Not necessarily with words, but with actions. But I am human so I overlook the little things, please tell me about them. I don't forget them when you tell me. Show me with your actions and then your words. I know I have a lot of love to give. I just don't understand how it works. I need someone to show me, someone who is patient while I fail.
But in the meantime, I'm happy to settle with an open relationship. One that allows us to step outside of our relationship. Its something that will relieve the pressure of me figuring out the things I do wrong. It also gives me the space to not think about my weaknesses and apply pressures to my vulnerabilities. A space to breathe. To continue to chose my career over love. A place that I have the control to not be vulnerable.
This post scares me. These exact thoughts were the beginning of the end of my marriage. Is this writing on the wall?
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