The year after the pandemic

 Fast forward to 2021.  Well, in reality, almost 2022.  It's November 2nd, 2021.  I'm alone.  Again.  Re-hashing relationships gone by.

Cyberstalking exes.  Reading old emails.  A black hole no one wants to revisit.  A list of failures with two things in common, attachment style and me. 

I was worried this blog would have been deleted.  As it perhaps should have been.  I mean, I haven't touched this site in, what? Five years? Five. Years. 

But I'm back.  It can't be a good sign.  Oh fuck it, it's not a good sign.  Haha  - clearly.  I have come to the realisation that I have no place to call my own.  I have absolutely no humans with whom I can rely upon.  The boys of my past, moved on, married, in Instagram worthy relationships.  Yet, me, discarded.  

This is not a self-pity post.  The relationship ended more because LEA was incapable of vulnerability and human connection.  I choose them like that.  I feel it in my gut, 'this guy is going to decide he won't want to settle down in the long run.  He is my long game.'  Self-sabotage at best, as so my therapist has told me.   Writing has always been my coping mechanism.  So here I am again.  Correction: typing.  Not quite the same, but right now, putting pen to literal paper, my brain freezes.  So it feels good to write again at a keyboard.

A few updates: 

First: my insta page @parenting_humphrey I have two beautiful babies.  Humphrey and Olive.  They are my whole world.  They keep me going.  

Olive Jean

Humphrey Gene

Second: I'm fulfilling a promise to myself.  I remember making this promise when I was 21 or 23.  Clear as day.  Standing in my living room.  With that awful pumpkin-coloured wall and the shitty brown coloured stripe.  The hardwood floors and the fireplace.  "I will get my MBA before I'm 40."  If nothing else, I'm good on my word.  Hello, #38 and I'm 1 year into my MBA.  One more year to go.  Or five full subjects.  Well, four 1/2 as I'm already 1/2 way through this subject, "strategic management." Hello, did you hear that? That was my heart signing.  I fucking love this subject.  I was born for strategic management.  Born with the bigger picture in my head.  The ability to scan a situation and work through it making all of the right decisions.  I can literally do that for everything but my fucking personal life.  

I guess the biggest impact. an impact over the last 24 months has been human rights.  The shift of big brother and big tech and big pharma.  Black Lives Matter.  Pandemic.  Trump.  Global Warming.  The world feels pretty dire.  I don't know how families who lived through bombings (and STILL ARE #pakistan) did it.  Anne Frank, being locked in an attic for as long as your family were, fearing for your lives,  I just simply can't fathom.  18 months in lockdown hasn't fared well for me. 

Question of the year: do I find a distraction or do I sit and heal my trauma?