I only write when I'm bleeding.

I recognize that I only write when I'm upset, hurting or thinking too much.  I'm going to make a conscious effort to change that.  However, I can't promise anything.  The last few months have been pretty fucking amazing.  I admit, I'm settling into a job a hate and a domestication that suffocates me at times, but all in all, I realize that I need to do things in order to make a better future for myself.  With that said, I need to do things to get my past in order as well.  Thus, I'm working a decent job and coming home to not successfully cook dinners.  I'm awful at being cooped up.   He understands and asks that I don't hold my choices against him.  I pray that I don't. 

One thing that keeps me sane, though, is the love this boy has for me.  He is challenging as a human being.  Sensitive and moody, I sometimes see a mirror.  The most demanding of all things in this relationship is for me to see his perspective in things.  Worse, though, is that the learning and growing I feel so important to me as a person, is only one sided.  He doesn't see a need for it.  Won't even entertain any ideas outside of his.  He's right. That's all there is to it.  But, he loves me.  I know this.  I see it when he kisses me.  I see it when he does things out of the blue for me.  Its small gestures, but they are there.  He makes me happy.  Yes, we struggle and I just simply pray that I can continue to be patient, but all in all, he makes me happy. 

 

I think some of the reasons he makes me happy is that I am so absolutely comfortable with him sexually.  He doesn't make me feel insecure, or inexperienced.  While he has the ability to push my comfort zones.  He does it slowly, with respect.  While he's not 100% comfortable with his sexuality, and that frustrates me; he is still able to push my comfort zones.  And he can keep up with my libido, mainly because his is 100 x more than mine!

But I push - and make life revolve around sex. It's fucked up. I feel a power struggle between the two of us and it isn't healthy. I'm letting it go. I choose this path. Regardless of my feelings - I've chosen his love. Even in times of doubt. I choose this. Don't forget.