I have come to the shocking realization that the only thing I have to offer in a relationship is sex.
I've been told by several of my ex's that have an energy that they can't function in. And when they are around me, they can't tell me no.
That energy dear boys is sexuality. I had two relationships where the boys had a hard time getting themselves up. By the end of our relationship, they were having no problems. Wanting sex more times a day then they had wanted in a month previously. Do I bolster their confidence? Or is my sexuality so strong that it over comes libido.
Either way, I don't always know when I'm using it. I don't realize the impact it has on the male species. And so I sit here again, feeling awful and shitty because it was undeniably sex that kept him participating in this relationship.
When the energy is so strong, it blinds a mans senses. But breaks a girls heart.
I have promised myself that I won't be self destructive this time. I'm always self destructive when I end a relationship.
I guess this one is different because it had the promise of intimacy. A closeness that I haven't had in any of my previous relationships, including seven years or more of my marriage.
The thought of a one night stand sickens me. No, I don't want to be self destructive. I do, however; still want to withdraw from the world. But I'm not. I'm being a good girl.
Future advice, pay more attention to my sexuality. I want a boy to be with me. Not my energy. That makes them do things they wouldn't do; therefore, leading them to be someone they're not.
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