When do I heal?

You must have long-range goals to keep you from being frustrated by short-range failures. — Charles C. Noble

I had a conversation with Erin today via messaging and I am so happy for this girl.  She has really come into her own.  She has a beautiful family and a house they just bought.  In her message she said, "jealous that you are living in Australia AND traveling where ever the wind takes you...so would love to be doing that with you!" 

My response was raw and honest:
"Don't be jealous....I'm a lost soul looking for what I can't seem to find. Its always at the tip of my finger tips, but fear will always define me it seems."

I don't feel settled in my soul.  I don't feel content.  I feel like everything is uncertain.

Don't get me wrong here.  I love my life.  I know I'm blessed and I have an amazing group of friends and family.  Its just I know that at some point, this journey will end.  I will have to settle down and get a real job and be someone I don't want to be again. 

With my visa coming to an end here shortly, I feel this is the time that this new life will need to emerge.  What new responsiblities will I need to take on to make others happy?  What if the long range goals I choose for others, don't justify my short range failures?

When will I stop trying to hold everything together for others?  Why does fear allow me to hold on and let go depending on the situation? 

I don't like how heavy my heart gets when I think about this stuff.  I hate it. 

Just like exercise, I feel better when I'm being mindful.  So exercise and mindfulness are two things I need to reestablish in my life.

I was talking with Mel this morning, I don't want to date while I'm up here in Brisbane.  It was easier to date in Melbourne because I knew I wouldn't be staying there.  I hate dating close to home.  It seems that I never allow myself to date people who are available to me.  Or I date people who I know aren't my one.  Except for TWO.  But I'll leave him out of this musing.

Will I always want to take the easy way in life?  Will I always want a back door escape?  Its been two years and I'm going to have to say the answer still at this moment is yes.

When will I heal?  When will I stop being gunshy?  When will I trust again?  WHEN WILL FEAR STOP DEFINING ME?  When will I be confident again in my own skin?  When will I committ to me?



xoxoxxoxoxo