He asked for silence

As I’m on the SkyBus headed for the airport, I want to send a text message.

I want to ask if all the good times have gone in vain. Did they mean anything? Were they as fun for him as me. Or did the last few interactions leave such a bad taste in his mouth that he can’t even remember any good points?  Then I think about last night. As the BZE gang and I gathered at the Standard Hotel for drinks to say farewell to Trent, who is going to China for three weeks and myself, we got lost in conversation til pretty late. Even as I think back, its amazing to me to recognize that people are not always as they seem. My first time in Melbourne, I met one of the boys there and was immediately impressed with him. Every time I’ve interacted with him, he’d been quiet and reserved, always polite. Last night, he was open and receptive to conversation. It was shocking and pleasing at the same time.

Our conversation was about men and woman. He tells me things I’ve heard from boys I’ve dated; guys don’t want to “talk”, they need their space. He tells me that every moment doesn’t need to be filled with chatter. Girls shouldn’t be needy and ask “what are you thinking.” Men loath the fact that woman don’t grasp this concept. He tells me how he’ll ask his girlfriend not to do something, and then she does it anyway. Leaving him wonder if he should say something or leave it be. He then goes on to draw a graphic. This graph shows how woman’s emotions and reactions differ from men’s. As you would expect, the woman’s line is up and down and extreme. The man’s line is elevated and then levels off. Men recognize that they are mad and yet, instead of addressing the issue, take some time (days?) to process this information. Girls feel the need to express every emotion and then they feel better. (Often, leaving the boy feeling like shit without that being the intention). The conversation goes on for a good five hours or so. I end it as the time neared 11:00 pm. I understand the conversation. I feel for guys, I do. I tell him that I will seriously take our conversation into my next relationships. I will try to make sure that my emotions are more regular to respect the person I’m with.

So this morning, as I think about sending this text of which I feel is exponentially important to find the answer to, last night’s conversation rattles around in my brain and then, an epiphany. I cherish the memories we had. I love the moments we had that he made me laugh, made me think, smile, feel good. It’s all that matters. I can’t change his mind about whatever I think I need to change it about. I can’t change the way he feels about whatever it is I think he should change. All I can do is be happy for the time that we spent together. And I’m not sorry about it. I wouldn’t change it. As a result this urgent text, that I feel must be sent, goes unsent. All the questions that I think I need to feel complete, go unasked. And for once, without him even knowing it, I give him what he’s been asking for this whole time.  Silence.  This is me making changes because I know to be who I want to be, change is inevitable. The one thing I can’t give him is to not be a “character” in my story. I can’t help it. He is and always will be. I hope someday he forgives me for that.

In the meantime, I am slowly moving forward. There are so many more experiences, lessons and logic to learn and understand.