I have just had a really shitty day and it hasn't come to a graceful end. My neediness led me to texting the boy telling him that I wanted to talk to him, of which a phone call from him ensued, followed by me talking, asking questions and only getting grunts. While I appreciate the call (which was immediately after the text and for this, I'm thrilled because I thought he wasn't going to be able to chat), I got my hopes up for a conversation, of which did not happen. Damn expectations.
On top of that, a few weeks ago I sent a message to an ex telling him that I was done talking to him. And yet, over the weekend he sent a text. A nice text, and this is how I continue to get caught up in his bullshit, so I reply thank you. He follows that up with a few text messages today and he is back to being his dick headed self that he has always been. Its frustrating and upsetting. For a number of reasons. 1. because I have high hopes that we can stay friends. (damn expectations) That I can tell my boy no its okay, he's a decent guy and maybe even the two of you could hang out and 2. because i'm always wrong. And I engage into a conversation with him that I end up feeling shitty about because he's a shitty person and then I feel worse, because I know I should have ignored him to save face with my boy. And I feel like I'm keeping a secret that isn't really a secret because what am I to say, hey he sent me a message......hey he sent me a message again..........that would get incredibly old.
And as I'm thinking, I'm thinking about him as a person.
He was so secretive and my gut feelings, as usual, ended up being right about him. So I'm thinking back about the secrets I uncovered about him. And I guess I can't fathom where people who hold secrets come from. Nathan did it. It was bad. Sammy did it. It was bad. Secrets from your partner is bad.
I'm out there. So out there. you know what I'm thinking and you know how I'm going to react. I have never been on a dating site, not because I snub them, but because I haven't had the opportunity. I freely admit that I watch porn and masturbate. I love eating and while I have shame, I think I'm healthy enough to not worry about what others think. These are all things people keep from others.
I've had it all, mothers of friends not wanting me to hang out with their daughters, me being too much for particular people, and whatever. I take my share of criticism. Wholeheartedly.
And at the end of the day, I don't have secret e-mail accounts, I don't omit that I have (had) dating sites. Everyone knows that I watch porn. Some people think I'm bisexual. I have no secrets. None. Nothing. I would tell you any question you asked me, with an open heart and open mind and with 100% honesty.
I post most things here on this blog for fuck's sake.
I honestly don't know how I keep getting caught up with people who are comfortable with lying. OR omitting the truth. They don't think they're lying if they don't ever bring it up. Ugh. Its these types of memories, that I need to keep in the forefront of my brain to remember why I shouldn't talk to him. And then I analyze that maybe this is a secret and look back at the messages and feel confident that the very few messages exchanged today aren't worth thinking about. Then I think, well that's probably what secretive people think.
But there is a difference between engaging in a conversation with an ex and having an online dating profile that is still active or lying that you never watch porn.
I need to cut all people who lie to me out of my life. Out. They don't deserve the honesty I put on the table.
Right?? Am I wrong about this? Please someone justify a lie to your partner or a friend. Is this something I see as black and white that should be fifty shades of grey?
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