When the end comes

A small issue in life, I've found.  When something is cracked, you can try your damndest to push it back together again.  However, it may move closer together, but doesn't mean its fixed.  You can try glue, and cement, and close your eyes to pretend it isn't there, but at the end of the day, its cracked.

I have yet, to be able to see how this crack is fixed. 

I've been awake since 2 am, its now five, I'm anxiously awaiting to see if a gentleman I know is interested in investing in the practice.  The practice has a large crack in it.  Issues out of the ass.  Its pretty sad when I'd rather be here in Bundaberg working then thinking about Annen or Brisbane.  These problems can be fixed and I'm working all morning, noon and midnight to get them resolved.  But I just need some cash to keep the practice alive at the moment.  My divorce ruined my credit to no end.  I guess there is more than one way to fuck someone over isn't there?

The boy and I are broken.  Too much resentment in his memory.  The love we had has been lost.  He asked what causes our problems.  I know its me not talking and opening up.

I have the hardest time asking for what I need.  Its not meant so I can be a martyr.  Its more of my history of time and time again, me turning to people when I need them and being let down.  So now, I don't trust people to accept these responsibilities.  If I can't fix it, then I feel like it can't be fixed at all.

I am trying to formulate the words for this post.  But I'm exhausted, emotionally and physically.  I'm drained with .....::

This was a post I started April 8th. I never finished it. I sit here on my moms front porch listening to the birds chirp. Thy are different then the ones in Brisbane. They don't comfort me like the ones there to. The sounds and smells, while familiar,
Don't begin to satisfy my homesickness. As I continue to plan my return I will be less. Regardless of my mistakes I don't deserve the names I'm called. And at the end of the day; that's what rules my heartbreaking decision.