It's pretty clear to me that I have no idea how relationships work. I don't understand how two people can walk away with the same experiences and same insights on the same thing, thus allowing them to be happy ever after.
I see very different things then the people in my life. My actions seem, to others, out of turn or unexpected. When, for me, it was a natural course of action. The next step. The obvious choice.
As I pack up today, I know I should have handled things differently. I should have stopped from getting upset and thus spoken about the situation I saw at hand. Where is the line? Where does "you're nagging the shit out of me because you want to talk all the time," cross over with, "you close down because you don't want to fight about this." I don't understand. And trust me my friend, its not from lack of trying. Ten months and I still don't know how to talk to this boy I love. Several failed relationships and I still don't know the line of this is okay, this is not. Are things more complicated in this day in age? How did my grand parents handle this type of stuff. How did they know they would overcome their tiffs? How did they know if this tiff mattered or not?
How do you feel comfortable enough to talk about what you're feeling? How does your guy give you that comfort area that you can come to him with the problems you see and make your feelings feel valid? How does he not get defensive and/or shut down himself?
I don't understand how men and woman co-exist in the same household for extended period of time in crisis. Why so early in a relationship can one feel they are giving 99% and the other feel they are giving 99% and neither party's partner feel the 99%??? Its 99% for crying out loud.
I tried to make our new living arrangements home. Everyday, he'd come home and never make any mention of my intentions. Everyday, I'd try and prompt him about work and everyday the only responses I would get were grunts. No opportunity for conversation. When I made a comment about doing the dishes, his response was, you have all day to wash them, we're all working.
As if I'm less at this moment in time because I'm at home, against my will, all day. Never were we able to have a legit conversation in regards to our future plans. Not without one getting so frustrated and pissed off that we couldn't continue. This is what I saw. This is what I have felt over the past few weeks.
af·fec·tion (a-f k sh n) n. 1. A tender feeling toward another; fondness.
I don't feel it. I don't see it. We all have 24 hours in a day, regardless if we're sitting at a desk or doing laundry. We should make the time we spend with others worth it.
There are so many examples I have at this point I just feel as though I'm nitpicking. I'm not though. It's just how I feel about majority of the situations we have been in the last few weeks.
And I know he's unhappy that we're out of West End. I know he's unhappy we're house sharing. I know he doesn't (and hasn't) want to sell his car. I know he doesn't want to have to live on this small of a budget. At the end of the day, we're both in the same boat. So why should I feel worse for him when I'm dealing with the same feelings? With other feelings and issues on top of these?
It simply boils down to me feeling shitty about talking about how I'm feeling. I fight a lot of emotions in regards to this:
1. Undeserving
2. Self Conscious
3. Crazy
4. Defeat
They win. Every single time. These feelings win. Reducing me to silence and withdrawal. I don't give; therefore, I don't get. So I'm not crazy or underserving. Its true. I'm not giving therefore, I'm not getting. Its not all in my head. I didn't think it was.
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