This is generally a place I can bare my soul. And for the last two to three years, I've been successful at doing that with no to limited reservations.
Today, is going to be one of those days. It hasn't happened in quite sometime.
Last night at climbing was different. The glances. The awkwardness. I'd just like to document on this day, I know something aside from friendship has commenced. He looked guilty. They kept their distance with one another. They are both awkward about it. I'm pleased to announce that I'm feeling nothing. And I need to note this here because of the fear I felt about the idea of them together.
But even with PIB and I having hard times lately, I feel nothing toward this thought. I feel nothing toward him. Its such a huge accomplishment for me. I have spent the last year feeling as though we had some things unresolved, but in all honesty, we don't. This, makes me happy.
Sad, that I've wasted the time....but happy that I'm over it.
Now, to onto PIB and me. We're strained. We're both always on edge with one another. This makes me wanting to apply for this visa even less. I don't want to go into spending this amount of money, him sell his car and we break up. I think in all honesty, I need to see him less at this moment. I love him to pieces, but we get under each others skin at the moment. We need some time apart. Sometime to do whatever we want without the other person and just see each other on a limited basis.
Not sure how he would take that. Worse, how we would do it. So we just sit by and watch our relationship crumble. Maybe its not crumbling? We have a good foundation. I know that. We both enjoy each others company. We trust one another. We spent the other night going over what we felt was needed. I know we love each other. We both know love isn't enough. I don't know how to take what we've built and make it what we want for the future. I don't want to leave him. I know this. I know I want to be with him. I just don't know how to make it happen. Not force it. Isn't that what I've learned the last few years? Butterfly, lillypad....you know. patience and persistence.
I love this boy so much. He makes my heart swell thinking about him. Even after a year. I get butterflies when I see him or catch him looking at me. Although, I find him doing that less. I guess that might be one thing I've had a problem with. Before, I felt like he wanted to be with me and wanted to do things with me and he seemed to put effort in. That is gone. Or heavily diminished to be fair. He did help me at the gym today. THAT was perfect! Exactly what I needed. Encouraged me to keep going. Helped me with the heavier weights. Was very good. Albeit boring as fuck for him! hahaha.....that's what makes me love him though. Things that he does for me. lately, I just feel really like he doesn't want to do anything. He goes to work, comes home, watches tv....sleeps. He doesn't mind rock climbing in there somewhere, although we've always been different when we went to the gym. I climb casually, chatting away with friends and pushing myself gently, whilst he pushes himself the whole time. Minimal talk. More climbing. haha He needs his old group of friends to climb with. That would make him happier I think. Although, I want him to push me to be better. I want him to be stronger and pave the way for me to follow. Maybe that isn't going to be our thing. I can handle that.
In the meantime, I need to figure out what is going wrong. What is the thorn in our side. How to fix it. Make things right with us. hmmmmm........
patience. understanding. kindness. openness. I want us. I want him. How to save it before I damage it.
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