"Whatever."~Said in my best 1995 Clueless voice.

For what seems like eternity ago, I was sitting in front of my laptop and I realized that I had lost my spark.  If you look back in my posts, you won't be able to find that realization, as I've removed it from my public blog. However, I did post about it.  It was upsetting and for the longest time, I thought that had defined me.

Sometimes, even I don't believe this. 

The other night PIB and I were laying in bed after a very serious conversation, he gave me a hug and said; at least your spark is back.  In that moment, I realized he hadn't known what my spark was to realize that that wasn't true.

Today I sit and think about what is my spark.  I've fought having it for so long.  Now that it's been missing for a year and a bit, I am desperate to have it back.  Maybe in a different form.  I want the force I didn't realize I had.  I want the drive and desire that led me to some of my greatest moments in life.

Although, as I sit here and really think about the person who gave me insight to this spark of mine, and I think of a conversation of a friend who has just met him.  "He's so vanilla."   Maybe I've never had spark.  Perhaps, my spumoni just never mixed with his vanilla.

I can't say I believe that wholeheartedly.  While he was very plain and boring (as well as intellectual and adventurous) he was insightful.  So with that, I need to figure out where my place is in the world.  I have finally, (after some serious nudging from my boy) decided what I will go to Uni for.  I believe, I will own my own business again.  I think regaining my spark will be tangled with settling down and having structure.  Although, at the same time, PIB is quite lazy and not motivational, I fear I will mesh with his personality and lose that side of me completely.  My fear of settling is quite grave.  As much as I love the boy with my entire being, my fear does define me at times.

I have realized that I can't make people see the world the way I see it.  I have to let go of things that I can't control.  This means changing who I am.  So instead of seeking out a similar minded person; I stay with someone because love them.  Today, I react to something that is so important to me by shutting down.  Walking away, crying silently, but not pushing.  Perhaps the old me with my spark would push.  I know the old me with spark would push.  The new me, just ignores.  Walks away from the situation in pure defiance.  Neither I suppose can be healthy.  I can't make someone want to give me something.  I just can't.  So, if you choose not to talk; then I'll respond in the manner I see I need to.  I've said this before, and I'll say it again; just because my response to a situation is different then an expectation, (or non expectation I assume in this case) then you can't be upset because it played out exactly as it should have.  So I'll shut down.  Stop showing so much excitement and keep my head down, moving forward. Its what you asked for without even knowing it.

In the meantime, I will keep my spark in the back of my mind for later review.