Its not that I don't want her to learn life lessons on her own. she should live and learn. What I would want to do is protect her from the scars that relationships like this leave.
In the last two years I have dated some very good guys. Each of whom had their own issues in regards to relationships,their own baggage. But each of them thinking they were ready to be loved by me.
Each of them not being 100% of what I needed at the time.
PIB is the best of every boy I have ever dated. On top of that he brings so much more then I ever thought I wanted or needed to a relationship. He and I spoke about things before we were dating about guys needing things that woman need.
When I look back at my previous relationships; I was the person I feared the boys were going to be. The love em and leave em type. The one who didn't want to commit. The heartless one. PIB, Has offered to me a chance to come in on a Defacto Visa and I cant bring myself to accept this as a real possibility. It requires of me a level of written commitment that due to my marriage, I don't feel capable of giving to someone again. He tells me time and time again that just like the Tardis, his love is much bigger than it appears. That all I have to do is step inside and it's all mine.
I would enter relationships before and protect myself emotionally. With sex I would give them the emotionless side of me. I didn't even realize what I was doing. I knew I was doing it. I just didn't realize how detrimental that is to myself, another person, and the chance of building a relationship.
With PIB, he's made me realize that the very person I was protecting myself from, I had become. We are working on tearing down those walls. This whole time I had been working on breaking my sexual comfort zones. Working on getting over my fear of sex in a relationship. But what PIB has shown me is that just as I crave, men want to be loved too. They too want the emotion and the tenderness that women crave and seek.
I must admit here, as there isn't much in the blog in regards to TWO, but a major reason our relationship didn't work out is because of this very factor. Whilst there were other major issues, this was something he and I discussed on a very regular basis. Although, from a different point of view. I remember him saying to Me, I want it slow and I don't want it to feel like we're always just fucking. And I couldnt do it. He had asked and I deflected. I told him I wasn't ready and that I couldn't offer that to him.
I couldn't give him what he needed.
Instead of getting mad and frustrated with me, Instead of telling me that all I want is fun parks, fucking and fireworks, PIB recognizes my scars, he empathizes with me. His patience and understanding allows me to crumble without me even realizing. It allows me to break down walls on my own terms. He doesn't push. He's patient.
I know I don't deserve him. I know that I've broken my fair share of hearts and for that karma should be kicking me in the ass. But maybe karma allows for grace. And she has said, I understand that you weren't trying to be a dick. That you didn't realize your transgressions and therefore, I bestow upon you a boy who is confident in himself that he can teach you the life lessons you need.
And for that I thank you lady. And please please don't let the girl from the beginning of my story become so scarred that she can't recover from the mistakes she is so obviously making at the age I made the same mistakes.
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