When emotional mind creeps in a neediness that boys hate comes with it. It doesn't happen, to the extent it was yesterday, very often.
A vulnerable state of mind that allows me to be tender and girls. But leaves me too sensitive to his feelings and moods. My fear when is frustrated is that he is thinking why am I bothering with this mess? That he will come to his senses and realize There are girls out there who can be tender and loving 24 hours a day. My fear is he's thinking about walking away. Worse- he wont be thinking this in the heat of the moment. He'll wait for when he's alone to process what happened and decide that it's not worth the headache, the heartaches, the tears and the fears.
So I walk first. I leave him instead.
I hate it. I never want to do it. I need him to come to me and hug me hard and tell me that we can fight, but he won't leave me. Hug me long. Longer than he thinks is necessary. The barrier is dense, but not tough to break. I need to know that he can be mad and frustrated with me, without the ramifications of him wanting to find someone else.
I know I can't ask him to do that. I can't ask him to change who he is. Because as much as I try to change, I can't change me.
I like to think that if he let me know enough times during our fights then I'll trust that he won't leave me. That eventually my fear won't drive me away from him.
I can't ask such a huge change from him. So we both shut down and then blow up. It's less than before, but still happens.
It's apart of my broken soul that is severely shattered. He said we both have baggage, but I don't see his.
I don't know why I have this fear of being left? When I've thought about it- I've come to the conclusion that Nathan gave up on us. That he withdrew into his video games and tv shows so far that I couldn't save him. His depression ate him alive and even though I fought for him-he'd already checked out. So four more years and I was still fighting and waiting for him. What a foolish foolish girl I was.
This, I fear, leads me to push PIB away. My fear is saying, don't make either of us sit around until it's so bad that we hate each other.
Fuck, I love this boy. I love giving myself to him. I love being vulnerable. I love being myself with him. I want him to save me when I'm tired of trying to save myself.
We spoke about the trees and love and growing apart. I love his take on it. See I want nothing more than to learn from my partner. I want them to push my comfort zones and make me think.
He said, the roots would be intertwined. You wouldn't be able to see it, but even though the trees are side by side and separate, underneath they are bound to one another. Even though the trunks aren't touching, the branches would. While separate, they still need one another for support and grounding.
Logically,I need to stop doubting that I'm capable of being loved. I need to embrace the fact that he wants me.
~a girl born on her mothers vacation because I was too stubborn to come out on my due date
~a girl who has failed at relationships too many times to want to count.
~a girl who spooks so easily as though an offer of the heart is a slap on the face.
I long go accept this love you offer. I long to be the girl of your dreams. Your one. I want you to always give me what I need and take what you want.
❤
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