The silence is deafening.

How do you feel?  This is the question of the hour.

Good. I say.

It's a lie. I feel empty. Hollow. Alone. I've fought an uphill battle never alone, but always by myself; for the last two years and no one was going to win. How can this be a victory? The end of a decade. And end of what was to be forever?

I have 24 hours to decide what I want to do. I know what I want. I know where I stand. I'm just trying to see if I have the courage to do it. I'm weak though.

I stumbled upon the perfect lyrics for me today. The song is called "failure in disguise" and the lyrics are, "Have you ever felt as though you've stepped over the line? And then, did you just pretend everything is fine? Have you ever felt that no one knows who you are? Have you ever felt like a failure in disguise?"

I snapped at everyone today. Today should have been THE DAY. My chains have been released. But this black hole feeling has left me spinning and empty. I'm not shocked by the feeling. I can't determine if I'm in emotional mind or not. Is no feeling emotional mind? Is a numbness that shakes your soul, if I have a soul, emotion?

I have a job to do here. How do I leave that responsibility to someone else? How do I walk away at the bottom of the 9th and say, good luck. When the team is relying on me. And I'm just saying well, I've a new life now. I can't do it.

Was Nathan always a dick? Or did I turn him into one? How can I say anything about his behaviors of selfishness when I'm doing the same thing.

I can't even think to write. My hands are shaking. My heart is hollow and I have no one to turn to. So perhaps I'll just try and read and drown out this silence in my brain.