Discussion: Are people truly capable of change?

Just one word becomes the eye of the storm.  A feeling,impulse,a pump,a shake, a smile, a tear. 

I don't know.  I know that I've changed over the last year and a half.  But how, why, when?  Was it all at once?  Was it little bits at a time?  Am I honestly different than I was or just more aware of who I am?  Are those things one in the same?  Different?  I sit here and can tell you why I left every single relationship I left behind.  I can also tell you that for 50% of them, I would change leaving them.  But if I changed that I wouldn't have met the others.  So, would I change it? 

A friend and I were talking today, she said she has a friend who is pushing her to date boys.  She doesn't know if she's not ready to date out of fear or if she is just not wanting to date.  I asked her why does it matter what the reason is?  Everyone is always telling me you shouldn't face your fears just for the sake of doing it.  So I passed that to her.  Helpful?  Who knows.  Probably not.  I don't listen to those who tell me that.  Problem?  Probably. 

Everyone I know who is single has been on or is currently on a dating site.  I'm not sure why.  I can honestly say, I've never even had the thought entertain my brain.  Yeager wanted me to sign up but I never did.  Didn't make any sense to me.  I guess I meet plenty of people by chance (or sheer force on my part? Who knows) that I don't even want to think about a dating site.  

Its the new way, she said.  I responded, no matter how many times I deny it, I still believe in love.  I can't help it.  I tell myself I don't.  I tell others I don't, but I do.  I believe in it through the depths of my soul and back over and over again.  I can't change that fact about me.

I believe the fairy tale love stories of the girl finding along the path of life her soul mate.  The hansome hero, the prince, the boy who stands out from the rest.  Maybe I won't find him unless I'm on a dating site?  I doubt it.  Seriously.  And I feel the same way for her.  She is a beautiful girl.  Full of spirit and she is fun.  She has a stable job (one of which is dear to my heart ;))  She is just breathtaking.  She is wise and strong.  She gets life even when she doesn't. 

So what if she doesn't want to date?  Who cares about the reason?  It doesn't change who she is. 

All of this chatter in my head leads me back to being a whirl wind. Whirling Dervish. I had to look it up to see what it was. I didn't know. But yes, I guess it is a good description of me from Trista. Haha-guess she sees what Zonski says about me and agrees. This is something I would change. In a heartbeat I would give up this part of my personality.

Through a lobotomy? Maybe. lobotomy's zap out parts and actually kill your personality.  Takes who you are and with just a touch, kills those molecules of the brain that causes you to be the way you are.  I studied it in college. Its actually terrifying. We have a state mental hospital near Franklin that used to do them. The government forced them to stop after research and studies were done. Why you ask? SRW thinks I should stay the same.  He told me why, I have since forgotten his logic.  But it's because I can take the strongest man and fuck him up.  I hate it. I hate what I do to people.  I hate the fact I was close to having someone fall in love with me and I let others influence that.   I hate that on an impulse I can change my mind, even though my feelings aren't convienced.  I would stop letting others dictate for me and follow my heart before it was too late.

So for that, I would change me. If I could I would. This isn't said with sadness or disdain. Its not typed with one note of being upset or hurt or angry. It's a fact. A simple fact that I can't change. But i would if i could.