If this is true; then I'm lost. What if the one you loves shuts down when you need them? What if they turn their back and focus on their own needs. Their needs that have manifested out of your needs. Its a catch 22 I'm afraid.
You can't rely on them because your pain is so strong, they crumble at the thought of your weaknesses.
I understand that men pull away when there are things they don't want to deal with. ie, a woman's emotions. For whatever reason, it seems all men are the same. Not just from my experiences in life, but also from my girlfriends. But the problem with this is, I would have less breakdowns if I knew I had a safe place to crash. But because I don't feel safe, I am more stressed. This stress leads me to being more needy which leads him to shutting down.
I have a set of friends, (sorry to bring you up in this blog) but they had the same issues. I'm told that the boy has changed and that it's helped the girl tremendously; however, it took several months and heart ache and tears to get to the understanding they are. And, I'm not even sure they are where they need to be to sustain a healthy relationship.
Why isn't this easier? I remember when Nathan and I started dating, it was so simple. He liked me. I liked him. We kissed. We fought. We made up. Never had I shut down like this. There were two times in our entire ten year relationship when I wasn't sure if we were going to make it. The first time was four and a half years into our relationship and I had finally accepted Nathans proposal (he asked four times). I had added a phone line to my name for him. One day when I was paying the bill I saw all these calls to a number I hadn't recognized. I didn't think anything of it at the time. The next month it happened again, although there were heaps more text messages. I asked him who it was he lied and told me a guy he worked with. In my gut I knew that wasn't right. I called the number and it was his ex. I broke off the engagement, never to return to a guy who would lie to me about anything. After three days of talking and me crying and him crying; he agreed to change his number and I agreed to get back together with him. Needless to say, he never did cut ties with his ex and he never stopped lying to me about it.
The next time was four years before we divorced. I knew it was over when I was doing some volunteer work with a guy. I had found myself attracted to him. I was so surprised by it, that I tried to keep my distance from him. Needless to say, the boy made a proposition to me that I didn't take him up on; however, I knew from that moment on I would have a difficult time recovering from those feelings. This guy was the only guy in our ten year relationship that I was ever attracted to aside from Nathan. It rocked my core.
But, Nathan and I got over it. So, you ask. Why aren't you still together? There are a lot of reasons, but at the end, the fact is, I needed affection. Nathan and I would lie in bed and he hated being touched. If my foot bumped his leg he'd recoil so fast that it felt like a slap in the face. He didn't kiss me on my wedding day. You know the part that they say, "you may kiss the bride?" His lips touched mine for a split second before he pulled away. We spoke about it and he said, we're in front of our family, they shouldn't see us kiss. He wouldn't hold my hand or come near me unless he wanted sex. So my coping strategy for that was to make sure I was everything he wanted in the bedroom. To gather as much affection as I could possibly get when I was touched.
That's really fucked me up. Because now, here I am, 30 years old and logically believing that love is a tool to comfort you to the grave, and yet, wanting so desperately to have those butterflies and fairy tale love that I see others portray in their own lives.
I'm seeking a comfortably that I had with Nathan. A life that you can't gain until you've earned. I crave it. But also feel this nagging feeling that perhaps I haven't discovered all of myself yet. The fear that I've lost my ability to coexist with a partner is just as paralizing as the thought of coexisting with a partner.
I'm breaking PIB. I'm breaking him and I'm too selfish to stop it. When I'm not in emotional mind, I can remember the things that drew me to him were the fact he was all of the good things I wanted from all the other boys. The things that caused me to run from those relationships, he offers to me.
The affection I crave (to some extent), the patience I need, the understanding and tolerance. He's calm enough that my whirl wind personality doesn't shake him to his core. He isn't intimidated by my flames. I feel safe in his arms, when he offers them to me. When he offers them to me. He makes me feel safe. Like I'm home. Like there isn't anywhere in the world I'd rather be. I don't have to pretend with him. I am a mess. He saw that before I even thought I had revealed myself to him. He realized that to have expectations of me would push me away. That my fears will always define me.
I guess, this leaves me with one thing to add here. While he gives these things to me, sometimes I need them more than others. Since last Friday, I've been struggling in emotional mind. Its during these times that I just want him to be serious with me. Where I need a bit more attention during the week away. Or a serious response to a question I ask him. A simple text in the day that says, thinking of you, or xo, or a call at the end of the night that says, I want to hear how your day went today. I want him to seem interested in me when I'm not around him. Not all the time, not constantly, not in a needy I'm an annoying bratty woman, but in the same respect that I want to do for him. Which he needs. Which he wants. Which he loves. He loves my random text messages during the day. Yesterday, I called just to hear his voice. I was rewarded with a text from him that said it made his heart swell that I did that. Its that that I LOVE. I love knowing I make him smile and that he isn't annoyed with me making contact with him (also another fear from a past relationship). If he loves it, why can't he just tell me that sometimes? And why can't I ask the same from him? Or NO! Not ask, why can't he give me the same thing?
All of this to sort out this simple thing. If he loves getting it from me, why doesn't he want to give it back to me?
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