Its a Bitchfest

I have been looking for myself for oh quite some time now.  I have looked in books, in God, in pushing comfort zones, in meditation, in acting out, in men, in friends, and who knows what else.

I've ignored intuition and I've kicked out my quiet voice of instinct. (yes, there is something quiet about me).

I've been described as, having "an energy that seems to ignite."  "You're like a spreading fire" with "aggressive raw bruite force" who is such a "beautiful mess."

I've tried changing that for the longest time.  And I've succeeded.  I don't see that part of me anymore.  I'm pretty sure that PIB hasn't seen that part of me.  AND I know that people who have known me all my life can honestly say that this part of me doesn't dominate.

Well, to that I say FUCK YOU.  I'm brining it back.  If I want something, I'm going to get it.  If my instinct is telling me to let go; I'm letting go. 

And if you think I'm afraid you're "going to walk."  Let me tell you something.  I have allowed way too many ugly people pass through my journey.  You know, they're pretty hard to spot.  Someone like me, who gives until she is raw.  Who bends and doesn't break.  Who wants nothing more in the life than to please people.  Allows someone like you in.  Someone who says kind words, supportive words to your face, hugs you in your times of need, says they understand and will help you however you need. 

But heres the funny thing about lies, your true character comes out. Not only always in how you act when I'm looking.  But when my back is turned.  When I'm out of the room and  I'm not watching anymore.  And you're the person screaming on the top of your lungs that I'm an ugly person.  When all the people who come in contact with you, feel bad for you. 

If you're not be able to recognize that I'm doing my best then maybe this boat isn't for you. 

We should be able to look at one another and say, You know what?  We gave it a go.  Lets just call it quits.  Nice knowing you.  It shouldn't have to be to the point where people in life hate each other before calling it quits. Suck it up princess, it isn't working.

We tried.  Learned some shit.  We're over it.

I don't ever want to trust friendship over myself ever again.