Don't make a promise you can't keep.

I don't know how some people live the lives they lead.

How can men successfully cheat on their wives with other woman.  I've read stories of men, and books actually (The Pilots Wife, Anita Shereve) in which men live two separate lives of one another.  Married with kids in two different towns, states, countries.  When you separate yourself so that you're split into three different lives.  You have no time for yourself at the end of the day.

I'm simply so exhausted, I'm at the verge of just caving into the pressure and walking away from all of it.

I have the life I want to live.  In Brisbane, with my friends and the volunteering and social activities.  The life I remember last year, I was so anxious and excited to bring to fruition.

I have the life I have to have.  Here in Bundaberg.  To keep a piece of the life above; I keep this life here during the week.  Only seeing a glimpse of what I want during the weekends.  I run myself ragged living between the two.  The job here has its perks.  Today, I enjoyed working for someone.  Not being responsible for decisions.  Or having people hate me because I make choices they aren't happy with.

Then I have the life I walked away from.  Still nagging me.  Still taking a chunk of my soul.  Still requiring obligations of being an adult and a leader. 

I'm breaking.  I'm crumbling under the pressure.  I can't fully thrive in any of the lives because I'm split between obligation/desire//need. 

I remember living in the house on Montague street.  I couldn't have been happier.  I was having casual sex with a friend with no real attachments to boys.   I was living in a house with the most amazing people I've ever met to date.  I had a circle of friends that leaves me speechless at the moment.  I had a structured life of Climbing, Yoga, Bootcamp, Climbing, Yoga and volunteering. (yes, yoga was twice a week). 

I can't remember any real issues or struggles. 

I'm not asking that I live one life.  Just wondering how people do it.  How do they throw an entire candle into the fire and walk away with a wax figure and not a hot mess of burning wax?

Living here in Bundy is something I hate.  But honestly, after today's meetings and my breakfast, I could settle here.  I could say, okay, enough is enough and live one life here.  I could find a routine and a network and be employed. 

I could work my way back into who I was before my divorce.  An influential member of the community.  I have a natural way of impressing people.  I don't feel weak here.  I am confident again in the decisions I make.   Keeping myself at arms length is one of the best things I do in life. 

I should stick to it.  Because I can't keep the expectations of me in peoples heads.  I can't do it.  And when I say that, they immediately turn their backs on me.  Getting emotional and upset.  Instead of seeing what is at hand, they make it about them and not about the logic behind my decisions.

Its old and I'm tired.  I'm old.  And I'm tired.  I'm sick of people saying one thing to my face and acting different in the next second.

I promise myself to look after me. 













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Ah fuck it, who am I kidding.  That's a promise I can't keep.