Fragments of Freedom

I got in so late last night, I was simply too tired to make sense.

This morning, I'm eating my breakfast at the cafe and have a moment to just sit and be. Ah- can you picture that? Me, sitting. being.

I am happy right now. Simply happy. My broken heart is healing. I'm making friends and meeting people. Still in the hostel. Can't be bothered to look for apartments again until I know if I have a job here.

The book last night I was talking about is called animal people (not correct apa style right there) and its one day in the main characters life. He decides he is going to break up with his girlfriend. She is good for him, but he feels trapped. The whole time he is fighting his emotions of being trapped and loving her. He does break up with her in the end, and he feels like shit when he does it. But his fear of commitment is overwhelming and he can't do anything else about it. I bought it when I was with Greg, only because the cover had a dog that looked like wiggles. And it's irony to have read it now.

I'm back to feeling lost again. Wandering, but you know what? It seems this is the only time I am completely at ease with myself. When I invite people into my mess, I slowly panic and start to react to things emotionally. I hate that.

Gwen was out with us last night. She is this really cute scottish girl. She is a nurse who lives in the house share. She is the most optimistic person I have ever met. She just sees the good in everyone. I can't live to that extreme.

I think it might rain today. I'm heading to the markets in west end...I hope I remember how to get there. I might have to run back to the room and get my jacket. Or should I be risky and not? Haha- no I hate being wet and cold. So Ill go get it.

This is possibly the best flat white I've ever had. Although coffee seriously makes my heart beat like 8587274 times per minute.

Dan said I should write a book. I was thinking about that. Hmmm, it will need proof read......he said he knows. My texts need much deciphering. Haha. Oh dear, his comments are so much like the last boys.

I'm thinking about competing. Well, not actually competing as much as just training as if to compete. I'm not really a competitive girl. And my boobs are too small. And I don't want to have such an orange fake tan. But I want their body.

I've just re-read this blog post, it seems so random. Well- its not like I just threw it together....ish. I'm sitting here in the cafe thinking, and remembering and blah blah blah.

I need to lose some more weight I think. I can't stand seeing myself in the mirror....sitting here I feel my stomach roll over it self and it makes me sick. Fuck. I hate being fat. I'm jealous of those who don't have to worry about weight gain. I need more protein bars...I hope I pass the store that sells them while I'm on my way to the markets today.

Ok- I'm done rambling. But I'm healing. Wandering, but not lost. I'm more back to me then I have been. But still not the girl I hope to be someday. I'm still looking for me. She's here somewhere. I see glimpses of her. It gives me hope that she is right around the corner.

I'm happy. That makes me smile. Makes me feel good. Forces me to take the moments of pain with a grain of salt.

I've pushed away some people I really love. It doesn't make what they told me necessarily right or wrong. But I'm able to see it for what it was at the time and now I'm making my way back.

Xoxo