While struggling with me- I didn't mean to hurt you

I feel like shit to have hurt you. That wasn't my intention. I was protecting me and in Doing so got caught up in me.

This selfish person I feel like I am has hurt someone I care deeply about.

How do I describe what I had with HHBL? The non commitment was still a commitment if I'm 100% honest. He just allowed me not to label it. We called each other whenever we wanted. We didn't see each other every night. But usually once a day somehow. Our time spent together was precious. He was allowed to talk to other girls and me boys. But I didn't. I know he stopped at one point. The agreement we made up front was if he was interested in having sex with another girl, he should tell me right away. Then I could back out of the scene. We didn't tell anyone about the relationship. We kept it to ourselves. It was good.

The set up was perfect. But since we both wanted to be with each other, we didn't date other people. We were exclusive to one another without the label of boyfriend/girlfriend. There were no expections. Only boundaries that shouldn't be crossed. And they weren't. At the end of the day, he wanted me to start telling people. To label us as an us. But I couldn't.

I was going to stay for him. Thought about staying for him. Fought with myself as to why I shouldn't go. In the end, I did leave. When I was home we saw each other. There is still that chemistry. That spark. That desire to be with him.

So I get what you're telling me. I'm not asking you to stay. I never would ask you to stay. But yes, I would have liked for HHBL to have joined me later in this journey. I know he can't. But I would love for him to share these moments with me.

I'm sorry for the negative energy. The stress I've put myself under while trying to find what I want has reflected off me to you.

That's shitty of me. I hope you'll be patient while I figure this out. Go. Live. Find what youre looking for. Because I know I'm not ready to join you. I want to. But I can't. You're right. I'm just finding me. Just finding what I'm looking for. I'm not ready to allow anyone in right now. Beause honestly, it's not the right time. I havent been with me long enough to let you near.

Trust myself. Trust what I have to offer. You don't need me. I don't need you. You want me. I want you.

But you're right, only if it means we're swimming with the current.

Xoxoxo