Here is a perfect example

Even in the most simpelist of form, I have retrained my mind to think of the things I should do.

I'd like to know where this mentality comes from.  Why have do I think this way?  Why aren't we raised to make ourselves happy?  Instead we rush to please our parents, family, teachers, friends, lovers, children, grandchildren.

I woke up this morning craving corn flakes.  I never used to eat these in the States, since coming here though, I feel as though I eat them all the time.  Although realistically, I don't, rambling, back to my point.

So I walked to the store, went in and stopped at the cereal section.  Tons of cereal to choose from.  TWICE I had a box of corn flakes in my hand.  TWICE, I put the box down thinking eh, if I'm going to eat, I should eat healthy, something I truly enjoy.  So many empty calories.  Instead, I picked up a heart healthy box (3.00 more) and decided I was going to like this cereal I have never tried before.

I get back to the Minto and think, oh I should pour myself a bowl of my corn flakes....excited I ran up the stairs, into the kitchen, got a bowl, spoon, started to pull the stuff out of my box and disappointment washed over me as I realized I didn't get my corn flakes.

I didn't even realize while standing in the store that I was making a choice that would in the end prove to make me so unhappy. 

Time and time again, we do things we feel we should do based on what society has taught us.  This is a hard bond to break.  Without constant failures and even more constant reminders, we will never, I will never, change this mindset that I should do what I s.h.o.u.l.d. do.

Until my mindset changes, then, nothing, I fear, will change for me.

At the same time, I really feel the need to stop attempting to change who I am. 

Im an impulsive, spur of the moment, off the cuff kind of person.  I remember one time talking to Brett, one of our first conversations, he was asking me what I was doing.  At the time, I was driving on I-79.  He invited me over and I said okay.  He said, wow, you really do make last minute plans. 

Same thing with Femi, he and I were talking and I was headed one place, got a text and in mid conversation with him, decided to go somewhere else. 

I guess whats most important is I stop reading those motivational slogans.  Its really funny because they drive Greg crazy.  But to some extent (I'm putting it here in black and white SRW) that Greg is right (thus making me wrong), that at some point there is just an overflow of superfluous words.  When you die, he said, God is going to have a board with all the words you ever said.  One side is titled, words that never needed to be said and it'll go on for miles.  The other side is words that were  important.  The list, sadly will only be a few words.

So I'VE DELETED ALL THE MOTIVATIONAL shit off facebook.  I know who I am.  I need to stop second guessing myself and appreciate and embrace my flaws.

I love girly things, and I love the outdoors.  I love meeting new people, yet I love being by myself.  I love new experiences.  I love watching sunsets and sunrises.  I love laying out under the stars.  I know some day, I'll have a family.  I know in the meantime, I'm going to actively remember moments that are in the here and now.  I'm GOING TO STOP TRYING TO PLEASE SOCIETY.  *of whom, is never pleased anyway.

Mostly, I'm going to know who I'm not, because that's just as important as who I am.


xoxox