I'm struggling to believe I'm worth it. Work with me here. Its not really fair that you threw this question at me today as I was and will always be unprepared to answer it.
It's frustrating that both you and HHBL disagree with my definition of myself when I say I fear everything. I do. Fear pushes me to do all the things I do. Failing at relationships is all I've ever failed at. I know I shouldn't keep thinking about our conversation from this morning, but I can't help it.
I know who I am by myself. I don't know who I am when I add the component of another person. This doesn't just mean guys, its girl friends too. I don't know. And I don't know why I don't know. I've never had to make new friends. I've had the same friends my whole life.
I'm flattered though by our conversation. And maybe I take things for granted. I know my life isn't a huge struggle. Not compared to others and I am grateful for that. I do take the time to realize this and be grateful. Heres the thing, when I focus on the future, I get panicked. I look and think Fuck me. I don't feel like I have anything to show for 30 years of life. 30. I'm going to be 30 in one year. I remember when my mom turned 30. Life passes by so quickly.
Thinking is what is the worst for me. Like now, why am I writing this? I should be reading, looking for apartments, or napping. But I want to reprocess our conversation.
I'll stop now, because I don't want to live a life where I analyze everything. I just want to enjoy the moment. The times when we're smiling and enjoying our conversation. I get lost in my goal setting. I need to keep reminding myself to live in the here and now. See what is being offered right now. Take all the time it's offering and be happy with it.
This is actually the newest most important thing on my bucket list. WHICH BTW-I'm adding my Monday Dares here on this site....I've only got a YEAR to complete my list!!!
xoxoxo
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