First I'd like to just give a kind fuck you (and i honestly don't intend that to be mean in anyway, because at the end of the day, I know you love me and I still love you) to all those who doubted me. Who said I was crazy for the feeling of being lost. Who said I was immature for trying to find myself. Who tried diagnosing me (wait- that was only me, well fuck me too since i doubted myself) Who Said the expense of me looking was ridiculous. (to that I say, what are you spending your money on? Car payments? House payments? Schooling? Credit cards? Or you simply dont know? Well I'm in no debt. So my money is mine to spend however I'd like. No credit cards, no house payments, no schooling, no dependents)
Mindfulness for Beginners. By- Jon Kabat-Zinn
Page 67- "You are More than Any Narrative
Who you are is far bigger than the narrative you construct about who you are.
When you begin to question the narrative of yourself and inquire as to who is even doing all of this talking inside your own head, you may come to realize that you have no idea. You simply don't know (previously talking about self doubt and how you perceive your own life unfolding) the realization is in itself an important milestone, one that offers an entirely new and much freer way of being with experience. But early on in this process of awakening to not knowing what you thought you knew, you can still feel fragmented, pulled between competing stories or weighed down by the enormity of the one that is dominating your life at the moment, which is now compounded by the realization that you are not so sure about what you used to be very sure about. This could be a very good sign."
I used to be so confident in my relationship with Nathan. When I realized I didn't want what we had created in the end, I became full of doubt and self questioning. This has spilled over into other relationships and I feel as though I have lost a sense of self. This loss may just as well be the realization my confidence in love was shaken. I'm slowly learning to become one with myself and regain my trust and confidence of myself.
Fact- a lot of those whom I know don't have this. Please don't judge me while I strive to find it. Simply because you can't understand where I come from doesn't make what I'm doing wrong.
To those of you who have accepted me (and continue to be patient and encouraging) a big hug and thank you from the bottom of my heart. You know who you are too.
Xoxoxoxoxo
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