He looked at me like I was crazy.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I don't like bread crumbs in my butter, so I always wipe the knife before I put it back in.
He just shook his head.
I know I don't always make sense. I know he was not only asking about why I wipe my knife, but also why I was using my shirt. I have my reasons. (I couldn't find a towel) Even if it seems clear as mud, there is a good reason. I'm complex; I get it.
I may forever be single if I can't find a person who understands that I just simply don't understand things. Everything has come easy for me. But not that I've understood one ounce of why or how. The things I struggle with or things that are "difficult" for me is all because I make them difficult. I think into it. I try to understand. Instead I should just say, okay, it is what it is.
Zonski: I have no idea how you stayed in a ten year relationship. Are you going to go on second dates with any of the boys?
Me: Uh, no way.
I guess the biggest thing is I'm faithful to the fullest extent. Right now, I throw so many distractions in my way. Dates, boys, flirting, blah blah blah. It's all a distraction. I want someone else to prove they are worth making me stop the distractions. I'll stop in a heartbeat. In the mean time, I'm going to travel every road I see. I'm going to try everything that crosses my path. I want to stop, but not until I can trust.
I guess though, what does that say to the other person? If they see me throwing distractions, how do they know they can trust me? I need to prove I can be trusted. I need to show I'm worth them to stop searching. Fuck. Rock and hard place isn't it??
I know your truths. I know my truths. At the end of the day, sometimes they just don't make sense. (Either yours or mine)
Does this post even make sense? Probably not, but either way, its true.
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