Thank you for loving me, when I didn't love myself

Every where I turn, I see love.  I can't even help it.  It seems my eye just goes straight to it.  I noticed it on my first day here in the city.  I saw a couple with the guy kissing the girl on the side of her head.  Her eyes were closed.  They were in the middle of a busy street.  But they were alone. 

Yesterday as I was walking along the Yara river I saw couples everywhere.  Cuddled on park benches, snuggling on the side of the river, holding hands walking down the path. 

I struggle so much with intimancy.  I get along with people great from a distance.  But the fear and over analysis that I put into overthinking a relationship is a killer for me.  The insecurities that I have are grave.

I find I love myself more when I have no one to prove if I'm worth it or not.  I can walk into a room full of people I've never met and gain their trust and respect.  They sense the confidence I have.  A natural born confidence.  There isn't anything cocky about it.  A sincere love for others and myself.

I gather this is due a lot to the fact, I don't care if I impress you.  I don't care if you respect me.  I have a job to do and I know I can do it. 

At the end of the day, I want to come home to some place I don't need to rock that confidence.  I want to be able to be vaulnerable and not tough.  I want to rely on someone.

Dorothy and Dave were so kind as to remind me that traveling is easier when you have a partner.  It was kind the way they said it and the statement was genuine.  I know this.  And I agreed with them.  I'd just like to be able to rest my head on someones shoulder and relax. 

But I don't trust myself to let my guard down.  It hasn't been down, ever.  I hate being weak.  I fight with myself on that front all the time.  The absolute defiance I hold in this respect is astounding.

I guess all I'm saying is someday, I'd like to just say, thank you for loving me when I didn't love myself to someone.  I have so much to learn in relationships.  I'm willing, but I need to know what it is I'm learning.   I need mistakes pointed out, and new paths to be paved.  I need someone who knows my mistakes aren't meant to hurt.  My selfishness isn't intentional. 

Someday, I'll have the boy who holds my hand, and kisses me in public, and loves me, when I can't love myself and holds me accountable when I'm pushing out of sheer resistance.  Someone who hears what I can't say, but knows I mean it.

Someday, I'll be worthy and I can't wait.


xoxo