I am only who I am by how I define myself.

Last night started off a bit shitty.

I met up with my couch surfing host's roommate.  I think he did it because I told him I'd be going out by myself and he felt bad.

Heres the thing, I honestly don't mind and really quite enjoy heading out on the town by myself.  It's always a bit scary to some extent because you never know what you're walking into.  I am always responsible; posting where I am, not drinking, not talking to stangers blah blah blah.   After I was able to ditch him, I found this really cute little pub.  It had a live band who played cover songs....I miss Sarah Jane and her band!  But the girl sang beautifully.

I danced away to all her songs and then when they were off the stage to all the DJ's music as well.

I have to be honest, every time a guy walks up to me to talk to me (btw just don't do it boys, seriously, you'll just feel like shit when she turns you down.) I think, is this going to be a Greg?  And for so many reasons on top of reasons, I just wish and pray so hard they don't talk to me.

The only thing that sucks about going out alone, is there isn't anyone to save you from the boys.  With Trista, (and now from trial and error, Amber) my friends can save me from a long boring conversation with the guys.  No I don't want to go to a quite corner to talk.  No I don't want you to buy me a drink.  No I don't want to dance with you.  Sometimes, I feel bad and entertain them for a short period of time. 

Like last night, this boy just wouldn't leave me alone.  So finally, I danced with him for a few songs and then when he was in the bathroom, slipped out of the bar.  Funny how life works, because as I was leaving I got a call from Josh inviting me to the Crown hotel.  So I went to the casino for a short period of time.  The view of the city from the 11th floor is breathtaking.

Today Piere and I toured the city.  I love Melbourne.  Apparently, I said that the first time I was here too.  After a reminder, I do remember saying that.  I can't help it.  It has everything I love.  Although a person can be lost in Melbourne.  I never feel that way in Brisbane.  I always feel as though someone knows me in Brissy.  Maybe because of all of my friends there?  Who knows.

I have to book my flight out of Melbourne.  I have, as of tonight, not decided if I'm actually heading to Sydney or not.  I have a few friends to meet up with there, but Dragan only has Friday night or Saturday evening available.  I'm not sure I want to go out with him.  Unless he invites his girlfriend along.  I'll be meeting up with Ivan, Ryan and Zonski......but ah, I can't do it all unless I stay longer....sooooooooooooo......who knows.  I haven't decided.  Fuck.  Anyway.

I'm going to push a comfort zone tonight.  It's been so very long since I've done this.  Push a destructive one anyway.  I know exactly the date and where I was the last time I pushed one.  I have to admit, I felt awful, crying the entire day and not forgiving myself for months after it, but ah, I have a firm belief that the more you do something, the easier it becomes.

So here is to being Mindful....not self destructive....I'm staying in.

Curling up under a blanket.  Watching 30 Rock.  Being a good girl.

Because at the end of the day, I'm only who I am by how I define myself. 



xoxoxoxo