Where to from here?

The weekend has been far from relaxing. I don't know what to do.  So I'm doing what I know.  Walking away.  PIB and I have broken up. 

We were talking about marriage.  Marriage.  Me.  Marriage.  Jesus.

He shuts down and I can't reach him.  I can't keep putting myself through this pain.  I just can't.  I keep trying to engage him in conversation, of which he doesn't respond.  We're too far away physically to shut down completely mentally.  It just won't work in the long run.  He is too afraid to quit his job.  Which I understand.  But if he doesn't talk to me, then we don't have anything left in the relationship.   Maybe he already feels its over?  That's what he's doing?  He changed his profile picture again.  Hurting? or Spite?   Regardless, the pain is the same to me. 

I have struggled these past few years to never allow my fear to define me.  Thoughts of how to heal this broken heart are running in my mind.  This is going to hurt.  Severely, beyond words or emotions.  More then I can even think of.  I'm scared of what I'm going to feel.  I'm a bit in shock at the moment.  How can he just let this happen without a fight?  But I know.  I can't dwell.  I can't think about it.  Let your fears go.........

Think about the practice.  Don't think about time.  Think about growth.  Don't think about emotion.  Build your wall. Don't think about what if.  Put your defenses back into place. Don't think about the pain.  You're strong.  Don't think about how you've failed again.    You've got this. 

His silence is so loud.  It tells me things I can't bear to think about hearing.  It confirms all of my insecurities and truths I've tried to hide.  To kid myself that aren't true.

 But at the end of the day; the truth comes out.  Fear will always define people.  So even if I change; until others stop letting fear define them, then I can't do anything but just be me.

New plans.  Well, not new plans.  I'm getting back on track with my plans. 

Travel.  I see how the running suites me.  Allows me to be free from commitment.  I had resigned from the fact of going back to Australia.  That was something that had set in last week.    Not at this point in time.  Perhaps maybe never. 

Travel.  Where to?

Germany
Italy
Japan
Iceland
Norway
Greece
London
India
Nepal
Cambodia
Egypt
China

The list is endless.  Literally.  I could add and add to it no matter where I travel.


I'll start with my plans to head to Niagra Falls like I had planned.  I mean.  I have paid for the room.  Ah, I guess LA is first.  I've paid for flights and a room.  Might as well get my monies worth.  Keep myself busy.  Distractions are a girls best friend at a time like this.

No boys.  Jesus.  Trista is right.  I need me time.  To stay single.  Learn Italian.  Get my body back.  Focus on anything but the fact I'm back here in the States and the love of my life is not.

Hurt.  Heal.  Morph.  Find a new me.